Message...

I've had many conversations with myself, and a couple of close girlfriends, and during that time, Ive come to the conclusion that I'm confused. "No shit?" I hear you say. :)

My reluctance to really make an effort to meet other men, or even to pursue things with that old friend of mine that Ive written about recently, and even avoiding going out too far on a Saturday night, I know, in my heart, comes down to the simple fact that I only want one man - B. I know that I cant possibly give my heart to someone else when Ive already given it to him.

And, I know that there can never be a future for us together. I know I need to move on.

So I'm doing the online dating thing, Ive let my friends on occasion give my number to a 'suitable male friend', I go out and try to meet people. But my heart just isn't in it.

I figure I also need to allow time to 'get over' him.

And around and around it goes.

My 'friend' who I talked about briefly here (who thought we could hang out and watch a dvd), has messaged me a few times this week. Even today, he wanted to know if I was free to go out tonight. Friday nights, I don't go out much. I usually have a couple of kids with me. If I do go out, I need to arrange to have them looked after. If I really wanted to pursue this guy, I would've arranged something, and no matter that my two older kids had party to go to that I need to pick them up from... immediately I knew, that if it were B asking me to meet him, I would move Heaven and Earth to do it... So I told my friend I couldn't goo out because I had the kids. And that was that.

And now, its 10.30pm. My older kids are at that party. The younger kids and I have had a nice DVD night, and they're asleep. I jumped on to the social networking site and notice my friend was online too, so I made myself look "offline"... I checked out the online dating site I'm with, and had just started chatting with a young guy I 'chat to' occasionally, but only because I thought it would kill some time.

And then I got a message from B...

"This might sound really sad, but Ive never stopped thinking about you. I'm at XXXX if you're not busy."

I started crying immediately, from the hopelessness of it all and the joy in my heart I felt all at once.

"I ALWAYS think of you" I replied, then said I probably couldn't meet him til midnight (Id have to wait for my kids to home from the party, and its a different place to where he normally goes. Funnily enough, I was just there last Friday night). I also said I realised it was probably too late for me to come tonight...

Ive jumped on here and written this straight away; he hasn't replied as yet, but that's okay. I now I know I will see him again at some point, and my heart is singing.

And things will be different. Conversely, they'll probably be even more difficult, emotionally, but I wont be letting go now.

The end

It's more than 2 months, and I still haven't written about "the breakup". A good friend suggested last night that I finish writing about it, and that may act as a kind of closure, and may be what I need to move forward.

So, I'll give it a whirl...

So, Sunday the 11th June, Id taken a risk by sending him a text hinting at ending things. Id done that because we'd driven past each other that morning, and there was no acknowledgement from him. And the night before, he'd simply said he couldn't come by.

On Wednesday 13 July at 2.44pm, B messaged me to say he was dropping his mate off (the one who lives next to my good friend), if I "wanted to meet up".

I took my two littlies in to my friends house, and of course I told her what was happening. I couldn't talk straight, or focus on anything. And I was shaking. Just after 4pm, around the time I knew he would get there, I went back out to my car with the ruse that I was getting something. I turned and looked at his van, but couldn't actually see through his windows. I busied myself for another minute, and went back inside my friends house. I told her I was giving him a few minutes and then I'd go back over.

A few minutes later, I knocked on his friends gate, which leads in to a kind of court yard. B opened the gate and said "Hey. How are you?" and then "Are you okay? What's up?" My face was as straight and I couldn't look at him properly. I could see he was holding a fresh coffee, so I said "Yeh yeh. I'm fine. Look, Ill come back in 10 minutes when you've had your coffee".

Again, I went back in to my girlfriends house and updated her. Again, I couldn't focus. I babbled and could not concentrate. She, or my kids would talk, and I'd look at them confused.

I went back, knocked on the gate 'cause I could hear them talking, and went in. B, his mate and I made small talk for a few minutes. It was then I learned B had been away for work up in the mountains for a few days and got back late Saturday afternoon (and then he worked that night at his gig, as usual). We talked briefly about the course I was about to commence studying, and how it relates to a profession that one of the girls he works with is in. And she tries to ''analyse'' him, and he avoids it. I felt uncomfortable because I knew that soon I would be ending our relationship, and I knew he knew it too, but also felt weird because his mate had been aware of our relationship earlier, but it was back in March when B had told me he'd told this friend that we were no longer seeing each other, and yet, here I was again. And yet, what I wanted to do most, was to run my hands over him, and hold him.

It looked like B was in no hurry for us to have a private chat. The weather was freezing, and I was standing there shaking with cold; even he had a beanie on. So I suggested we go have a chat in his work van.

TBC.

Crying

Today has been a bit weird.

There's a guy Ive been in contact with, who Ive known for years, who messaged me this morning. Long story short, he wanted to catch up today, and maybe watch a DVD since it was perfect weather to stay in. I very briefly went out with this guy when I was about 20 years of age, and he was so sweet, he even wrote and played me a song. So, we've kept in contact, more so in last couple of years since I've been really single, but he has been on / off with his girlfriend for all of that time. I didn't - and still don't - know how I felt about him, but earlier on this year I thought I may like to explore things further. However because he was indecisive about remaining in his toxic relationship, I never initiated anything more intimate. This guy is not bad looking, makes me laugh whole heartedly, and provides stimulating conversation; we talk about everything. But recently Id backed off, or rather kept my distance because I didn't want to continue being his go-to girl or continue to hear about her and how things were or weren't working out. Anyway, I didn't go over, even after I asked him what was happening in his relationship and he told me it was over. Basically I feel that I could potentially hurt him again, and (or maybe it's an "or"), I realise that if we were to start a real relationship, that there would be no one else. The only thing missing is that he doesn't fire me up like B does. I don't even know if I want to kiss him. Although it could be something I'm purposely suppressing... I returned his call later and we had a good chat, although not about the ''ex". I guess the other thing I'm concerned about is he could change his mind, like he has done in the past, and decide to go back... Only a few months ago "he was never going back to her". :(

On Friday night when I was out, I gave my number to a guy who was very attentive to me. He was complimentary, albeit a tad sleazy. He remembered my girlfriend so I assumed she knew him, and I trust her judgement completely, so I thought it would be okay to give my number. But, I think we need to trust our intuition... my girlfriend later told me she met him only once, when they were out shopping, and he tried to "pick her up". Hes texted me a few times now, but I haven't replied. And wont.

And then, this evening I got a message from the muso guy who I had sex with twice last year. I'm no longer friends with him on the social networking site (I deleted him a few weeks back) because I got tired of the whole 1800 plus friends thing and no real personal posts, and the only comments seemed to be from adoring female fans. I figured I could remain a "fan" on his fan page and still be kept up to date, without all the other crap. He basically asked "whats new?" and I was a bit catty in my reply and asked who it was texting me... and then said things were "all good." He replied "Haha. Was just thinking of ya and wanted to say hi". And I'm thinking "why even the fuck bother?" I haven't seen this guy since December. He probably hasn't even noticed I deleted him off my 'friends". And whats new?? What, in the 2 months since you last texted, or since December? How am I supposed to sum up things in a text? if he was really interested he could call, or arrange to meet up (which we did try a few months back but of course he didn't see it through). I know how busy he is travelling, and gigs and all the other stuff that comes with life and being a rock star, but I don't understand why he's still in contact with me. Maybe he does that to appease his ego, for all the women he's had sex with.

Sigh.

So, that's all made me sad today. And of course then I started reading over some of these blog posts, and read about the last time I had sex with B (which was the last time I had sex anyway), which was 3 months ago now.

And I shed some tears for that which is lost and will never be.

3am

Of course, as I thought, I didn't hear from B.

I had an early night for a change; went to bed around 10.30 and got up around 8am. But it didn't stop me waking at 3am with my first thought being "did he message me and I've missed?"

It's rainy today, and a perfect day for snuggling up. The only movies I have on hand to watch are the romantic-type. Blah.

I've been studying the last few months, so think Ill do some work for that.

Alone.

Saturday Night

It's 8.30pm. On a Saturday night. I'm kid-free. And of course I'm trying not to think about B, or wonder if I will hear from him tonight.

I've changed the sound that plays when I receive a text from him back to what it was before I ended things a couple of months ago... One reason for that is because the sound plays longer than others, and if I'm asleep when he messages - okay IF he messages - I have a better chance of hearing it.

Realistically I dont think I will. Of course I'm hoping I will, yet am 'talking to myself', preparing myself for the fact that he wont contact me tonight. Then I'll be left wondering if it's because he no intentions, EVER, of contacting me EVER, or if it's something such as what used to be a factor before, such as him carpooling (he could only stop by if he was designated driver for the night).

And so. I shrug.

Nothing. Yet.

I haven't heard from B. But that's okay. I knew I wouldn't. Even though Id asked him to not reply to the message Id sent yesterday, he could of, if he really thought it was the best thing to do...I know I will hear from him at some point. It may take a few weeks, but I will hear from him. And maybe it will just be to ask how I am, and nothing more. But now, he knows I'm here. I'm fine, for today anyway. :)

How Low Can I Go?

Not a day has gone by where I have not thought of B. I can do so without crying - just - but he's always on my mind.

And so, after my message from last week, I have deliberated over what it is I actually want. I kept thinking, "well, he's even agreed 'something' was better than 'nothing'. Maybe we should start 'something' again". And so began the battle in my head. He said he's doing "really well". Who am I to shake that up now? But what if he's okay, but just making it sound better than what it is? He could of just ignored my message altogether.

I ummed. And ahhed. I worked on my message for a couple of days. I knew he didn't work yesterday, so I waited til today. And finally sent him a message.

Basically I just said that I knew I was about to embarrass myself (by sending the message), but wanted him to know I'm still here, even just for a chat or a smoke on my verandah. "Something". I also told him not to worry, and that I wasn't about to start messaging him again etc, and to not even reply to this message. I told him "No questions. No judgement". I said things are good and that I'm happy but that I just miss him.

I do feel a tad embarrassed, or maybe humiliated is the word, even though he hasn't actually done anything to make me feel that way. I just know it was not exactly right of me to send the message, and that Ive probably come across fucking desperate. What kind of person am I to keep going after this man, who is married with children? Why him? Is it the power I have?

Anyway, I don't expect I will hear anything back. I think that's less mortifying than a reply such as "It's really tempting. But I just can't. Sorry."

And I'd psyched myself up for not hearing anything back, before sending the message, so I'll live with it. The main thing is now that he'll surely know how serious I do feel about him.

Ah, my heart.

Message

I messaged B today. After going out with my girlfriend last night to our local pub, and having a catchup drink (and B was not there, but I did check), I knew I would send something.

I said: (name), 'something' was better than this 'nothing'. Hope you're well.

I was prepared for no answer. I was not prepared to actually receive a reply, a short time later!

He said: Hi (name). Yes it was. I'm doing really well, hope you are going great also.

For some odd reason, I was amazingly happy for the rest of the day. Even other people noticed. I guess I just like to think that our time together did mean something.