In My Car

Just before 11pm last night, B messaged me. Id been in bed, asleep, about an hour, so I was very surprised Id heard it. "Busy?" he asked. Long story short, he wanted me to meet him out. So I quickly got ready and met him about 1/2 hour later. He was out with some old work mates who were having a kind of reunion. Four guys Id never met before. They'd been doing a bit of a pub / club crawl and by the time I got there, they'd decided they'd had enough of that, and so we went for kebabs. Funnily, we went to the place where B and I had gone the night of my birthday dinner. I drove the them. I did feel a bit like a taxi. I didn't have a kebab, and B didn't offer me any of his, although one of the other guys offered to buy me one. I didn't feel hungry. The guys seemed nice enough and we had a little chat. I was talking to one of them about kids - he has 2 younger kids and had been talking about how difficult it was to go out to a restaurant with them - and he asked me the ages of my kids. When I told him my eldest was 16, he said "Were you like, 12, when you had her?" Aww, very sweet. I didn't talk much really, because I didn't know how much they either knew about me (and B), or how much they would ask. They would of guessed, if nothing else, that we were having an affair...

I wasn't really paying attention to actual conversations they were all having. To be honest I was keeping guarded, while watching B, and listening to him laughing etc, which I really enjoyed. I love watching him interact with others. But then, my ears picked up on something one of the guys - lets call him G - was saying. I heard "'cause sex is important to me. And I'll ask her, and she's like "what? again?" but that's how I am. I need a lot of it. So I go elsewhere. And my cock is precious. I decide where it goes. It needs looking after. But not Asians or Blacks''. At first Id thought he'd said "Australian's" so I asked, "did you say Australians?" and he clarified, and said, "Did you think 'cause I look like a Leb that Ive got something against Aussies?" and I said "No, not at all. I get told all the time I look a different nationality." What a pretentious prick.

Two of the guys caught a cab home, and we quickly worked out that G in fact llives close to me, so I offered him a lift home. I didn't ask, and took G home first. Weirdly, Id noticed his work car only a week or two earlier, because B's replacement work car was just the same as G's, and Id initially thought it was B's and he'd stopped in to see friends or something.

B was a 'good' boy the whole time we were out and didn't touch me once. It wasn't until Id dropped G home, and we were a few minutes away from B's place, that he touched me. The "hand on my hair" thing, that I love from him so much. He said "Well, are you going to stop somewhere?" so I said Id go to the place where we parked at Christmas. I held and played with his hands, even though I was driving, and we drove past his street on the way to the reserve.

I parked the car and we immediately undid our seat belts, and I knelt in between our seats, and he said "want some kebab?" and hung his tongue out. "Oh yes" I breathed, and kissed him. I probably taste horrible, like beer and smokes" he said. "It's weird" I replied. "Id never liked being with anyone who smokes, but you taste fantastic".

For the next hour or so, we had amazing sex. And even now, still, after all this time, my breath still catches in my throat, thinking of him and I feel when I'm with him.

For the first time ever, I lose my inhibitions with him. I am still totally aware of myself, and still even a little selfconcious, but I will do anything. (My car is very spacious inside and the seats are easily configured).I love how much we kiss, and touch and feel and even talk a little to let each know how much we're enjoying it.

Referring to the condom, I told him to take it off, and asked him if he wanted to "do my arse?" so he did. He took me very gently, and he made the most noise - the most beautiful moans - this way, and told me how good it felt. "Are you ready?" he asked me. "Yep" I said. But then he asked me again and I realised he wanted me to finish him. "You want me to suck you?" I asked and he said "Yeh" so he pulled out and I blew him. "Fuck! Oh fuck!" he kept saying. There was so much cum for a change that it leaked out the side of my mouth, and I swallowed the rest.

"Oh my god" he said. "That was ridiculous. Rid-ic-ulous!"

"That was freaking awesome!" I said.

We got dressed, he got out and had a smoke, and I tried to get my breath back.

We waited for the windows to demist, and when I went to turn the music up, he turned it back down; didn't want to attract the neighbours attention. :)

I took him home, two minutes drive away, and that was that.

Out of Mind?

I was so proud of myself last night; I didn't contact B.

My 2 eldest kids were out at a party and I was supposed to pick them up at 1.30am. Wasn't quite sure how that would work out if I did see B for some (lucky) reason, given that the last time I saw him 5 weeks ago he didn't arrive til 1.30, but I decided I cant keep changing my life around 'just in case' so figured Id deal with that if and when it happened.

I did my usual Saturday night thing if I'm not going anywhere; I cleaned the house. As well as the general tidy, I also vacuum everywhere, and clean the kitchen and the bathroom properly too. Exciting stuff.

In between, I chat with a girlfriend online who knows about B, and I watched the move "Notting Hill".

And then B messaged me at 1.15am.

"Hey. Busy?"

"Nope."

"Kids?"

"Nope."

"Quick visit?"

"Yep. ;)"

Thankfully Id showered and was nice and presentable, but I quickly whipped off to the bathroom to straighten my hair a little and make sure my face hadn't rearranged itself or something without me knowing. :)

In that time I also had to quickly message my daughters and let them know Id be picking them up a little later... I was replying to their response, when B arrived only a few minutes later. Quick kiss hello, and he zipped off to the bathroom. I went to my bedroom because Id wanted to check if I had any condoms left in the usual place... Id just found some when B came in, and asked what I was doing. "Just checking supplies" I said. The I realised that he may start reading all my post-it type motivational quotes I had on my mirrored doors, including the one that reads "I will not contact B etc". I don't know why, but I felt a little embarrassed about them, but still, I pointed that one of him out, and said "that's why I haven't contacted you. Because Ive told myself not to."

We walked down the hallway to the kitchen to get a drink, and I gave him a huge hug, and held on tight. "I missed you,". "Yeh, he said, "its good to see you too."

I showed him some photos from a party Id been to, and then we sat in the lounge room, and talked, and caught up on the last 4 or 5 weeks (although after he left, I remembered a few other things Id wanted to ask him, or talk to him about! Typical!).

He asked me how Id coped not contacting him. "Horrible!" I said. "It's been really difficult. Ive hated it. But I can do it. 'Cause I have to. It's just how it is." And then I said "you've obviously done alright though. I haven't heard from you." He told me he's been focusing on the family for a bit "you know?", and caught up on some things that needed doing, and people he hasn't seen for a while. Having his Saturday nights back twice a year is when he gets to do these things. He said "But I did think of you" and I said "Yeh right." "No, I did" he replied. I shook my head, gave him a playful push on the arm, and said "As if. Out of sight, out of mind" and he replied "No, not at all." Id purposely been keeping things light and playful and happy, so before I got too serious, I got up from the lounge and got myself another drink.

But really I was thinking along the same lines as last time; what the fuck? You focus on your family for 4 weeks so she can be lulled in to a false sense of security again, and then what? Whoops, you have a relapse and come visit me. Again...

I returned to the lounge room, and sat in a different lounge... and then my daughter rang! She said one of the other mums had offered to drop her home. I said that wasn't convenient, because I was out, to which she replied it was okay 'cause she had keys! "No", I said. "Ill come get you around 2am" (because B had already told me it really was only a quick visit and he had to leave at 1.55am to get home by 2am). She wasn't happy, but we left it at that...

So, time was ticking away, and I wanted to touch B properly, so as we talked, I moved his legs apart, and kneeled between them, and simply ran my hands over his legs, and chest. And then I stood up and straddled his lap; a much better position. :)

He commented on how he'd seen me a couple of times out and about, and I told him how Id seen a work van similar to his just up from my house a couple of times, and each time Id been excited thinking it was him. "You were excited?" he asked. "Yep," I answered. "I was". He shook his head. I also said that I thought Id seen him on a building site near home last week, but he said he hadn't been on any jobs like that, and I embarrassingly admitted "I know. I turned around and drove past again, and realised it wasn't you."

With a chuckle he said "You're outta control. Really." All I could do was shrug.

He was a little worried my girls would just turn up at the front door, and looked at my phone the couple of times it sounded when Id received an email. I explained that I had my iPhone set so that certain sounds notified me of particular things. I also told him that when I receive a phone call from my ex, for example, Ive the got the ring tone set as a barking dog. When I get a text message from B, the notification for that is a news alert, '''cause when I receive a message from you, that certainly IS news". :)

We talked about 'mums' who cant be bothered dressing to pick their kids up for example, or don't make an effort to go out shopping and wear tracky daks and ugg boots. He said theres a woman who lives across the road like that. "Uggh" he said. And often sees mums just like that out and about...And I wondered if his wife makes an effort to just be a little more attractive or sexy. I know there are times when I don't bother... but then I don't have someone keep interested at home.

I told him if he lived with me, he'd never get any sleep, because Id always be touching him...

And before we knew it, it was 2am, and he said he had to go. We kissed and felt each other for a minute or two, and parted. As I stood, he said, "Just let me see that sexy ass", so I turned my back to him, lifted my short gown, and stuck my bum out a little. And he oh so gently held me, and kissed each cheek.

I followed him to the kitchen where he'd put his stuff...and we kissed some more. "Next time," I whispered in his ear, "let's not muck about".

And then he said "I cant come here just to fuck. Sometimes its nice just to see you."

What?

(Dwelling on that later, it totally confuses me.)

He eventually made it out the door...

And I went to get my kids. It was 2.15am.

28 days

and still nothing.

I haven't even sent ''hey'' off in a text to him.

Very proud of myself.

And pissed off he hasn't contacted me in those 4 weeks. Sure, he's been away from his 'night' job, but thats no excuse. And the longer he goes without contacting me, the better he'll probably feel he's 'doing the right' thing on the home front. He may also wonder now if by contacting me he will receive some kind of biting, scathing remark in response. Ive thought of something catty, dont worry...

But I'm definitely sad. And tomorrow night, even though realistically I know I probably wont hear from B, come Sunday morning, I'll no doubt of shed a tear or two because I haven't heard from him. :(

To text or not to text?

Day 25. Ugh! Up. Down. Text. Dont text. Call. Dont call. Round and fucking round it goes.

Do I text a smiple "I miss you." ? No. That implies I expect a similar response.

"Where have you been?" No, too whiney.

"Hey georgeous. Hows things?" Obvisoulsy he's been fine enough to not contact me.

23 days

... since Ive had any contact with or from B.

23 long, emotional days.

I've drafted a few sms's (addressed to B) but sent them to myself, so I actually have a record of what I was thinking at the time. I found this has been helpful. Even the one that simply said "I miss you".

Ive driven by his street, and noticed he has a different work car at the moment. Actually, after drooping off my daughter to a friends house on Friday, I was driving down the street where his work mate lives (the one who lives next to my girlfriend), and I noticed a car with the same company logo on the side... it crossed my mind that it may be B's because it was parked on the street, not in the driveway. Yesterday I saw the same car at B's.

Last night I had a friend come 'round to watch a DVD. He has just gone through a long drawn out break-up. I have always liked this guy - Ive known him for around 18 years and we did go out briefly back then - but am reluctant to start anything "romantic'' because i dont want to be his re-bound girl. And, I dont want him to be my re-bound guy. He came over around 8pm, and left around 2.30, and as he was leaving, he's standing in my kitchen, talking, and part of me was wondering if he considered kissing me. The other part of me remembered B in pretty much the same spot, and we didn't do much talking... And all night, I had my mobile by my side, just in case B messaged me, even though realistically I knew / know that he wouldn't. :(

So next Saturday, he goes back to his Saturday night gig.

I wonder how long before I hear from him. I wonder if I can hold out from making the first move.

I wonder what my response will be. I should keep it all light; no d&m stuff. But I think Ill include both. :)

Half Way

Its 2 weeks since Ive heard from B, and 3 since Ive seen him. He wont return to the weekend job for another 2 weeks, and who knows when the arrangement of car-pooling will allow him to stop by my place.

Emotionally, I have been all over the shop during the last few weeks. I am so extraordinarily sad. Just thinking about never ever, ever ever, seeing B again breaks my heart. My eyes immediately well with tears.

Not contacting him has not been too difficult. Thats not to say I haven't itched on occasion to send a text, but Ive done surprisingly well. Of course, driving past his street is a different story. Ive succumbed to that.

Ive talked till I'm blue and drained from crying with couple of my closest girlfriends. Ive said I know I need to end this; I know I'm nothing more than just a fuck for him. And part of not contacting him is to see how long it takes before he contacts me. I'm not usually a game player, but this whole thing is crazy anyway.

The other day I had coffee and caught up with a girlfriend, and on the weekend she went out to dinner with a friend to celebrate (her friends) birthday. My girlfriends friend is the one who knows B and his wife. I have a feeling they were there at this birthday dinner too, or at least B's wife.

I dont feel that having a partner makes you more worthwhile, or completes you as such, but having someone special to share things with is what we humans naturally tend to crave. And that is definitely what I want. I am not where I want to be in every area of my life, but I'm okay. Even financially, I am worse off than I was a year ago due to bad budgeting and over spending, but even that does not put me in such a downer as knowing that B and I will never be permanently together, and that I dont have any one else either.

When I'm out with friends, at a party etc, I love watching couples interact. The hubby who knows what choccy his wife would prefer out of the bowl of assorted ones. The girlfriend who is talking with friends, looks around for her boyfriend because hes been gone from her side a while, and they catch each others eye across the room, and smile at each other. And everything is okay again for a while. Having the option to curl up on the lounge with your loved one on a cold rainy day (like it was today) and just watch dvd's and drink hot choccy. I want that. And because I dont, those same things also make me very melancholy.

I also know the more I look the more it will allude me. I should know what it is I want, the qualities and characteristics I appreciate in a man, for sure. But to look at every man as a ''potential" is just desperate.

I really need to tryst that it will happen when its meant to.

But then I go 'round in circles... I should let go totally of B so I am more open to a new partner. On the other hand, who knows when that new person will appear, so why not hold on to B un til then?

I dont know why I am feeling sooooo strongly about this damn man. And why Im so affected by how Im feeling.

And the worst part is, that really, it doesnt matter how I feel, or rather it doesnt matter that anyone else knows, because Im the only one who can make steps to change it. If B knows that I love him, what then? A big fat nothing. Whats the point in him knowing then.

Addiction?

My star sign suggests that Id be more susceptible to addictions of drug or alcohol. Thankfully I don't drink that much and am quite happy to not drink, and Ive tried marijuana a few times, but never got that feeling of "absolutely having to have it" again.

But addicted to B? Well, that's a different story.

I went to a girlfriends house last night and got to together with another girlfriend, which we do every few weeks, to chat about stuff - mostly our love life. The girl who hosts is happily married, and the other girl and I are her 'entertainment'. We're like her regular dose of Bold and the Beautiful. Except its real life. Our life.

Whenever conversation turned to me, and B, I got a bit more emotional than usual. In fact, I cried twice. They understand now how I feel. And they also realise how over my head I am with it all, and how I desperately need to get out.

I told them how I actually congratulate myself for not purposely driving past his house for example.

And this morning, there are a few things I would normally 'check' or look at on the social network site, but Ive avoided them. So far. But it is only 9.08am.

I have to consciously remind myself to not do these things.

And now, I need to STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.

:)

Christopher Plummer

I know Ive got it bad, when, while watching The Sound of Music with a girlfriends daughter who Im looking after for a few hours, I realise that the young Christopher Plummer reminds me of B. Especially during the scene where he dances with Frauline Maria during one of their parties...

...and big fat tear drops streak my cheeks.