He's Back!

So B returned Friday at some point... and I was beside myself all weekend, in anticipation of a phone call or text from him. I honestly did not expect to physically see him, but was certain Id received some thing.

I was wrong.

Okay, so Friday, he wouldn't of texted because, depending on what time the plane got in... yadda yadda yadda.

Saturday, well, he'd be catching up on sleep, and perhaps out getting a last minute card or something for Mothers Day (the next day). I started typing a text saying something along the lines of 345 hours so far (meaning since Id seen him last, further to the text Id sent days earlier), but all I got out was "345 g" and oops! it pressed "send" by mistake! So I waited a few minutes, and I figured if he called or replied to that, I would play dumb and that I would "realise" that I'd sent the text to him by mistake, intended for someone else. After a few more minutes, I sent a text along those lines anyway... And I was getting a little annoyed that he hadnt sent me any messages... I mean, seriously, it takes 20 seconds to send a text! Sneak in to the bathroom and send one if you have to! It's not that difficult!

I didn't get a reply of any sort.

I went to a good friends husbands birthday party up in the mountains Saturday night, but stopped by the local pub where I know he hangs out on the way home. Then I had doubts...what if he was in there, but with his wife? How stupid (more stupid!) would I feel wandering around by myself, even though I know exactly where his "hanging out" spot is? So I didn't go in.

And Sunday. Mothers Day. I knew that was a day that could be crossed off for contact from him.

So today, I accepted my girlfriend L's (the only one who knows about B and me) invite and stopped by her house for a coffee. After taking 1 1/2 hours to get to sleep last night, Id made the decision that perhaps, after this length of time apart (2 weeks), I should end our "relationship" now. I also thought that if he hadn't contacted me by Wednesday I'd brush him off. And certainly if I didn't hear from him until Saturday, Id berate him for thinking of me only as a booty call. Is it just a female thing, where we analyse everything? Think out every possible scenario? Look at all angles? It's really doing my head in. I left her house not really any clearer in my mind.

Obsessively, this afternoon, I called his mobile, and when he answered, in my wisdom, I hung up. *rolls eyes*. What am I? 17?

Later I texted L, and asked her what she would do if she were me; text or not? "Yes" she replied, "because otherwise you'll just get more frustrated". I'd already given in and texted him a minute before her reply. I kept it clean, and simple. I said "This one IS for you: 394.5 hours or thereabouts since... :( ".

He called a little while later. As usual, I couldn't speak properly. Good ol'mouth full of pretzels, figuratively speaking. I literally have a list of things I want to mention, or talk to him about, and not only did I forget I even had the list, I didn't talk about one thing from it. Our phone conversations don't actually flow that easily...

I made a bit of a joke over the fact that Id contacted him, and that "I just couldn't wait anymore!", and he laughed, and said it was fine, he didn't mind. He said he had been catching up on sleep over the weekend and couldn't believe how tired he was. Most mornings though they didnt return to their rooms til 4am.

We're both very busy this week, and probably wont get to see each other til after his gig Saturday night. Ive asked if he could pick me up from a party I'm going to not far from my home, and he said yes, so I'm looking forward to that.

And you know what? I'm actually okay with that. If I have that something to look forward to with him, it helps get me through the other stuff for the week. I hate that "not knowing" feeling. Floundering. Wondering.

My head is in a constant struggle though; I really should end things now.

The past 2 weeks have been horrible, but I got through them... Is it because though that I knew each day that passed would bring me closer to when I see him again?

Then I think I should just try and keep things casual, like L suggests, and if he calls, great, and we meet up, better, but if not... oh well. I do try to keep myself "open" to other opportunities, but its not like I have options falling at my feet either. That's highly unlikely for someone in my position. Not because I doubt myself or my abilities, or what I have to offer, but simply because the stuff that I come with is a lot for me to deal with, let alone a prospective partner.

I do know that when that someone comes along, they will be special, because they accept me and my life. I also know, that the difference between who I choose from my children's fathers is that I will be more sexually aware and responsive. B has made me see that I have that fire within me, and that I can let loose. I'm just hoping it wont take me another 38 odd years before I find someone that makes me feel so aware of myself AND him sexually. Like "phwoar! I wanna jump him!" like I have always felt with B.