And today

we fucked.

:-)

Text

The bugger sent me a text a few minutes after he left last night saying it was nice to see me, and to have a good trip. Then he said he was off to bed, alone, and "sweet dreams".

Immediately I replied, "What? Alone? God dammit." to which he replied "for a week too". "So why did you leave?" I asked. He said it was because Im seeing someone and that I didnt seem too keen. Turns out his wife and kids are away!

I told you I played it cool. Obviously too cool. ;-)

Well, I was just following his lead really... he originally texted to say he could "pop in for 5" then after he grabbed his glass of water, he asked if we could sit somewhere. And then at 1.40ish he said "well, its that time where I have to go", so I thought he really did only want to chat. Or rather, I knew he wanted to have sex, but I just thought he was being a "good boy" and refraining, so when he kissed me at the end, I didnt want to get things heated up more, or make it difficult.

I told him that I still feel keen for him even after all this time, and that Id hope when I am in a committed relationship, Id be strong enough to say no to him (B). In the meantime however, if he's ever at my house, I want him, and that I was ready for him from his first message tonight. I tried to get him to come back, but it was creeping toward 3am by then, so I suggested today after he finishes work.

Hed also said he obviously didnt read me too well, and that I looked hot, and that he thinks about fucking me a lot. As raw as that is, and I know its just about sex, it turns me on. He also said he misses me, but is just trying to do the right thing. I told him I knew he'd been staying away on purpose.

He replied this morning, saying he was glad we'd sorted that out... Im hoping he'll swing by today before I leave...

Busy?

I went out tonight and met up with a guy I used to go to school with, and who I also had a bit of a crush on. I knew he was harmless, which is why I felt okay meeting up with him. He's married, and just goes out ocassionally to see a band or have one or two beers. Met a couple of his friends, and we had a good couple of hours. Then I took myself off to see Eat Love Pray at the cinema.

At both places, there was little or no reception on my phone...

And I knew I would hear from B.

The movie finished at 11.45, and B had sent me a text at 11.11pm.

I replied saying Id had no reception etc. The short of it is, when he asked if he could stop by I agreed. And I swear to God, I felt wet immediately, just at the thought of him...

I changed in to a dress from jeans and boots. Dimmed the lights a little. Music on. Like "normal" when he was here in the past.

He kissed me hello, and I gave him a glass of water (which I know he likes, from past experience! lol).

As we went to sit on the lounge, I jokingly asked him if he wanted the lights on, and he said yes, cause he wanted "to see" me, so I turned one on.

He arrived about 12.30 and left at 1.45am. And we probably talked the most we ever have, especially while he's been sober.

In his round-a-bout way, he asked me if Id found a guy, and I told him a little about the guy I've started seeing. I said if I were interested in one night stands, I could have that any time I went out, but that's not me... And I reminded him my trip overseas is tomorrow. He's been there too, so he gave me some pointers.

He paid some compliments, and I saw him give me the once over more than once. He told me he liked my red fingernails matching my toenails, and I told him my toes always match my fingers. Id forgotten though that he hadn't actually seen this colour before, because he said "no you usually wear a black or something", and he's right. I replied "well, yeh, I guess you're right. You haven't seen this colour before. It has been 16 weeks, since you've been here."

I played it cool. He kissed me a bit more full-on as he was leaving. I wanted to maul him. I'm sure he wanted to do the same to me.

He said he see me when I got back, but that's just something you say. Jokingly he asked me to bring him back a carton of Lucky Star smokes.

It was nice to see him. I would have done him there and then. Dammit.

No News

There has been no contact of any sort from B this week. Not that I expected any, because he never just rings or texts out of the blue.

I've hooked up with this other guy, and while things are great, there is something about B I guess Ill always be looking for. If things were to get serious with this other guy, that would be fine, I'm more than happy to explore things further with him. I'm just sayin'.

Why bother?

B sent me a text last night, just after 11pm. It said "Hey sexy. Just thinking about you. Hope you're going great."

What to reply? 'Im okay. Could be better. Are you coming over? Where have you been? Do you realise its been 15 weeks since Ive had you in my bed?'

I replied "Yeh good thanks."

I wondered if he was testing the waters so to speak to see if he could come around... otherwise, why bother? Why the hell would he even send me a message? No, there was no other message.

I drove past his house as usual to and and from the gym this morning. On the way back, he was out front with a friend (or someone). It looked like he made to turn around to look at my car, but he couldn't of course, especially if his wife was around...

Yep, I'm still pissed off about all this.

Thats it, Id say.

After B's phone call that Wednesday, I didn't hear from him the next Saturday night, or the next.

And Im quite pissed off about the whole thing.

I think I realised weeks ago that even though Id asked him if he'd brushed me etc, that that was in fact what he was doing. But then he had to occasionally throw in different things to confuse me, like the time I went away with my girlfriend a few weeks back, and he wanted to come by, or his phone call the other day. I mean, why would he even bother?

I've driven past his house a few times, and I went to our local hotel last night, but I haven't actually seen him. And I haven't texted him, or emailed, or called.

Tonight, Saturday again, and its been 15 weeks since we've been "together".

Now, I have to tell you, that the Thursday before last, I went to see a musician a few hours drive away, with a girlfriend, who is a bit of a groupie of this particular artist. Long story short, we got to go backstage, I met the artist, but also seemed to have a bit of a connection with one of his guitarists, and after some chatting, texts and emails, we hooked up last Monday. He has a bit of a profile, and we (or just I??) hope to hook up again near the end of the week, as his schedule due to rehearsing and tours etc is so hectic, and I go overseas for a 10 day holiday next Sunday.

Just in our first 4 days, I learnt more about this guy, M, than I did about B over 6 months. And the other great thing is that he pursued me, not the other way 'round. :-)

Dont think that will be a long term thing (assuming that we even get to meet up again) - he wants his own kids for starters (and after a few of my own, Im done!) - but am happy to go along for the ride, so to speak.

I actually do hope that B does send me a midnight message tonight asking if I'm home etc. I cant wait to send a biting reply.

Suprise!

B had yesterday off from work; saw him yesterday out front of his house in his everyday clothes, so I knew I wouldn't hear from him...

I gathered he was at work today though, because his work van wasn't there on the way to the gym, or the way back. Had the phone practically glued to my side all day. Just in case. Bah!

I sent an email to his work of just a funny picture; looked like guys he worked with, one butt naked dressed on a Borat outfit.

So, of course, at 4.13, when I had my kids in the car, and we were on our way out, Id come back inside the house for something, and my daughter bought my phone to me saying he had called! I called him back...

"So," he said. "You said I owed you a phone call", and had a bit of chuckle. "And... why is that funny?" I asked.

For a woman, men reading this would've been very proud of me. I don't think I sounded naggy or whiny at all!

I asked him what happened to Saturday night just gone. "I didn't know we were meant to meet up." he said. I told him he'd said it that night when Id met him for a drink, but had sent him the email to confirm. Short of it all, is that he says he hasn't received my emails Ive sent to work. Well, actually, he has received them, but they've been marked as spam and he cant access them, including the one from today.

Then I told him how I thought he'd gotten himself in to a spot of trouble or something, with girls contacting him, because he'd deleted himself from the social networking site. He said it was because he'd simply had enough of it (the site).

We had a good chat, although I could've talked more. My kids were in the car waiting for me, although Id signalled to them that I was on the phone and would be out soon. There's so much to talk about, but when caught out like that, it's hard to know what to say first, and trying to remembering everything I wanted to get out is hard!

As usual, he didn't confirm any "next time" with me. Just "Ill see you soon".

How do I feel? Oh! I don't know. Blah!

Sadder

Its a public hooliday today. The weather is crappy. And Im sadder than yesterday.

I sent B a message yesterday morning before I went to the gym; along the lines of knowing Im not on his list of priorities, Im not interested in his excuses, but he at least owes me a phone call.

I'll be really suprised if I hear from him.

Ive learnt that this man does not like confrontation. If he stood up for what he really believed in, he would be working things out with his wife, and letting her know that he isnt feeling appreciated or wanted by her. If he stood up for himself, when he had band practice he wouldve organised the guys a little better with rehearsal times, and what to play etc, but he kept saying it "wasnt his place". If he stood up for himself, he would be negotiating with his work a little more about accepting less responsibility and workload.

Why do we try to reason things?

Sad

So, no call. No text. Nothing.

I went to bed just after 11pm; and didn't sleep til 1.30am. I called him at 12am and just after 1am (blocked my number) but there of course was no answer.

My emotions and thoughts were all over the place, as they are now. I swing between being furious, sad, and feeling that as usual, a man I care about has disappointed me, big time.

Ive thought about confronting him somehow, or even confronting his wife and telling her. But in the first instance, begging isn't a good look, and in the second, well, its seems he's perhaps already started his own demise.

The Decider?

So, its 10.59pm...I havent heard from B of his own accord since he called and I met up with him 2 Fridays ago. I did send him a text during the week asking if he was around in a suburb I was in, but he said no. I am meant to see him tonight, according to what he said that Friday night... and Id also reminded him of what he'd said in an email I sent (which, surprise surprise, he didn't respond to). I also offered in that same email that I could pick him up after the show (tonight) because it's at a different (and closer) venue... I had to pick my daughter up from a friends an hour or so ago, and I drove past B's house, and the cars were still there. So, he must of got a lift in then. But I am thinking since I haven't heard from him yet, I wont be picking him up either.

I also noticed that his social networking profile is now gone... one minute this morning it was there, and a few minutes later, it wasn't. And still isn't. Dont know what the deal is with that, but I remember him saying a few months ago he was considering deleting it... I wouldn't mind betting he's got himself in to a bit of bother, after meeting someone else, and they've found him on the site, and sent messages, which he has claimed to me in the past his wife reads, or has access to or some such. He has an unusual name, so I guess finding him would be easy too; after all, it was for me way back in November last year...

Part of me imagines that his wife or someone they're close to found this blog, and they've put two and two together. In a way, I hope he does get found out. If I were her, Id want to know.

Anyway. I don't know how to feel right now. Will he give me some lame excuse that he cant come here because he got a lift to work with someone already? Will the excuse be that daylight savings begins tomorrow and he needs to sleep? Will the reason be related to why he deleted himself off that site? Maybe I just simply will not hear from him. I've thought about calling now. Or simply getting in first with a message. But I really want to see what he has to say.