Monday, May 31, 2010
Today I was able to keep extremely busy. Thankfully. I cried before going to sleep, but surprised myself by not crying for long, because ultimately I know its the best decision.
My daughter had a celebration on through the church, we went to lunch with my dad, and later I met up with my girlfriend R to see a musical. I still had teary moments throughout the day though, when no one was looking...
And I told my girlfriend about B. I started by saying to her that "last night I ended a 2 month affair with that guy from the show". She actually was a lot calmer than I imagined. Because Id told her as we were actually saying goodbye to each other, I only got to briefly fill her in, but gee it felt great.
My daughter had a celebration on through the church, we went to lunch with my dad, and later I met up with my girlfriend R to see a musical. I still had teary moments throughout the day though, when no one was looking...
And I told my girlfriend about B. I started by saying to her that "last night I ended a 2 month affair with that guy from the show". She actually was a lot calmer than I imagined. Because Id told her as we were actually saying goodbye to each other, I only got to briefly fill her in, but gee it felt great.
Do you ever have days when time either seems to drag, or it goes so quickly you wonder how you're going to do everything you had planned? Saturday was one of those quick days. That excited, yet worried me. I knew that the time that I would see B would come around before I knew it, but that would also mean he'd be gone just as quick.
By Saturdays, I'm usually extremely tired. And I always say I'm gonna get a nap in, before I go anywhere or do anything for the night. Being a quick day, there was no chance of a nap!
I realised I hadn't actually tried on my stay-up stockings, corset with suspenders, and new knee length boots, so I spent some time feeling comfy with what I was wearing. Later, I watched a movie, and had a couple of glasses of red. The whole time though, I was wondering if Id get a message from him saying he couldn't make it after all, or worse, no indication at all, and that 12.30 would roll around and he wouldn't show! Its an awful feeling.
11pm he sent a message, and wanted to know how my dildo party had gone. (I'm having an adult toy party in a few weeks, for a bit of a laugh. After ward we're going out somewhere local). "It's not for a few weeks yet," I replied. "Settle down". "Oh sorry" he said, "I thought it was tonight. You still keen for a bit tonight?" When I read the last part of that message, I was a bit taken aback. I thought, well that's the most direct he's been. And I'm not sure I liked it. But I replied "Always for you".
He arrived just before 12.30am, the usual time. I felt great and knew I looked good. I had a black chenille short dressing gown over my lingerie. Great music was playing. I answered the door with a smile, and a wine in one hand, and stepped back to let him in. He checked me out. I got him a glass for a drink (just water this time), and he came back to me, and checked me out some more. He fiddled with the gown, and smiling, said I looked great. I took the gown off and threw it over the chair, and he circled me. He pulled me to him, and I died in his arms.
Simply kissing him is amazing. We kissed for a bit, full length body to body. It was hot. He did this little thing with his hand on my chest, like a tiny push, that I knew meant to go in to my room, so I did.
I took my boots off, and was suddenly 8 cm shorter! B is quite tall, and while I am too, even with boots on I'm still not the same height as him, so no boots was quite noticeable. He took his boots and socks off. We kissed and felt each other. I took off his shirt and undid his belt. He wore a g-string, which must of been because of the gig he did, because he's told me before that ordinarily he hates wearing them. He's too "blokey" for that.
I commented on his forwardness with his earlier message asking if I was still keen for a bit. He smiled and said "Yeah, why muck around?".
We explored, I played, he played. I went down on him, and he went to go down on me, but I told him it wasn't a good idea...
I asked him if he wanted my stockings to stay on. We decided that they would. He realised that the corset had a million hooks to undo, so we left that on too. And then, he realised that the suspenders would need to be undone, to get my undies off. I said we didn't need to - again I reminded him that there are ways around everything (we couldve pulled my undies to the side). He didn't know how to undo the suspenders, so I encouraged him to work it out. Quick learner!
That first entry always feels amazing. I came twice within minutes. I had a little giggle; I felt great.
We changed position, and we did it doggy style. And then, he discovered was one small problem. "I think you have a problem. Downstairs."
Having started on the pill a few weeks back, which you start on the first day of your period, everything was going good. But it can take a cycle or two before your body gets in to a pattern, and another light period started almost 2 weeks before it was meant to, and kept going. So, I had a light period, and I should've told B, but I didn't. In actually honesty, I didn't think he'd mind, but I know I still shouldve said something.
So, I sat back on him. And I said, "yeah, sorry about that". "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "Well, I kinda did. Before" but I knew that was lame. "I couldve just used a different hole" or something like that, he said, and he moved as if he would've tried that, but I was a bit embarrassed so I kept still. He got up, and went to shower. And asked me if I was going to join him. So I did.
I said some guys didn't mind about that kind of thing, but agreed I should of told him. "Well, its a first for me anyway" he said. Hmmm.
"So, are you gonna make me come?" he asked. I said "I don't know. You're not that easy. But Ill try" and sank to the floor and took him in my mouth and hands. The sounds and what he says when he comes - having only experienced him "coming" 3 times! - actually turns me on. I swallowed, and I think he was a little surprised by that too.
I got out, and as I was dressing, I briefly explained about the pill and what had happened. he asked what the time was, and it was only ten past 1am.
He dressed, and got his cigarettes from the car, and lit up out the back. I joined him for a bit, but I always find him a tad stand offish after sex, so I came back inside and laid across the top of my lounge singing along to the music.
He came back in, and said he had to go. I asked him to stay a little, and he said "nah, id better go". We cuddled a little, and he said "so ill see you in a month". I thought "what? A month? What about meeting up during the week? Or before band practice?" I was quiet. I didn't know what to say. And he made his way to the door. ""Thanks for having me" he said. He went out of the door. I locked it. I think he knew something was up, but he didn't say anything. I closed the main door.
And then I thought, no. that's it. it has to end now. my heart cant deal with this.
I opened the door and went to him; he'd only just got in to his car because he'd put his jacket on. He turned up the music and we listened to that for a few seconds, until he realised something was the matter. "You alright?" he asked. I put my hand on the back of his neck and asked "You re not sorry are you? You don't regret anything?" and he said "No, of course not. Do you?" "No, I don't." and I kissed him. Then I stood up straight so he couldn't see my face. "Whats the matter?" he asked. I leaned back in the car, and said, before I started crying "I cant do this anymore." He repeated "You cant do this anymore?" "No," I answered. I kissed him again, and walked away before I blubbered.
I locked the door. Turned off the music, blew out the candles. And hopped in to bed.
A couple of minutes later I sent a text saying that Id had a letter for him but didn't think Id actually say anything tonight. I hoped it wouldn't take me another 39 years to find someone who would make me feel like he does. And that I had no regrets. He replied "So do I. Ditto".
And that was that.
By Saturdays, I'm usually extremely tired. And I always say I'm gonna get a nap in, before I go anywhere or do anything for the night. Being a quick day, there was no chance of a nap!
I realised I hadn't actually tried on my stay-up stockings, corset with suspenders, and new knee length boots, so I spent some time feeling comfy with what I was wearing. Later, I watched a movie, and had a couple of glasses of red. The whole time though, I was wondering if Id get a message from him saying he couldn't make it after all, or worse, no indication at all, and that 12.30 would roll around and he wouldn't show! Its an awful feeling.
11pm he sent a message, and wanted to know how my dildo party had gone. (I'm having an adult toy party in a few weeks, for a bit of a laugh. After ward we're going out somewhere local). "It's not for a few weeks yet," I replied. "Settle down". "Oh sorry" he said, "I thought it was tonight. You still keen for a bit tonight?" When I read the last part of that message, I was a bit taken aback. I thought, well that's the most direct he's been. And I'm not sure I liked it. But I replied "Always for you".
He arrived just before 12.30am, the usual time. I felt great and knew I looked good. I had a black chenille short dressing gown over my lingerie. Great music was playing. I answered the door with a smile, and a wine in one hand, and stepped back to let him in. He checked me out. I got him a glass for a drink (just water this time), and he came back to me, and checked me out some more. He fiddled with the gown, and smiling, said I looked great. I took the gown off and threw it over the chair, and he circled me. He pulled me to him, and I died in his arms.
Simply kissing him is amazing. We kissed for a bit, full length body to body. It was hot. He did this little thing with his hand on my chest, like a tiny push, that I knew meant to go in to my room, so I did.
I took my boots off, and was suddenly 8 cm shorter! B is quite tall, and while I am too, even with boots on I'm still not the same height as him, so no boots was quite noticeable. He took his boots and socks off. We kissed and felt each other. I took off his shirt and undid his belt. He wore a g-string, which must of been because of the gig he did, because he's told me before that ordinarily he hates wearing them. He's too "blokey" for that.
I commented on his forwardness with his earlier message asking if I was still keen for a bit. He smiled and said "Yeah, why muck around?".
We explored, I played, he played. I went down on him, and he went to go down on me, but I told him it wasn't a good idea...
I asked him if he wanted my stockings to stay on. We decided that they would. He realised that the corset had a million hooks to undo, so we left that on too. And then, he realised that the suspenders would need to be undone, to get my undies off. I said we didn't need to - again I reminded him that there are ways around everything (we couldve pulled my undies to the side). He didn't know how to undo the suspenders, so I encouraged him to work it out. Quick learner!
That first entry always feels amazing. I came twice within minutes. I had a little giggle; I felt great.
We changed position, and we did it doggy style. And then, he discovered was one small problem. "I think you have a problem. Downstairs."
Having started on the pill a few weeks back, which you start on the first day of your period, everything was going good. But it can take a cycle or two before your body gets in to a pattern, and another light period started almost 2 weeks before it was meant to, and kept going. So, I had a light period, and I should've told B, but I didn't. In actually honesty, I didn't think he'd mind, but I know I still shouldve said something.
So, I sat back on him. And I said, "yeah, sorry about that". "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "Well, I kinda did. Before" but I knew that was lame. "I couldve just used a different hole" or something like that, he said, and he moved as if he would've tried that, but I was a bit embarrassed so I kept still. He got up, and went to shower. And asked me if I was going to join him. So I did.
I said some guys didn't mind about that kind of thing, but agreed I should of told him. "Well, its a first for me anyway" he said. Hmmm.
"So, are you gonna make me come?" he asked. I said "I don't know. You're not that easy. But Ill try" and sank to the floor and took him in my mouth and hands. The sounds and what he says when he comes - having only experienced him "coming" 3 times! - actually turns me on. I swallowed, and I think he was a little surprised by that too.
I got out, and as I was dressing, I briefly explained about the pill and what had happened. he asked what the time was, and it was only ten past 1am.
He dressed, and got his cigarettes from the car, and lit up out the back. I joined him for a bit, but I always find him a tad stand offish after sex, so I came back inside and laid across the top of my lounge singing along to the music.
He came back in, and said he had to go. I asked him to stay a little, and he said "nah, id better go". We cuddled a little, and he said "so ill see you in a month". I thought "what? A month? What about meeting up during the week? Or before band practice?" I was quiet. I didn't know what to say. And he made his way to the door. ""Thanks for having me" he said. He went out of the door. I locked it. I think he knew something was up, but he didn't say anything. I closed the main door.
And then I thought, no. that's it. it has to end now. my heart cant deal with this.
I opened the door and went to him; he'd only just got in to his car because he'd put his jacket on. He turned up the music and we listened to that for a few seconds, until he realised something was the matter. "You alright?" he asked. I put my hand on the back of his neck and asked "You re not sorry are you? You don't regret anything?" and he said "No, of course not. Do you?" "No, I don't." and I kissed him. Then I stood up straight so he couldn't see my face. "Whats the matter?" he asked. I leaned back in the car, and said, before I started crying "I cant do this anymore." He repeated "You cant do this anymore?" "No," I answered. I kissed him again, and walked away before I blubbered.
I locked the door. Turned off the music, blew out the candles. And hopped in to bed.
A couple of minutes later I sent a text saying that Id had a letter for him but didn't think Id actually say anything tonight. I hoped it wouldn't take me another 39 years to find someone who would make me feel like he does. And that I had no regrets. He replied "So do I. Ditto".
And that was that.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Wednesday morning I sent a message to B saying everything was okay (meaning with my children's father) and that I could still see him tonight (before band practice) unless he'd had enough of me for the week?
He responded that he was glad to hear (that all was okay), that he hadn't had nearly enough of me for the week, and that practice wasn't on, due to a big televised footy game, but it was on the next night instead. We texted some more through out the day, including him asking if I had any (more) pictures to send him, and me telling him it was his turn. What of? he asked. "Your hard dick" I replied. "Let me see how much you want me". I couldn't believe I wrote such a thing. "Ha ha", he responded. "No chance." How funny.
I thought I would take the opportunity to lock in seeing him after his gig Saturday night, and asked him "or should I be making other plans?" He said he'd be here. Later, he sent a message wondering what special things I had planned for this week. Keep wondering, I said, although I do have plans. I said Id consider special requests! "I think I'm a bit shy compared to you" he replied. Ah, I don't think so. I replied that I didn't believe that, and that we obviously have more to learn about each other then. "I love that about you," he replied. "Don't get me wrong". I'm not really sure what he meant by that actually. Don't get me wrong as in he's not really shy at all? He loves the fact that I know there's still a lot more to discover and experiment and try with each other?
Turns out that band practice was cancelled for the next evening as well, and I was devastated. He asked if he would see me out on the Friday night, because Id already known he was planning "a big night" and was "on a long leash" meaning he would get home at whatever time. I replied that I probably wouldn't go. I would've talked with him about it if I saw him, but for me its difficult to organise a Friday night... I have 3 of my kids every second Friday night, and one cant be left with just anyone due to a disability, so organising care is not straight forward. So he said he'd see me Saturday then.
Friday morning I was on the radio and went in to a draw to win a trip to Paris. I messaged B and told him, but knew that Paris would not be a place he'd be interested in. "Yeah, fuck that" he replied.
Toward the end of his work day, he messaged me to ask if I was going out. I said I could probably organise it for an hour or so, and Id also be by myself, so there was probably no point was there? I purposely posed it as a question. If he had of said "Come for the hour" I would've. Instead he said "see you tomorrow night".
At 6.30pm, when I knew he'd be at the pub, I sent him a message saying if he got bored and wanted to leave early and come to my place, I could pick him up. A couple of hours later, he sent a message from his work phone, where I'd previously sent the pictures to, saying if I wanted contact, I could get him on that number. I told him Id already sent him that previous message, and added "oops" cause I was wondering if the other phone's message would be "discovered".
An hour later he sent a message saying he couldn't stop thinking about me. "Good" I replied. It did feel good to read that from him. And then that started the messaging with him trying to get me up to the pub after all. "I just wanna get my hands on you" I said. "Get up here immediately." he replied. That felt good too.
Long story short, my wonderful girlfriend L came over and looked after my son, who was well and truly asleep anyway. My older girls were really just company for her. I told L Id only be an hour so. Meanwhile B kept sending texts asking where I was etc.
I arrived, and eventually "bumped into" B at the bar. My cover, decided by B, was that I'm the Sound and Lighting technician at a Club. Funny. Just hoped none of the guys asked me about my work! B said it would shut them up, as far as answering awkward questions, and I have to say, it did. B was quite ... inebriated. But in a fun way. He kept introducing me by name and "she does sound and lighting".
A friend of B's, who've Ive now met on 2 previous occasions, was there too. We had a good chat; he's fun company. It actually made my time there a bit easier, because B and I couldn't touch (although he did kiss me at the bar), and he didn't actually hang around me that much. I could see him watching me, and watched me watching other people, and we would give each other "looks". He acted this way the last time we were together in public and I know its just a cover, because he cant be seen getting on to another woman since he's married. Anyway, so his friend told me that B had shown him the pictures of the "toys" from earlier in the week, and I ended up saying that I gathered he would've seen the other pictures too, but he denied it. I don't believe it. It was all in fun though.
A couple of B's friends were "interested" in me too, I could see.
I told B I had to go; my time was up, but I was frustrated too by not being able to "be" with him. "No. Don't go yet" he kept saying, and would playfully block my path. We had a bit of a cuddle and he tried to kiss me, but his friends were around (some he works with, some he just went on the trip overseas with), so I turned my head. I thought he may of walked me to my car, and was upset he didn't... as I made my way to really leave, he called me back, and kissed me and said thanked me for coming up.
But I drove like a mad woman outta the car park and most of the way home.
"Frustrated!!" I texted B. "Oh well, you left" he replied. We texted a little more... I slept for an hour or so, and woke suddenly with the first thought being his name. It was 2.29am, so I texted him "Shit I cant sleep. How r u?". He replied "Just home. Sweet dreams".
Aaarrrrrggghh! :-)
He responded that he was glad to hear (that all was okay), that he hadn't had nearly enough of me for the week, and that practice wasn't on, due to a big televised footy game, but it was on the next night instead. We texted some more through out the day, including him asking if I had any (more) pictures to send him, and me telling him it was his turn. What of? he asked. "Your hard dick" I replied. "Let me see how much you want me". I couldn't believe I wrote such a thing. "Ha ha", he responded. "No chance." How funny.
I thought I would take the opportunity to lock in seeing him after his gig Saturday night, and asked him "or should I be making other plans?" He said he'd be here. Later, he sent a message wondering what special things I had planned for this week. Keep wondering, I said, although I do have plans. I said Id consider special requests! "I think I'm a bit shy compared to you" he replied. Ah, I don't think so. I replied that I didn't believe that, and that we obviously have more to learn about each other then. "I love that about you," he replied. "Don't get me wrong". I'm not really sure what he meant by that actually. Don't get me wrong as in he's not really shy at all? He loves the fact that I know there's still a lot more to discover and experiment and try with each other?
Turns out that band practice was cancelled for the next evening as well, and I was devastated. He asked if he would see me out on the Friday night, because Id already known he was planning "a big night" and was "on a long leash" meaning he would get home at whatever time. I replied that I probably wouldn't go. I would've talked with him about it if I saw him, but for me its difficult to organise a Friday night... I have 3 of my kids every second Friday night, and one cant be left with just anyone due to a disability, so organising care is not straight forward. So he said he'd see me Saturday then.
Friday morning I was on the radio and went in to a draw to win a trip to Paris. I messaged B and told him, but knew that Paris would not be a place he'd be interested in. "Yeah, fuck that" he replied.
Toward the end of his work day, he messaged me to ask if I was going out. I said I could probably organise it for an hour or so, and Id also be by myself, so there was probably no point was there? I purposely posed it as a question. If he had of said "Come for the hour" I would've. Instead he said "see you tomorrow night".
At 6.30pm, when I knew he'd be at the pub, I sent him a message saying if he got bored and wanted to leave early and come to my place, I could pick him up. A couple of hours later, he sent a message from his work phone, where I'd previously sent the pictures to, saying if I wanted contact, I could get him on that number. I told him Id already sent him that previous message, and added "oops" cause I was wondering if the other phone's message would be "discovered".
An hour later he sent a message saying he couldn't stop thinking about me. "Good" I replied. It did feel good to read that from him. And then that started the messaging with him trying to get me up to the pub after all. "I just wanna get my hands on you" I said. "Get up here immediately." he replied. That felt good too.
Long story short, my wonderful girlfriend L came over and looked after my son, who was well and truly asleep anyway. My older girls were really just company for her. I told L Id only be an hour so. Meanwhile B kept sending texts asking where I was etc.
I arrived, and eventually "bumped into" B at the bar. My cover, decided by B, was that I'm the Sound and Lighting technician at a Club. Funny. Just hoped none of the guys asked me about my work! B said it would shut them up, as far as answering awkward questions, and I have to say, it did. B was quite ... inebriated. But in a fun way. He kept introducing me by name and "she does sound and lighting".
A friend of B's, who've Ive now met on 2 previous occasions, was there too. We had a good chat; he's fun company. It actually made my time there a bit easier, because B and I couldn't touch (although he did kiss me at the bar), and he didn't actually hang around me that much. I could see him watching me, and watched me watching other people, and we would give each other "looks". He acted this way the last time we were together in public and I know its just a cover, because he cant be seen getting on to another woman since he's married. Anyway, so his friend told me that B had shown him the pictures of the "toys" from earlier in the week, and I ended up saying that I gathered he would've seen the other pictures too, but he denied it. I don't believe it. It was all in fun though.
A couple of B's friends were "interested" in me too, I could see.
I told B I had to go; my time was up, but I was frustrated too by not being able to "be" with him. "No. Don't go yet" he kept saying, and would playfully block my path. We had a bit of a cuddle and he tried to kiss me, but his friends were around (some he works with, some he just went on the trip overseas with), so I turned my head. I thought he may of walked me to my car, and was upset he didn't... as I made my way to really leave, he called me back, and kissed me and said thanked me for coming up.
But I drove like a mad woman outta the car park and most of the way home.
"Frustrated!!" I texted B. "Oh well, you left" he replied. We texted a little more... I slept for an hour or so, and woke suddenly with the first thought being his name. It was 2.29am, so I texted him "Shit I cant sleep. How r u?". He replied "Just home. Sweet dreams".
Aaarrrrrggghh! :-)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
When I saw B on Sunday, we'd already mentioned the possibility of meeting up briefly this afternoon, after I'd gone out for lunch with my nan, which is a regular once a month thing.
I got a call while I was out from my childrens' father asking me to pick my son up, because he - my kids dad - had collapsed and needed to get to the hospital.
As I left my nan, I got a call from his neighbour, who is still a good friend of mine, and also a nurse, saying that an ambulance had arrived, and she would stay with my son until I got there. I quickly arranged to meet B for 5 minutes, by the lake. And it literally was a 5 minute meeting. I told him what had happened, and I could also see he seemed a bit preoccupied; he said that he'd had a slow morning but had just received a job and was organising in his mind who and what he needed to do.
He mentioned the pics from yesterday and asked what happened to more? I said Id had to go out, which I did.
I picked up my son, but had to take his dad to emergency as he'd decided to not go with them after all and waited for me to take him instead, so very lucky I was not long with B after all. Still waiting to see what the outcome is for my kids dad...
I got a call while I was out from my childrens' father asking me to pick my son up, because he - my kids dad - had collapsed and needed to get to the hospital.
As I left my nan, I got a call from his neighbour, who is still a good friend of mine, and also a nurse, saying that an ambulance had arrived, and she would stay with my son until I got there. I quickly arranged to meet B for 5 minutes, by the lake. And it literally was a 5 minute meeting. I told him what had happened, and I could also see he seemed a bit preoccupied; he said that he'd had a slow morning but had just received a job and was organising in his mind who and what he needed to do.
He mentioned the pics from yesterday and asked what happened to more? I said Id had to go out, which I did.
I picked up my son, but had to take his dad to emergency as he'd decided to not go with them after all and waited for me to take him instead, so very lucky I was not long with B after all. Still waiting to see what the outcome is for my kids dad...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Thought Id start the week off with a bit of fun; sent B a message just before 8.30am asking if he was in the Bat Mobile, since I know that's really the only place I can send pictures. He replied yes, so I sent him a pic of a bunch of vibrators and dildos that L had sent me once (her own collection!).
(When talking with B yesterday, Id commented on how much harder it was partnered girls to organise a night out, and its hard for me too, because I'm the only single one in my group of friends. I told him Ive organised an adult toy party at my place in a few weeks, and then whoever wants to go out locally afterward can. He was telling me about his neighbour who does those parties, and the garage is full of dildos. He was having a chuckle, but also because she is an unlikely type to be doing that).
"Funny", he replied, and then ten minutes later, "What are you doing?". And so started the session for the next 2 and a half hours of text messages... and a couple of pictures. He wanted me to send him something "naughty", but Id started my workout by then, so I asked him to tell me what he wanted. He wanted a hot and sweaty from behind shot. My mind went in to overdrive! I don't do these kinds of things! Ive no idea!
As luck would have it, my camera battery was flat, so I sent a behind shot Id take a few days early, but without my head. "C'mon! More! Charge it" he replied. I took a couple of pics with my phone. I thought the one I sent B was pretty hot- just of my bum, with water streaming down - and he thought so too! "Shit! That's more like it! Keep it up!" I sent another of my bum, with my hand sort of feeling myself, along with a message saying I wasn't sending anymore, cause I was wet enough as it was. But he wanted more. So I turned it around on him, and asked him where my pics of him were? Later I told him how horny I was, and asked what I was going to do about that, and he suggested I make use of the toys, or my hands, and have the camera ready. "Ewwww," I replied. "Used goods! " Told him Id have to wait for my party, and that Id rather be riding him. "Dammit" he replied.
Gotcha babe.
(When talking with B yesterday, Id commented on how much harder it was partnered girls to organise a night out, and its hard for me too, because I'm the only single one in my group of friends. I told him Ive organised an adult toy party at my place in a few weeks, and then whoever wants to go out locally afterward can. He was telling me about his neighbour who does those parties, and the garage is full of dildos. He was having a chuckle, but also because she is an unlikely type to be doing that).
"Funny", he replied, and then ten minutes later, "What are you doing?". And so started the session for the next 2 and a half hours of text messages... and a couple of pictures. He wanted me to send him something "naughty", but Id started my workout by then, so I asked him to tell me what he wanted. He wanted a hot and sweaty from behind shot. My mind went in to overdrive! I don't do these kinds of things! Ive no idea!
As luck would have it, my camera battery was flat, so I sent a behind shot Id take a few days early, but without my head. "C'mon! More! Charge it" he replied. I took a couple of pics with my phone. I thought the one I sent B was pretty hot- just of my bum, with water streaming down - and he thought so too! "Shit! That's more like it! Keep it up!" I sent another of my bum, with my hand sort of feeling myself, along with a message saying I wasn't sending anymore, cause I was wet enough as it was. But he wanted more. So I turned it around on him, and asked him where my pics of him were? Later I told him how horny I was, and asked what I was going to do about that, and he suggested I make use of the toys, or my hands, and have the camera ready. "Ewwww," I replied. "Used goods! " Told him Id have to wait for my party, and that Id rather be riding him. "Dammit" he replied.
Gotcha babe.
Monday, May 24, 2010
The very last line I put in the email to B the other day, was that Ive learned to never assume anything.
I obviously did not heed my own advice, especially Saturday night.
I purposely did not text B Saturday night; Id figured Id done enough chasing for the week. Plus, on a couple of other occasions, he hadn't contacted me til close to midnight to see if I was free...
I had a couple of wines, watched a couple of movies (on relationships, of course! "Must Love Dogs" and "Hitch"). And waited. And waited. My friend L checked in occasionally to see if Id heard anything from B, but no, I had nothing to report.
So, by 12.15am, I was angry. And I called him. The first time he didn't answer. I called back immediately, and when he answered there was noise, and music. "Hey, how you going?" he asked. I'm freaking sitting here wondering why the hell you haven't called! "Okay", I replied. "Hey," he said, "Can I call you back?" I'm thinking "What??" I didn't answer. "Can I call you back?" he asked again. "I'll call you back" he said, and I hung up.
I was furious. Fifteen minutes later, he still hadn't called. What? I was supposed to hang about, waiting some more? So I texted "are you calling any time soon?? " and a couple of minutes later he called.
I told him I obviously hadn't taken my own advice, because I assumed he would be at least messaging me about coming over. He said he did plan on at least calling around the time he did anyway, but I replied "Well now, we'll never know".
He'd decided to not come by... he had to work in the morning, starting 6.30am. If he had of, by the time he got home, he wouldn't of been in bed til after 2am. Plus, he thought I had my kids for the night (which I do have 2 of every second weekend, but not this time).
He said a number of times "You know I really want to see you, right?". I felt like a whiny child, 'cause I said "No. I don't." At least until I thawed some...
We had a good chat. I got to explain the way I'm feeling a little better. I told him I cant go a whole week with such minimal contact. I don't want him moving in. I don't even want to talk to him every day! But we just have to tee things up better.
I purposely mentioned during our conversation that I lost my job, and that not seeing him just topped things off. "Oh no!" he said. "Don't say that! I'm sorry!" I told him I'd had things planned for the tonight with him and he asked if suspenders and stockings and stuff was part of that. I said he'd have to wait and find out another time.
He asked me where I was, and I told him I was in bed. "What are you wearing?" But I couldn't really play the game. I replied "some little satiny thing" which was true; Id just showered, and was wearing gorgeous satin pj's.
As we finished the call, he said he'd call me the next day. "Be careful" I said. "I'm working!" he replied; he thought I was referring to being "caught" I suppose. "No, I mean be careful what you say about when you're gonna call". But in all fairness, he's only ever said once before that he'd call on a certain day (the day before he went overseas), and he did call that time...
Sunday morning, the only day I get to sleep in, I woke at 6.32am. My very first thought was that B would've started work 2 minutes earlier.
I kind of slept for another 2 hours, and went to my daughters band camp concert.
L had invited me the day before to join her and her kids footy team (and parents obviously) at a local pub for lunch, so I made my way there. A few minutes before getting there, B called. "See? I told you Id call". We talked for a bit, and he asked me what I was doing. I was going to sound easy and say "nothing much" (because I hadn't confirmed with L that I would meet her), but instead I told him where I was headed. "Oh," he said. "I was hoping we could catch up".
Lucky he couldn't see me roll my eyes.
Anyway, long story short, I told him I hadn't confirmed anything with L, and that I wanted to meet up with him, and that I could still go back to the pub afterwards. We arranged to meet at a park we've met at previously, but it took me almost 20 minutes to get there, even though I drove like the wind.
I sat in his work van, now affectionately referred to by me as the Bat Mobile, for no particular reason. He kissed me hello. And then, for the next 45 minutes, we did not touch. Now, that's control! I felt a bit mellow. Tired. And unsure. But we had a great chat. Learned more about each other. Discovered a few things that I probably wouldn't like if we were long term partners anyway, like the fact that he has no interest in travelling to any European country. Not even France. He likes the little Asian destinations. Cheap. Easy going. Relaxed. Quicker flight times. He was telling me about a girl he met; the girlfriend of a mechanic he deals with. About 22, good looking, sings and plays the piano. She did a couple of songs at the show the night before, and the owner seemed impressed. So was B. Perhaps she'll be a permanent fixture at the end of the year. And I got a tad jealous. My mind was in overdrive; that was probably why he was caught up last night when I rang.
I told him I thought he was on a long leash; I reckon he has it pretty good, being "allowed" out so much. He doesn't think its a big deal; most times he is out is to do with work whether its his day job, or musically. He told me he was on a very long leash this Friday night, if I was able to organise anything...(I don't think ill be able to. Maybe an hour or so, but Ill have to have a think about it).
B also told me about a gig his band has got coming up, more than a month away, and invited me along. Id love to see him play. But who knows what will happen in a month...
He told me how he'd be going home for the afternoon, cutting up some wood for the fire, and getting cosy with some beverages. Sounded perfect. All I could do was sigh and nod.
I had to go because the real estate had organised for an electrician to come by and do some repairs. As I leaned to swing my legs out of the van, B leaned in and kissed me. I don't know why, but I couldn't look him in the eye afterward.
I gave him a wink as we caught each other up in the traffic a few minutes later. And then I went to the pub and met L, and a couple of people from footy.
L was drunk. I haven't shared much about her. Shes lovely, a gorgeous loyal friend. But I hope she sorts her shit out. She asked about B, but really was too drunk to concentrate. I got her and her kids home, and stayed a while.
And then, just like that, it was the end of the weekend.
I obviously did not heed my own advice, especially Saturday night.
I purposely did not text B Saturday night; Id figured Id done enough chasing for the week. Plus, on a couple of other occasions, he hadn't contacted me til close to midnight to see if I was free...
I had a couple of wines, watched a couple of movies (on relationships, of course! "Must Love Dogs" and "Hitch"). And waited. And waited. My friend L checked in occasionally to see if Id heard anything from B, but no, I had nothing to report.
So, by 12.15am, I was angry. And I called him. The first time he didn't answer. I called back immediately, and when he answered there was noise, and music. "Hey, how you going?" he asked. I'm freaking sitting here wondering why the hell you haven't called! "Okay", I replied. "Hey," he said, "Can I call you back?" I'm thinking "What??" I didn't answer. "Can I call you back?" he asked again. "I'll call you back" he said, and I hung up.
I was furious. Fifteen minutes later, he still hadn't called. What? I was supposed to hang about, waiting some more? So I texted "are you calling any time soon?? " and a couple of minutes later he called.
I told him I obviously hadn't taken my own advice, because I assumed he would be at least messaging me about coming over. He said he did plan on at least calling around the time he did anyway, but I replied "Well now, we'll never know".
He'd decided to not come by... he had to work in the morning, starting 6.30am. If he had of, by the time he got home, he wouldn't of been in bed til after 2am. Plus, he thought I had my kids for the night (which I do have 2 of every second weekend, but not this time).
He said a number of times "You know I really want to see you, right?". I felt like a whiny child, 'cause I said "No. I don't." At least until I thawed some...
We had a good chat. I got to explain the way I'm feeling a little better. I told him I cant go a whole week with such minimal contact. I don't want him moving in. I don't even want to talk to him every day! But we just have to tee things up better.
I purposely mentioned during our conversation that I lost my job, and that not seeing him just topped things off. "Oh no!" he said. "Don't say that! I'm sorry!" I told him I'd had things planned for the tonight with him and he asked if suspenders and stockings and stuff was part of that. I said he'd have to wait and find out another time.
He asked me where I was, and I told him I was in bed. "What are you wearing?" But I couldn't really play the game. I replied "some little satiny thing" which was true; Id just showered, and was wearing gorgeous satin pj's.
As we finished the call, he said he'd call me the next day. "Be careful" I said. "I'm working!" he replied; he thought I was referring to being "caught" I suppose. "No, I mean be careful what you say about when you're gonna call". But in all fairness, he's only ever said once before that he'd call on a certain day (the day before he went overseas), and he did call that time...
Sunday morning, the only day I get to sleep in, I woke at 6.32am. My very first thought was that B would've started work 2 minutes earlier.
I kind of slept for another 2 hours, and went to my daughters band camp concert.
L had invited me the day before to join her and her kids footy team (and parents obviously) at a local pub for lunch, so I made my way there. A few minutes before getting there, B called. "See? I told you Id call". We talked for a bit, and he asked me what I was doing. I was going to sound easy and say "nothing much" (because I hadn't confirmed with L that I would meet her), but instead I told him where I was headed. "Oh," he said. "I was hoping we could catch up".
Lucky he couldn't see me roll my eyes.
Anyway, long story short, I told him I hadn't confirmed anything with L, and that I wanted to meet up with him, and that I could still go back to the pub afterwards. We arranged to meet at a park we've met at previously, but it took me almost 20 minutes to get there, even though I drove like the wind.
I sat in his work van, now affectionately referred to by me as the Bat Mobile, for no particular reason. He kissed me hello. And then, for the next 45 minutes, we did not touch. Now, that's control! I felt a bit mellow. Tired. And unsure. But we had a great chat. Learned more about each other. Discovered a few things that I probably wouldn't like if we were long term partners anyway, like the fact that he has no interest in travelling to any European country. Not even France. He likes the little Asian destinations. Cheap. Easy going. Relaxed. Quicker flight times. He was telling me about a girl he met; the girlfriend of a mechanic he deals with. About 22, good looking, sings and plays the piano. She did a couple of songs at the show the night before, and the owner seemed impressed. So was B. Perhaps she'll be a permanent fixture at the end of the year. And I got a tad jealous. My mind was in overdrive; that was probably why he was caught up last night when I rang.
I told him I thought he was on a long leash; I reckon he has it pretty good, being "allowed" out so much. He doesn't think its a big deal; most times he is out is to do with work whether its his day job, or musically. He told me he was on a very long leash this Friday night, if I was able to organise anything...(I don't think ill be able to. Maybe an hour or so, but Ill have to have a think about it).
B also told me about a gig his band has got coming up, more than a month away, and invited me along. Id love to see him play. But who knows what will happen in a month...
He told me how he'd be going home for the afternoon, cutting up some wood for the fire, and getting cosy with some beverages. Sounded perfect. All I could do was sigh and nod.
I had to go because the real estate had organised for an electrician to come by and do some repairs. As I leaned to swing my legs out of the van, B leaned in and kissed me. I don't know why, but I couldn't look him in the eye afterward.
I gave him a wink as we caught each other up in the traffic a few minutes later. And then I went to the pub and met L, and a couple of people from footy.
L was drunk. I haven't shared much about her. Shes lovely, a gorgeous loyal friend. But I hope she sorts her shit out. She asked about B, but really was too drunk to concentrate. I got her and her kids home, and stayed a while.
And then, just like that, it was the end of the weekend.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My day started off okay; met up with L to have coffee and a catchup, and afterward I looked around for some nice pieces I thought B may like... perhaps suspenders, or a corset...
Who knew how much trouble that would be? Due to my size (or lack thereof in the boob department), or the fact that the most gorgeous pieces would cost half of what I earn in a week, or simply not much to choose from, choices were limited.
I finally chose a corset. Black, fairly plain, with just a little lace, which will go nicely with lace-top stay up stockings I purchased yesterday.
When I returned home, I noticed one of the suspender straps was missing, so Ill need to take a trip back to the shop tomorrow. Sigh.
Anyway, I still felt pretty good; I was excited knowing what I have planned for B for tomorrow night when - IF - I see him, and because I was certain he would simply message me wondering where some pictures were (of me in lingerie etc).
Its almost 9.30pm, and there has been no message, or call. I don't know why I'm so disappointed. This is what to expect when you're in an affair. Sometimes you can expect lack of contact when you're in a newish relationship too. Yuk.
This roller coaster is a hard ride.
Who knew how much trouble that would be? Due to my size (or lack thereof in the boob department), or the fact that the most gorgeous pieces would cost half of what I earn in a week, or simply not much to choose from, choices were limited.
I finally chose a corset. Black, fairly plain, with just a little lace, which will go nicely with lace-top stay up stockings I purchased yesterday.
When I returned home, I noticed one of the suspender straps was missing, so Ill need to take a trip back to the shop tomorrow. Sigh.
Anyway, I still felt pretty good; I was excited knowing what I have planned for B for tomorrow night when - IF - I see him, and because I was certain he would simply message me wondering where some pictures were (of me in lingerie etc).
Its almost 9.30pm, and there has been no message, or call. I don't know why I'm so disappointed. This is what to expect when you're in an affair. Sometimes you can expect lack of contact when you're in a newish relationship too. Yuk.
This roller coaster is a hard ride.
Friday, May 21, 2010
B didn't come by last night; he sent a message at 10.45 saying he was just leaving (practice), and he'd take a rain check. "Okay babe. x" I replied.
Today, went shopping, and found a gorgeous lingerie shop - Mary Holland. I have small boobs - not even quite an A cup - so choices in lingerie are very limited. Found a nice bra though that gives me some oomph! without being ridiculous. Texted B and said I was in this to die for shop trying on lingerie, and would've sent pics, except I remembered his phone didn't receive my pics.
40 minutes later he replied, but I was getting a heavenly massage (therefore I didnt get his message until almost 2 hours later), giving me another number to send pics to. Who's number is that? I asked. His work truck! I asked him if he likes suspenders and stockings and stuff, or was he not fussed, and he replied "Shit yeah!". Me thinks the man is very visual! :-)
More than an hour later he asked if Id sent a pic. No babe, I replied. Why not? he asked. I replied that I had no new ones to send".
Im quite certain he's at a local pub playing at a gig tonight, but at least I had him thinking of me.
Only 2 more sleeps til he's mine again.
Today, went shopping, and found a gorgeous lingerie shop - Mary Holland. I have small boobs - not even quite an A cup - so choices in lingerie are very limited. Found a nice bra though that gives me some oomph! without being ridiculous. Texted B and said I was in this to die for shop trying on lingerie, and would've sent pics, except I remembered his phone didn't receive my pics.
40 minutes later he replied, but I was getting a heavenly massage (therefore I didnt get his message until almost 2 hours later), giving me another number to send pics to. Who's number is that? I asked. His work truck! I asked him if he likes suspenders and stockings and stuff, or was he not fussed, and he replied "Shit yeah!". Me thinks the man is very visual! :-)
More than an hour later he asked if Id sent a pic. No babe, I replied. Why not? he asked. I replied that I had no new ones to send".
Im quite certain he's at a local pub playing at a gig tonight, but at least I had him thinking of me.
Only 2 more sleeps til he's mine again.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I have amazed myself by holding out all day, and not messaging B. I almost gave in to sending a text saying something like "Are we good?" or "How was your day?". Then 3 o'clock rolled by (he goes home around that time, or a bit later), and I figured that it was too risky to send anything...
Just before 4pm he sent me a text saying he has practice tonight (for his band). I have 3 of my kids tonight, and couldn't leave for that hour this time, so I sent a reply saying to let me know if he finishes early and can drop by. "No worries" he replied.
Either way, Im happy.
Stupid freakin' emotions. Stupid ridiculous smile that is now plastered on my face!
Just before 4pm he sent me a text saying he has practice tonight (for his band). I have 3 of my kids tonight, and couldn't leave for that hour this time, so I sent a reply saying to let me know if he finishes early and can drop by. "No worries" he replied.
Either way, Im happy.
Stupid freakin' emotions. Stupid ridiculous smile that is now plastered on my face!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Now I just need to learn how to switch off my mind before going to sleep... I can handle the "thinking thinking imagining thinking" all day, but every night I cant switch off, and often wake at odd times of the morning and start all over again, as though I haven't been asleep.
Its only 9 odd hours since B's reply, but I'm kinda leaning towards just taking what I can get without pressuring - no strings - until I meet someone else...
Being female, will probably change my mind tomorrow. :-)
Its only 9 odd hours since B's reply, but I'm kinda leaning towards just taking what I can get without pressuring - no strings - until I meet someone else...
Being female, will probably change my mind tomorrow. :-)
My girlfriend L always comments on how controlled I am. By this she means, I always seem to be calm and composed, and refrain from texting B, or inundating him with messages or calls. To be honest, I am surprised myself, but here's where my control comes from...
Age. Maturity. The particular things that have happened to me and my kids in the past 18 months and the strength gained from that. Knowing that a lot guys don't like clingy or needy women. Knowing there is no point "chasing", when its a relationship that cant go anywhere anyway. Not wanting to embarrass myself.
And the list could probably go on.
I also control my emotions very well, especially in front of others. I put on a facade of sorts, which I believe helps get me through things. After receiving B's reply today, I was hurt, then surprised, angry, and then I thought fuck it, and went out for some retail therapy (but only bought groceries and a couple of little things for 2 of my kids). Oh, and enjoyed a coffee.
And, as is my usual way of coping, I say to myself that every thing will work out, because it always does in the end. It may not be the ending I think I want, but it will work out.
Age. Maturity. The particular things that have happened to me and my kids in the past 18 months and the strength gained from that. Knowing that a lot guys don't like clingy or needy women. Knowing there is no point "chasing", when its a relationship that cant go anywhere anyway. Not wanting to embarrass myself.
And the list could probably go on.
I also control my emotions very well, especially in front of others. I put on a facade of sorts, which I believe helps get me through things. After receiving B's reply today, I was hurt, then surprised, angry, and then I thought fuck it, and went out for some retail therapy (but only bought groceries and a couple of little things for 2 of my kids). Oh, and enjoyed a coffee.
And, as is my usual way of coping, I say to myself that every thing will work out, because it always does in the end. It may not be the ending I think I want, but it will work out.
I went to sleep last night, literally thinking that I would sleep on the question of whether to send the email suggesting we meet up for even 15 minutes here and there, at least something more often than an hour or so a week.
I decided this morning, around 6am, that I would send it. Mostly because I wont know if I don't ask, and if there's one thing Ive learned, its to never assume anything. I thought also that I would see how much more happened in the next 2 weeks or so, before I decide to end it...
I just received a reply from B, saying he agrees, and sorry he cant offer as much as he would like to.
I'm a bit annoyed, but do I have a right to be?
I texted him a reply saying I was "sorry too; wasn't meant to make things more difficult".
I have a bad feeling Ive stuffed things up prematurely and am wondering when and if Ill hear from him again, because thats it for me now. I'm backing off, and backing away, to make the 29th easier... gulp!
I decided this morning, around 6am, that I would send it. Mostly because I wont know if I don't ask, and if there's one thing Ive learned, its to never assume anything. I thought also that I would see how much more happened in the next 2 weeks or so, before I decide to end it...
I just received a reply from B, saying he agrees, and sorry he cant offer as much as he would like to.
I'm a bit annoyed, but do I have a right to be?
I texted him a reply saying I was "sorry too; wasn't meant to make things more difficult".
I have a bad feeling Ive stuffed things up prematurely and am wondering when and if Ill hear from him again, because thats it for me now. I'm backing off, and backing away, to make the 29th easier... gulp!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Having a very emotional day today... cried myself to sleep last night, and I don't remember the last time Ive done that, especially over a guy. Cried on my way to work. Cried on my way home. I can't believe how much my heart aches. But am I crying because of B himself, or am I crying over the fact that there is no other man in the wings either?
My girlfriend L sent me a message saying to keep in mind alcohol is a depressant and that I feel worse today because of my binge on Saturday night. Could be right. So, what does that mean then? Don't make any sudden decisions today?
After taking my kids to school, I drove past B's house to check, but as I thought, his work van was still parked there; he has a flexi every second Monday. I have an email ready to send him tomorrow morning reminding him that I can be flexible with meeting up with him. I want to see him as much as possible for the next 2 weeks, so we can talk properly, and then we'll see what the 29th brings.
I'm confused because I don't want someone living here with me (and my kids) full time, but I would love to know when we will catch up. Its hard to explain; I know B and I will catch up within the week and probably on the Saturday, but I need more than that. I know that nothing more will ever come of our relationship, but I dont want to be just a fuck buddy.
My girlfriend L sent me a message saying to keep in mind alcohol is a depressant and that I feel worse today because of my binge on Saturday night. Could be right. So, what does that mean then? Don't make any sudden decisions today?
After taking my kids to school, I drove past B's house to check, but as I thought, his work van was still parked there; he has a flexi every second Monday. I have an email ready to send him tomorrow morning reminding him that I can be flexible with meeting up with him. I want to see him as much as possible for the next 2 weeks, so we can talk properly, and then we'll see what the 29th brings.
I'm confused because I don't want someone living here with me (and my kids) full time, but I would love to know when we will catch up. Its hard to explain; I know B and I will catch up within the week and probably on the Saturday, but I need more than that. I know that nothing more will ever come of our relationship, but I dont want to be just a fuck buddy.
Monday, May 17, 2010
As I was in the taxi on my way to my friends 40th birthday pajama party only ten minutes away, I texted B asking didn't he like the pic I sent last night? Since I knew he was at his regular Saturday night gig, it was a "safe" time to text, and was about 1/2 before he replied that it didn't come through and to try again. I resent it, and then asked if he was picking me up, and gave him the address.
B arrived to the party at 12.30, and drove like the wind back to my place. Haven't been in the car with him driving before, but knew he'd drive mean. ;-)
I didn't go wild on him in the car. I was too bouncy and happy - from the red wine Id been drinking, possibly a cookie Id eaten that apparently contained pot, and just being so excited to see him again anyway.
Once home, I bounced inside and put some music on, and B had a cig outside, while I had a bit of a sing. Sneaky bugger crept back inside spying on me rocking out!
The second pic I'd sent him didn't go through either; B got an error message on his phone, so I showed him all the pics Id taken. He seemed to like them, and said it was just as well he didn't see the pic last night or there would've been trouble. Meaning... He would've come over??
Sex is great with B. For me, I think kissing has a lot to do with it. We both love kissing. I told him he could ''feel'' how much I missed him (because of how wet I was). He is not one to cum quickly though. No 5 minute man here. After a while, I said "Are you thinking?" and he replied "yes, always thinking, thinking too much". I was referring to his possible feelings of guilt etc, and I'm sure he knew that. "Well, stop thinking!" I told him. A few minutes later as I was riding him I said "well, this works for me, anyway", and he replied "it feels great for me too".
A short time later, he softly said "God I missed you!" and I continued to ride him.
I hadn't told him Id started on the pill, so once he withdrew from me and asked if I was going to get him something to put on (condom) because he wasn't going to last another 5 minutes this way. I said that it was okay, and to keep going. I was still a bit buzzy, so I couldn't spit out clearly that I was protected and on the pill but I eventually got it out.
He finally let the dam break, while I was riding, but with my back to him. He pulled me down to lay on him and withdrew as he came, making very sexy noises with a "shit!" thrown in every now and then, and then he quickly wanted to be back inside me while he pumped everything in him, out. I rubbed his cum over his balls and myself, and it felt so nice. And there was so much! "Been saving up?" I asked him cheekily. "Yeah, saving up" he chuckled.
I cleaned myself up, while he had a shower. He asked if I was having one too, and again made reference to me not wanting to get my hair wet. I said that I didn't care about getting my hair wet; I could always do it tomorrow, but I let him to shower in peace.
So I dressed, and sat in bed, and he was out a few minutes later, and I watched him dress. Including his watch and wedding ring. And I just kept looking straight in to his gorgeous sexy eyes.
He sat on the bed and leaned over and kissed me. It is so heavenly being kissed by him. He said "You really are a good fuck, you know." so I tried to make light of it, and said ""yeah yeah. I cant take that personally, because that what all guys think. Anything that moves is good". "No," he said, "you really are. Do you think Id keep coming back if you weren't?" That actually made me feel a tad cheap...
He left a few minutes later; his "curfew" is 2am on a Saturday night.
And as usual, there were no words of commitment, no promises of when we'd speak or see each other again. In an odd way for me this is okay, because I know we will soon. I'm hoping that is one thing I can take with me in to the next committed relationship I have; that feeling of security and confidence knowing that we will see each other again, and not being co clinging and insecure, sending messages or calling asking when we're going to meet up again, when its only 8 hours since we last were together. Know what I mean? Truthfully, with B right now, I really do want to text him and organise our next meet up just so I "know", but what I do know is that even though I'm not sure when, it will happen.
B arrived to the party at 12.30, and drove like the wind back to my place. Haven't been in the car with him driving before, but knew he'd drive mean. ;-)
I didn't go wild on him in the car. I was too bouncy and happy - from the red wine Id been drinking, possibly a cookie Id eaten that apparently contained pot, and just being so excited to see him again anyway.
Once home, I bounced inside and put some music on, and B had a cig outside, while I had a bit of a sing. Sneaky bugger crept back inside spying on me rocking out!
The second pic I'd sent him didn't go through either; B got an error message on his phone, so I showed him all the pics Id taken. He seemed to like them, and said it was just as well he didn't see the pic last night or there would've been trouble. Meaning... He would've come over??
Sex is great with B. For me, I think kissing has a lot to do with it. We both love kissing. I told him he could ''feel'' how much I missed him (because of how wet I was). He is not one to cum quickly though. No 5 minute man here. After a while, I said "Are you thinking?" and he replied "yes, always thinking, thinking too much". I was referring to his possible feelings of guilt etc, and I'm sure he knew that. "Well, stop thinking!" I told him. A few minutes later as I was riding him I said "well, this works for me, anyway", and he replied "it feels great for me too".
A short time later, he softly said "God I missed you!" and I continued to ride him.
I hadn't told him Id started on the pill, so once he withdrew from me and asked if I was going to get him something to put on (condom) because he wasn't going to last another 5 minutes this way. I said that it was okay, and to keep going. I was still a bit buzzy, so I couldn't spit out clearly that I was protected and on the pill but I eventually got it out.
He finally let the dam break, while I was riding, but with my back to him. He pulled me down to lay on him and withdrew as he came, making very sexy noises with a "shit!" thrown in every now and then, and then he quickly wanted to be back inside me while he pumped everything in him, out. I rubbed his cum over his balls and myself, and it felt so nice. And there was so much! "Been saving up?" I asked him cheekily. "Yeah, saving up" he chuckled.
I cleaned myself up, while he had a shower. He asked if I was having one too, and again made reference to me not wanting to get my hair wet. I said that I didn't care about getting my hair wet; I could always do it tomorrow, but I let him to shower in peace.
So I dressed, and sat in bed, and he was out a few minutes later, and I watched him dress. Including his watch and wedding ring. And I just kept looking straight in to his gorgeous sexy eyes.
He sat on the bed and leaned over and kissed me. It is so heavenly being kissed by him. He said "You really are a good fuck, you know." so I tried to make light of it, and said ""yeah yeah. I cant take that personally, because that what all guys think. Anything that moves is good". "No," he said, "you really are. Do you think Id keep coming back if you weren't?" That actually made me feel a tad cheap...
He left a few minutes later; his "curfew" is 2am on a Saturday night.
And as usual, there were no words of commitment, no promises of when we'd speak or see each other again. In an odd way for me this is okay, because I know we will soon. I'm hoping that is one thing I can take with me in to the next committed relationship I have; that feeling of security and confidence knowing that we will see each other again, and not being co clinging and insecure, sending messages or calling asking when we're going to meet up again, when its only 8 hours since we last were together. Know what I mean? Truthfully, with B right now, I really do want to text him and organise our next meet up just so I "know", but what I do know is that even though I'm not sure when, it will happen.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
I came to a decision tonight. I don't know how I'm gonna go sticking to the plan, but Ive been crying since making it, and I know that somewhere within me, it has to happen.
For the next 2 weeks, I expect I will see B after his regular Saturday gig. Im gonna put myself out there for him, and let him see everything I can during whatever time we have. If I want to say something, I wont hold back. If I want to touch him or have him touch me, theres no reservations. I will show him all the sides of me I can...
Then there is a break in his gigs for 3 weeks.
I will have the next 2 Saturday nights with him (fairly certain), and after the 2nd night, the 29th May, I will tell him that I cant do it anymore.
I deserve better. His wife deserves better. I knew all that before starting this, and I also knew how hard this would be.
I have had to do things that have required enormous emotional and psychological strength in the past; surely I have the strength within for this.
Ive decided to write a letter as well, which will hopefully explain things. He may not give a shit about my reasons, but deep down in me I do hope he will feel some sadness.
Hopefully Ive been a bit more than a fuck buddy.
For the next 2 weeks, I expect I will see B after his regular Saturday gig. Im gonna put myself out there for him, and let him see everything I can during whatever time we have. If I want to say something, I wont hold back. If I want to touch him or have him touch me, theres no reservations. I will show him all the sides of me I can...
Then there is a break in his gigs for 3 weeks.
I will have the next 2 Saturday nights with him (fairly certain), and after the 2nd night, the 29th May, I will tell him that I cant do it anymore.
I deserve better. His wife deserves better. I knew all that before starting this, and I also knew how hard this would be.
I have had to do things that have required enormous emotional and psychological strength in the past; surely I have the strength within for this.
Ive decided to write a letter as well, which will hopefully explain things. He may not give a shit about my reasons, but deep down in me I do hope he will feel some sadness.
Hopefully Ive been a bit more than a fuck buddy.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
When we met up for those few minutes on Thursday, I asked B if he could receive pictures on his phone, and he said yes, and asked why. I told him that while he was away, I wanted to send him some. (My gf L had been taking some of herself, and sent them to me to see what I thought, and I thought it may be a good thing for me to try. One day). He told me to send some (now then) but I couldn't because there were none to send.
And that was about all I said about the photos...
Yesterday, Friday, around 2pm, I got a text from B saying he was still waiting waiting waiting for photos. lol. He must of been thinking about it all day. :-) I was at home, so I had a play around with the camera on my phone first, but wasn't having much luck. Girls are much more picky I think - my tummy isn't flat enough, or my boobs look squashed etc. Anyway, it was nearing the time I had to pick up my kids from school, so a little later on I replied to him saying that Id tried taking pics one of the nights when he was overseas, and just then, but there were none worth sending even though I was having fun trying. He replied back saying "Rubbish. Any would be great." I replied that I would keep playing, and that meanwhile, he'd better look out because as soon as I had him to myself on Saturday night, he'd be in trouble. He replied he couldn't wait, and I thought that was that for the day.
Half an hour later, he texted me saying I could always email some (photos, to his work email). "Control yourself babe", I replied. "On second thought, don't...". Poor baby replied "I'm on now send", but I replied I was out, I didn't have any to send yet, and that for now he'd have to use his imagination like I do about him 24/7.
Later in the afternoon, when all the kids were gone for the weekend, I put on a nice cobalt blue lingerie set (blue is his fav), did my hair and a little bit of makeup, and worked out how to use the timer setting on my Canon G11. I actually had a bit of fun! I'm quite a reserved person, and have never done anything like this before. But I wanted "cleaner" pics, not totally trashy or over sleazy shots. Finally, I got 3 I were my favourites. I sent them to L to ask her opinion, and we decided on the best pic.
Just before 10pm, I sent one to him, saying "dessert is right here babe".
But, here we are into Saturday and I haven't heard a reply. :(
He really is in trouble tonight when he picks me up! ;-)
And that was about all I said about the photos...
Yesterday, Friday, around 2pm, I got a text from B saying he was still waiting waiting waiting for photos. lol. He must of been thinking about it all day. :-) I was at home, so I had a play around with the camera on my phone first, but wasn't having much luck. Girls are much more picky I think - my tummy isn't flat enough, or my boobs look squashed etc. Anyway, it was nearing the time I had to pick up my kids from school, so a little later on I replied to him saying that Id tried taking pics one of the nights when he was overseas, and just then, but there were none worth sending even though I was having fun trying. He replied back saying "Rubbish. Any would be great." I replied that I would keep playing, and that meanwhile, he'd better look out because as soon as I had him to myself on Saturday night, he'd be in trouble. He replied he couldn't wait, and I thought that was that for the day.
Half an hour later, he texted me saying I could always email some (photos, to his work email). "Control yourself babe", I replied. "On second thought, don't...". Poor baby replied "I'm on now send", but I replied I was out, I didn't have any to send yet, and that for now he'd have to use his imagination like I do about him 24/7.
Later in the afternoon, when all the kids were gone for the weekend, I put on a nice cobalt blue lingerie set (blue is his fav), did my hair and a little bit of makeup, and worked out how to use the timer setting on my Canon G11. I actually had a bit of fun! I'm quite a reserved person, and have never done anything like this before. But I wanted "cleaner" pics, not totally trashy or over sleazy shots. Finally, I got 3 I were my favourites. I sent them to L to ask her opinion, and we decided on the best pic.
Just before 10pm, I sent one to him, saying "dessert is right here babe".
But, here we are into Saturday and I haven't heard a reply. :(
He really is in trouble tonight when he picks me up! ;-)
I love wearing perfume. And a guy wearing a nice aftershave is a turn on for me.
B doesn't wear any. He has some, but just doesnt wear it.
One of the first times he came over, he'd recognised my fragrance, and said "he knew it well". It is quite a "common" one. Another time he was over, he told me he knew it because his wife wore the same one! Well, needless to say, I haven't worn that scent since! We talked about the fact that my smell may rub off on to him, and he said that yeh, it could be a problem, and jokingly said he may have to carry a spare shirt around in his car.
Recently I bought a totally new fragrance, Orange, by Hugo Boss. I cant smell it on me though, so before I met up with B yesterday, I sprayed it on. When I greeted him at his car, it was the first thing he noticed and said. He noticed it was fruity, and something about how strong it was. Not sure if he really didn't like the smell, or that I just wore too much. :( Both? I told him I was not wearing the other perfume again, for as long as we're together. He asked why not, but I just couldn't explain that I didn't want that to be another reminder of his wife...
B doesn't wear any. He has some, but just doesnt wear it.
One of the first times he came over, he'd recognised my fragrance, and said "he knew it well". It is quite a "common" one. Another time he was over, he told me he knew it because his wife wore the same one! Well, needless to say, I haven't worn that scent since! We talked about the fact that my smell may rub off on to him, and he said that yeh, it could be a problem, and jokingly said he may have to carry a spare shirt around in his car.
Recently I bought a totally new fragrance, Orange, by Hugo Boss. I cant smell it on me though, so before I met up with B yesterday, I sprayed it on. When I greeted him at his car, it was the first thing he noticed and said. He noticed it was fruity, and something about how strong it was. Not sure if he really didn't like the smell, or that I just wore too much. :( Both? I told him I was not wearing the other perfume again, for as long as we're together. He asked why not, but I just couldn't explain that I didn't want that to be another reminder of his wife...
I'm wondering if I will see B tonight... he told me yesterday where they're going for dinner (a mates birthday) and then to a club (the one we actually went to together the first night we met up). He told me he doesn't actually like this club very much and is not looking forward to it. He only enjoyed it because he was with me that night. I said I hadn't been there for years before that night, and I enjoyed it, but probably also because I was with him. He also told me yesterday he's still getting over his trip; still very tired. Probably didn't help that he came home from an awards night in the small hours of Wednesday morning and had to take the day off work. ;-)
Anyway, the point is, may be he'll feign wanting an early-ish night, and instead he'll drop in to see me, since he knows I'm not going anywhere. Then again, I'm 10 minutes past his house by car. Or perhaps, yes, he will have an early night, but go home so he can catch up on sleep ready for Saturday night.
The other thing I'm wondering, is if I did go out and meet up with B, whether its tomorrow night (which it wont be) or any other night, what makes it "okay" to be seen with me at a club or something, but not in the street in daylight? Is it because its a different group of mates that would see me? Is it acceptable behavior to ''get on to" someone when you're out at a club? Is it more likely his wife's friends could also be driving around during the day, and see him and I?
All of the above I s'pose...
Anyway, the point is, may be he'll feign wanting an early-ish night, and instead he'll drop in to see me, since he knows I'm not going anywhere. Then again, I'm 10 minutes past his house by car. Or perhaps, yes, he will have an early night, but go home so he can catch up on sleep ready for Saturday night.
The other thing I'm wondering, is if I did go out and meet up with B, whether its tomorrow night (which it wont be) or any other night, what makes it "okay" to be seen with me at a club or something, but not in the street in daylight? Is it because its a different group of mates that would see me? Is it acceptable behavior to ''get on to" someone when you're out at a club? Is it more likely his wife's friends could also be driving around during the day, and see him and I?
All of the above I s'pose...
Friday, May 14, 2010
I sent B a text this morning letting him know I would be around the area where he works at a particular time this afternoon. He replied he'd see how the day panned out. An hour before the time Id suggested, he messaged me saying "hey sweety" (which was kinda nice, since he hasn't used any term other than "sexy" occasionally"), he couldn't meet up after all but was dying to see me. We texted back and forth a little, and he was asking if he'd be able to "bump" into me tomorrow night at a club. Earlier in the week however, after speaking with B - and because he told me where he was going - Id changed my plans to care for my son for the night instead, so I told him I couldn't make it.
Later I went to Maccas for late lunch and coffee. I did hope to see B, because I was still in the area, but it was not until I got in the car, that I was surprised to see him drive past. I was on the phone to my girlfriend R, and obviously couldn't tell her what Id been up to, but I finished the call, and then texted B saying "guess who I just saw drive past me at Maccas" etc. He quickly replied "me". A few minutes later he texted asking where I was, and that he had time to meet. By then though, I was the opposite direction to where Id seen him, and half way to the kids school for pick up. I turned off the main road into a side street, parked, and told him where I was. He then called to check if I had time (to meet) because he knew I had to get the kids from school, and it was close to time. I told him he had 10 minutes, and then I organised for my kids care for the time until I got there.
He kissed me hello. It was good to see him. He told me we were in a "dangerous" street. Very risky. Apparently the gym he only just stopped going to a few weeks ago is around the corner, and we were on the very street his mates would drive on to get there. He said he wanted to kiss me "and stuff" but couldn't there. Learned a bit about him actually in our little get together. I also learned I still cant spit out a straight sentence without stumbling or falling over my words. He has such an effect on me and I don't know why. In his work gear, cap, unshaven, he actually looks so ordinary. Still, a very sexy, appealing ordinary.
B said he will still pick me up Saturday night; its a pajama party, for a 40th birthday that I'm going to. Only a 10 minute drive from my place - or 6 minutes for B. I wont really know anyone, and they're all married or partnered, except for my ex husband, who I am friends with, who is also going. Weird. Much! I bought some "sensible" Playboy pj's and slippers for it. Cute and playful, without being raunchy. Party starts at 6, Ill probably go around 7, and B will probably get there around 12. I'm sure the party itself will be a good one; karaoke, and catching up with the birthday boy and his wife who we used to very good friends with but who I haven't seen for years.
And then, midnight, as soon as I'm in his car, I'm turning in to a wild hungry woman, ready for B, and knowing he's the only man who can satisfy me right now.
Later I went to Maccas for late lunch and coffee. I did hope to see B, because I was still in the area, but it was not until I got in the car, that I was surprised to see him drive past. I was on the phone to my girlfriend R, and obviously couldn't tell her what Id been up to, but I finished the call, and then texted B saying "guess who I just saw drive past me at Maccas" etc. He quickly replied "me". A few minutes later he texted asking where I was, and that he had time to meet. By then though, I was the opposite direction to where Id seen him, and half way to the kids school for pick up. I turned off the main road into a side street, parked, and told him where I was. He then called to check if I had time (to meet) because he knew I had to get the kids from school, and it was close to time. I told him he had 10 minutes, and then I organised for my kids care for the time until I got there.
He kissed me hello. It was good to see him. He told me we were in a "dangerous" street. Very risky. Apparently the gym he only just stopped going to a few weeks ago is around the corner, and we were on the very street his mates would drive on to get there. He said he wanted to kiss me "and stuff" but couldn't there. Learned a bit about him actually in our little get together. I also learned I still cant spit out a straight sentence without stumbling or falling over my words. He has such an effect on me and I don't know why. In his work gear, cap, unshaven, he actually looks so ordinary. Still, a very sexy, appealing ordinary.
B said he will still pick me up Saturday night; its a pajama party, for a 40th birthday that I'm going to. Only a 10 minute drive from my place - or 6 minutes for B. I wont really know anyone, and they're all married or partnered, except for my ex husband, who I am friends with, who is also going. Weird. Much! I bought some "sensible" Playboy pj's and slippers for it. Cute and playful, without being raunchy. Party starts at 6, Ill probably go around 7, and B will probably get there around 12. I'm sure the party itself will be a good one; karaoke, and catching up with the birthday boy and his wife who we used to very good friends with but who I haven't seen for years.
And then, midnight, as soon as I'm in his car, I'm turning in to a wild hungry woman, ready for B, and knowing he's the only man who can satisfy me right now.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I slept much better last night! Ah, the simple things! I still have mini conversations in my head, discussing things I want to talk to B about, but just knowing we have a set time we'll be meeting up is so much more soothing than not knowing at all.
I have a best girlfriend who knows everything about me. We've been best friends for more than 25 years. We have shared so much, and been through so much together.
I know though, if I told her this, she would be horrified. And rightly so.
That's why affairs are secret, because they're wrong. But I feel as though I'm betraying her too by not telling her, because Ive shared this with my other girlfriend L, who Ive known perhaps a year. Again, in the discussions within my head, when I envisage telling her, I liken it to the Mills and Boon-type romance novels we both read. For the first time ever, I can relate to that feeling of passion, that feeling of melting from a simple look from the man, my breath catching at his slightest touch. I understand when they talk about the "fire", about letting go, about not being able to concentrate. I'm wondering if she'll be able to understand at all.
This same girlfriend and I, R, are going to see a popular musical in the next few weeks, have lunch etc. Currently I'm feeling that if the topic arises, then I may share it. She was with me the night I met up with B in March, and we talked of him the next morning, but she hasn't asked me about him since, so its unlikely she will bring it up. I also thought that once this affair was over, I could tell her of it, and who knows, by the time of the musical, it may be.
I have a best girlfriend who knows everything about me. We've been best friends for more than 25 years. We have shared so much, and been through so much together.
I know though, if I told her this, she would be horrified. And rightly so.
That's why affairs are secret, because they're wrong. But I feel as though I'm betraying her too by not telling her, because Ive shared this with my other girlfriend L, who Ive known perhaps a year. Again, in the discussions within my head, when I envisage telling her, I liken it to the Mills and Boon-type romance novels we both read. For the first time ever, I can relate to that feeling of passion, that feeling of melting from a simple look from the man, my breath catching at his slightest touch. I understand when they talk about the "fire", about letting go, about not being able to concentrate. I'm wondering if she'll be able to understand at all.
This same girlfriend and I, R, are going to see a popular musical in the next few weeks, have lunch etc. Currently I'm feeling that if the topic arises, then I may share it. She was with me the night I met up with B in March, and we talked of him the next morning, but she hasn't asked me about him since, so its unlikely she will bring it up. I also thought that once this affair was over, I could tell her of it, and who knows, by the time of the musical, it may be.
Monday, May 10, 2010
So B returned Friday at some point... and I was beside myself all weekend, in anticipation of a phone call or text from him. I honestly did not expect to physically see him, but was certain Id received some thing.
I was wrong.
Okay, so Friday, he wouldn't of texted because, depending on what time the plane got in... yadda yadda yadda.
Saturday, well, he'd be catching up on sleep, and perhaps out getting a last minute card or something for Mothers Day (the next day). I started typing a text saying something along the lines of 345 hours so far (meaning since Id seen him last, further to the text Id sent days earlier), but all I got out was "345 g" and oops! it pressed "send" by mistake! So I waited a few minutes, and I figured if he called or replied to that, I would play dumb and that I would "realise" that I'd sent the text to him by mistake, intended for someone else. After a few more minutes, I sent a text along those lines anyway... And I was getting a little annoyed that he hadnt sent me any messages... I mean, seriously, it takes 20 seconds to send a text! Sneak in to the bathroom and send one if you have to! It's not that difficult!
I didn't get a reply of any sort.
I went to a good friends husbands birthday party up in the mountains Saturday night, but stopped by the local pub where I know he hangs out on the way home. Then I had doubts...what if he was in there, but with his wife? How stupid (more stupid!) would I feel wandering around by myself, even though I know exactly where his "hanging out" spot is? So I didn't go in.
And Sunday. Mothers Day. I knew that was a day that could be crossed off for contact from him.
So today, I accepted my girlfriend L's (the only one who knows about B and me) invite and stopped by her house for a coffee. After taking 1 1/2 hours to get to sleep last night, Id made the decision that perhaps, after this length of time apart (2 weeks), I should end our "relationship" now. I also thought that if he hadn't contacted me by Wednesday I'd brush him off. And certainly if I didn't hear from him until Saturday, Id berate him for thinking of me only as a booty call. Is it just a female thing, where we analyse everything? Think out every possible scenario? Look at all angles? It's really doing my head in. I left her house not really any clearer in my mind.
Obsessively, this afternoon, I called his mobile, and when he answered, in my wisdom, I hung up. *rolls eyes*. What am I? 17?
Later I texted L, and asked her what she would do if she were me; text or not? "Yes" she replied, "because otherwise you'll just get more frustrated". I'd already given in and texted him a minute before her reply. I kept it clean, and simple. I said "This one IS for you: 394.5 hours or thereabouts since... :( ".
He called a little while later. As usual, I couldn't speak properly. Good ol'mouth full of pretzels, figuratively speaking. I literally have a list of things I want to mention, or talk to him about, and not only did I forget I even had the list, I didn't talk about one thing from it. Our phone conversations don't actually flow that easily...
I made a bit of a joke over the fact that Id contacted him, and that "I just couldn't wait anymore!", and he laughed, and said it was fine, he didn't mind. He said he had been catching up on sleep over the weekend and couldn't believe how tired he was. Most mornings though they didnt return to their rooms til 4am.
We're both very busy this week, and probably wont get to see each other til after his gig Saturday night. Ive asked if he could pick me up from a party I'm going to not far from my home, and he said yes, so I'm looking forward to that.
And you know what? I'm actually okay with that. If I have that something to look forward to with him, it helps get me through the other stuff for the week. I hate that "not knowing" feeling. Floundering. Wondering.
My head is in a constant struggle though; I really should end things now.
The past 2 weeks have been horrible, but I got through them... Is it because though that I knew each day that passed would bring me closer to when I see him again?
Then I think I should just try and keep things casual, like L suggests, and if he calls, great, and we meet up, better, but if not... oh well. I do try to keep myself "open" to other opportunities, but its not like I have options falling at my feet either. That's highly unlikely for someone in my position. Not because I doubt myself or my abilities, or what I have to offer, but simply because the stuff that I come with is a lot for me to deal with, let alone a prospective partner.
I do know that when that someone comes along, they will be special, because they accept me and my life. I also know, that the difference between who I choose from my children's fathers is that I will be more sexually aware and responsive. B has made me see that I have that fire within me, and that I can let loose. I'm just hoping it wont take me another 38 odd years before I find someone that makes me feel so aware of myself AND him sexually. Like "phwoar! I wanna jump him!" like I have always felt with B.
I was wrong.
Okay, so Friday, he wouldn't of texted because, depending on what time the plane got in... yadda yadda yadda.
Saturday, well, he'd be catching up on sleep, and perhaps out getting a last minute card or something for Mothers Day (the next day). I started typing a text saying something along the lines of 345 hours so far (meaning since Id seen him last, further to the text Id sent days earlier), but all I got out was "345 g" and oops! it pressed "send" by mistake! So I waited a few minutes, and I figured if he called or replied to that, I would play dumb and that I would "realise" that I'd sent the text to him by mistake, intended for someone else. After a few more minutes, I sent a text along those lines anyway... And I was getting a little annoyed that he hadnt sent me any messages... I mean, seriously, it takes 20 seconds to send a text! Sneak in to the bathroom and send one if you have to! It's not that difficult!
I didn't get a reply of any sort.
I went to a good friends husbands birthday party up in the mountains Saturday night, but stopped by the local pub where I know he hangs out on the way home. Then I had doubts...what if he was in there, but with his wife? How stupid (more stupid!) would I feel wandering around by myself, even though I know exactly where his "hanging out" spot is? So I didn't go in.
And Sunday. Mothers Day. I knew that was a day that could be crossed off for contact from him.
So today, I accepted my girlfriend L's (the only one who knows about B and me) invite and stopped by her house for a coffee. After taking 1 1/2 hours to get to sleep last night, Id made the decision that perhaps, after this length of time apart (2 weeks), I should end our "relationship" now. I also thought that if he hadn't contacted me by Wednesday I'd brush him off. And certainly if I didn't hear from him until Saturday, Id berate him for thinking of me only as a booty call. Is it just a female thing, where we analyse everything? Think out every possible scenario? Look at all angles? It's really doing my head in. I left her house not really any clearer in my mind.
Obsessively, this afternoon, I called his mobile, and when he answered, in my wisdom, I hung up. *rolls eyes*. What am I? 17?
Later I texted L, and asked her what she would do if she were me; text or not? "Yes" she replied, "because otherwise you'll just get more frustrated". I'd already given in and texted him a minute before her reply. I kept it clean, and simple. I said "This one IS for you: 394.5 hours or thereabouts since... :( ".
He called a little while later. As usual, I couldn't speak properly. Good ol'mouth full of pretzels, figuratively speaking. I literally have a list of things I want to mention, or talk to him about, and not only did I forget I even had the list, I didn't talk about one thing from it. Our phone conversations don't actually flow that easily...
I made a bit of a joke over the fact that Id contacted him, and that "I just couldn't wait anymore!", and he laughed, and said it was fine, he didn't mind. He said he had been catching up on sleep over the weekend and couldn't believe how tired he was. Most mornings though they didnt return to their rooms til 4am.
We're both very busy this week, and probably wont get to see each other til after his gig Saturday night. Ive asked if he could pick me up from a party I'm going to not far from my home, and he said yes, so I'm looking forward to that.
And you know what? I'm actually okay with that. If I have that something to look forward to with him, it helps get me through the other stuff for the week. I hate that "not knowing" feeling. Floundering. Wondering.
My head is in a constant struggle though; I really should end things now.
The past 2 weeks have been horrible, but I got through them... Is it because though that I knew each day that passed would bring me closer to when I see him again?
Then I think I should just try and keep things casual, like L suggests, and if he calls, great, and we meet up, better, but if not... oh well. I do try to keep myself "open" to other opportunities, but its not like I have options falling at my feet either. That's highly unlikely for someone in my position. Not because I doubt myself or my abilities, or what I have to offer, but simply because the stuff that I come with is a lot for me to deal with, let alone a prospective partner.
I do know that when that someone comes along, they will be special, because they accept me and my life. I also know, that the difference between who I choose from my children's fathers is that I will be more sexually aware and responsive. B has made me see that I have that fire within me, and that I can let loose. I'm just hoping it wont take me another 38 odd years before I find someone that makes me feel so aware of myself AND him sexually. Like "phwoar! I wanna jump him!" like I have always felt with B.
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