Thursday, July 28, 2011

The Same Car

I haven't heard anything from B, not that I expected to, since the 13th, and certainly haven't seen him, or even a hint of him anywhere either. I've limited driving past his place, or even just his street; before I may of driven out of the way past his place on the way home after taking my daughter to work for example, or on the way home from somewhere else, but the only times Ive driven by have been because I shop occasionally at a centre near his house and that honestly is the most direct route, or to the gym, which is also the most direct way.

Earlier tonight though, I was taking my daughter to work, around 5.15, and I could see a car which looked like his (family car) coming from the opposite direction. As it neared, even the number plates looked the same (they're a particular colour and style). And it made sense he would be in the location, since his parents live closer to me than he does. As we neared, I could feel my cheeks start to burn. And in those few seconds I had left I wondered whether to acknowledge him... or what.

However, it wasn't him. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was red as a beetroot. I blamed it on the heater in the car, for my daughters benefit.

Stupid reactions. :P

Monday, July 18, 2011

The breakup

It's been 5 days now. 5 long painful days, since I broke it off, finally, with B.

When I am ready to write it, in the next couple of days, I know that I will still be able to explain how I was feeling at the time, because I am still feeling it now.

I needed to end it, but my heart is broken.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Quote

Just saw this:

"Its not what I feel about him,
Its what I dont feel for anyone else."

and this:

"Your worst battle is between what you know, and how you feel".

Ive started the ball rolling...

Yesterday, Sunday, after I took my daughter to work, I did my usual out-of-the-way drive-by past B's street. Again, it serves no purpose. I just do it.

On my way home, I saw him driving from the opposite direction. Well, I saw his car. As he got closer I saw it was him, with his cap on. I didn't have time to notice if anyone else was in the car, only that there was no wave or acknowledgement. No text saying "hey pull over and we'll catch up for 10 minutes".

And I'm thinking 'this is fucked'.

An hour and a half later, I risked it, and sent him an sms: "For both of us, I think we know what needs to happen now. But after 15 months, I cant do it via text. So let me know ASAP when we can meet".

I went to our local pub (where B goes) last night with two girlfriends (not my suggestion) who are both aware of what is going on, and we talked about it a little. B has every second Monday off (which would be today), but I didn't see him last night.

I am so sad. I am devastated. I cant believe I fell so hard for someone I cant have. I am a grown, attractive woman, who could have a decent pick of the bunch. Shit.

I haven't heard anything, and its 24 hours since I sent the message. I dont know either when to expect contact from him. Perhaps he'll 'pfft' it and think I'm not serious. Or that its just another way to get attention. I imagine he'll call during the week, perhaps on his way home from work, and will say something like "So I got your text. What's this shit?"

I play out the conversation in my head over and over, what Id say. I dont expect he'll come after me and beg, which is why I guess its taken me a while to finally reach this point, because I have to know that once this is done, he wont be there any more. And I started the ball rolling because it has to be done. I knew once I put it out there, it is for good this time, and I cant renege.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Shift Focus to "what is"

and not the "'if only".

Easier said than done though.

I have had a little contact with B over the last few weeks; all my initiation and all very unfulfilling.

I went to the club with my nan, for the last time for a while as I'm about to commence study, and we took a few photos with some of the other ladies, band members and compere (who, if you remember, B works with sometimes). I sent B a message letting him know I could meet up later but he replied that he couldn't (today).

A few days later, I asked him if he'd received an email Id sent to his work providing the number of a physiotherapist Id heard was great, because he had a continual sore shoulder and back. He said Id sent it via text, thanks, but that he'd ended up going to his regular physio and had exercises to do.

That was that.

And then last Tuesday I asked him if he'd noticed on the social network site that on the comperes 'wall' there was the photo Id put up from the day at the club (and obviously I'm in it), and then only a few days later, a friend of his had put up a photo a few years old of him (B) in a group. I found it a little funny we were on the same page. He said he hadn't seen it, and would check it out.

I knew he would check it out that night, Tuesday, because I know the wife goes to a gym class.

Everything on my profile is set to private, so you cant even see who my friends are. I changed my "About me" to read: "Knows I desperately need to pull that pin, cause we cant have our cake and eat it too. but for now ill pretend what I feel doesn’t matter, and you can pretend to be happy in your ‘safe’ option." I assume that when he looked at the pic of me, he'd click through to my profile, so that that quote is what he'd see.

That night, when I myself got home from the gym, I checked his MySpace account, and noticed he'd logged in with that days date (he hadn't logged in for about 3 months previously), so I can safely assume he would've checked the other one. And I changed my "About Me" to "Happiness is a choice. If it's important, you'll find a way. If it isn't, you'll find an excuse ". I love it. It's a keeper.

Of course I didn't hear back about any of it.

Last night I had dinner with friends, and I was soooo tired. It was 10.15 and I just wanted to crash. On the way home Id driven past B's and noticed his work van was parked on the street so I assume he drove to work last night. I sent him a playful message saying I was just coming home from dinner, wondering if Id see him, or if Id have to reacquaint myself with my 'rabbit'. An hour later he replied "I cant. Sorry".

I couldn't really say "But didn't you drive?" and asking "Why?" is too whiny. But I do find his short reply a little odd, unless of course my 'message' on the social network site made him realise how serious I feel. I felt a mixture of things; pissed off. Resigned. Sad. Confused. Wasn't going to reply but decided I would. I'm tired of being nice. And safe. And easy. I said "Sorry? Yeah right. Night. x" To be honest I almost finished it with him then and there. But I didn't want to do it via a text message, and this is something that will definitely need closure, especially for me.

I guess Ill do the ol' "not contact him for a few weeks thing", and then message him to say "What's going on."

And I didnt bother with the rabbit.