4 weeks

I can not believe its only been 4 weeks since the text from B telling me I had to move on.

Had the day at the club with my nan today, and the artist performing was someone B had mentioned that rainy day I sat in his car, only 5 weeks ago. He has a great gravel-type voice, and sings a variety of songs.

I sent B a message saying that I liked the gravel in his voice, and ten minutes later B replied with "He's good hey. How are you?"

I felt like I was viewing someone else life; there I am, a single mum, getting texts from a married man I've had an affair with, and still think of constantly, while watching an artist that we spoke of only recently, organised by a man who I'm 'friends' with on a social networking site, who is B's boss for his other job, and on who's 'wall' B's wife posted a pic of their gorgeous kids recently. And I'm sitting there thinking, oh my, if only you all knew...

That was 11.30am. Its 5pm now, and I didnt reply. I didnt know what to say. If I say 'great', he'll think Im moving on. If I say 'Fan-fucking-tastic', he'll realise my sarcasm, and I'll look childish. How about 'Good thanks. You?' Oh yes. Let's be utterly polite. And now that Ive not replied, I'll just look rude.

Sigh.

On the way home, I decided to pick up some groceries, and made my way to the shopping centre near B's. And wouldn't you know it, on one of the main streets, right near his house, I passed him in his work car. He had another guy with him. I saw no indication that he recognised me or my car, which is kind of good; when I renewed my registration recently, I changed the number plates, and he wouldn't know about that, unless he's driven past my house while my car has been parked.

I think I'm glad I didn't reply.

Itchy fingers

I've got increasingly itchy fingers tonight... I am so tempted to send B's wife a message of some sort, hinting at his infidelity. There was a news article published today talking about cheating, and I wanted to send her the link. I've gone to do that twice. Of course I've been thinking about the repercussions; B finding out and contacting me, splitting up their family and so on.

And I just cant do it.

As much as I dont agree that he's cheated and stayed with her, I also dont want him hurt, or, and perhaps more importantly, their children hurt. I've just seen a picture she's posted on a mutual friends 'wall' and they're truly gorgeous kids. And that was probably the push I needed to not send her a message, anonymously or otherwise.

I've have been sleeping better of a night, but still check my phone for any missed messages or calls from him as soon as I wake (on the weekends).

I went to join a dating site again, but really am wondering what the point is.

Some thing has got to change, and it needs to be how I view things.

On one level I know I need to accept what we had for the experience that it was, and just move on. But there are so many reasons why its just not that simple with the main one being that I just dont get to go anywhere or do anything where I am able to meet others.

Ideas?

Fast Cars Are White

Had to visit some family in an area where I know B works, which he'd also said only 3 or 4 weeks ago that he'd be working in 'for week yet'. That Tuesday we were meant to meet up (and where he ended up meeting out front of my house), he'd actually given me the name of a main street in this suburb, so today, on my way to family, I drove around a little, looking for him. What would I of done if I'd seen him? Who the hell knows.

When I didn't find him in one area (although I did see some other vehicles related to his industry), I thought Id have a drive and look around.

Suddenly I asked myself "how ridiculous am I?" What stupid behaviour. Driving around, not even knowing if he would be anywhere, and even if he were, we're meant to be finished and he's not meant to see me anyway.

And then, I turned my car around and went to the first family's house I was visiting.

Later today, after grocery shipping, I detoured just slightly, and drove past his house. I remembered he said that Tuesday afternoons he has to himself. The garage was open, and I saw his 'new' car. A gorgeous white Mustang.

Loving Christina Perri's song, Jar of Hearts, at the moment. Particularly the lines:

"It took so long just to feel all right,

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed..."

It makes me cry. As much as I do wish we never had started anything, I also do not regret our time.

The next line is

" 'Cause you broke all your promises.

And now you're back,

You dont get to get me back."

Well, he certainly never made any promises, to his credit I guess. And he wont be wanting me or coming back either, that's for sure.

:(

Tears

I just watched an episode from a TV series, and in tonight's viewing, the husband confesses he recently had an affair. He does this while they're on a weekend break, in celebration of the 16 year wedding anniversary. The wife has mixed feelings, as she also had an affair, the night before the anniversary weekend, while away at a work conference.

There is irony in watching that, for me.

B and his wife have their anniversary this month. I'm not sure that its actual married time; think its the length of time they've been together.

In the show, one of the things the wife talks about, is the youth of the girl her husband was with. Well, I know that's one thing that doesn't apply to me, given that I'm 7 years older than B.

I was crying watching the show. The whole relationship think is fucked. Who can you trust. Why do things have to end, or change, or go wrong, or hurt.

I so want to message him; he'd be at his night job tonight. I'm childless the rest of the weekend.

Am I'm lonely for him.

A crazy moment

I still find myself having mini-conversations with B, outloud or in my head. Still think about him. A lot. And you know what? Its only just over 2 weeks since that phone call, and those texts. Feels like a goddamn lifetime.

I also think he and the fam have gone away for a week or something. Haven't seen the work van at his house when I normally may, or their other car. Perhaps for their anniversary? Bleh. Makes me dry wretch.

This afternoon, on the way to pick up my kids from school, I saw a car a few cars in front that looked liked his work van. I was meant to turn off, but instead I followed it. A few streets on from where I was meant to turn, I figured he may of turned to go to his work mates, M, but the van kept going straight. It was also an hour earlier than he normally finishes. Still, I followed. We came to a set of lights, and finally I could see the number plate. And other 'identifying' details. And it wasnt him. Im such a scatterbrain. Turned the car around, and picked the kids up.

Over

It's Sunday 13 November.

11 days ago, on 2nd November, 2 years to the day that I first laid eyes on him, our... 'relationship' ended.

Earlier in the morning I had sent B a very simple text: "x". Given that he was the one to remember the week before that it would be 2 years since we'd met, I figured he understand the significance of the text.

I went on a ladies day out to the races, as part of a national event. Because I don't get out much, and also because I don't drink alcohol often, it doesn't take me many drinks to feel the effects...

Around 2pm, when I still hadn't received any kind of reply, I called him. I suppose the alcohol gave me false courage. He asked if Id been drinking and I asked if I sounded like I had been. No, he said. I told him I had only had a couple, and that yes, I probably wouldn't of called him otherwise. He chuckled.

The short of it all is that I made a complete fool of myself. I reminded him that not only was it our anniversary, it was also his and his wife's this month. "Ah yes", he said, "thanks for reminding me". I told him a friend of mine had gone to the place he works of a night, and had seen him perform, and even without knowing our association, she had commented on how he seemed a bit of a player. Of course he denied it. During the same phone call, he again tried to set me up with his work mate R, who he has mentioned (and who've Ive met) on previous occasions. I was quite pissed off at that. I cant remember now how the phone call ended.

I was upset, and had to hide my sadness from my girlfriends. I went to the ladies bathroom and cried. Stupid. Stupid.

Then I sent a long text. Two years and I don't think about anyone else. Surrounded by hotties and I don't care. Wouldn't go out with anyone you know coz would feel like I'm cheating. On you. Bizarre. I shouldn't of called you. Sorry to bother you.

He replied. Told me I had to move on, and that someone would be stoked to have me.

Really? Would they? Where the fuck are they then? It took my 38 fucking years to find someone to make me feel passion, and finally understand and experience the things written about in books. Don't know if Ill ever find that again.

I replied "Yes I do" (need to move on), "but I'm not looking. I cant be fucked."

And that was the last time we have been in contact.

I am devastated, of course. My heart is broken. But I'm definitely more resigned and accepting this time. Of course I know its for the best.

Shame it had to end like that.

I still drive by his house occasionally. And I think about him constantly.

But all I can do is shrug. And keep going.