Angry!

I'm so pissed off right now. It's 'period' time, so I'm a little more hormonal than usual anyway, which I fully acknowledge. I'm definately swinging between tearing up, and feeling rage.

I haven't worked out at the gym on a Sunday for months, but I went this morning, and man, it felt good to work some of the frustration out! When I went past B's street on the way, at 11am, his work car was out front, so I dont think he did work today after all. Afterward, I went to the shopping centre (where I go often, and where I saw B's wife once) to get a couple of things, but also on the lookout for B or his family. I wanted to say something. Once and for all. Finish things properly. Get everything out in the open. Make it so I can move on. Didn't see anyone.

This is so ridiculous to be so caught up over someone. But I am in such pain. I've never felt it like this. My house is immaculate and chores are up to date; because when Im angry, I work. I suppose that's a good thing... And keeping busy helps keep me from doing anything stupid that I might regret, like send him a whingey bitchy text, or call his house. Or something.

I have been saying to myself over and over to not contact him again in any shape or form. Fuck him.

And I dont think I can be fucked about anyone else either, ever again.

Disappointed

Its 8.15am Sunday morning.

I am very disappointed. I didn't see B last night. Or Friday night. And he worked both nights. For some reason I really expected that I would see him last night though, even though I was telling myself I wouldn't (how confusing is that?).

I drove my daughters to a party last night, and on the way home from dropping them off, I drove literally past his house. The way his work car was parked suggested that he would've of been the one driving everyone last night... but then I remembered that he said something about working this Sunday (today) for his day job, and if that were the case, he would've been too tired to stop by my place.

I understand that, I guess. But some contact would've been good.

I'm so disappointed with myself too that I didn't even reach out to touch his hand when we were together on Tuesday...

Also, I sent B a quick photo message Id taken on Friday, of some advertising Id seen, which is for one of the places he works at, and he didn't respond. :( He's had trouble receiving pictures on the main number in the past but he still would've know it was me trying to send something.

I dont know how to move on from this. I dont know how to not think about him.

Catch up

I couldn't wait any longer. I texted B this morning on my way to the once-a-month outing I have with my nan, and where B's boss also compere's. I told him where I was going and that I wanted to see him for just 5 minutes ('cause he often works in the same area as the club).

And lo and behold, he replied "Possibly". I almost fell over. He went on to tell me where he was working and that it depended on the weather.

Long story short, we texted a little over the next few hours, and he wasn't able to make it, although that wasn't confirmed til after Id left the club, and had gone 30 minutes in the opposite direction. I kept watching my map on my phone; initially it said we were only 2.7km apart... watching that distance grow as I left the club was heart breaking.

Around 3.30 he messaged me apologising, saying he'd got caught up with work (and the working around the weather) and said he could see me for "5 now though".

I replied that it would take me 20 minutes to get to where ever he was, and I suggested we meet at his mates house, M, or somewhere near. Then - another blow-me-away moment - he said he could call in to my place. And when I read that, didn't I stamp my feet and curse! My eldest daughter was home, so that wasn't an option. I replied that that would've been good (except my daughter was home) but that if he was okay, I could sit in his van.

So that's what I did.

It was nice, and easy. Sat and talked for about 1/2 hour. We didn't touch or kiss. Told him about the guy that Id been out with a few times, and that Id flicked him, and why. Then B told me about a guy he works with that he could set me up with. Bit of a crazy ex though, who apparently, when their house was on the market after they'd split, and it was sold, went in to the house and smashed all the glass. Or something. But, B said, jokingly, he probably wouldn't work out, "'cause he's 43". "And what's that supposed to mean?" I asked, but then that's when I realised the joke, and that he was having a dig at me liking younger guys. :) "Well," I said, "That would mean his real age would be about 34 then". How weird would that be? Going out with someone B works with? Makes me shudder.

I asked if his work mate M had told him we ran into each other last week and had a chat, but he said no.

I got the very strong impression that this day of the week B normally gets the afternoon's to himself. He told me his routine, and that today was different because of the weather, so he'd be doing other things, while he had the time to himself, which he was clearly looking forward to.

He told me how much he's been working. We didn't talk about our feelings for each other, or the fact that we were meeting up, although he did say he'd been going to give me a call or a message a few times, but work had been crazy. Working all week. Coming up to Christmas, he'll be working more Friday nights as well as Saturday nights, and he works his day job most Saturdays at the moment, and the occasional Sunday. Whew! And for the first time ever, he asked how my kids were.

Oh! And another thing. He actually asked how long we'd known each other? 2 years? I confirmed that it was indeed 2 years, and in fact this coming Tuesday would be the anniversary of when I first saw him. Incredible. I told him that that was nice that he'd remember something like that. He said he almost wondered if it were 3 years, but nope. Definitely 2 years.

(And I still feel the same, if not a whole lot stronger).

Beautiful eyes. Beautiful hands. Mmm.

I sent him a message about 15 minutes after he'd left saying that he had no idea how good it was to just see him, and thank you.

Kiss!

Saturday night I texted B, while I was out. I simply asked how he was doing. It was also to gauge if I thought Id be seeing him later that night. He replied he was fine and asked how I was, and I simply said "x". He replied "X !"

And no, I didn't see him.

Mrs...

I actually thought I'd hear from B today, or get a text. But nope.

On my way to a workplace orientation, still in our local area, I saw his wife in the car slowing down for the round-a-bout. Coulda waved at her as I passed, coming through the round-a-bout, if she hadn't of been looking the other way...

Drive

There has been no progression - actually there has been nothing - with B lately.

Last week, while getting petrol, I pulled in behind B's friend M (the one who lives next to my good friend). We had a bit of a chat. I looked alright that day, so I hope he "reported" me to B. Stupid huh? We didn't talk about B of course; my kids were with me too...

I met a guy online, offline, for the first time a week and a half ago. We have emailed, texted and briefly spoken. Actually, the night I met up with B, I had also had an invite to meet this guy for the first time too but I declined. Anyway, we met up a week later for a Sunday drink, and it was nice and easy. He is very simple though; no aspirations to move on, his language is simple, no other hobbies or interests other than the gym. He however seemed keen, and messaged or called me daily. We had dinner last Saturday night, and while it was a nice time, I learned more about him and my opinions were reinforced. He buys take-out almost daily for dinner, and doesn't cook anything other than spaghetti when his son comes to visit. That's not a deal breaker, but being irresponsible with money is, and he certainly shared a story or two regarding that. After dinner we went for drinks to the same placed we had been at the previous week (which is also a place I've met up with B at on a Thursday night in the past, and the same place he'd been to on his birthday, the very first night we had sex...). Anyway. We had a drink or two, and the conversation was easy, but not stimulating. We kissed, but, again, while it was... nice, there was no spark for me.

Id had already made an excuse that I had to leave a bit earlier, because I kind of knew I wasn't that keen. I went to bed around 12.30 and fell in to a very restless sleep, and woke every 20 minutes or so, checking my phone, in case there were missed messages from B. At 3am I realised I would not be hearing from him, and slept relatively fine.

:(

The next afternoon, the Sunday just gone, I had drinks at the local pub with some friends, where B often hangs. But he wasn't there...

Today, I finally changed my password on my phone to something more positive.

I still think of him constantly, but dont cry as easily. I have no doubt that I love him, but the timing is all wrong. He too is a very simple guy, and would probably except all his meals cooked for him etc, but I dont need to worry about those things. That, and the fact he is a cheat should be enough to have me move on but I cant help how I feel. I can only make more positive choices in future.

On my way to the gym tonight, I drove past his street (there is no other option unless I detour), and as I looked up the road toward his house, he was crossing the street to his work car, beer (I'm guessing) in hand, and I saw him look up (probably because my car is noisy; the exhaust needs replacing, so you can hear my car a mile away :P), and he would've seen my car for sure.

Anyway, big deal, right? I know its easier for him if he tries to keep me "outta sight", cause then "I'm outta mind".

Password

I guess have his name as the login / password for my phone (again) is - in my case - negative reinforcement??

Friend or...?

It occurred to me that the next time I see B, whenever that is, I am going to have to clarify if he's seeing me as a "friend" or a "friend with benefits"...

(I went to bed last night around 12.30am, fell into a restless sleep, and woke around 2am, and of course checked my phone for any missed messages. This is ridiculous. Just sayin'.)

Midnight

As I've said previously, I knew I wouldn't hear from B tonight... Well, really, there's still a fair amount of time where he could be in contact, but realistically, I know I wont. Of course -and obviously by writing this - it doesn't stop me wondering if I'll hear from him, or thinking about him, but I have to keep reminding myself that its unlikely.

I also have to keep reminding myself that everything will work out okay. They wont work out with B, but when I truly accept that, and can move on, other... 'opportunities' will surely present themselves. I still do not regret anything I have done with B, or my time with him, because how can I regret something that has helped me to grow, has made me become more aware of myself, has helped me enjoy sex more? And reinforced some of my beliefs and values?

And hopefully I have helped him too, in some way.

I am glad I have remained strong and have not contacted him tonight.

I know he filled a void for me, for the past... 18 months or so. And I acknowledge that I have been purely selfish in continuing this relationship. Now, if only I could do something in return for him, and that is, to leave him alone. Because if I really did love him, no matter how small, surely I would be able to put my needs aside, step back, and out of his life??

A Week

So, around this time a week ago, I heard from B.

Ive been a bit of an emotional mess today; yesterday and today Ive had a short fuse with my kids. I dreamt about my "friend'' who Ive written about (let's call him Michael). I think in the dream he made it obvious he wanted to pursue things with me. I also dreamt about a guy that I met out the other week who I have my number to, because I thought my girlfriend knew him and I figured if she knew him, he'd be okay because Id trust her with my life (turns out she met him one time out shopping or something!). He was a tad sleazy. This guy texted me a few times, but I ignored him, which I felt horrible about, and in the dream he walked by me, looked back over his shoulder at me, shook his head, and kept walking.

Yesterday I texted B about something work related. 2 brief texts each.

And I keep thinking about him. I hate it. It's like I cant switch the fucker off. And Ive had a few fat tear drops fall, as Ive been driving or whatever. I know, I absolutely KNOW, that there will never be anything more with us. I detest that he has cheated on his wife, and that he drinks so much, and I somehow push those things aside 'cause I don't need to deal with those myself. I understand now its like some kind of cycle he goes through which he would totally deny; a period of where he plays the good husband, then he starts getting itchy feet and has a night out or an opportunity to drive to his other job which would mean he could stop by my place, and then Id see him. Then he'd feel horrendously guilty for the next few weeks, and thus begins the cycle again. So that by week 6 or 7, I'd probably see him. Why do I have to think about HIM? There are plenty of guys who are single (not that I manage to meet them).

My friend 'Michael' has sent little messages here and there throughout the week, and he actually called me this morning from his work. He thought perhaps I was annoyed at him or disappointed; he's been able to sense somethings not right by my messages or lack of response. Another thing I feel totally horrible about. I told him I wasn't annoyed, but am truing to give him space to see what else is out there and get on with things. What I didn't say is that I'm also confused as all get out and am not sure what direction I want things to go with him... he starting hedging about doing something tonight, or even tomorrow night, but Fridays, as Ive already discussed, I dont go out much, and tomorrow night I'm out with a girlfriend.

Part of me wants to experience what else is out there too... just wish it was little more forthcoming. I desperately need to move on from B. Even writing just that has me sobbing.

Ive eaten too much chocolate and feel like shit. I'm only 56 kilos but feel like an elephant right now.

As Ive said, I'm out tomorrow night with a girlfriend, but have already said to her I don't want a late night or a big one for that matter because I need to be able to get stuck in to some study on Sunday, rather than spend the day recovering... part of it is due to lack of funds at the mo', but the other part, not that i will openly admit to anyone, is that I want to be within 1/2 hours distance of home should B message me.

Mostly, and realistically, I know I wont hear from him, but just in case... (and that pisses me off that I am choosing to put my life on hold, or make plans etc, around that sorry fucker of a man).

Driving

Went out this afternoon to visit family, and needed to stop by the petrol station and fill up first... As I drove past a street that I would normally turn up that leads in the general direction of where B lives, I saw his family car, and his wife at the wheel, waiting to turn in to the street I was driving on, and passed her.

I'm feeling a bit sad about everything, a tad melancholy, a tad resigned to the fact I know that things are just gonna go 'round in a vicious cycle. I wont hear from B for a few weeks now. Then he'll contact me, and he'll either come by or Ill meet him out, and we'll spend time together, and then he'll feel guilty again, and again I wont hear from him for a while.

Sigh.

Phone call

I decided to send a reply, and rather than try explain things in a text and have the meaning get lost I asked him to call me when he he was able.

We've just been on the phone, for about 20 minutes.

And all I can conclude is that he's just a plain and simple guy. He still makes excuses. And he will not be strong enough to stand up for important things.

I told him that anything I say isn't to make him feel more guilty, or worse, about things (he said he knows that). I said being female, I could talk about feelings and emotions til the cows come home, but I purposely don't say a lot of stuff. He said it wouldn't change things anyway (can he guess the depth of my feelings?). He said that he just got carried away the other night, and remembered that I sometimes go to the place he was at, and thought I may already be there. He blames "the piss", and knows he needs to stop going out, because "things have been good, you know?" and that he's been able to sleep at night. "There's obviously stuff you need to address" I said, but he says that everything is good, and that nothing needs to be looked at. He said that everythings all good when he's with me, but the next day he feels like shit and says to himself "what the fuck have I done?" I said that I didn't intend on having this kind of heavy conversation, and that I just want to keep things light and easy. I told him I don't sit around waiting for him ("oh, good!"), because I know that wont ever happen, as much as I may want it, so I try not to think about it. I said how crazy this all is, and he agrees. He said he thought for sure I would've hooked up with someone by now, and I told him about my one night stand from back in March, and that I had two offers to go out Friday night but wanted to be with him. He didn't think pursuing things with a 24 year old was a big deal. He said that when I tell him Ive met someone that would make it easier, because then he'd think 'nah, shes got someone" and he'd leave me alone. I said that I realise there's hotter and less complicated girls out there, that he could be with, and he said "No, I just need to stop getting on the piss and going out. And there is no one else. Its just wrong. I shouldn't be doing it to begin with." I said "And you know what guys are like; they just want one thing. They're either too young and its a cougar thing with me, or the older guys are not confident or something. I have had a couple of relationships, so I know what I want and don't want. It makes me sound picky, but I'm not going to settle for just anyone. And if its just about sex, I know where I can get that and it will be good." I also said something about our relationship being built on a lie, but that he doesn't need to lie to me, so if he felt like he wouldn't see me again, he should tell me now, so I'm not left wondering. But he couldn't do that. He said "I don't lie to you" but also couldn't say he wouldn't ever see me again, but was also non-committal about there being a 'next time'. I said "so, I have to ask, did you have sex of any kind with anyone in Thailand, this time, or last time you went?" and he said "nope. I didn't.". I told him that obviously if he did, I would need to know, not to judge him, but because If I end up catching anything, Id certainly be letting him know. And that because we had unprotected sex... But again, he said no. Then he asked if I was still on the pill, and I said of course, and that while that could be a problem for him (as in me getting pregnant), me getting a disease is the issue for me.

So we've agreed that he will remain in contact at least from time to time. He said he agrees that to have 'nothing' wouldn't be okay. I said it didn't have to be about sex, but just a catch up or hello is something. I said there's obviously something going on (here) with us but Ive given up trying to make sense of it.

At the end he said "Okay, so, we're sorted?" I said "yeah, all good. And again, lets make that the last time we talk heavy stuff. Lets keep it light and easy." "Sounds good," he said.

He said "talk soon" but I know it will be a while.

And, although Ive teared up, I haven't cried! Yay! :)

Clarification

Okay, so I sent a 'clarification' text.

I said I felt ridiculous for sending it, but needed to clarify, and said 'I'm NOT sorry for seeing you'. I told him he should know I would see him any time and that I enjoy whatever we do. Right or wrong bla bla bla.

A little while later he replied saying he knew what I'd said but that he cant make any promises. "I just feel bad, that's all".

I'm not going to bother replying. It would just be a verbal volleyball. If he didn't feel somewhat bad, Id be concerned. But I'm not here to judge him. And I dont want promises. Things are what they are, and that's that.

So I guess I just carry on, as I've been doing, as if he's not in my life.

I'll hear from him again, but it will be weeks before I do. :(

Stupid texting, and tones, and insinuations and interpretations...!

The last part of my reply "Coz I'm NOT sorry" he may understand to mean that "Coz I'm not seeing you again" or something.

And then there's that decision of whether to send a clarifying text, and the longer I don't send one (its only been 20 minutes since I sent it though), the more desperate it looks if I do send one, like a chaser text. A "you didn't reply immediately so where's my reply?" kind of thing.

Here's what I do know though; he may SAY he wont contact me again, but he will. But probably when he's drunk, or in a few months when he hasn't had sex for a while :(.

Sigh.

I need to find out, one way or another though, whether he had sex in Thailand, unprotected or not.

What?

B messaged me this morning, and said his injuries were fine, 'thanks for asking', and that he felt an absolute disgrace and a joke. Then he said he was sorry for texting me but it was good to see me.

??

What?

I'm not sure what to make of that. The last part, I mean.

Does he mean sorry, as in not only should he of not messaged me, but he wont again?

I've replied "Glad you're okay. Not sure what to make of what you've said though - does that mean I wont see you again? Coz I'm NOT sorry. x"

Oh, man.

Dont text!

I should know better. And I can say, again, that I really do actually know better. And from today's little bit of stupidity, I have to remember in future that I do know better...

I sent B a text around 11.30 this morning, simply saying "Injuries okay?". I was out and about running various errands, and on my way home, around an hour later, I went to drive past his house (it actually WAS on the way home, not out of my way!), but I saw his work van!

Shit shit shit!

Ive just embarrassed myself, and probably made him feel awkward too (which I realise is for him to deal with; I just have my own feelings to be responsible for).

So I know I wont get a reply. I'm shaking my head in disbelief at my impulsive action to again to contact him before he messages me. Grrr.

So, from now on, as much as possible, my vow is I will not text him on impulse, or for no real reason, or before I hear from him during the day first.

Questions!

So many questions!

So, what about the people we know, and the connections? Doesn't he worry that one day he'll be found out?

What about the guys - his mates - that see us out? What if they said something one day?Is he not concerned?

How can he of had trouble sleeping of a night, and had been thinking of ending things with me (at the time that I finished things), and yet be okay to restart our relationship?

Does he realise that I have no intention of finishing things this time? Not unless some amazing man comes and sweeps me off my feet...

Did he have sex, even oral sex, in Thailand? Did he use protection? If he did, how do I feel about that? Could I continue to see him? (If unprotected, absolutely not!)

What name does he use for me in his phone? Do I have a code name, like... "Jack"??

And why me? What is it about me that has made he come back? Is it because I'm so 'easy'? I've made myself available, and he knows Ill accommodate him and do whatever he wants??

3 hours

of heaven.

Have you ever walked in to a poorly lit public place, with other people about, looking for your special person, and not knowing exactly where they are, but somehow, you're drawn to them anyway? Somehow, out of everyone there, you recognise them immediately?

And that's how it was for me.

I walked over to where he was standing with a few other people around, and I hung back a little until he noticed I was there which he did as he was saying goodbye to a couple. They left and he kissed me hello, and gave me the hugest hug. I had to keep myself from crying. I only let go because I knew there were a couple of other guys around... B introduced me to them, and they shook my hand. But I saw they gave each other a few little looks as if to say "whats with that? Who is she?". I could feel B's eyes on me the entire time, but I wasn't sure exactly how to act, because these were guys I hadn't met before. I took a little walk around, and came back, and then offered to buy us (B and myself) a drink. He said he'd buy it, but I insisted. But! The bar was closed (it was, by this time, 12.30). Then the two friends decided to leave, and B and I went outside so he could have a smoke.

And we chat for a while, and touched and stroked, with out fawning all over each other. He loved my new hair style, and I commented on his new tattoos; he just had them done on his recent trip to Thailand. He had his kids names and birth dates done. Nice. I had noticed that there was a period his work van wasn't at his place, so he must of gone during that time. The two guys that we'd just said goodbye to were in Thailand with him, and a bunch of them had just had a catchup dinner. (What must they be thinking about me? What was B like in Thailand?)

He had had a bit to drink, but I expected as much.

He kept telling me how hot, and sexy my hair was, and how he prefers this style. He told me how much he's missed me, and that he thinks about me every day, and that just because he doesn't text me, doesn't mean I'm not on his mind.

The pub was closing, so we sat out in my car for a while (on the way to my car, he made a bit of thing about not wanting me to think he only wanted a lift from me). We talked, we kissed, we touched, and I felt at ease and completely happy.

It's insane, truly.

He had to pee, so he went off to do that, but the pub was closing and wouldn't let him in, so he disappeared around the corner, but as he walked in to the darkness, he tripped, and fell over! As I went to get out of the car and rush over to him, he got up, and walked on. He was about 50 metres away, so I figured that because he seemed okay, Id stay in the car after all...

When he made it back to the car, he stayed outside to have another smoke, and I told him Id seen he'd fallen over. Lucky he had jeans on, because even so, the skin on his left knee was broken and he was bleeding a little. He said he'd twisted his ankle too. Silly drunken billy.

He told me that they'd just bought a new bed, its huge; tall enough so his little kids cant climb in, and wide enough so he cant feel her when he's in there, and cant feel when shes getting in or out. (Actually in an odd way that made me kind of sad, that he's in that situation, but then again that's his choice).

I didn't say as much as I couldve, I guess because I was a bit stunned that we were together again, and I wanted to process things, and because I thought he may not remember some things I said if he was a tad intoxicated.

I did say that Ive thought about him everyday, I told him briefly about trying to meet other guys, but my heart just isn't in it. He'd noticed he hadn't seen me around as much (driving) and I said Id purposely been avoiding his area as much as possible. He told me he got the message about Adele, but he'd just bought the CD and thinks her whole album sounds as if she's having a big whinge but I told him Id actually been referring to the one song. :) I told him how I deliberated for days about whether to send the message to him, telling him I was still here for him.

Eventually we left there, and I drove in our direction home. If my daughters had not of been home, I would've taken him there, but instead I drove to our "spot" beside the reserve.

To get to the point, yes, we had mad sex. I admit I was hesitant, mostly because of time... but he said not to worry, so who was I to argue? Ive said it before, and Ill say it again, his kisses are to die for. And man, does he know how to touch me. But even without that, just simply being in his company is pure ease. I feel amazing, I'm aware of myself as a woman and yes, feel sexy, but with just that little bit of self consciousness to keep me on my toes. Ah... sigh.

We seemed to be more vocal, telling each other what wanted, and asking too. Although we couldve been more specific I guess, 'cause we pretty much just kept saying how we loved whatever the other person was doing! Which was certainly true for me.

I did say a couple of specific things, like I would've rather been in bed, and that I love how he plays with my hair... fuck. I'm in heaven just thinking about his hand on my hair! crazy or what!

I of course came just from him touching me. Twice. He did take a long time; no matter what I did, or what we did, it took ages before he came. His hot juice spurted in rhythm with his heart beat, on to my stomach, and even that felt amazing, and I rubbed some over my boobs.

We took our time getting dressed this time; the last couple of times in the car I've felt I've had to rush, but he just wanted to sit a bit. I wondered if he would shower when he got home. I mean, we did some nasty stuff, and we smelled of sex and sweat and smoke. But it wasn't for me to question.

I got to sleep around 3.45am.

And congratulated myself for not saying "I love you", any one of the number of times I had been about to say it to him tonight.