The weekend

Saturday night, after I returned home from watching my daughters in their high school musical, and from dropping them off to a fellow cast members "after" party I still hadn't heard from B. He's not normally out from the show until after 12 but I still thought that he may have sent a text or two through the night. By 12.15am, after getting ready for bed and reading there for a while, I figured that if he were visiting I would've received a message so I turned out the light... 15 minutes later he texted me saying that as much as he would've loved to see me, he'd only just finished work and was due to start his other job at 6am, and asked if he could see me next Saturday. I replied that I needed to at least kiss him senseless so bad and that after 12 next Saturday is his... I still get tingles and funny feelings in my stomach remembering his kisses and his touch...

Yesterday my daughters and I were sorting out the back room of our house and normally I have my phone glued to me which I did for most of the day. But as is always the way it seems with B, when I absolutely least expect it, I get something from him... 20 minutes after not looking at my phone (a long time for me, believe me!) there was a message from him asking if I was about. Dammit! I replied "yes" but knew it was too late. He replied that he was nearby and was going to call in but would have to leave it til next time now. :( I don't think it would of been possible really for him to come in with my daughters being home. If it were a "normal" relationship, fine. But again, I was happy to know he was thinking of me. Living 4 minutes away from him has advantages I guess. :-)

He has his day off work today and again I thought I may of heard from him, but nope.

As much as I hope we do get to catch up during the week at least I know that Saturday night (or Sunday morning) for a couple of hours he's mine. We have 5 weeks to catch up on and a lot of things to make up for.

Meet up

By Tuesday I thought "stuff it" and sent B a casual text saying "Hey. Hows things?" There was a bit of general texting back and forth and I remained very casual. He asked me what I was up to (today) and I said I was at a certain shopping centre, about to leave. He asked if I wanted to meet up with him as he was working on his own.

I met up with him in the designated spot about 12.45, and he got into my car with his lunch pack. He kissed me hello so I was pleased we were at least back to that. It was a very relaxed hour or so. He ate his lunch, had a smoke or two, and we chatted, generally. He did go out Friday night. And Saturday night. And even had those few quiet drinks on Sunday arvo (for a mate who's wife had just had a baby).

We also spoke briefly about my "toy" party... he asked me if I bought anything, mentioned "the rabbit", and asked me if Id used my toy. As I was telling him that I prefer the real thing, he got a call, so we didn't really get to into that conversation like Id hoped. I'm still not sure if he really is in to "toys" or not though; theres this certain screwing up of the mouth he does...

Toward the end of our time together (he had a doctors appointment to go to), he rubbed my leg and said it was good to see me. Then he asked if I wanted him to come over Saturday night after work. Of course I said yes. He said it depended on if he could leave his gig early enough (and how much there was to catch up on after the 3 week break) and also he has to work Sunday morning (so it wasn't last Sunday like I thought it would've been). I said that was fine. Inside though I was surprised and stoked at the same time that he'd asked me. He's not the kind to say things for no reason so its not like he would've said that to keep me "happy" for a while.

As he made to get out, he asked "so do i get a kiss or what?" and i stalled for time for a few seconds and looked around as if to see who might be watching. I said "of course ill kiss you" and gave a couple of firm but closed mouth kisses. God! I would've liked more. Very controlled.

Thursday I was pee'd off when I got a light period 5 days earlier than I'm meant to, according to "the pill" packet. And now today, Saturday, when I may be seeing B tonight, I have to mention that I have my period so there are no surprises for him, and I don't think he's cool with that so probably wont come 'round.

He is very unpredictable, and I'm not sure I like that with our kind of relationship. When I thought he may of checked to see if I would see him before band practice Wednesday night, he didn't. When I thought I may hear from him while he was at the pub watching a band like last Thursday, I didn't. Thought I may hear from him asking me to come up if he was out last night but I didn't...

I have been sooooo "good" - not texting, or emailing, or calling.

I so just wanna kiss him senseless.

But nothing

Well, thats the weekend over and nothing from B.

Again, thankfully, I have been extremely busy. Still moving things around the house, had a girly get together for sex toys and mini outing last night. It's funny though how in those lull moments, he creeps in to my head.

Thought I may have heard from him if he went out either last night, or Friday night, but nothing. Thought he may have worked this morning (which he does one Sunday a month) and contacted me around lunch time to meet up, but nothing. Wondered if he'd have a few "quiet drinks" out tonight, but nothing.

Well, well, well!

I received a text message from B last night. The longest one from him, ever, along the lines of "Touching base cause I can, hope the move went well and hope you are too, thinking of you, would love to catch up soon.". Hmmm. How to respond? I decided to keep it casual. I said "all good", and "sure, anytime (almost)." Not long after he messaged me saying he was at the local pub having a few quiet beers, and I was welcome to join them (I think he was with his band checking out another band playing there). I replied saying that I would of loved to, but couldn't. He said "All good. Talk soon".

I was surprised to have heard from him. Happy though. Being able to sleep afterward more than a few hours due to being awoken because of an erotic dream about him would of been good too. :-).

Very tired tonight.

5 days

Ive been offline for a few days, with the move and all... back on now though!

B would of gone back to work today, according to what he said last Friday. He is never far from my mind, but I know I'll be able to move on. I should of recognised his kiss as what was no doubt our last, and made more of a thing about it. I also think that he was worried I was going to go "all crazy" on him, and so him saying "lets cool it a bit" was a nice way of saying its all over red rover. But Ive been very strong and have not texted, emailed or phoned him, as I said I wouldn't. I wonder if he is surprised.

Nah, probably relieved.

Nothing

As hard as it's been to not send off a quick text, it hasn't been as hard as I thought... does that make sense? I want to say there's a difference between getting attached, and simply wanting more of a good thing. Honestly though, its a fine line for me.

I think it's easier (to not contact him) because I am in the process of moving house, and was the organiser for a mini school reunion, which took place last night (at the local pub where B frequents actually) and Ive thankfully been busy with those things.

Saturday nights at this place are so much slower and more cruisy than Friday nights, and B had already told me that he had no plans to go out either Friday or Saturday night, because his "drinking buddy" was away for the (long) weekend. I still of course looked out for him, but didn't see him.

I constantly think how I will hear from him, closer to the end of the month, and when his gigs resume and he's had time to think...

And maybe he'll miss me. A little...

Cool It

I called B this morning just after 11am, thinking that if I got in early enough, we could work it so that we could meet on his way home from work this afternoon. He didn't answer, but I knew he'd call back, which he did. Turns out he had today off, to make the long weekend a really long weekend... He said he was out and about til about 1pm, and then he'd be "off air". When he called back, I had someone here to help move a special piece of furniture from my current address to the new one, and I was worried the timing would be all out, so I said Id call him back. Thankfully, I called him back with 43 minutes before his "off air" time (I made a joke of it with him) and when he asked where we could meet, I told him that was his department, so he said he'd call back when he worked out a spot. Coincidentally, he decided on a reserve only 2 minutes from my new place and across from where my daughters attend high school.

I knew from the fact that he didn't meet with me over the last couple of days that he was a bit wary, or hesitant, or worried about what I wanted to say. Perhaps he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant? Or that I was going to flip out? Or get all emotional?

He didn't kiss me hello, and I took that as a sign too...

We chatted a little about general stuff, and then he asked what it was I wanted to see him about that just "couldn't be said over the phone". I started off by telling him that it was stupid of me to promise as I did in the email that I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me. I knew as soon as Id sent that that it was a mistake, and I apologised for breaking my promise. Eventually I talked about the other email, and explained, or tried to, that I didn't blame him for how I was feeling, or how I do feel, because that's just who I am. I feel deeply anyway. And its not because he's promised anything. I told him Id got upset that he'd said he see me in a month, and that I had wanted to say "What about rehearsals? What about texting or a call? What about 10 minutes at the lake?" He said he hadn't meant "nothing" for a month, just no nights, but he thought Id know what he meant. I then said how that was my next mistake; to just let him go without talking about it then and there. Its not like we're in a "normal" relationship where we can just talk about things the next day for example. I said I never expected that he would just duck out for an hour on a Saturday night to come and see me. B asked what Id meant when I said I "just cant do this anymore", and I replied that at the time I couldn't, but Ive had two weeks to sort things out. He said I needed to get and meet someone, and I tried explaining that I do get out, but that I didn't think it likely Id meet a life-long partner at a night club, and that the person Id be with would need to see "me" for who i really am, and all that I come with like my kids and situation. I told him that we were doing this (affair) for different reasons, and that it sounded horrible, but he is for me an "in between" until I find someone. I also acknowledged that girls -me - tend to over think things (just like the "month long" thing) and we speak 25 words to a guys single word, which he had a chuckle in agreement to.

"So, what do you want?" he asked me. "For things to go back to how they were" I replied.

Basically, he is worried "shit will eventually hit the fan". He says (this) is doing his head in, and he's worried I'm getting too attached (he's probably right about that part, but no way would I admit it). He knows how wrong this is, and he's been trying to spend more time at home (to appease his guilt perhaps?), and he's just not "sure". He reckons it's even reached the point where he's considering turning his phone off more... with that he's referring to a call I made accidentally on the Sunday night I went to the musical, and then stopped by the pub on the way home; as I got out of the car I realised I'd accidentally called him, but I thought Id stopped the call before it'd started ringing - obviously not. And the message of "hey" Id sent last Saturday night when Id sent the email "promising" I wouldn't contact him. And finally the 2 calls I made Monday afternoon, around 4.30, and he texted me saying he'd call me the next day. I totally disagree with how much he feels Ive been contacting him; those 3 times I referred to were in the last 2 weeks, and because I wanted to sort things out. I either didn't realise that Id been calling, or Id contacting thinking he'd be alone or at work.

He told me he's not sure he sees the point in it continuing because it (him and me) isn't going to go anywhere anyway.

I told him that if I hadn't of said anything that Saturday night, that we'd still be continuing things, and now the tables were turned, and he's the one wondering about things. So I kept trying to reassure him saying "Its fine. Do what you feel you need to do." He asked "So you'd be okay, and wouldn't go all funny on me if I said "that's it?". I replied that Id be upset, but Id be okay, and asked if he thought Id flip out or something? He said yeah, and I reassured him I wasn't about to call his wife or do anything crazy like that. Then he said he thought we should just cool it for a bit. Which is frustrating really, because any cooler, and we wouldn't have a relationship at all. I told him that would leave it in his hands, and he could call me when he was ready. I again promised that I wouldn't contact him, but this time I knew I meant it.

As we were leaving each other, he said, quite pointedly, "so I'm off work til next Wednesday", and I put my hands up, defensively, and with a little shake of my head said "hey, I'm not contacting you. I said I wouldn't".

I could see he was struggling the whole time, with feeling uncomfortable and unsure of things. He was biting his lip, and I saw a myriad of expressions play across his face. It was almost as though there were a jumble of words just behind his lips, and that if he'd opened his mouth, all his thoughts would've tumbled out. I could also see this confusion, as we said our farewells, and I made to get in my car; he went to come to my side of the car, went back to his side, and then came back to me, and kissed me. Just a firm closed mouth kiss. "I thought we weren't doing any of that?" I asked. "I'm just kissing a friend see ya later" he replied.

I got in the car, and a big fat tear drop slid down my cheek from under my sunnies.

And as much as it does hurt, its time to move on.

Another man

Saturday night I went out with my girlfriend L; she dragged me a long to a friends farewell, because shed had a fight with her hubby. We went to dinner in the city, by the beach, and afterward at a hotel. It was actually a very good night. Dinner was lovely. The people - none of whom I knew - were all lovely and welcoming. The hotel hosted a mixed crowed and mixed music. And there were so many dimensions and dynamics going on with the group of people we were with that I was just amazed.

It also confirmed how messed up the world can really be, and youve just gotta roll with whatever life throws you.

The girl who hosted the dinner, is married to a guy she hasn't had sex with for 4 years. 4 years! She has been having an affair with an ex work colleagues hubby for the last 2. Two of her hubby's friends have also made moves on her. One of those men also made it clear to L that he was interested in me. They are both married also. This girl and L had a major disagreement as well, because L was talking and having a bit of a joke with the girls hubby, and she got jealous! Go figure! All a bit juvenile really... it was a bit like watching a tennis match, as I tend to sit back and observe a lot, and my head kept flicking around to the next person to see what the latest was.

At the hotel, there was dance music and dancing one end, and different kind of music alternating with a band at the other. L and I preferred the band end and hung around there most of the time. I started the night thinking I would stay over with L at her friends house, but after 2 wines and 2 Southo's, and then with all the tension with L's friends, I thought it best to drive home.

I thought about B on and off all night, which it is how it always is for me. L and I met a couple of guys and had some fun chats to some. I was fine, until the band played Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon, and he sang the line, perhaps altered a little, that says "giving head while I'm driving" and then I thought stuff it, I'm texting B. So, I sent 3 little letters: "Hey." But I didn't hear from him.

Meanwhile, back at the table with the group, Id literally caught the eye of this guy walking by. We played the eye game, as he walked away, but I knew Id see him again. L and I went back into the band end of the hotel, and as I was looking at L while she talked to me, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that guy. L was quite drunk, and knew what was going on with the guy and me, and started chatting to him. We got ourselves a drink (my last alco one for the night), and we talked some more, and danced. This guy, a different named "B", was cute. Actually, a bit too pretty looking. Tall and athletic. Cheeky smile. Soft spoken. Lovely hands. And interesting. The problem with interesting is that the more you talk to someone about themselves, inevitably they are gonna wanna know more about you...

L told him I was 36. I don't like lying; I soon corrected her and told him I'm 39. He was 32. what is it with me and 32 year olds? Although, to blow my own trumpet for a moment, the group we were with, and B, could not believe my age; they all thought I was younger. L in her drunken state, told B that he could come home with us. Oh, can he now? Thanks for that. Do I get a say? He made it clear a number of times that he was quite keen to do just that. I ended up saying that - cliche and all - I'm just not that kinda girl. By the end of the night he knew how many kids I had, and it seemed to be important as to whether I "got on" with my exes or not. He (says) hes an underwater medic for the navy or something, and does triathlons in his spare time. He's a local boy to where we were, and he didn't usually hang at this place but had a mate working behind the bar. He was very complimentary without being sickening (which I what I appreciate about the other B too), and kisses softly. Maybe too softly...

Anyway, at the end of the night, L asked him if he was gonna get my number. That's awkward. I said he didn't have to and that Id never know if he wouldve asked me for it himself.

I don't think Ill hear from him.

L had kind of cleared things up with her friend, which was good, and we got back to my place around 4.30am.

Self Worth

I wanted to clarify the kind of person I am. Normally.

I am strong, and independent. I don't wait around for others if I need to get something done, unless I absolutely can not do it with out them. Ive learnt to do so much myself over the last year or two, from changing tyres, and putting furniture together, to mowing lawns and keeping budgets and finances. Emotionally Ive had to depend on myself, for years. I do have great supportive friends, but there are some things noone understands, especially if you cant verbalise what youre feeling.

I have always been one of those people who believes that things always work out in the end. In my last long term relationship, while I could acknowledge my mistakes and things I needed to improve on, I also realised that any attacks on my personality by my (now) ex was actually because of his own insecurities, and I learnt to try not to take them too personally. But I am an emotional person, and things still stung at times, perhaps more from wondering how anyone can be so mean, rather than what was actually said or done. Ultimately however, without being high and mighty, I knew I was better than that.

I know I deserve better.

So Ive pondered the question about whether I am "settling" for something with B, because I think I'm not good enough, or my circumstances make it difficult to be in a relationship and thus am using that as an excuse. And honestly, the answer is no. I know I'm a decent and good person. I know that there is someone out there for me one day. I receive attention now, but have been mentally ticking off my checklist of needs, wants and attributes when I meet people. I need to open up and allow more choice, because I think I'm too closed off.

So again, no I don't think I'm settling, I'm transitioning.

A mistake

Friday night. 8.30pm. And all I can think is that Ive made a mistake. A huge one.

B is my drug of choice. I liken it to pot; not something you have to have everyday, would be good if you did, but not as addictive usually as some drugs. After not having had it for a little bit, you start thinking about how good it would be to have some more, and you keep thinking about it, until you're consumed with need.

I haven't had a reply to my email or any contact from B. Ive said I wouldn't contact him until if and when he contacted me. What the hell did I say that for? I also said in the email that if waiting for him to contact me meant Id have to wait a goddamn month, then so be it, but I hoped I wouldn't have to wait that long. And what the hell did I say that for??

Should I just send a message asking if he got the email, and tell him I miss him? Or would he be more impressed with me standing by what I wrote and not contact him first?

What if he really does the whole month until he contacts me? And worse, what if, now that I left it in his hands and given him the option, I never hear from him again?? Arrrggghhh!

The mistake Ive made, apart from those two things in the email, was that I ended things! It must of been the wine talking that night! Why didn't I just talk about things then and there, and try and sort out a compromise? Or at the worst, I could have arranged to meet him anyway, and talked about it then!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

My girlfriend L said today that she knew Id contact him, and wouldn't be able to just stop seeing him. She also thinks I'm a little in love with him.

I don't think its love, but I do know that Ive returned to thinking about why give him up? Something is better than nothing, right? And when I find that someone I want to get to know, because of my circumstances, it wont be an instantaneous full on relationship anyhow. I can phase B out while I determine if the new guy will be transitioned in.

Or something...

Confusion

Last night, around 10pm, I sent B a message asking if he was at (band) practice. He replied a short time later saying yes, he'd "just finished".

"Can we still be friends right?" I asked. "Sure" he replied. "Well, you know things don't usually work out like that but nice of you to agree" I replied. "You know what will happen don't you if we see each other again?" he asked. So Ive gone on to say how Ive sat in his work van and been out in public with him and looked but not touched because that's the way its had to be, and that I'm sure I could do it again. "Okay," he replied. I told him Id had a few months practice of self control and I could give him some tips. :-)

By this morning though, it occurred to me that he actually has a lot of self control. Or even, we have self control in different areas of this... thing. He is more controlled with limiting contact with me, but once we're alone, he's a goner. That's surely just his dick talking. I on the other hand need other communication and contact so that when we are alone, it doesn't feel so sleazy. And so I text or email rather than wait for him.

I tried putting a little of that in a message to him, but it obviously wasn't clear enough. B replied that he didn't get it at all. "I'm sorry to confuse things. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about if we ever meet again" I replied.

Of course Ive been mulling over this all afternoon. What would I be happy with, given the situation? What if we talked about things, and I explained how I wouldve been okay if he had of just said Ill give you a call in the next week or so, and we'll organise to meet up, and he told me there just no way he couldve done that which is why he didnt say that in the first place? What if I never heard from him again? Should I send a message asking to meet up? Should I do that now or in a month? Should I see how long I can go without contacting him?

Im confused over the fact that in some ways I did feel a bit more than just someone he was having sex with, because otherwise every time we got together we would've ended up in bed (or have had sex anyhow). But in actual fact, we probably met up without having sex more than we actually had sex. He wouldn't invited me to practice, or just to meet him out at the pub if it was just about sex.

So why did he have to go and say "guess Ill see you in a month"??

So anyway, Ive sent an email to his work which hopefully he'll get tomorrow morning. Basically Ive said Id like to meet up to chat because we've both misunderstood some things, but that Id wait for him to contact me and Id leave him alone until he did...

I'm thinking he's thinking I'm scattered, and this is just too much trouble.

I guess we shall soon see what and if there is a response.

A reply

I'd held off crying all day. I was even mentally patting myself on the back for being so strong. I looked at the time and wondered what the time had been when B had sent me the message 2 Wednesdays back saying he had "practice tonight" and of course then I was thinking that no such message would be coming my way today. I picked up my phone, and pressed the sms button before I could change my mind, and scrolled through the messages from B until I found what I was looking for... the message had come in at 3.51pm, and it was now 4.00pm.

And then I cried. I tried to contain it. Really I did. My kids and I had just returned home from school pick up, and showing my little ones the "new house". But the tears flowed.

Minutes later, as I had myself under control, I noticed I had a couple of new emails.

And one was from B.

I was surprised, I have to say. I mean, not only did I not owe him any explanation of why I ended things, he certainly didn't have to respond to what Id written. But he acknowledged or replied to everything I said.

At first I didn't know what to make of his responses; he said he'd never meant to hurt me, but given the situation it was inevitable. He thought me more than just a fuck buddy, and he does give a shit (in reply to me saying he probably didnt).

I sent a text to him saying Id received his email, thanks, and that I didn't know what to say.

But now, the more I read the email, the more I realise how defensive he is being.

The main reason I ended things then was because he didn't say anything about getting together or even so much as giving me a phone call during the next month. And also because we had sex, he had a smoke, and left. His defense was that he cant just vanish (out to see me) even though he'd like to, and that he stayed for a smoke, but had to leave, as usual. Pfft.

Still, while I'm annoyed by his defensiveness, I'm also very happy that he took the time to respond.

Phases

It's day 4 post "breakup" and I'm going through the standard phases of emotions. Today, I'm still sad, still well aware that this is for the best, but am very pissed off.

I went shopping in a Centre this morning just up from where B lives. That's not unusual, because this is a regular place I go to. I was more aware however today of watching the mums with young kids, and wondering if Id see B's wife. And then, in my internal conversations, I think "well big deal if you did. What are you gonna do? Introduce yourself? No? Then stop looking!"

It's crazy.

I was having coffee in a cafe, right next to a music store. On their video screens, Slash was showing his moves on his guitar. So then I was thinking about B, and his upcoming performance in July that he'd "invited" me to. I can only shake my head. I think all the time about stupid crazy stuff, wondering why he hasn't emailed or contacted me. Will he send a message one Friday or Saturday night when he's on one of his long leashed binges, and text me, saying how he misses me? I imagine my replies to the imaginary scenarios. I'd not reply, or I'd send a short and sharp response. Or I'd tell him how I'm moving to a place that's only 4 minutes away from his home...

And the main thought for today: it's Wednesday. Rehearsal day. Will he message me asking to meet him? Probably not, but part of me desperately wants it.

The best way of describing why I am so angry, is its not because I expected our relationship would turn in to a long term thing, or that I thought he'd leave his wife or any of those sorts of things. I am angry at B's lack of... commitment (I guess that's it) to what little we did have. It could of worked a lot better.

Ultimately I know the last year has really just been transitional, and that I ended things with him when I did really is for the best. My family and I can start off in my our home afresh.

My time will come for a fulfilling relationship. So I need to stop looking.

Today's Quote

Love this quote I came across today. I think I have been a little guilty in being so caught up with B, and everything I felt with him, and wondering about the next thing to happen etc, that I pushed aside the obvious truth of knowing that I meant little to him other than being a fuck buddy. Even though he did say from the start to not plan my Saturdays especially around him, I still did. I reorganised many things, even shopping trips to the suburbs he works in, just in case he called, or we could meet up.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option."

A couple of days

Since Id had in my mind that I wanted to give B a letter which finalised things for me, and acted like "final words" I sent a fairly brief email to his work address last night. I know he had a day off yesterday and that he wouldn't get it until today...

Its 1.14pm, and Ive wondered if he's received it. Ive said in there that I don't expect a reply, but I guess I would really like one. Is that a female thing? :-)

Ive just said again that I don't regret anything, hes helped me find myself, and that him saying he wouldn't see me for a month and that he didn't stay to chat for ten minutes cemented my decision to end things now. I also told him I hoped he sorted himself and his relationship with his wife out, whatever that may mean...

Tears have only spilled over on to my cheeks once today, although they're always there on the precipice.

Again, I know its the best decision, but I become attached easily, and I gave so much of myself, while holding back so much too, and I still hurt.

You know in the movies when new love turns sour for whatever reason, and one of the characters moves cities to get away or they take a job opportunity elsewhere? And then one of them realises what they're losing or letting go off, and they go in search of their love to tell them, only to discover they no longer live there? Well, similarly, yesterday I was offered a larger more appropriate house (for my child who has a disability), and we move next week. Not that I expect B to just contact me one day and want to see me, or just turn up. This house is only 4 minutes drive from where he lives... Sigh.

Serioulsy though, I do find it interesting that this move is happening now, right when a change is needed.

At least my mind will have some other focus for a while.

But I will never forget my gorgeous B.