Out of Mind?

I was so proud of myself last night; I didn't contact B.

My 2 eldest kids were out at a party and I was supposed to pick them up at 1.30am. Wasn't quite sure how that would work out if I did see B for some (lucky) reason, given that the last time I saw him 5 weeks ago he didn't arrive til 1.30, but I decided I cant keep changing my life around 'just in case' so figured Id deal with that if and when it happened.

I did my usual Saturday night thing if I'm not going anywhere; I cleaned the house. As well as the general tidy, I also vacuum everywhere, and clean the kitchen and the bathroom properly too. Exciting stuff.

In between, I chat with a girlfriend online who knows about B, and I watched the move "Notting Hill".

And then B messaged me at 1.15am.

"Hey. Busy?"

"Nope."

"Kids?"

"Nope."

"Quick visit?"

"Yep. ;)"

Thankfully Id showered and was nice and presentable, but I quickly whipped off to the bathroom to straighten my hair a little and make sure my face hadn't rearranged itself or something without me knowing. :)

In that time I also had to quickly message my daughters and let them know Id be picking them up a little later... I was replying to their response, when B arrived only a few minutes later. Quick kiss hello, and he zipped off to the bathroom. I went to my bedroom because Id wanted to check if I had any condoms left in the usual place... Id just found some when B came in, and asked what I was doing. "Just checking supplies" I said. The I realised that he may start reading all my post-it type motivational quotes I had on my mirrored doors, including the one that reads "I will not contact B etc". I don't know why, but I felt a little embarrassed about them, but still, I pointed that one of him out, and said "that's why I haven't contacted you. Because Ive told myself not to."

We walked down the hallway to the kitchen to get a drink, and I gave him a huge hug, and held on tight. "I missed you,". "Yeh, he said, "its good to see you too."

I showed him some photos from a party Id been to, and then we sat in the lounge room, and talked, and caught up on the last 4 or 5 weeks (although after he left, I remembered a few other things Id wanted to ask him, or talk to him about! Typical!).

He asked me how Id coped not contacting him. "Horrible!" I said. "It's been really difficult. Ive hated it. But I can do it. 'Cause I have to. It's just how it is." And then I said "you've obviously done alright though. I haven't heard from you." He told me he's been focusing on the family for a bit "you know?", and caught up on some things that needed doing, and people he hasn't seen for a while. Having his Saturday nights back twice a year is when he gets to do these things. He said "But I did think of you" and I said "Yeh right." "No, I did" he replied. I shook my head, gave him a playful push on the arm, and said "As if. Out of sight, out of mind" and he replied "No, not at all." Id purposely been keeping things light and playful and happy, so before I got too serious, I got up from the lounge and got myself another drink.

But really I was thinking along the same lines as last time; what the fuck? You focus on your family for 4 weeks so she can be lulled in to a false sense of security again, and then what? Whoops, you have a relapse and come visit me. Again...

I returned to the lounge room, and sat in a different lounge... and then my daughter rang! She said one of the other mums had offered to drop her home. I said that wasn't convenient, because I was out, to which she replied it was okay 'cause she had keys! "No", I said. "Ill come get you around 2am" (because B had already told me it really was only a quick visit and he had to leave at 1.55am to get home by 2am). She wasn't happy, but we left it at that...

So, time was ticking away, and I wanted to touch B properly, so as we talked, I moved his legs apart, and kneeled between them, and simply ran my hands over his legs, and chest. And then I stood up and straddled his lap; a much better position. :)

He commented on how he'd seen me a couple of times out and about, and I told him how Id seen a work van similar to his just up from my house a couple of times, and each time Id been excited thinking it was him. "You were excited?" he asked. "Yep," I answered. "I was". He shook his head. I also said that I thought Id seen him on a building site near home last week, but he said he hadn't been on any jobs like that, and I embarrassingly admitted "I know. I turned around and drove past again, and realised it wasn't you."

With a chuckle he said "You're outta control. Really." All I could do was shrug.

He was a little worried my girls would just turn up at the front door, and looked at my phone the couple of times it sounded when Id received an email. I explained that I had my iPhone set so that certain sounds notified me of particular things. I also told him that when I receive a phone call from my ex, for example, Ive the got the ring tone set as a barking dog. When I get a text message from B, the notification for that is a news alert, '''cause when I receive a message from you, that certainly IS news". :)

We talked about 'mums' who cant be bothered dressing to pick their kids up for example, or don't make an effort to go out shopping and wear tracky daks and ugg boots. He said theres a woman who lives across the road like that. "Uggh" he said. And often sees mums just like that out and about...And I wondered if his wife makes an effort to just be a little more attractive or sexy. I know there are times when I don't bother... but then I don't have someone keep interested at home.

I told him if he lived with me, he'd never get any sleep, because Id always be touching him...

And before we knew it, it was 2am, and he said he had to go. We kissed and felt each other for a minute or two, and parted. As I stood, he said, "Just let me see that sexy ass", so I turned my back to him, lifted my short gown, and stuck my bum out a little. And he oh so gently held me, and kissed each cheek.

I followed him to the kitchen where he'd put his stuff...and we kissed some more. "Next time," I whispered in his ear, "let's not muck about".

And then he said "I cant come here just to fuck. Sometimes its nice just to see you."

What?

(Dwelling on that later, it totally confuses me.)

He eventually made it out the door...

And I went to get my kids. It was 2.15am.