Sunday, April 25, 2010
I sooooo need B now. And I really want to simply send a text. But I keep thinking that
1. he mentioned the other day how he liked how I didnt constantly bombard him with texts, and how too many makes things messy,
2. he's most likely at home, with the fam, watching tele or something, and what if his wife happened to pick up his phone? and
3. because then I really would look needy and desperate.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
1. he mentioned the other day how he liked how I didnt constantly bombard him with texts, and how too many makes things messy,
2. he's most likely at home, with the fam, watching tele or something, and what if his wife happened to pick up his phone? and
3. because then I really would look needy and desperate.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I used to have a My Space account, and thats actually where we first started chatting about a month ago... a month? OMG. So much has happened in that time. I only joined My Space because I knew he was on there, and we were "friends" for a few months, but after my night out when we got together, I noticed he started checking in almost daily, after not having logged in since the end of last year. He told me in one of our early phone conversations that it was his wife that logs in to My Space sometimes, and not long afterward, he'd told me she wanted to know who I was, which he had to just shrug off. I decided to delete my My Space account, because I can still listen to his music; I just cant chat to him this way. After he told me his wife logs on sometimes, it was too risky anyhow. Now I am thinking though of creating an alias account, in some random guys name and friending him so we can chat from time to time. How crazy is that?
We are not friends on Facebook, although that is how I sent him a few messages after our initial meeting. He has since told me that there have been a few girls who have contacted him that way (through Facebook after seeing him in a show) and he generally doesn't accept their requests, and has even considered deleting his account...
I've seen photos of his family on Facebook, after looking at his friends photos, because of what privacy settings they have set up. His two little kids are cute. His wife looks nice too. Attractive in a cutesy way. She looks smiley and happy.
And I feel sorry for her.
We are not friends on Facebook, although that is how I sent him a few messages after our initial meeting. He has since told me that there have been a few girls who have contacted him that way (through Facebook after seeing him in a show) and he generally doesn't accept their requests, and has even considered deleting his account...
I've seen photos of his family on Facebook, after looking at his friends photos, because of what privacy settings they have set up. His two little kids are cute. His wife looks nice too. Attractive in a cutesy way. She looks smiley and happy.
And I feel sorry for her.
I've had some rather personal family stuff happen today; the kind of stuff where I'd really appreciate that special someone to lean on.
It hasn't even been 48 hours since Ive seen him, but it feels like a lifetime.
Do I feel so desperate to see him because of the bad news I received today? No. And I can say that without hesitation. I woke today feeling melancholy. I checked my mobile for an sms, knowing that there would not be one, but looked anyway. He went out last night to a place that is in competition with where he works. Not sure if he went with his fam, or other friends. But it's only a few minutes drive from me. So close yet so far.
Before Id received the bad news this morning, I went to my GP, for a pap smear and to talk about contraception. Its been 2.5 years since my last one. And I just decided to go on the pill again. If our affair is to continue, being on the pill should make things better. Condoms are just awful, and I know thats part of the reason he doesn't cum. You don't start taking the pill though until the first day of your period, so thats another 2 weeks away, and then it's not totally safe for another month, but I am looking forward to sharing this with him anyhow.
I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2 weeks without even a peep from him. I really don't...
It hasn't even been 48 hours since Ive seen him, but it feels like a lifetime.
Do I feel so desperate to see him because of the bad news I received today? No. And I can say that without hesitation. I woke today feeling melancholy. I checked my mobile for an sms, knowing that there would not be one, but looked anyway. He went out last night to a place that is in competition with where he works. Not sure if he went with his fam, or other friends. But it's only a few minutes drive from me. So close yet so far.
Before Id received the bad news this morning, I went to my GP, for a pap smear and to talk about contraception. Its been 2.5 years since my last one. And I just decided to go on the pill again. If our affair is to continue, being on the pill should make things better. Condoms are just awful, and I know thats part of the reason he doesn't cum. You don't start taking the pill though until the first day of your period, so thats another 2 weeks away, and then it's not totally safe for another month, but I am looking forward to sharing this with him anyhow.
I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 2 weeks without even a peep from him. I really don't...
Friday, April 23, 2010
We arranged to meet up at our local pub; he went out with some work friends, and I met up with a couple of my girlfriends who didn't want a late night because of whatever plans they had for the next day, which worked out well.
I arrived just before 7 and met 2 girlfriends. The other 2 girls came an hour later. He messaged me just after 8pm, and it's silly, because I was happy he texted me first, asking if I was there. 2 of the girls left at 9.30pm, and as I was saying goodbye, he was making his way over to me. I did a double take of him without meaning to, which caught the eye of one of the girls, who then noticed him, and realised what I'd been up to (texting and going for mini walks during our 2 hours together). She also happened to be with us on the night B and I first got together, and she had clearly told me to leave him alone because he seemed to be a player. Oops. So she said hello, he kissed her on the cheek, then he kissed me (it was going to be on the lips but I turned my head slightly so it landed on my cheek). She and my other friend left and I received a text from her saying how sneaky I was and she knew I'd been up to something.
He looked big and strong. And good. And huggable. And mmmm! And he was tipsy if not drunk. But we arranged to meet in another hour or so when I knew the other 2 girls were leaving.
I waited where we'd arranged to meet. I had some 23 year old chatting me up. And I brushed him off, and was ready to leave, especially after I saw B go to the bar, grab 2 drinks, talk to a girl, and appear to look over in my direction and go back to his mates. It took some texting and missed calls, but we finally met up 20 minutes after the arranged time.
It was awkward at first. He'd pretended we'd just met. One of his work mates started talking to me and wouldnt shut up, and came back for a chat a few times.. I couldnt believe B left me talking to this guy. And there was another guy - R - who B seemed good friends with, closer to my age. We got on well. Turns out, B has told this guy about us, although Im not sure how much. And B said a number of times that R seemed to like me, and aksed me once what I thought of him. I said he was a nice guy, and asked him if he was trying to fob me off on to him. B commented it was because I "had on (my) glasses" meaning I was blindsided and not looking at anyone else, and I said it wasnt just that, it was that I didnt find this guy physically attractive, which was true.
B and I eventually eneded up touching; not the mauling kind, but sneaky touches at first, and then a little more. God that was difficuly. I wanted to kiss him, sit on his lap, wrap my arms around him.
I was conteplating leaving. I enjoyed being with him, but was not enjoying restraining myself, and also, B's home is literally a 10 minute walk from the pub, so I figured he'd go home anyway. I said as much, and he said he was leaving with me. So, his friend R, B and I left just before 1am and I took R home. Then B told me he was coming to my place (if that was okay?) and that he had til about 3am. I made a joke out of it; woohoo! 2 hours!
We left my home at 4.30 after an amazing time together. Slow sex. Rough sex. Dirty and raw. Passionate and sensual. Different positions. Lots of cuddling. Lots of kissing. Stopping and starting. Oral and anal. Amazing.
I came twice. Again. He didnt. Again. Even after all that time. The condom perhaps? Partly. We even tried a little without it, but we were freaking ourselbes out knowing the consequences of being careless and so stopped, even though it felt incredible without the pesky rubber. Personally I think it was the drink. He'd had too much. And he's worn out. He doens t seem to sepdn any time at home. He has rehearsals, or gym, or doing work for others aswell as his day job. He has his other job, or band practice or takes his kids to the park. Or he's out with mates, or meets me.
We talked a lot. In depth stuff. I finally managed to tell him how I was holding back physically because I was also trying to hold back mentally, but how Id made a decusuon to just let go and have fun with him while it was on offer, and try not to get too personal about things. He said how that never works (getting involved emtionally) but we'd just see where things went.
I couldnt believe how much we kissed. It was almost like our lips were glued to each others. I told him I liked how much he liked it. Yeh, he said, "I love it". Later, I asked him if he wanted a shower, and I said how Id like one with him, so he invited me in. "What about the hair? Wont it get wet?" and at first I was confused. My hair? Yes, it would get wet. Was that a problem? "Well, it apparently can be a problem if it gets wet" and I quickly realised that that must be an issue for him at home, where his wife perhaps wont shower with him because she doesnt want to get her hair wet and have to fix it again. "No, its not a problem. Id rather be with you in the shower. I can do my hair later."
I arrived just before 7 and met 2 girlfriends. The other 2 girls came an hour later. He messaged me just after 8pm, and it's silly, because I was happy he texted me first, asking if I was there. 2 of the girls left at 9.30pm, and as I was saying goodbye, he was making his way over to me. I did a double take of him without meaning to, which caught the eye of one of the girls, who then noticed him, and realised what I'd been up to (texting and going for mini walks during our 2 hours together). She also happened to be with us on the night B and I first got together, and she had clearly told me to leave him alone because he seemed to be a player. Oops. So she said hello, he kissed her on the cheek, then he kissed me (it was going to be on the lips but I turned my head slightly so it landed on my cheek). She and my other friend left and I received a text from her saying how sneaky I was and she knew I'd been up to something.
He looked big and strong. And good. And huggable. And mmmm! And he was tipsy if not drunk. But we arranged to meet in another hour or so when I knew the other 2 girls were leaving.
I waited where we'd arranged to meet. I had some 23 year old chatting me up. And I brushed him off, and was ready to leave, especially after I saw B go to the bar, grab 2 drinks, talk to a girl, and appear to look over in my direction and go back to his mates. It took some texting and missed calls, but we finally met up 20 minutes after the arranged time.
It was awkward at first. He'd pretended we'd just met. One of his work mates started talking to me and wouldnt shut up, and came back for a chat a few times.. I couldnt believe B left me talking to this guy. And there was another guy - R - who B seemed good friends with, closer to my age. We got on well. Turns out, B has told this guy about us, although Im not sure how much. And B said a number of times that R seemed to like me, and aksed me once what I thought of him. I said he was a nice guy, and asked him if he was trying to fob me off on to him. B commented it was because I "had on (my) glasses" meaning I was blindsided and not looking at anyone else, and I said it wasnt just that, it was that I didnt find this guy physically attractive, which was true.
B and I eventually eneded up touching; not the mauling kind, but sneaky touches at first, and then a little more. God that was difficuly. I wanted to kiss him, sit on his lap, wrap my arms around him.
I was conteplating leaving. I enjoyed being with him, but was not enjoying restraining myself, and also, B's home is literally a 10 minute walk from the pub, so I figured he'd go home anyway. I said as much, and he said he was leaving with me. So, his friend R, B and I left just before 1am and I took R home. Then B told me he was coming to my place (if that was okay?) and that he had til about 3am. I made a joke out of it; woohoo! 2 hours!
We left my home at 4.30 after an amazing time together. Slow sex. Rough sex. Dirty and raw. Passionate and sensual. Different positions. Lots of cuddling. Lots of kissing. Stopping and starting. Oral and anal. Amazing.
I came twice. Again. He didnt. Again. Even after all that time. The condom perhaps? Partly. We even tried a little without it, but we were freaking ourselbes out knowing the consequences of being careless and so stopped, even though it felt incredible without the pesky rubber. Personally I think it was the drink. He'd had too much. And he's worn out. He doens t seem to sepdn any time at home. He has rehearsals, or gym, or doing work for others aswell as his day job. He has his other job, or band practice or takes his kids to the park. Or he's out with mates, or meets me.
We talked a lot. In depth stuff. I finally managed to tell him how I was holding back physically because I was also trying to hold back mentally, but how Id made a decusuon to just let go and have fun with him while it was on offer, and try not to get too personal about things. He said how that never works (getting involved emtionally) but we'd just see where things went.
I couldnt believe how much we kissed. It was almost like our lips were glued to each others. I told him I liked how much he liked it. Yeh, he said, "I love it". Later, I asked him if he wanted a shower, and I said how Id like one with him, so he invited me in. "What about the hair? Wont it get wet?" and at first I was confused. My hair? Yes, it would get wet. Was that a problem? "Well, it apparently can be a problem if it gets wet" and I quickly realised that that must be an issue for him at home, where his wife perhaps wont shower with him because she doesnt want to get her hair wet and have to fix it again. "No, its not a problem. Id rather be with you in the shower. I can do my hair later."
Monday, April 19, 2010
As is usual lately, I managed to fall asleep last night quite easily, but I awoke around 3am. And, as usual, thats when I go over everything thats happened between us, what has been said, what I want to happen... it's a good hour before I fall asleep again, and of course I wake tired when it is the "right" time to wake.
I bought some new lingerie today... he likes blue, but it is not an easy colour to find, and since I don't normally wear that colour, I have to kinda like what I find, right? So I bought a black and white lace and satin set, which I am loving.
It's been 24 hours since we were together, and there's another 46 hours until we are together again. Well, hopefully. He has rehearsals and will need to confirm with me if its on, and if it is, then we can meet up before hand.
He goes overseas next week for almost 2 weeks, and where it seems I would probably see him Saturday night (after he finishes work), I wont for the next 2 Saturdays... we are planning to spend Friday night together. Ive organised for my kids to stay at friends houses, and I am beside myself with anticipation. Our hour or two that we have each time goes way too quickly; I so want to spend more time with him without clock watching. He actually said as much last night; something about wanting to stay in bed all night and for us to not get up until 10 in the morning, he wishes things were different, and wishes he could give me more...
Every time my phone announces Ive received a message, I jump. I didn't expect one today, and I don't for tomorrow either, but man! I'm so keen to see him again.
I bought some new lingerie today... he likes blue, but it is not an easy colour to find, and since I don't normally wear that colour, I have to kinda like what I find, right? So I bought a black and white lace and satin set, which I am loving.
It's been 24 hours since we were together, and there's another 46 hours until we are together again. Well, hopefully. He has rehearsals and will need to confirm with me if its on, and if it is, then we can meet up before hand.
He goes overseas next week for almost 2 weeks, and where it seems I would probably see him Saturday night (after he finishes work), I wont for the next 2 Saturdays... we are planning to spend Friday night together. Ive organised for my kids to stay at friends houses, and I am beside myself with anticipation. Our hour or two that we have each time goes way too quickly; I so want to spend more time with him without clock watching. He actually said as much last night; something about wanting to stay in bed all night and for us to not get up until 10 in the morning, he wishes things were different, and wishes he could give me more...
Every time my phone announces Ive received a message, I jump. I didn't expect one today, and I don't for tomorrow either, but man! I'm so keen to see him again.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
He told me today one of the things he liked about me was that I don't hassle him with texts. It gets too out of control otherwise, he said. I told him I didn't want to risk him getting him to any strife because of me and he said he thought that was very considerate of me :P ...
Tonight I received a text from him wishing I was there with him. He was at a club with some friends. I replied that I wished I was too, and that Id been clock watching knowing where he was...
He then asked if I could come up (to the club) and I replied that I could, but wasn't sure about being there when his friends are too. By that time, his friends had left. So I went up, and one of his friends had rejoined him, but he was quite pissed, and preoccupied on his iPhone texting between his ex wife and current fiance!
What a lovely, comfortable evening.
We were trying to discreetly touch each other under the table; fingers, hands on leg, he even played with my feet (he likes my feet). His friend later commented on it. I felt so much like a caught-out teenager.
I took B home, and stopped around the corner from his house. We "made -out" for a little bit. He told me a little about stuff at home, and how, for example, he'll go to kiss his wife and she turns her head away, or says "stop it". He told me it was nice to feel "wanted".
I know.
Tonight I received a text from him wishing I was there with him. He was at a club with some friends. I replied that I wished I was too, and that Id been clock watching knowing where he was...
He then asked if I could come up (to the club) and I replied that I could, but wasn't sure about being there when his friends are too. By that time, his friends had left. So I went up, and one of his friends had rejoined him, but he was quite pissed, and preoccupied on his iPhone texting between his ex wife and current fiance!
What a lovely, comfortable evening.
We were trying to discreetly touch each other under the table; fingers, hands on leg, he even played with my feet (he likes my feet). His friend later commented on it. I felt so much like a caught-out teenager.
I took B home, and stopped around the corner from his house. We "made -out" for a little bit. He told me a little about stuff at home, and how, for example, he'll go to kiss his wife and she turns her head away, or says "stop it". He told me it was nice to feel "wanted".
I know.
I texted him this morning wondering if Id get to see him at all today, since he knew I had a window of time "free". He replied saying he'd see what he could work out.
We met at a park not far from his home. I went to him with mixed feelings. As I approached his work van, and he got out, I just wanted to take him in my arms and kiss him madly. I didn't.
I wanted to give him the option of ending things now; after last night, and him not climaxing, again, I was feeling low, as though perhaps it was my fault somehow. Did I want to end it, he asked. I told him no, I wasn't ready to let him go, but I didn't want to pressure him for anything more. It was up to him, and to consider that perhaps I wasn't... enough for him. Or something. He kept saying he didn't know what had happened (not "cumming"), because it had never been a problem before, but he wanted to keep seeing me.
We sat about 30cm apart and barely touched. It was our first public meeting, and Id said at one point that that was hard, not being able to touch him.
We were together for an hour and simply talked. And looked. I love looking at him. I don't know about him, but I shared things I haven't shared with anyone other than my best friend. I heard about the woman he still has a soft spot for, and who he would've married if he had not of chosen his current wife. I told him Id left my first marriage largely because of my first love, but when he asked me more about that I told him I'd said all I wanted to for now.
He smokes (I don't), and as he went to light up, he sat on the other side of me so the smoke wouldn't get in my face. He offered me his can of Coke. I like his manners and consideration.
As we said goodbye, I made to leave without touching him - I just thought it would be easier - and he said "Don't I get a kiss" and without further hesitation, I kissed him. Softly. Passionately. My good sunnies fell from my head, and he picked them up.
In the words of Juliet, parting is such sweet sorrow.
We met at a park not far from his home. I went to him with mixed feelings. As I approached his work van, and he got out, I just wanted to take him in my arms and kiss him madly. I didn't.
I wanted to give him the option of ending things now; after last night, and him not climaxing, again, I was feeling low, as though perhaps it was my fault somehow. Did I want to end it, he asked. I told him no, I wasn't ready to let him go, but I didn't want to pressure him for anything more. It was up to him, and to consider that perhaps I wasn't... enough for him. Or something. He kept saying he didn't know what had happened (not "cumming"), because it had never been a problem before, but he wanted to keep seeing me.
We sat about 30cm apart and barely touched. It was our first public meeting, and Id said at one point that that was hard, not being able to touch him.
We were together for an hour and simply talked. And looked. I love looking at him. I don't know about him, but I shared things I haven't shared with anyone other than my best friend. I heard about the woman he still has a soft spot for, and who he would've married if he had not of chosen his current wife. I told him Id left my first marriage largely because of my first love, but when he asked me more about that I told him I'd said all I wanted to for now.
He smokes (I don't), and as he went to light up, he sat on the other side of me so the smoke wouldn't get in my face. He offered me his can of Coke. I like his manners and consideration.
As we said goodbye, I made to leave without touching him - I just thought it would be easier - and he said "Don't I get a kiss" and without further hesitation, I kissed him. Softly. Passionately. My good sunnies fell from my head, and he picked them up.
In the words of Juliet, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
I went out for my 39th birthday to the place where I knew B worked. My decision to go there with a bunch of people that mean the most to me was based on the fact that I knew we'd all have a great time. The compere of the "show" also hosts a monthly day at a club that I attend with my Nan, and Id also taken my (now ex) partner to the show years before. And also yes, I knew B would be there.
The show is set in a small intimate environment, and I saw that B did a little double-take as soon as he saw me in the middle of a song. We had some eye contact, but I didn't take that too personally; he's an entertainer, and thats what they're meant to do. Only a short time later though, during one of his breaks, out of the corner of my eye I knew that he was going past the table I was seated at, and behind my chair, so I tucked my chair in closer to the table as he went past. He stopped, and turned around, and held out his hand, and said "Hi, its XXXX, isn't it?" (he remembered my name!), made a bit of small talk and off he went. All I could think of was "he remembered my name?!"
Throughout the night, I was getting more full of alcohol, and in between acts, I would go off to the Ladies, or downstairs and outside (where I knew all the smokers went, although until I actually saw him smoking, I wouldn't of known he did smoke), hoping to "bump" into him. Finally, one time at the bar, we did have a chat. He introduced me to two other people that work there, and I gracefully left once it looked like other audience people wanted to chat with him.
A number of my friends and family commented to me how he kept checking me out. By this stage Id informed my best girlfriend, and L, that this was in fact the guy that made me feel I wanted to jump his bones a few months before hand. Id also told them that nothing could or would happen because he was married...
After the show, there's dancing for half hour or so, and then the doors close at midnight. My friends and I danced, B sang a song, and soon after I felt him grab my hand and he was spinning me around on the floor! We danced for a bit, and then, it was over.
We all made our way - as orderly as possible - down the stairs, and out in to the night. Some of my friends and family had already left, but those who were still there with me organised where we were going next. As we were deciding, Id noticed B just a few steps away, having a cigarette. We chat a little, and before I knew it Id asked if he wanted to come out with us too. I wasn't driving; there was 7 of us, plus B now, in 2 cars.
In one car, B and I sat in the back, and L and her hubby were in the front. Not long in to the trip to the club we'd decided on - about 20 minutes away - I felt B's hand start playing with the back of my head, and my hair. For as long as I live, that touch will be ingrained in my mind and senses. I was shocked, and gave him a sideways look. Every time he stroked, my eyes practically fluttered closed and I contained a moan, or a sigh. And, being quite tipsy didn't help, but I suddenly needed to concentrate extra hard to follow conversation. Before long, we were playing with each others hands, and its a wonder something so simple could feel so good.
As we walked hand in hand to the club, he discovered I had five children... I laughed and asked him if he wanted to leave now? He stayed, bought me a drink. We danced. We talked, but not that much. He asked a few times why I hadn't told him we were going (to the show) that night. I was a bit confused by that; why would I of told him? How would I? By email, the same way Id contacted him last year through the community site?
We flirted, we touched, danced some more. Evnentually, we kissed, and I thought I would die then and there. It was heavenly, but sinful all at once. We'd kiss, and then Id remember he was married, and Id pull away.
To make a weird situation even weirder, my first husband was at the club too. I didn't tell B that; there was no point. And thankfully, most of the people Id gone out with knew my ex too, so they hung around together.
I don't remember what words he actually used, but B said about 3 times something like "lets get out of here" or "lets go somewhere quiet".
I was still coherent enough to realise that it was a bad idea.
Firstly, and most importantly, which is the reason I kept reminding him of, he's married.
Secondly, my best friend was staying at my place for the night, and she already disapproved (rightly so) of what I was doing. If she hadn't of been staying though, things may have ended differently...
And thirdly, I had my period.
"I just cant" I kept saying, because I knew for me, that those 3 words encompassed all three reasons above.
"Tell me more about you. Whats your story" he asked me a number of times. But in all honesty I loved not telling him much.
We left the club around 3.15am, and stopped by a doner kebab kiosk. Everyone else had a kebab, except for me; I wasn't hungry, and just had a bit or two of B's. This place apparently is a regular stop home for B after a night out.
We dropped B home, right out the front of his place. For me there was a "nice to meet you" but nothing else. No "whats your number" or ""Ill be in contact" kind of thing. As we drove away, I couldn't believe I didn't even turn back. I didn't know whether to be disappointed or not.
My girlfriend and I got home about 4am, and went straight to bed. I woke around 7.30am (not good at sleeping in anymore!), and she was awake early too. We talked a little about B, but I knew how she disapproving she was, and I knew that anything I thought or felt would have to stay close to my heart.
The show is set in a small intimate environment, and I saw that B did a little double-take as soon as he saw me in the middle of a song. We had some eye contact, but I didn't take that too personally; he's an entertainer, and thats what they're meant to do. Only a short time later though, during one of his breaks, out of the corner of my eye I knew that he was going past the table I was seated at, and behind my chair, so I tucked my chair in closer to the table as he went past. He stopped, and turned around, and held out his hand, and said "Hi, its XXXX, isn't it?" (he remembered my name!), made a bit of small talk and off he went. All I could think of was "he remembered my name?!"
Throughout the night, I was getting more full of alcohol, and in between acts, I would go off to the Ladies, or downstairs and outside (where I knew all the smokers went, although until I actually saw him smoking, I wouldn't of known he did smoke), hoping to "bump" into him. Finally, one time at the bar, we did have a chat. He introduced me to two other people that work there, and I gracefully left once it looked like other audience people wanted to chat with him.
A number of my friends and family commented to me how he kept checking me out. By this stage Id informed my best girlfriend, and L, that this was in fact the guy that made me feel I wanted to jump his bones a few months before hand. Id also told them that nothing could or would happen because he was married...
After the show, there's dancing for half hour or so, and then the doors close at midnight. My friends and I danced, B sang a song, and soon after I felt him grab my hand and he was spinning me around on the floor! We danced for a bit, and then, it was over.
We all made our way - as orderly as possible - down the stairs, and out in to the night. Some of my friends and family had already left, but those who were still there with me organised where we were going next. As we were deciding, Id noticed B just a few steps away, having a cigarette. We chat a little, and before I knew it Id asked if he wanted to come out with us too. I wasn't driving; there was 7 of us, plus B now, in 2 cars.
In one car, B and I sat in the back, and L and her hubby were in the front. Not long in to the trip to the club we'd decided on - about 20 minutes away - I felt B's hand start playing with the back of my head, and my hair. For as long as I live, that touch will be ingrained in my mind and senses. I was shocked, and gave him a sideways look. Every time he stroked, my eyes practically fluttered closed and I contained a moan, or a sigh. And, being quite tipsy didn't help, but I suddenly needed to concentrate extra hard to follow conversation. Before long, we were playing with each others hands, and its a wonder something so simple could feel so good.
As we walked hand in hand to the club, he discovered I had five children... I laughed and asked him if he wanted to leave now? He stayed, bought me a drink. We danced. We talked, but not that much. He asked a few times why I hadn't told him we were going (to the show) that night. I was a bit confused by that; why would I of told him? How would I? By email, the same way Id contacted him last year through the community site?
We flirted, we touched, danced some more. Evnentually, we kissed, and I thought I would die then and there. It was heavenly, but sinful all at once. We'd kiss, and then Id remember he was married, and Id pull away.
To make a weird situation even weirder, my first husband was at the club too. I didn't tell B that; there was no point. And thankfully, most of the people Id gone out with knew my ex too, so they hung around together.
I don't remember what words he actually used, but B said about 3 times something like "lets get out of here" or "lets go somewhere quiet".
I was still coherent enough to realise that it was a bad idea.
Firstly, and most importantly, which is the reason I kept reminding him of, he's married.
Secondly, my best friend was staying at my place for the night, and she already disapproved (rightly so) of what I was doing. If she hadn't of been staying though, things may have ended differently...
And thirdly, I had my period.
"I just cant" I kept saying, because I knew for me, that those 3 words encompassed all three reasons above.
"Tell me more about you. Whats your story" he asked me a number of times. But in all honesty I loved not telling him much.
We left the club around 3.15am, and stopped by a doner kebab kiosk. Everyone else had a kebab, except for me; I wasn't hungry, and just had a bit or two of B's. This place apparently is a regular stop home for B after a night out.
We dropped B home, right out the front of his place. For me there was a "nice to meet you" but nothing else. No "whats your number" or ""Ill be in contact" kind of thing. As we drove away, I couldn't believe I didn't even turn back. I didn't know whether to be disappointed or not.
My girlfriend and I got home about 4am, and went straight to bed. I woke around 7.30am (not good at sleeping in anymore!), and she was awake early too. We talked a little about B, but I knew how she disapproving she was, and I knew that anything I thought or felt would have to stay close to my heart.
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