Thursday, June 3, 2010
It's day 4 post "breakup" and I'm going through the standard phases of emotions. Today, I'm still sad, still well aware that this is for the best, but am very pissed off.
I went shopping in a Centre this morning just up from where B lives. That's not unusual, because this is a regular place I go to. I was more aware however today of watching the mums with young kids, and wondering if Id see B's wife. And then, in my internal conversations, I think "well big deal if you did. What are you gonna do? Introduce yourself? No? Then stop looking!"
It's crazy.
I was having coffee in a cafe, right next to a music store. On their video screens, Slash was showing his moves on his guitar. So then I was thinking about B, and his upcoming performance in July that he'd "invited" me to. I can only shake my head. I think all the time about stupid crazy stuff, wondering why he hasn't emailed or contacted me. Will he send a message one Friday or Saturday night when he's on one of his long leashed binges, and text me, saying how he misses me? I imagine my replies to the imaginary scenarios. I'd not reply, or I'd send a short and sharp response. Or I'd tell him how I'm moving to a place that's only 4 minutes away from his home...
And the main thought for today: it's Wednesday. Rehearsal day. Will he message me asking to meet him? Probably not, but part of me desperately wants it.
The best way of describing why I am so angry, is its not because I expected our relationship would turn in to a long term thing, or that I thought he'd leave his wife or any of those sorts of things. I am angry at B's lack of... commitment (I guess that's it) to what little we did have. It could of worked a lot better.
Ultimately I know the last year has really just been transitional, and that I ended things with him when I did really is for the best. My family and I can start off in my our home afresh.
My time will come for a fulfilling relationship. So I need to stop looking.
I went shopping in a Centre this morning just up from where B lives. That's not unusual, because this is a regular place I go to. I was more aware however today of watching the mums with young kids, and wondering if Id see B's wife. And then, in my internal conversations, I think "well big deal if you did. What are you gonna do? Introduce yourself? No? Then stop looking!"
It's crazy.
I was having coffee in a cafe, right next to a music store. On their video screens, Slash was showing his moves on his guitar. So then I was thinking about B, and his upcoming performance in July that he'd "invited" me to. I can only shake my head. I think all the time about stupid crazy stuff, wondering why he hasn't emailed or contacted me. Will he send a message one Friday or Saturday night when he's on one of his long leashed binges, and text me, saying how he misses me? I imagine my replies to the imaginary scenarios. I'd not reply, or I'd send a short and sharp response. Or I'd tell him how I'm moving to a place that's only 4 minutes away from his home...
And the main thought for today: it's Wednesday. Rehearsal day. Will he message me asking to meet him? Probably not, but part of me desperately wants it.
The best way of describing why I am so angry, is its not because I expected our relationship would turn in to a long term thing, or that I thought he'd leave his wife or any of those sorts of things. I am angry at B's lack of... commitment (I guess that's it) to what little we did have. It could of worked a lot better.
Ultimately I know the last year has really just been transitional, and that I ended things with him when I did really is for the best. My family and I can start off in my our home afresh.
My time will come for a fulfilling relationship. So I need to stop looking.
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