Things That Make You Go Hmmm

Thursday night before Christmas I was at a work party when I received a call around 8.30. The number was blocked so I could not see who it was from, but I assumed it was from my daughter as I had just been speaking with her. I answered as if it was (her), but it was not. It was B. He asked where I was, what I was doing. He was up at the local pub and wanted me to join them for a Christmas drink. I asked him who was there with him, and he told me it was mostly work mates. I was about to leave the party anyway as I had my kids to pick up, then I had one of my daughters friends to pick up who was staying the night... I worked out I could meet him around 10.30, and he said he would probably still be there but for not much later than that.

He called again just over an hour later, to make sure I was still coming...It was a bit rushed, but I did all I had to do, including freshening myself up a little, but I got there right on 10.30. I walked in, and went straight to the bar, so that I at least looked a little more like I was meant to be there, as I wandered, looking for him. He is always in the same general area though, and I found him immediately, with two work mates Ive met a number of times before, and some other, much younger work mates.

It was a nice, relatively easy, relaxing time. I love watching how he interacts with everyone. And I like watching the dynamics between people. And men just joke and rib each other all the time. I was finishing off my Corona, and B thought I was leaving. he said something like "you're bailing, aren't you? You've finished your drink and now you're off," and I said that no, I actually wasn't planning on leaving just yet. I think I asked if he was going to buy me a drink then, since it looked like that was the only Christmas present he'd be able to give me, so he did.

The whole time I was conscious of sitting the "right" distance away from him, and not looking intimate in anyway... which was quite difficult. Especially as Id catch him just openly looking at me, and I say "what?" and he would just smile and do a bit of an eyebrow arch thing, or would say something quietly like "you are so fucking hot, you know that right?". One time I thought he was checking out a ring I wore, so I commented on the ring how much I liked the ring etc, and he replied "yeah, it is a cool ring. But I love your fingers. And hands." And I told him how good he looked. Another time he was standing beside me as I was sitting on a stool, and he put his hand on my bum and sorta squeezed. He did that twice and I just couldn't react, because I was worried about bringing attention to the fact. The next time he was telling me how sexy I was I replied "yeah, well fat lot of good that does me", and I was sad for a bit, and wouldn't, couldn't, look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me for a while. Oh, and he also told me how good and natural my boobs looked, but that he knew, from what Id shown him the other day, that they look much bigger uncovered. :-)

Later, when most of his mates had gone (to someones house to play cards), and there was just me, B and R (a work mate) left, he said to me "you know I want you, right? I so want you" And a little after that he said "If things were different, I would snap you up. Just snap you up! But they're not, so...." and I just sorta shrugged.

Anyway, by this time it was 12am or so, and there's just the 3 of us, and the other mate I knew wouldn't take the other guy home, so they asked me, and I agreed. During the exchange though, I hung back, because I didn't know whether maybe I should leave ahead of these guys and not be "seen" with them, or what. They both noticed, and said it was fine.

I asked B if he should be dropped home first then (since he lives literally a minute away), and he said it was up to me. I said "well that's a silly thing to say, because you know the answer to that!" and they both laughed. So I dropped the other guy, R, home, and drove back to B's, but as I was about to turn down a particular street that would take me to his house, he told me to go straight. I knew immediately he would lead me to my own place, and that was confirmed as he motioned for me to turn down a street near my house. I turned and asked why we were going this way, and he said "to your house". Id called to check on my kids a couple of times, and knew my older kids were still awake (from having spoken to them only 1/2 hour before), so I said we couldn't. Dammit. So on I drove.

Again, I went to drive to his place, assuming we'd just pull up somewhere near his house like in the past, and make out for a bit. But again, he told me to turn here and there, and I stopped along side a reserve. And there he said "I just want to kiss you. You don't mind do you?" and I turned the car of completely, and leaned over a little so I could feel his lips... and then it was on, hell for leather. I went wild immediately and straddled him. "Cant I just have you here?" I asked him, and he replied "If you want" so that was that.

For the next 2 hours, we fucked, kissed, and felt our way around almost every part of my car. Oh sweet heaven! He loved my boobs, although he was worried about hurting them / me, but he soon got over that! He said how much he loved just being able to 'screw" so much, and I said I felt like I was 17 again. I came 3 goddamn times, but it took him all that time before he did. And even then he had to finish himself off (he came in my mouth and tasted so good, which I told him). I had no idea it was 2 hours later until afterwards...

After we dressed, I went in search of a tap out front of someones house to fill my water bottle, and B had a smoke. I came back empty handed. We were so hot and sweaty and thirsty. And smelled like sex. Mmmm. I suggested he come back to my place quickly for a shower, but he was worried it would take too long. And I'm thinking, you go home smelling like that, that's just asking for trouble. And if he had a shower, who would have a shower at 2.45am after a normal drinking night out? But, that's for him to worry about, not me.

I dropped him home (near by of course, not out front), and he kissed me good bye, told me how great it'd been to see me, and looked a few seconds longer than he normally does. He got out, lit a smoke, and walked, and I drove away.

It wasn't til I got home (and my daughter and her friend were still awake!), that I remembered he'd told me, quite out of the blue, that he'd been spending more and more time at his mum and dads (who live near me), including spending nights there. In fact last Friday night, apparently, after work, he stayed the night, and didn't wake til 1.45pm Saturday. Id replied something like "Wow, really? you must be tired" and I asked didn't he "get to sleep in ever"? He replied, very seriously, no, he had to wake at 6am. Every. Day. And all the time I was thinking "what does this mean? Is there something else going on?" and had to keep telling myself "no, don't even go down that line of thinking!"

But still, things that make you go 'hmmmm'.

PS. When I woke up the next morning, I had 2 huge bruises on my leg, where it kept rubbing between the seat and the door, and today, 3 days later, my thigh muscles are sooooo sore!

So Fast!

I have returned to the work force, at least part time, and have been working a few days a week for a few weeks now. So I guess that is why this week seems to have flown.

Still, no matter how busy I am, B, and the other guy A, are never far from mind. Have been annoyed with A, because its like our contact has suddenly stopped. I sent him a text on Tuesday evening, simply saying hello, and then another one the next morning along the same lines. He replied with "Sorry hun," and said how busy he is at the mo' etc. Busy. Pfft. It's my middle name. So I answered his questions of how Ive been with "I'm good. All good. Will leave you be. :(" and now its Friday and I haven't heard since. He (we're still talking about A) would of left for his interstate gigs today... when he returns next Monday morning, he doesn't play again til New Years Eve. Of course there's Christmas in the middle there, but that's a total of 11 days. It will be interesting to see if he contacts me during that time...

Wednesday I reminded B that the next time we got together Id promised him a quickie. He did an extra show last night where he performs, and tonight and tomorrow as usual, and then an extra show next Wednesday. And then that's it until mid February. Sigh. He replied that he thought I was "out of order" but I reassured him I'm fine and good to go ;-). Hope I get to see him one of the nights before Christmas...

During the time he'll have off I know he'll go out, and may try to hook up one of those nights.

While writing this, I'm astounded to say I received a message from A! Well there you go.

Back to B... Id also sent him an email to his work address, asking if it went to his inbox or junk (cause the last couple he reckoned he hadn't been able to access because they were marked as spam). And later in the arvo, Wednesday, the same day we texted, he replied that the message had got through.

But, sigh. This is all so.... unsatisfying.

Sunday catchup

I took my daughter to work this morning and did a drive by past B's house; I had a feeling he'd be at work today. His work van wasn't there, so I took the chance and sent him a text asking if he was at work. He replied almost immediately and said he was working, just finishing, and was going to see if I was keen for a coffee. Coffee? You? I replied. I said okay, but where? And then suggested he could come to my home since I was by myself, but that I "wasn't too sure about anything else at the mo". He replied "No worries. Ill drop in if you want".

Meanwhile I had the hubby of the lady who I'm good friends with who lives next to B's work mate, come by to give a hand get a sofa bed of the back of ute (that my other friends hubby picked up for me), and in to the house. They had no sooner left, when B arrived. I hadn't read his part of the message that said he was just finishing (work), so Id expected to be able to shower and put on something a bit nicer. But no, I answered the door with no makeup, my jammie top (that could pass for a normal singlet luckily), unbrushed hair, and no perfume or anything extra.

I unlocked the door and let him in, the zipped to the bathroom to check myself over, and at least brush my hair and teeth!

I was only a minute but when I came out, B was in my kitchen, making himself a coffee! So he really did want a coffee! He asked me if I wanted one, but I said the weather was too hot. He kissed me hello and we hugged. But I felt self conscious. As usual around him. Here is was in my kitchen, a bit of a domesticated scene, and I look so ... a'la naturale.

I said I felt bad I hadnt done anything, like clean up a bit more (I explained about how he must of driven past my friends hubby, who had just left), and that I would've put something a bit nicer on...

We sat out in my back room so he could smoke as well and had a good catch up chat. We talked about my boobs of course, and he wanted to know if I was gonna show them to him. But I swear I still feel like teenager around him. And I didn't show him. We talked about everything people do when they catch up; family, friends that we know the other knows of, work, house hold stuff. In fact, being an electrician by trade, he had a look to see where some places are that a power point could go in my back room. And tried to connect my booster to the tv for me, but I'm missing a cord. And then he started fiddling with a screen in the back room, but the clip that keeps the screen on has fallen off. It was very weird watching him do these things.

He said to me "You've been quiet", and when I asked what he meant, he said that I hadn't been sending many messages or emails or anything. I just shrugged and said " well, you know. You'll be fine. You know where I am. You know I'm here." He had a chuckle when he confirmed that I must of done a drive by this morning to see if his work van was at his home or not...

He asked again whether I was going to show him my "girls". And I told him that I didn't think they were up for any action. I pushed my boobs together and said "Look, they're not quite ready yet. Theres space in the middle." He didn't know what I meant, and I said, "for you. You wouldn't fit in there. I need to be able to give you a snug hold". And he just sort of raised his eyebrows and said "oh!". I explained that raising my arms above my head was a no-no, and even just to brace myself for too long would be painful.

He left about 12, after getting there around 10.20am. He was going to his parents for a while, then home. He was hoping that his wife would've left to go to her Uncles or something by that time, so he could have the house to himself.

He went to his van to get some saline solution for my eye; they were irritated, and he suffers the same kind of thing, and said this would help. I quickly went and checked my boobs, and when he came back I told him to come in the lounge room (out of the way of the front door), and thanked him for the saline. Then I said "Okay, Ill show you. Ive checked them and they're okay." He laughed and said "okay, glad they're alright to show me". He said "woah! they're big kahunas." and I explained how when they're in the bra and with clothes on, they looked normal, but I thought they were big too, naked. He said they were "very nice" and he checked out the scars. And you know, its not until he leaves, when I think of all the things I could've said or done. I shouldve got him to feel them, to see if they felt like real boobs. And if the fact that I hadn't showered was what was holding me back today, from at least showing him my new boobs, he could've waited a few minutes while I had one. Or watched. Or joined me. And I sent him a message saying pretty much just that. I also told him my mind still goes to mush, which is quite annoying.

Hes not sure if hell get to see me before Christmas, but whatever, I said next time I should be "up to it", (sex, that is). He wished me ""Merry Christmas" just in case...

And as soon as he left I wanted to text him to say "come back!".

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Saturday Night

So, B is working at his night job both Friday nights and Saturday nights, up until Christmas,, remember? But he also told me that he'd be car-pooling for most if not all of that period also.

I haven't heard from him since I sent him that text last Friday night.

So, yeh.

The other muso guy and I have been in contact still, but not as much the last 2 weeks, and most of it it has been by my initiation. I'm so pissed off with all this chasing, relationship crap. Its so hard.

B needs to grow some balls, and tell his wife what he needs, and R needs to stop dangling the line in front of me.

Texting. Bleh.

Did my monthly migration to the club with my nan and texted B to say Id be in the area. I said "Come on, you know you want to see them. I mean, me." (I was referring to my 'new' boobs). A few hours later, as I was leaving, I still hadn't heard from him, so I sent a message asking if he'd stated on the smokes Id given him. He replied he'd finished them and that he wouldn't be able to see me today because he was too busy. Busy schmizzy. Told him I hoped he'd enjoyed every smoke. He replied that he did, and asked "how are they coming along". I guess he was referring to my boobs again, so to crank things up a little, I replied "They're coming along nicely, but will be nice to come on, too. :-)". "Oh dear", he replied "That just created some movement. Good to hear". Funny how something so simple could put such a big smile on my face.

Wednesday night I saw R, the musician, at a concert he was part of. We got to have a good chat before the show, and a little one after. It was great to catch up with him. We are in contact at least every few days. But that relationship is a whole different story, which I wont really go in to here. But at least he is single...He just tours. A lot.

Thursday I started back at work, after a long absence of not working, and driving home I went past my friends house (who lives next to M), and B's work van was there... I almost stopped in. At least I would of had a few legit excuses. Which is pretty much what I texted B last night (Friday). He replied that he and M had honestly expected me to stop in (so they must of seen me drive by, although I didn't see either of them), and that I should've. And then he said he thought I was supposed to be driving yet (because of my boob job). Technically I wasn't supposed to drive until the Wednesday (just passed) but Id been driving since Sunday. We texted a little more, but nothing much else to report.

Sigh.

Boobs: Take #2

So finally I had my breast augmentation done Monday (and just as a side note, what a difference!). I sent B a message around 10am saying it all went fine and "woohoo", and he replied "nice work. happy?". Well, I dont know if they're nice work yet - he can let me know when he sees them. :-)

Early Wednesday i got him to chase up with his friend M about my car, and whether he would be able to fix it for me or recommend some one who would... I still hadn't heard by Thursday afternoon, so I gave him a call. Was nice to have a normal chat. A few minutes later, M called and went through the list of what he thought my car's priorities are, and while I thanked him, I also said that I was quite understanding if he didn't want to do any of the work himself, but to point me in the right direction of who he'd recommend...but he said he didn't mind doing it himself. Later I sent B a text thanking him for chasing it up, to which he replied "No worries".

I went out last night with my girlfriend who is neighbours with M, and I spoke with M for a little bit while he got some details off my car so he can order some parts etc. He seemed very serious and quiet. He had been working on his own car, and was also on call for his job, so perhaps that was why, but I think some of my own guilt kicked in and I was feeling that maybe he felt awkward about the "situation", and also that Ive never actually seen him totally sober. :-)

Anyhow, I didn't hear from B Friday night, or last night, so that was a bummer, but not unexpected. It kind of made things a little easier though, because while its not a definite serious committed relationship with this other musician guy (although I would like it to certainly head in that direction), this guy - lets call him R - and I are in contact in some form almost every day, although I haven't seen him for 2 weeks now. Still, I have guilt that Im still wanting to see B too.

Crazy world.

Threesome?

Earlier tonight Id sent B a message along the lines of not liking our time constraints, and the 'wham bam thank you maam' feeling, and explaining that while I know that things are how they are, I delayed getting in to him last night, because when sex is over, he leaves pretty much immediately.

So I put out a challenge that next time we'll see how quick we can be...

I went to a girlfriends for a couple of hours tonight, and on the way home, even though it was a detour, I drove past his house... his car was there which meant he would've carpooled. But I sent the initial message tonight at 7.47pm and when I drove home it was 10.45pm, so I started worrying that not only had he got a lift, but had also left his phone at home... (and that my message would be discovered by his wife)!!

A few minutes after I got home though, he replied saying he knew the situation 'sux', and that next week he's staying at his parents, and tonight was out of the question unless I was up for a threesome.

Now, I don't know whether he meant that staying at his parents works in our favour (they live 2 minutes away from me), and whether he meant both Friday and Saturday nights. And was he joking about the threesome thing?

I simply replied "You're a shocker. Night babe" to which he replied, "Yeah. Night".

Friday Night

I have to say I was surprised, and of course pleased, to get a text from B last night asking what I was up to. I said I was home, and he asked what I felt like. I could of answered that any number of ways: I'm wet. I feel good. Hot raw sex. I replied ""You?". He said he may be able to swing by, and at a few hours later at 12.13am, he said he was on his way.

We talked for a bit, but it was a good ten or fifteen minutes before I even touched him. He kept taking pointed looks at his watch, that I think was meant to be a bit of joke, but a bit of a reminder of time as well. He even made a comment or two about 'time' and I told him he should of driven here faster then. He replied he couldn't have driven any faster than he did...

We talked about his work mates "knowing" about us, and about my friend who is his work mates neighbour who also knows. B was a bit worried about that, and I said, and its the truth, that Id trust this woman with my life. He wanted to know what she thought, and I just said that she didn't love the idea, but she is there for me. I told him that he must share a bit of info about me with his mates, because M had mentioned a few things he already knew, when we were at my friends last Sunday night. B also asked how my "man" situation was going, in particular that guy who is also a musician that Id been seeing, but I tried to explain that I didn't think it was going to work out because I hardly get to see him although we're in constant contact, and he was currently interstate, for example.

So, like the last time I had him here, he wanted to wear a condom. Just in case. You know. Which is fine with me, but really, other than the very first time we had sex, we really should of worn one each time, not only to safeguard against pregnancy but also against infection. I don't know where he's been. But he is right, better safe than sorry, regarding getting pregnant.

But, unlike other times, he went down on me. (There was the one time he did make to literally go down on me, but that was when I was at the end of my period, months ago, and I pulled him back up to me). Actually, he had me straddle his face while he was on his back. I love oral sex, but for some god damn annoying reason, I just cant relax, and let it all go, and enjoy it properly, and I've never come that way. We were doing a bit of a 69'er, except it was a bit difficult to concentrate with his mouth doing those things to me... I told him to put the condom on and I rode him instead. Ye-ha!

Ah! Sweet bliss.

And, for probably the first time, he came quite quickly.

As he leaves he always thanks me for having him, which I have to say I don't like. Its like I've done him a favour. Which I guess I kinda have. I dunno, I just don't like it. He wished me luck again for Monday (the reappointed boob procedure time), gave me a kiss, and and he was on his way by 1.30am.

Boobs: Take #1

Today I was booked in for my procedure, and I was really pleased to get a message from B before hand wishing me luck. Longs story short, the op didn't go ahead due to a power failure, although I should say I was there for almost 6 hours, right up until I was about to be anaesthetised and my chest was marked up and all, before they cancelled it on me! I was not happy!

It has been rescheduled for Monday now at a different hospital, and I'm first on the list, so I let B know...

Catch up

I thought Id see B for sure last night (Saturday), cause I at least had his cigarettes to give him. ;-) but when I hadn't heard from him by midnight I realised that he wasn't coming by.

I texted him asking "I'm not seeing you tonight?". And then I went to sleep.

Around 2.30am I woke, and discovered he had sent me two texts in reply. The first one just said he couldn't come by because he was "car-pooling", but that he could come by after work the next day and / or "bump" in to me at our local pub in the afternoon. And he finished by saying "I miss you." The second text must of been because I didn't respond; he said "Well?".

I didn't think he'd appreciate a text at 2.30am, so I sent one when I woke at 7.30am, and just said I couldn't believe Id slept through getting his texts, told him my daughters were home, and that he should pick a place and time for when he finished work and Id meet him there.

I went to the gym as usual, and had just finished my cardio part of my workout when he texted for me to meet him at the lakes, where we've met on other occasions.

When I arrived, he pulled out a couple of fold out chairs, and we sat in the shade of the trees, with a gentle breeze, in the gorgeous sun-shiny weather. Shame we only had water to drink.

I gave him his cigarettes, and showed him the photos of my trip. And we talked for just over an hour.

As well as working Saturday nights, Friday nights are also booked now, until Christmas (and then he has a 6 week break). But it doesn't look like Ill get to see him any of those times because they've decided to continue car-pooling.

This Thursday I'm having a boob job; I don't even fill an A cup, I've had a number of children, and I'm almost 40 (in 5 months). I think it well deserved. Id told B about this decision just before I went on my holiday, and he seemed to think it a great idea. So, when he told me about car-pooling, I reminded him of my 'pending acquisitions' and told him he wont get to see them then. At first he thought I meant I just wasn't going to show him, but then I clarified and said "because you're car-pooling" and he said "we'll see". As we left each other he said he'd message me Friday to see how it all went.

There was no other physical contact other than a kiss on the lips hello, and goodbye. And while I was happy I got to see him, and spend time with him, I'm probably more upset than ever knowing that I wont have him in my arms for god knows how long, if ever again.

I really don't know what it is about this man.

He's still going up to the pub this arvo with a big bunch of guys apparently, and I may be too with a couple of girls I was on holiday with. We'll be lucky if we do anything more than the " 'sup" nod and smile in acknowledgement of each other.

holiday

So after B left, I showered, dressed, picked up my friends and headed for the airport. We spent 10 days in a popular tourist Indonesian island, and it was great!

During that time, I sent B a message, firstly via text, and then through another social networking site we're on, asking if he wanted me to buy some smokes for him (theres a certain brand he likes). He replied saying yes, that would be great, and we messaged back and forth a little.

I returned on a Thursday morning, didn't hear from B the Saturday night, but he did send me a text the following Tuesday saying he'd 'noticed' I was back in town, and asked again how the trip was. I reminded him I had his smokes, and he replied that he'd forgotten all about them (yeh, right), and that he saw me drive past his house the Sunday after I got back (I was on my way to the gym) and thought hed see how I was.

And that was it.

And today

we fucked.

:-)

Text

The bugger sent me a text a few minutes after he left last night saying it was nice to see me, and to have a good trip. Then he said he was off to bed, alone, and "sweet dreams".

Immediately I replied, "What? Alone? God dammit." to which he replied "for a week too". "So why did you leave?" I asked. He said it was because Im seeing someone and that I didnt seem too keen. Turns out his wife and kids are away!

I told you I played it cool. Obviously too cool. ;-)

Well, I was just following his lead really... he originally texted to say he could "pop in for 5" then after he grabbed his glass of water, he asked if we could sit somewhere. And then at 1.40ish he said "well, its that time where I have to go", so I thought he really did only want to chat. Or rather, I knew he wanted to have sex, but I just thought he was being a "good boy" and refraining, so when he kissed me at the end, I didnt want to get things heated up more, or make it difficult.

I told him that I still feel keen for him even after all this time, and that Id hope when I am in a committed relationship, Id be strong enough to say no to him (B). In the meantime however, if he's ever at my house, I want him, and that I was ready for him from his first message tonight. I tried to get him to come back, but it was creeping toward 3am by then, so I suggested today after he finishes work.

Hed also said he obviously didnt read me too well, and that I looked hot, and that he thinks about fucking me a lot. As raw as that is, and I know its just about sex, it turns me on. He also said he misses me, but is just trying to do the right thing. I told him I knew he'd been staying away on purpose.

He replied this morning, saying he was glad we'd sorted that out... Im hoping he'll swing by today before I leave...

Busy?

I went out tonight and met up with a guy I used to go to school with, and who I also had a bit of a crush on. I knew he was harmless, which is why I felt okay meeting up with him. He's married, and just goes out ocassionally to see a band or have one or two beers. Met a couple of his friends, and we had a good couple of hours. Then I took myself off to see Eat Love Pray at the cinema.

At both places, there was little or no reception on my phone...

And I knew I would hear from B.

The movie finished at 11.45, and B had sent me a text at 11.11pm.

I replied saying Id had no reception etc. The short of it is, when he asked if he could stop by I agreed. And I swear to God, I felt wet immediately, just at the thought of him...

I changed in to a dress from jeans and boots. Dimmed the lights a little. Music on. Like "normal" when he was here in the past.

He kissed me hello, and I gave him a glass of water (which I know he likes, from past experience! lol).

As we went to sit on the lounge, I jokingly asked him if he wanted the lights on, and he said yes, cause he wanted "to see" me, so I turned one on.

He arrived about 12.30 and left at 1.45am. And we probably talked the most we ever have, especially while he's been sober.

In his round-a-bout way, he asked me if Id found a guy, and I told him a little about the guy I've started seeing. I said if I were interested in one night stands, I could have that any time I went out, but that's not me... And I reminded him my trip overseas is tomorrow. He's been there too, so he gave me some pointers.

He paid some compliments, and I saw him give me the once over more than once. He told me he liked my red fingernails matching my toenails, and I told him my toes always match my fingers. Id forgotten though that he hadn't actually seen this colour before, because he said "no you usually wear a black or something", and he's right. I replied "well, yeh, I guess you're right. You haven't seen this colour before. It has been 16 weeks, since you've been here."

I played it cool. He kissed me a bit more full-on as he was leaving. I wanted to maul him. I'm sure he wanted to do the same to me.

He said he see me when I got back, but that's just something you say. Jokingly he asked me to bring him back a carton of Lucky Star smokes.

It was nice to see him. I would have done him there and then. Dammit.

No News

There has been no contact of any sort from B this week. Not that I expected any, because he never just rings or texts out of the blue.

I've hooked up with this other guy, and while things are great, there is something about B I guess Ill always be looking for. If things were to get serious with this other guy, that would be fine, I'm more than happy to explore things further with him. I'm just sayin'.

Why bother?

B sent me a text last night, just after 11pm. It said "Hey sexy. Just thinking about you. Hope you're going great."

What to reply? 'Im okay. Could be better. Are you coming over? Where have you been? Do you realise its been 15 weeks since Ive had you in my bed?'

I replied "Yeh good thanks."

I wondered if he was testing the waters so to speak to see if he could come around... otherwise, why bother? Why the hell would he even send me a message? No, there was no other message.

I drove past his house as usual to and and from the gym this morning. On the way back, he was out front with a friend (or someone). It looked like he made to turn around to look at my car, but he couldn't of course, especially if his wife was around...

Yep, I'm still pissed off about all this.

Thats it, Id say.

After B's phone call that Wednesday, I didn't hear from him the next Saturday night, or the next.

And Im quite pissed off about the whole thing.

I think I realised weeks ago that even though Id asked him if he'd brushed me etc, that that was in fact what he was doing. But then he had to occasionally throw in different things to confuse me, like the time I went away with my girlfriend a few weeks back, and he wanted to come by, or his phone call the other day. I mean, why would he even bother?

I've driven past his house a few times, and I went to our local hotel last night, but I haven't actually seen him. And I haven't texted him, or emailed, or called.

Tonight, Saturday again, and its been 15 weeks since we've been "together".

Now, I have to tell you, that the Thursday before last, I went to see a musician a few hours drive away, with a girlfriend, who is a bit of a groupie of this particular artist. Long story short, we got to go backstage, I met the artist, but also seemed to have a bit of a connection with one of his guitarists, and after some chatting, texts and emails, we hooked up last Monday. He has a bit of a profile, and we (or just I??) hope to hook up again near the end of the week, as his schedule due to rehearsing and tours etc is so hectic, and I go overseas for a 10 day holiday next Sunday.

Just in our first 4 days, I learnt more about this guy, M, than I did about B over 6 months. And the other great thing is that he pursued me, not the other way 'round. :-)

Dont think that will be a long term thing (assuming that we even get to meet up again) - he wants his own kids for starters (and after a few of my own, Im done!) - but am happy to go along for the ride, so to speak.

I actually do hope that B does send me a midnight message tonight asking if I'm home etc. I cant wait to send a biting reply.

Suprise!

B had yesterday off from work; saw him yesterday out front of his house in his everyday clothes, so I knew I wouldn't hear from him...

I gathered he was at work today though, because his work van wasn't there on the way to the gym, or the way back. Had the phone practically glued to my side all day. Just in case. Bah!

I sent an email to his work of just a funny picture; looked like guys he worked with, one butt naked dressed on a Borat outfit.

So, of course, at 4.13, when I had my kids in the car, and we were on our way out, Id come back inside the house for something, and my daughter bought my phone to me saying he had called! I called him back...

"So," he said. "You said I owed you a phone call", and had a bit of chuckle. "And... why is that funny?" I asked.

For a woman, men reading this would've been very proud of me. I don't think I sounded naggy or whiny at all!

I asked him what happened to Saturday night just gone. "I didn't know we were meant to meet up." he said. I told him he'd said it that night when Id met him for a drink, but had sent him the email to confirm. Short of it all, is that he says he hasn't received my emails Ive sent to work. Well, actually, he has received them, but they've been marked as spam and he cant access them, including the one from today.

Then I told him how I thought he'd gotten himself in to a spot of trouble or something, with girls contacting him, because he'd deleted himself from the social networking site. He said it was because he'd simply had enough of it (the site).

We had a good chat, although I could've talked more. My kids were in the car waiting for me, although Id signalled to them that I was on the phone and would be out soon. There's so much to talk about, but when caught out like that, it's hard to know what to say first, and trying to remembering everything I wanted to get out is hard!

As usual, he didn't confirm any "next time" with me. Just "Ill see you soon".

How do I feel? Oh! I don't know. Blah!

Sadder

Its a public hooliday today. The weather is crappy. And Im sadder than yesterday.

I sent B a message yesterday morning before I went to the gym; along the lines of knowing Im not on his list of priorities, Im not interested in his excuses, but he at least owes me a phone call.

I'll be really suprised if I hear from him.

Ive learnt that this man does not like confrontation. If he stood up for what he really believed in, he would be working things out with his wife, and letting her know that he isnt feeling appreciated or wanted by her. If he stood up for himself, when he had band practice he wouldve organised the guys a little better with rehearsal times, and what to play etc, but he kept saying it "wasnt his place". If he stood up for himself, he would be negotiating with his work a little more about accepting less responsibility and workload.

Why do we try to reason things?

Sad

So, no call. No text. Nothing.

I went to bed just after 11pm; and didn't sleep til 1.30am. I called him at 12am and just after 1am (blocked my number) but there of course was no answer.

My emotions and thoughts were all over the place, as they are now. I swing between being furious, sad, and feeling that as usual, a man I care about has disappointed me, big time.

Ive thought about confronting him somehow, or even confronting his wife and telling her. But in the first instance, begging isn't a good look, and in the second, well, its seems he's perhaps already started his own demise.

The Decider?

So, its 10.59pm...I havent heard from B of his own accord since he called and I met up with him 2 Fridays ago. I did send him a text during the week asking if he was around in a suburb I was in, but he said no. I am meant to see him tonight, according to what he said that Friday night... and Id also reminded him of what he'd said in an email I sent (which, surprise surprise, he didn't respond to). I also offered in that same email that I could pick him up after the show (tonight) because it's at a different (and closer) venue... I had to pick my daughter up from a friends an hour or so ago, and I drove past B's house, and the cars were still there. So, he must of got a lift in then. But I am thinking since I haven't heard from him yet, I wont be picking him up either.

I also noticed that his social networking profile is now gone... one minute this morning it was there, and a few minutes later, it wasn't. And still isn't. Dont know what the deal is with that, but I remember him saying a few months ago he was considering deleting it... I wouldn't mind betting he's got himself in to a bit of bother, after meeting someone else, and they've found him on the site, and sent messages, which he has claimed to me in the past his wife reads, or has access to or some such. He has an unusual name, so I guess finding him would be easy too; after all, it was for me way back in November last year...

Part of me imagines that his wife or someone they're close to found this blog, and they've put two and two together. In a way, I hope he does get found out. If I were her, Id want to know.

Anyway. I don't know how to feel right now. Will he give me some lame excuse that he cant come here because he got a lift to work with someone already? Will the excuse be that daylight savings begins tomorrow and he needs to sleep? Will the reason be related to why he deleted himself off that site? Maybe I just simply will not hear from him. I've thought about calling now. Or simply getting in first with a message. But I really want to see what he has to say.

12 days

Sigh.

I don't know how I'm gonna get through another 12 days without seeing B. I mean, I know I will, but omg, this is so hard.

I'm still trawling the online dating sites, and I'm in contact with a few. I spoke to one on the phone last night. I still thought of B the whole time.

Sigh.

Apology

I received an unexpected text from B tonight; he apologised for being a "joke" last night. I replied that he was just drunk, not a joke, and that Id wrap him in my arms anytime (and to have a good night).

Nice of him to do that.

A drink!

I sent B a short message today simply asking how he was. We texted back and forth a little. I knew that being a Friday I would "be fresh" in his mind so to speak, for the weekend. I actually wondered if he would go to the local pub, as he often does, and call me to come up for a little bit...

Id been asleep for more than an hour when my mobile rang just before midnight, displaying a blocked number. Took a minute or two of conversation to realise who it was, and then only because B said it was him! He told me he was out at another local tavern, and hinted about me coming up. I decided to join him because he cant make it here tonight due to a bucks party, and the following week will be the wedding!

He was there with his work mate that lives next to my friend. I could tell they were both a bit too full... B bought me (and himself) another drink and the other guy went home, although I would've quite happily dropped him home... B said he didnt want me to take him (B) home because he didnt want me to think he'd only called me up to get a lift.

We caught up a little bit on stuff; I could've said a lot more but didn't think there was much point because he had drunk too much. We were talking about how frequently I go to the gym, and remembering that Sunday a few weeks back when I drove past and he was out front with his Sunday. He apparently had done a bit of a wave and remembered he shouldn't be! He said "you're not a stalker or anything are you?" and I asked "Why? Because I drive past your house?" and after he nodded I said, "well if I was, don't you think I would've done something more obvious by now?" He replied "Yeah I suppose so". So I said "Look, if I was going to purposely cause trouble, there has been opportunity for me to do so. But that doesn't benefit anyone" and I told him how I saw his wife "working" the other week!

He makes me very aware of myself. I don't know how I can feel so sexy, even when he's so drunk!

We were talking about the t-shirt I was wearing; its a new one from Guess. A tad 'blingy' compared to what I normally wear, but B said it was hot. Ï took my little jacket off so he could see the back (and because I was working my moves subtlety) and he said again "Its hot. You're just so fucking hot".

If thinks I'm a "legend". He seems to admire how much of a "mum" I can be, yet still do my own thing. He likes that I try to create that balance. He finds his two boys difficult and says he cant 'manage it" at all. I said they're still young, and so close in age, but then that's all I said; I figured he's not after advice from me...

He was rather 'seedy' on the way home and I wondered if he was going to throw up! One of my fav songs, Lady Antebullum's "Need You Now" came on. I told him I loved it, but couldn't say I think of him whenever it plays...

He stayed in my car a few minutes and made to get out, then closed the door again, and kissed me. We kissed a little, and cuddled. He again told me how he loves cuddling. He made to get out a couple of times, and then would swing his legs back in the car and shut the door and kiss me!

He 'booked' in 3 weeks from now with me, but I've been invited out that night with a bunch of girls, and I also don't know if B will remember "booking" that night with me... what to do? Both!

B apologised a number of times. I dont know what he was apologising for. He kept saying he "was a joke". I'm convinced now more than ever that he drinks to drown his sorrows in a way. He definitely seems to be the type to avoid home, rather than dealing with whatever at home.

As we cuddled - he was in my arms - he said "this is nice" and I asked him if he "spooned". He said "Of course!" Ah how I miss spooning. He went to sleep, and I let him stay that way for about 15 minutes. I woke him, and said he should go. It was almost 2am.

Shit. I had really hoped my feelings had died a little at least. But, nope.

Away

I went to wine country over the weekend with some girlfriends, and while I had a fabulous time, the other half of me was always thinking how nice it would be to experience it all with a partner, and wondering if I would hear from B.

Saturday night, we all had an early night, although I was the last to go to bed, just after 10pm. For various reasons I couldn't sleep, so I got up and got myself cosy on the lounge in front of the fireplace.

Since there were really only two possible scenarios regarding B, it was all I could think about. One was that in true Murphy's Law style, I would hear from B, and he would want to see me that night. If that was the case, there obviously wasn't anything I could do, but it would be nice to know... The other half of me decided that if I didn't hear from him, or if he gave me an excuse again, that I would be done and dusted with him.

Id settled on my decisions, and was in the early stage of sleep, when just before midnight I received my awaited text from him asking if I was busy. God dammit. I told him I needed him, but that I was away and where. He replied, saying have fun etc, and "til next time". Double God dammit. So of course then I couldn't sleep. It was 1am before I did.

Bring on this Saturday! I need me some lovin' from B. My breath still catches and my tummy goes funny whenever I think about him touching me or sex together...

Tuesday 7th

Id sent a message on B's day off reminding him to stop by if he was around and that I would be in the suburb he generally works in the next day. So, the next day, Tuesday, I let him know I was around if he was able to catch up. He replied 45 minutes later saying there was no chance of catching up because he was on a massive job. Sigh. So then I let him know I would be around his way again that night on my way to the gym, and that Id be going with A. Thought that would provoke some kind of response but nope.

7 weeks

Of course there was no contact at all during the week, and I had my reply ready in advance to his message of "sorry cant make it tonight" that I knew would come.

And it did.

At least it was early; 5.45pm.

But, he threw a spanner in the works; he said he wasn't working tonight (he "normally" comes to me after work on a Saturday night).

There are ways for me to check if the show was on, which I did, and it would appear that he was truthful.

Shit.

Problem is, apart from the obvious ones, is that next weekend I'm away for a girlfriends 40th. And the following weekend Ill probably have my period. And IF I see him that night it will be 9 weeks.

OMG.

So I texted back saying that I HAD to see him for a few minutes during the week. And to have a nice day tomorrow (its Fathers Day).

There is nothing else on my horizon. Or rather, no one else May as well keep on keeping on.

Makes No Sense

I really can not figure out what my... obsession with B is. Or my infatuation? My longing? Ah! I dont know! Whatever it is, it's crazy!

He is not the best looking guy around; there IS something about him, but he's average looking. Not the most muscular, or most cut. Not the best conversationalist. And certainly not the biggest dick.

He drinks too much, and he smokes (have NEVER gone out with a smoker), he's hardly ever home, he gets defensive easily, and he cheats on his wife.

So what the fuck am I thinking, (putting aside that he can turn me on with just a look, his eyes make me melt, his kisses are probably the best ever, he is a hard worker and good provider (for his fam obviously, not me), is interesting and talented and makes me feel so passionate)?

Tough Tuesday

Yesterday was really tough; I spent the day at the club with my nan, where I go once a month with her, and the compere is someone B works for. Sitting there, watching the day's entertainment, and everything reminded me of B.

It was there in that room that I first remember laying eyes on him, only 9 months earlier. Watching the band play, and the guitar reminded me of him. I scratched the back of my head and as my hand smoothed down my hair, I remember his touch and how he started stroking my hair when we were in the car on our first night together. Words in the songs brought tears to my eyes. A few times I had to stop the tears from falling...

So many things.

I didn't drive past his house at all, except for on the way to the gym last night; I made to turn in to his street but could see the carport light was on, so turned out of the street and went a different way. I only drove past after the gym.

I saw his work mate's house mate A at the gym last night. We don't talk a lot, but she told me how B's wife was getting a bit annoyed he wasn't home earlier on Friday night when she had dinner ready...

Ive already got the message in my phone ready to reply on Saturday when he gives me the excuse how he cant come 'round. It says something like "It's okay B, I reckon I get the picture by now. I'll never forget you. x".

Anyway, if I fill my days I will somehow get through.

No drive by!

On my way to a girlfriends this morning - who I haven't seen for a few months to have coffee - I headed in the direction of B's house to do my usual drive by, but halfway there (even though he's only 4 or 5 minutes away), I turned and went in a different direction and straight to my girlfriends.

And I didn't drive past on the way back home either.

Woohoo!

Believe me, thats a BIG deal.

My promise to the Universe

I went out last night to a friends 40th - and funnily enough it was at the local pub (same one I went to Friday night, and the one B frequents).

Nice group of people, and I started off in a good mood; Id just driven past B's house on the way there and saw his car was not parked there, so assumed he would of driven to work, which would mean that he didn't get a lift after all, and would therefore be able to come see me.

Pfft.

As the night wore on, I think a culmination of too much food, lack of sleep, gym, over-thinking, and not feeling comfy with the only single man at the 40th sitting next to me all night made me feel "off". Oh, and probably also because by 10.30 I had received no message from B, and if he had intention of coming by, I would've heard.

I drove past his house on the way home of course, but his car was in the drive way. I can only think that perhaps his wife dropped him off!

I was home and in bed by 11.10pm.

But I had a hard time falling asleep. I must of napped for a few minutes, and woke suddenly. A few minutes later at 11.45 B sent me a message saying he couldn't "do it tonight babe" and that he would try and catch me after work tomorrow. "Sorry". I replied "K. x" What more could I say?

I passed his house on the way to the gym this morning, and the work van definitely was not there, and was not there an hour or so later.

1.30pm, as I was on my way to spend the afternoon with family in the Eastern Suburbs, his work van still wasn't there.

Parking around the beaches on the Eastern Suburbs is not easy, especially for more than 2 hours. As I came to my family's street, I'd made a "deal" that I would not contact B until he contacts me first, and there in front of me was a family vacating a 4 hour parking spot. "Okay", I said out loud, "thank you for my spot. I will not contact him until he contacts me".

Sounds silly, I know, but Ive had a few "universe" moments like this. So I have to trust it. Shit.

And I didn't get a message all day.

He must be trying to make extra money at the moment because he's been working extra Sundays. Think he has tomorrow off. But I wont hear from him.

6. looooooong. weeks.

:(

A Shake of the Hand

Well, Wednesday afternoon I ended calling B, right before I had to pick my kids up from school. Mulled over it a good hour before "biting the bullet". I asked him straight out if I would see him Saturday night. He said he didn't know, that he was trying to organise a lift. "Why do you need a lift?" I asked him. His reply was because he wanted to 'get on the can' (drink) and hasn't been really able to in a while. Oh poor baby."Uh-huh" was all I could say to that. He asked me what was new and what Id been up to, and I said a lot can happen in six weeks and that I couldn't talk anyway because I was doing the school run. The call lasted a minute.

A few minutes later I texted him offering that I could pick him up after work if he could arrange to get there. He replied "see how we go."

So, the allure of drink is more appealing. What the? I guess its safer for him. His wife would be used to that at least.

I also noticed he changed his profile picture to one of him at some music festival holding a can of drink...

Last night I went out with some girlfriends (including my new friend, the wife of the guy I had coffee with a week ago) and had dinner at the local pub where B hangs out. This night was not arranged by me in any way. As I parked I could see B in his usual spot. And he watched as I walked in. I went and said hi to my friends who were inside, and then went and got a drink from one of the bars that opens to outside where B was and stood where I knew he'd be able to see me. And see me he did. He gave me a nod of acknowledgment, and I smiled back.

It took him half an hour, but I was pleased when he texted me asking me what my plans were. I asked him how long he was staying for and he replied "about 5" but I didn't understand what he meant and thought perhaps 5 hours! He actually meant 5 minutes (lol), that he was having one more beer and would be leaving so I asked if he wanted me to come and say hi. he said "sure" and told me that one of the girls (the one I see at the gym who lives next to one of my best friends etc etc) would be here soon too.

The timing was great because I had to pick up my 2 younger kids from a friends house shortly, so I said goodbye to my dinner friends and went to finish my drink with B and his friends. He was at the bar when I sat down so I spoke to - lets call her "A" - and her housemate, one of B's workmates - until B returned. When he came back he said hello, and shook my hand in greeting. Oh my. What a game.

And, for the next 15 minutes, I think B and i must of said 2 sentences; the rest of the time I spoke to A. Who is just lovely. I was aware the whole time of when B was watching the footy, or when he was watching me as I talked to A. I had just had a spray tan a day or two before, my first one, and at one point as I was talking to A about it, I purposely took my jacket off to show her because I knew B was watching. But I couldnt talk to B because I was worried Id give something away in front of A! Girls are more perceptive than guys.

Toward the end, I told her how many kids I had, and she was saying how good I looked etc, and then B was making out he didn't know how many I had, continuing the game.

I told A I would no doubt see her at the gym - don't know if B knows we both go there or not - and told B I would "see him later".

But, who knows if and when that will happen.

Very sad

Ive been quite down about the whole relationship thing for the last few days...

Last week I went on a date with someone I met online, and he was nice enough but I just didn't feel a connection. Probably just as well, because the world being as small as it is, it turns out we have mutual friends, and his wife (they've been separated about 6 months) and I met on Friday night while we were out with one of our mutual friends! I also went out on Sunday with another guy I met online, who was also nice thankfully, but again, no real connection.

Ive also heard a number of stories about couples breaking up; one is a close friend of mine, two couples I know through other friends, and even one of B's wifes best friend (amazing what you can discover on the internet!)! Because of that, I think B's wife may be feeling a tad insecure; last week on the social networking site, his profile pic was of their little family. Last night he changed it to of the two of them kissing. Could also be the reason he has stayed away.

The wife best friend has a local business and I thought Id check it out yesterday... and fuck me! but there at the front counter working was B's wife! I walked past, and a few minutes later, walked back. She saw me. But she would not of known who I was, although I was waiting for someone to call out to me as I walked away up the stairs... I don't know why I went there, or what I was hoping to achieve.

And yesterday afternoon I sent B an email. All I said was "whats new?" Clearly nothing is new; no message of any sort in reply.

I'm so torn; I was thinking about calling and asking now if I will see him Saturday night. But he'd probably just fob me off. Or even if he did say no, that doesn't change my plans for Saturday night.... but at least Id know. And if he did tell me now he couldn't see me, should I suggest we get together and talk and finish things once and for all? Is he waiting for things to settle down around him so he doesn't arouse suspicion?

I know I should just forget it all, forget him, and move on. Would be alright if I knew what direction would be the right way to follow. There's no guy waiting in the wings. I'm not in regular contact with single eligible men. The online dating thing sucks.

And today I'm just a bit of a mess.

Busted

I went to the gym Sunday morning, as I usually do now (have been going for a few weeks), and, as I also usually do, I drive directly past B's house on the way there, and back.

After gym, I was feeling good, had the windows of my car down (yay! the weather is finally warming up!) and music loud. And I drove past his house, and there he was out front, holding his youngest son!

There is no way he would not of seen me, and I did not look at him directly or give any indication to say I had seen him.

Oops.

He has today off work, so nothing will happen today for us.

What am I saying? Nothing will ever happen again but the looks of it.

Not tonight either

Saturday night again. And no B again...

At least I received a text though, around 8.30pm. But no mushiness this time. "Hey. Cant make it tonight, got people over home. Gotta get back early. Sorry."

I replied not long after: "okay babe. looking forward to the reunion".

10.30 I did a drive by... figured Id see some cars at his house then. Perhaps its for his wife's birthday; I'm sure her birthday is around this time. But nope, not an extra car in sight. No lights on. Nothing.

My personality is mixed; partly skeptic, and otherwise optimistic. On one hand I'm thinking why does the guy feel he needs to lie to me of all people? If you cant come over, or simply don't want to then say so. Don't make up some freakin' story... and then the other part of me thinks, well, if it IS his wife's birthday or whatever, then what is really happening is that there is a celebration of sorts at someones house (like her parents for example) and its easier for B to say there are people at HIS house than explain (especially via text) what the deal is.

The other point is what is his use of keeping me dangling? Or does he think perhaps this is letting me down gently? Ive given him enough opportunity now to have this "whatever this is" end.

Yes I do want to drive by again around midnight... but I wont.

No, I dont undertsnad why Im doing what Im doing. Me, the controlled and composed person that I am...

Next week will be 6 weeks. The same length of time we were apart when I broke it off...

Obssessive?

Went out to B's pub on Friday night; got there around 7.45pm, but didn't see him or anyone that looked familiar (in his circle of friends). Maybe they didn't go out? Or they'd just had their after work drinks and had already left.

Didn't hear from B at all. All Saturday night I waited as usual for a message from him, as I went about my own stuff. I was so sad and pissed at the same time, as I got ready for bed just before 12am.

By 12.15 I thought "stuff it" and I tried calling him, to say something along the lines of "you know how much Ive missed you; you could of at least let me know you wouldn't be coming by tonight". I psyched myself up, and dialled... and the phone went straight to a message saying it had been switched off. I waited a few more minutes and tried again. Then I tried his work phone; it too had been switched off.

12.30am I sent a text message saying I was disappointed and that I didn't know what had happened or changed but he could at least taken time to tell me.

20 minutes later I was still not asleep, and extremely restless, and... I put on my slippers and dressing gown and did a drive by of his house! The car was there; he was home. All I could think was that he'd had an early night after all, and not stayed out or gone somewhere else like I thought.

I wasn't sure if he'd be working Sunday, but perhaps he did, because I did a drive by again (took myself off to Maccas for breakky) and his work van wasn't there. Just before 10am I received a text from B saying "Sorry babe, left phone at home last night". Not good enough I'm afraid.

So I replied "Now what? You've known ahead of time what you've had on. I'm pissed I haven't seen or spoken to you for even 10 minutes in 4 weeks." He wasn't happy. He replied "Ive had a heap on my plate. I cant do everything." Well, obviously I'm not a priority but I didn't realise I didn't matter at all! I replied along the lines of please don't get defensive, that we're all busy gorgeous but I make time for what matters and that I miss him etc." I ended with "See ya. x". Later I thought what if he takes my "see ya" the wrong way? As in "goodbye" when I meant "when you're ready"? so I texted that through on his work mobile later.

So, its after midday Tuesday now. Ive heard nothing, and I don't expect to. At least til Saturday, but to be honest I reckon I'll be lucky to hear anything for a while. Hes not that bad mannered where I wont hear anything ever again, but he wont hurry that's for sure.

Ive started my 2nd real attempt at online dating. Had a couple of disasters about a month ago, and that's before even actually meeting anyone through it! But Ill try again and see what happens.

Really need to let go of B.

Benefit of the Doubt

Sorta.

Ive just realised that Id blocked my caller id, so any calls Id make, or sms's Id send would not show my number. This was just confirmed when I tried to ring my brother, and he didn't realise it was me calling. And he's a big techno dude, so he'd know...

So, B may not of known for sure that the message was from me yesterday, hence his reply of "cheers".

Sill, I haven't heard from him otherwise though. :(

The Wife

Went to the gym this morning, which is one of a number of local gyms, but happens to be nearest B, and on the way home, driving past his house, as I do from time to time (honestly its on the way), I saw the family car had been reversed in to the driveway, and the boot was open... I parked around the corner, walked through the park opposite their house and across the street, and looked through the trees while pretending to be on my phone. Hung around a few minutes and saw... the wife. She was getting her shopping out of the car. Not very clearly, I have to say. Saw her just a little clearer when she came to letterbox. Smallish build, hair half pulled back. Dressed a bit frumpish. I don't mean that in a disrespectful way. She looked mummsy, and practical.

Anyway, I feel low for even "spying" on her, even if it was only for 2 minutes.

I am very torn today on what to do. Haven't heard anything from B obviously since the "cheers" freaking goddamn stupid message that raises my hackles whenever I think about it! I'm still thinking wtf?

Supposed to be going to the local pub with a girlfriend and one or two of her other friends tomorrow night. Will probably see B, but have decided that while Ill make it so he sees that I'm there, Ill play it cool with him. Hopefully there will be other talent we can talk to and hang with.

I also don't think B will be working this Sunday, because he has already had his flexi this week, and not due again for 2 weeks. He tends to work the Sunday when he has Monday off.

I wanted to call him and ask if he was working Sunday or not, and whether that meant he would be coming to see me or not on the Saturday night. Depending on his answers I was going to give him a bit of a hard time. Just a little. :-)

Anyway, I'm gradually learning not to act impulsively. Ive thought about it, and know if I called or texted again about anything, I will look desperate and needy etc.

So, again, I wait. And will give the SOB a small but quiet piece of my mind when I see him. If I see him. Okay, when I see him.

Cheers!

Through a social networking site, Id noticed B had changed his profile pic, to a really awful modified one. Very unflattering, but it's funny at the same time. Sent him a message this morning saying what a shocker the pic was. 6.5 hours later he replied "Cheers."

Cheers? Cheers? WTF is that? Gee I'm sorry that I'm not worth more than 15 seconds to send a decent reply to.

Or, here's a novel idea, how about a goddamn phone call?!

Sad but resigned

No B tonight either. Lovely message received saying he had a lift with his parents (they must of gone to see his show, or else I think it may be the owners birthday bash...) etc.

Am very sad. And dissapointed. I had already resigned myself to a relaxed night at home; my 2 eldest daughters and I are having a cruisy night watching movies and eating pizza.

I replied saying how sad that was (that he couldn't come by), and could we please try and meet up during the week because I cant wait a whole week before I see him again. I also said how I know he wouldn't want to hear it but that I miss him...

He replied that he'd try (to meet up) but that things have been flat out lately (although I don't know if he meant work or home, or both?). And he said he misses me too.

Unfortunately, next weekend I'm due to have my period, and he will possibly be working on the Sunday morning...

Sigh.

Here's Hoping

Sent a text yesterday saying I'm going through withdrawals... he replied a few hours later saying "Yeh. Me too."

Well, Damn it!, I hope we fix that tomorrow night!

Brushed?

So, after that text from B on the Tuesday, I didn't hear from him at all... not even by Saturday night.

Id gone out the night before and actually, I hooked up with a cute guy Id always liked when we were in high school together. He was keen for some action back at my place, but I gave him a head job - if you can call it that (it was less than a minute) - instead. He had a good size dick as well; bigger than B. But I wasn't interested in a one-nighter.

The next night (Saturday) I went out too, but was home by 11.30. Id figured that since I hadn't heard from him, that he wouldn't be coming, but it would've been nice to be kept informed. He's normally more considerate; he'll sit on the other side of me if the breeze is blowing in the wrong direction so that his smoke wont go on me, or he'll ask his mate to move so that I'm included in the group, or he'll put his hand over the break lever so it doesn't dig in my hip...Anyway, this was the first Saturday night, apart from his holiday and our break (and one other occasion) that I hadn't heard a thing. I was devastated.

So, Monday morning, I sent a text asking if he'd brushed me, "just so I know". He replied, and said "not at all", and that he'd gotten a lift Saturday night. He asked how I was and about my weekend. Fab.

Now what? Just wait until the next booty call? Guess so...

All is okay. I think.

Ummed and ahhed about sending B a message today; something general like "this weather is gorgeous!" or "hope your Tuesday is fab" or something equally cheesy and girly. ;-) I did not send one however due to that very fact, and was glad I didn't, because he sent me one at 11.00am explaining how he didn't have his phone on him on Sunday night and therefore did not get my original text (about meeting me at the ATM) until yesterday. Id also sent a message a little while after Id returned home thanking him for the drink, to which he replied "my pleasure" and said have a great day. "You too." I replied.

So, I think we're okay. I was worried that... I dunno, like perhaps he'd want to end things after my clingy attack. lol.

Silly me

I was supposed to meet someone this morning from a dating site that Ive been talking with, but that didn't happen due to miscommunication... to say I was annoyed is an understatement!

And of course all day I thought about B, wondering when he'd finished work, if he'd message me, blah blah blah.

My daughters and I went out for dinner with some family, and as soon as we returned home, I put my mouth back on, and told them (my daughters) I'd be back in an hour. I went to the pub where I knew B would be.

He was in his usual spot, and I stood where I could see him, but because I didn't know who he was there with I couldn't stand in full view. I sent him a text basically saying hi and to come meet me. I waited and watched a while to see if he looked at his phone. After ten or 15 minutes, I realised Id have to do something else. I noticed one of his friends was a guy Id met out with him a few weeks back, so I stood where I knew he'd see me and then he'd get B's attention for me.

That worked.

B looked over, and smiled, and gave a bit of a nod in acknowledgment. I nodded back and then walked just out of view, thinking that he would come over. Silly me! I waited and waited. I'm thinking what the?? So I walked back in to view, he saw me, and I motioned for him to come to me.

He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek, and asked why I didn't go over (to their group) and I replied I didn't know who he was there with so how could I? He asked why I didn't reply to his text message from the night before, and was I pissed off or something? and I replied that I hadn't wanted to sound whiny or nagging so I didn't reply. I said it wasn't about "Saturday night" but more about the fact I hadn't heard from him all week. He did this shrug and facial expression that said "well, what can I do?". "Anyway," I said, "thats why I'm here. Instead of replying to that text".

Anyway, after a bit of chit chat, he invited me over to the group, and he bought me a cab sav. Two guys from work were there as well as the female friend of one Id met the other Thursday night, and her best friend who is also one of the guys house mate, who - small world indeed - lives next door to one of my good friends!

I stayed for about 30 minutes. We talked about Bali, and other bits and pieces and he commented on how good I looked (awww). B did say "stay" (longer) but Id already told my daughters Id be home at a certain time. I said goodbye to everyone, and sashayed my way out.

Not. Happy.

You know how B works one Sunday morning every 4 or 5 weeks? Well I had a feeling it may fall this weekend... I went out with some friends last night to a concert by an old time Aussie singer. It was an impromptu invite, but I'm glad I went; we had a good time.

Around 7.40 B sent me a text saying "Hi Sexy" (he hasn't used any endearments in a while), asked how I was, and also let me he couldn't call in. He said "talk soon" and finished with "xxx" which he has never done with me before. I was so pissed off, upset and confused all at once. I actually shed a couple of tears! Pissed off that I hadn't heard from him all week, upset I wouldn't get to see him (but really I'm more pissed off at not hearing from him), and confused about his use of kisses. What the? Is he trying to sugar coat things? I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to sound whiny, or complain, or clingy or upset. And I didn't want to say that it was "okay" either. So, I didn't reply at all. So not like me.

I dropped a daughter off to the movies this morning and did a drive past his house on the way back and the work van wasn't there, but that doesn't really mean anything. And I think he has a day off tomorrow too, so who knows when or if Ill hear from him.

Fucker.

Call Girl

Here it is, 9.12pm Friday night, and I haven't heard from B since Monday... and even then it was only briefly. I sent him a text asking out of all the little things Id worn for him was there any he'd liked the best and he replied "they're all good". I replied that he was a bugger and that that answer was too general.

And nothing else since.

I thought I may have heard from him last night, if he'd gone to see the band at the pub, or at least tonight inviting me for drinks... but nope. So tomorrow, if he messages me, I should suggest he brings his money and start paying me since he's using me like a hooker.

He is so unpredictable! How is okay to have lots of contact one week, and barely anything the next?

I joined up with 2 online dating sites during the week... short version of that is that Im meeting up with a gorgeous guy on Sunday... will be interesting anyhow. More on that some other 60 seconds.

Saturday Night

Last night was wonderful. Again.

6 weeks

I received a text from B around 8.30 Saturday night asking if he was seeing me later. Later, around 11.40pm - half an hour earlier than usual - I received another message asking "now?". i had 2 of my older daughters home and we'd only just finished watching a movie, so I was a bit surprised. "10 minutes!" I texted back...

Our "relationship" - Ill have to think of another word - has shifted slightly. It's a little more relaxed, or something. A bit like, for me at least, I'm confident now that I am his "other" woman and neither of us are finishing with each other any time soon.

I still feel a little self conscious at times though. A little shy. I don't think that's a bad thing. Its better than being too cocky and coming off brash. When he arrived I directed him straight to my bedroom, and went back and got him a drink of water that he wanted. He sat on my bed and drank it. "You finished?" I asked him with a bit of a laugh. "'Cause now I can kiss you!" I said and pushed him back on the bed.

The yummiest yummiest kisses!

I was dressed in my black chenille 3/4 dressing gown with nice lingerie... I undressed him, starting with his boots. He made this noise when I went to take his socks off, and I told him girls prefer the socks off! :-)

For the first time, there were a number of times, when he almost came quite early. But he made me stop, or be still, or let go of his balls. And Id pout, or say no, and then I started saying I wanted him to give it to me. "That makes a change, doesn't it?" he asked and I smiled.

"This feels so good he said". We looked at each other a lot this time... and he said "Its been a while." "6 weeks," I replied. "But who's counting?" We chuckled.

After a while though, it seemed things were going the other way... We tried a few different positions, and once, when I was on top, he said "we'll have to try something else." "Like what?" I asked. "What do you want" and he put his fingers on my mouth and said "Like last time." He wanted me to give him a head job. After a few minutes I went down on him, but I have to say this area of things is rather frustrating. Giving head, at least with my previous partner of 9 years, has never been a problem. But I know B likes it fast, and I told him I couldn't be that fast with my mouth. I came back up to ride him again, and kiss him. I asked him if he minded kissing after Id been down on him and he said not at all. Which I like.

He had me doggy style and after a couple of minutes he asked if I wanted to "finish" him. "Yes!" I said, and so he withdrew out of me and turned me around and I blew him with my mouth. I love when he comes; he felt hot and big in my mouth, tasted fantastic (the best Ive tasted), but most of all I like the noises he makes.

We laid for a few minutes but it actually felt odd. I'm used to him dressing or showering straight away.

As he was leaving, and we were kissing and cuddling, he said he wished he could stay. I wished he wouldn't say that, because that will never happen, but I just nodded and held on tighter.

I told him that next week there would be just him and me (ie: no kids) and that maybe he could make some noise. Then I got a bit flustered because that sounded like I was assuming he would be here.

But regardless, having said that, and as Ive already said, I do know I will see him soon. Either Thursday night at the pub to watch whoever the musos are, or Friday night for drinks with his work mates, or Saturday after the show.

Update

I received another text 2 days later asking if I was about but I was out for the day... then 2 days later I sent a simple text saying "thinkinboutcha" and he replied, equally simply, "likewise".

The next day I had some absolutely awful news; someone close to me passed away. B was due to play at a venue with his band that night and while I hadn't made plans to go watch anyway, there really was no way I could attend afterall. I sent a message anyway around 8pm wishing him luck and wishing I was there but I didn't receive a reply.

The next night he texted asking if I was up for a quick visit. I replied yes and gave him the details of my new place, but when he arrived I had to share the news from the day before with him and I knew because of the circumstances that I cant share here, that we wouldn't have sex, and quite understandably so. He was quite shocked by what Id told him and stayed about 1/2 hour...

Monday I sent a message asking if he was still going to rehearsals on a Wednesday now, or was that all finished now that they'd played the gig on Friday. Because they need a new singer, rehearsals are indeed not on for a while. B also asked how I was (because of the news Id shared) and I replied that Ive got great friends and family and I was doing okay which he said he was pleased to hear.

Tuesday I passed B in the car, and he smiled and waved... he was on his way home from work. 20 minutes later I noticed Id received an email from him which he would've sent an hour before, and he said that he checks his emails everyday, and that there's never anything from me and that he misses them every now and then. Awww. But I replied that Ive been trying to back off since he wanted to cool things a bit, and that I was glad he noticed. I told him its been hard because I still want him!

Thursday morning I messaged asking if he was going up to the local pub that night (to watch the band that was on; he'd played there the previous Thursday), and he said that for the first time in weeks he wouldn't be because he was looking after his sons but "maybe next week". We texted a little more...

And then yesterday, I attended the funeral, and wondered if in the evening B would message me about meeting him out for a drink... friends had just left my house around 6pm, when he messaged saying he would've loved for me to join him but that he was leaving soon... Anyway, long story short I was able to be at the pub within minutes, so I went. He had gone there straight from work and was there with a friend who Id apparently met before. B told me this guy knew "everything" which I clarified later; he knew about the passing of this person and also about the relationship between B and me.

B was lovely. he said he'd been thinking about me all week wondering if I was okay, and that he'd been affected by this news too and just wanted to give me a big hug. He said he had seen me walk in, and how hot I looked, and he especially liked my boots.

I only stayed a half hour, and as I left, he stood up too, and motioned me to him. He gave me a kiss and a big hug.

It made my day.

The weekend

Saturday night, after I returned home from watching my daughters in their high school musical, and from dropping them off to a fellow cast members "after" party I still hadn't heard from B. He's not normally out from the show until after 12 but I still thought that he may have sent a text or two through the night. By 12.15am, after getting ready for bed and reading there for a while, I figured that if he were visiting I would've received a message so I turned out the light... 15 minutes later he texted me saying that as much as he would've loved to see me, he'd only just finished work and was due to start his other job at 6am, and asked if he could see me next Saturday. I replied that I needed to at least kiss him senseless so bad and that after 12 next Saturday is his... I still get tingles and funny feelings in my stomach remembering his kisses and his touch...

Yesterday my daughters and I were sorting out the back room of our house and normally I have my phone glued to me which I did for most of the day. But as is always the way it seems with B, when I absolutely least expect it, I get something from him... 20 minutes after not looking at my phone (a long time for me, believe me!) there was a message from him asking if I was about. Dammit! I replied "yes" but knew it was too late. He replied that he was nearby and was going to call in but would have to leave it til next time now. :( I don't think it would of been possible really for him to come in with my daughters being home. If it were a "normal" relationship, fine. But again, I was happy to know he was thinking of me. Living 4 minutes away from him has advantages I guess. :-)

He has his day off work today and again I thought I may of heard from him, but nope.

As much as I hope we do get to catch up during the week at least I know that Saturday night (or Sunday morning) for a couple of hours he's mine. We have 5 weeks to catch up on and a lot of things to make up for.