Half Way

Its 2 weeks since Ive heard from B, and 3 since Ive seen him. He wont return to the weekend job for another 2 weeks, and who knows when the arrangement of car-pooling will allow him to stop by my place.

Emotionally, I have been all over the shop during the last few weeks. I am so extraordinarily sad. Just thinking about never ever, ever ever, seeing B again breaks my heart. My eyes immediately well with tears.

Not contacting him has not been too difficult. Thats not to say I haven't itched on occasion to send a text, but Ive done surprisingly well. Of course, driving past his street is a different story. Ive succumbed to that.

Ive talked till I'm blue and drained from crying with couple of my closest girlfriends. Ive said I know I need to end this; I know I'm nothing more than just a fuck for him. And part of not contacting him is to see how long it takes before he contacts me. I'm not usually a game player, but this whole thing is crazy anyway.

The other day I had coffee and caught up with a girlfriend, and on the weekend she went out to dinner with a friend to celebrate (her friends) birthday. My girlfriends friend is the one who knows B and his wife. I have a feeling they were there at this birthday dinner too, or at least B's wife.

I dont feel that having a partner makes you more worthwhile, or completes you as such, but having someone special to share things with is what we humans naturally tend to crave. And that is definitely what I want. I am not where I want to be in every area of my life, but I'm okay. Even financially, I am worse off than I was a year ago due to bad budgeting and over spending, but even that does not put me in such a downer as knowing that B and I will never be permanently together, and that I dont have any one else either.

When I'm out with friends, at a party etc, I love watching couples interact. The hubby who knows what choccy his wife would prefer out of the bowl of assorted ones. The girlfriend who is talking with friends, looks around for her boyfriend because hes been gone from her side a while, and they catch each others eye across the room, and smile at each other. And everything is okay again for a while. Having the option to curl up on the lounge with your loved one on a cold rainy day (like it was today) and just watch dvd's and drink hot choccy. I want that. And because I dont, those same things also make me very melancholy.

I also know the more I look the more it will allude me. I should know what it is I want, the qualities and characteristics I appreciate in a man, for sure. But to look at every man as a ''potential" is just desperate.

I really need to tryst that it will happen when its meant to.

But then I go 'round in circles... I should let go totally of B so I am more open to a new partner. On the other hand, who knows when that new person will appear, so why not hold on to B un til then?