Christmas!

I saw him today. My kids had gone to their dads, and I was driving to Christmas lunch with my relo's. I drove up the street before his, and as I came to the round-a-bout, there he was in his car, along with the family. There were no other cars. Because he was on my right, he had the right of way, but I followed closely him through. I turned off though in the direction he'd originally come from.

Now remember, my number plates are different. I dont know if knows that or not. He would've taken a look at my car though, for being similar, so...but I dont know. His car has tinted windows, so I couldn't quite make out if he was looking back in his mirrors or what.

I was shaking for a few minutes after that. A bit of irony in that I saw him today...

Hey!

"Yeah you too!"

I received his reply just before midnight.

No reply

I still think of B every day. More than once a day. In fact, still, quite often. Further, the last 2 mornings I've woken around 4am, simply thinking of him, and last night in particular, could'nt go back to sleep for more than a hour.

I haven't seen him for - what? 3 months now? I haven't heard from him for more than 2 weeks, when he asked how I was.

I sent him a message this afternoon just wishing him a fab Christmas, and hoping 2012 is better for him than 2011.

Well, it's 7.5 hours since then, and he's not replied. He is working his night job, so...

That makes me so sad.

We're now at 'no reply'.

:*(

I messaged him Friday night while I was out at a Christmas party. Told him that that artist had sent me a friend request... It's Sunday night, and the bugger didnt reply. Payback?

I had a little cry today. I'm missing him so badly. And yes, Im missing sex. Actually, to be honest I just want to fuck. But if it were a matter of 'just sex' I could make that happen with some random dude.

I went to the local pub this evening; didn't see B there though. I also have some guy who starting in-boxing me, and friended me, because we have a mutual friend, and now he wont leave me alone, even though we haven't actually met. He's called a few times, as well as texted. Its actually put me off a little.

Then there's my friend that I've known for a while, also a B (but cant remember what I've referred to him as on here). He - without doubt - contacts me every 2 weeks or so. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He called yesterday, left a message about doing something this arvo, so I called him back last night, and we had a quick chat, and then he said he'd buzz me in the morning (today) to see where things were at. He didn't call til 2.30. Said his phone was flat, and he'd gone out with his daughters so hadn't had a chance to call. I said Id waited for his call, but ended up making other arrangements. And thus, why I went to our local pub. A guy from the gym goes for a drink every Sunday arvo, with his wife, and we get on well.

So, lots going on, but not much either.

I just want B...

4 weeks

I can not believe its only been 4 weeks since the text from B telling me I had to move on.

Had the day at the club with my nan today, and the artist performing was someone B had mentioned that rainy day I sat in his car, only 5 weeks ago. He has a great gravel-type voice, and sings a variety of songs.

I sent B a message saying that I liked the gravel in his voice, and ten minutes later B replied with "He's good hey. How are you?"

I felt like I was viewing someone else life; there I am, a single mum, getting texts from a married man I've had an affair with, and still think of constantly, while watching an artist that we spoke of only recently, organised by a man who I'm 'friends' with on a social networking site, who is B's boss for his other job, and on who's 'wall' B's wife posted a pic of their gorgeous kids recently. And I'm sitting there thinking, oh my, if only you all knew...

That was 11.30am. Its 5pm now, and I didnt reply. I didnt know what to say. If I say 'great', he'll think Im moving on. If I say 'Fan-fucking-tastic', he'll realise my sarcasm, and I'll look childish. How about 'Good thanks. You?' Oh yes. Let's be utterly polite. And now that Ive not replied, I'll just look rude.

Sigh.

On the way home, I decided to pick up some groceries, and made my way to the shopping centre near B's. And wouldn't you know it, on one of the main streets, right near his house, I passed him in his work car. He had another guy with him. I saw no indication that he recognised me or my car, which is kind of good; when I renewed my registration recently, I changed the number plates, and he wouldn't know about that, unless he's driven past my house while my car has been parked.

I think I'm glad I didn't reply.

Itchy fingers

I've got increasingly itchy fingers tonight... I am so tempted to send B's wife a message of some sort, hinting at his infidelity. There was a news article published today talking about cheating, and I wanted to send her the link. I've gone to do that twice. Of course I've been thinking about the repercussions; B finding out and contacting me, splitting up their family and so on.

And I just cant do it.

As much as I dont agree that he's cheated and stayed with her, I also dont want him hurt, or, and perhaps more importantly, their children hurt. I've just seen a picture she's posted on a mutual friends 'wall' and they're truly gorgeous kids. And that was probably the push I needed to not send her a message, anonymously or otherwise.

I've have been sleeping better of a night, but still check my phone for any missed messages or calls from him as soon as I wake (on the weekends).

I went to join a dating site again, but really am wondering what the point is.

Some thing has got to change, and it needs to be how I view things.

On one level I know I need to accept what we had for the experience that it was, and just move on. But there are so many reasons why its just not that simple with the main one being that I just dont get to go anywhere or do anything where I am able to meet others.

Ideas?

Fast Cars Are White

Had to visit some family in an area where I know B works, which he'd also said only 3 or 4 weeks ago that he'd be working in 'for week yet'. That Tuesday we were meant to meet up (and where he ended up meeting out front of my house), he'd actually given me the name of a main street in this suburb, so today, on my way to family, I drove around a little, looking for him. What would I of done if I'd seen him? Who the hell knows.

When I didn't find him in one area (although I did see some other vehicles related to his industry), I thought Id have a drive and look around.

Suddenly I asked myself "how ridiculous am I?" What stupid behaviour. Driving around, not even knowing if he would be anywhere, and even if he were, we're meant to be finished and he's not meant to see me anyway.

And then, I turned my car around and went to the first family's house I was visiting.

Later today, after grocery shipping, I detoured just slightly, and drove past his house. I remembered he said that Tuesday afternoons he has to himself. The garage was open, and I saw his 'new' car. A gorgeous white Mustang.

Loving Christina Perri's song, Jar of Hearts, at the moment. Particularly the lines:

"It took so long just to feel all right,

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed..."

It makes me cry. As much as I do wish we never had started anything, I also do not regret our time.

The next line is

" 'Cause you broke all your promises.

And now you're back,

You dont get to get me back."

Well, he certainly never made any promises, to his credit I guess. And he wont be wanting me or coming back either, that's for sure.

:(

Tears

I just watched an episode from a TV series, and in tonight's viewing, the husband confesses he recently had an affair. He does this while they're on a weekend break, in celebration of the 16 year wedding anniversary. The wife has mixed feelings, as she also had an affair, the night before the anniversary weekend, while away at a work conference.

There is irony in watching that, for me.

B and his wife have their anniversary this month. I'm not sure that its actual married time; think its the length of time they've been together.

In the show, one of the things the wife talks about, is the youth of the girl her husband was with. Well, I know that's one thing that doesn't apply to me, given that I'm 7 years older than B.

I was crying watching the show. The whole relationship think is fucked. Who can you trust. Why do things have to end, or change, or go wrong, or hurt.

I so want to message him; he'd be at his night job tonight. I'm childless the rest of the weekend.

Am I'm lonely for him.

A crazy moment

I still find myself having mini-conversations with B, outloud or in my head. Still think about him. A lot. And you know what? Its only just over 2 weeks since that phone call, and those texts. Feels like a goddamn lifetime.

I also think he and the fam have gone away for a week or something. Haven't seen the work van at his house when I normally may, or their other car. Perhaps for their anniversary? Bleh. Makes me dry wretch.

This afternoon, on the way to pick up my kids from school, I saw a car a few cars in front that looked liked his work van. I was meant to turn off, but instead I followed it. A few streets on from where I was meant to turn, I figured he may of turned to go to his work mates, M, but the van kept going straight. It was also an hour earlier than he normally finishes. Still, I followed. We came to a set of lights, and finally I could see the number plate. And other 'identifying' details. And it wasnt him. Im such a scatterbrain. Turned the car around, and picked the kids up.

Over

It's Sunday 13 November.

11 days ago, on 2nd November, 2 years to the day that I first laid eyes on him, our... 'relationship' ended.

Earlier in the morning I had sent B a very simple text: "x". Given that he was the one to remember the week before that it would be 2 years since we'd met, I figured he understand the significance of the text.

I went on a ladies day out to the races, as part of a national event. Because I don't get out much, and also because I don't drink alcohol often, it doesn't take me many drinks to feel the effects...

Around 2pm, when I still hadn't received any kind of reply, I called him. I suppose the alcohol gave me false courage. He asked if Id been drinking and I asked if I sounded like I had been. No, he said. I told him I had only had a couple, and that yes, I probably wouldn't of called him otherwise. He chuckled.

The short of it all is that I made a complete fool of myself. I reminded him that not only was it our anniversary, it was also his and his wife's this month. "Ah yes", he said, "thanks for reminding me". I told him a friend of mine had gone to the place he works of a night, and had seen him perform, and even without knowing our association, she had commented on how he seemed a bit of a player. Of course he denied it. During the same phone call, he again tried to set me up with his work mate R, who he has mentioned (and who've Ive met) on previous occasions. I was quite pissed off at that. I cant remember now how the phone call ended.

I was upset, and had to hide my sadness from my girlfriends. I went to the ladies bathroom and cried. Stupid. Stupid.

Then I sent a long text. Two years and I don't think about anyone else. Surrounded by hotties and I don't care. Wouldn't go out with anyone you know coz would feel like I'm cheating. On you. Bizarre. I shouldn't of called you. Sorry to bother you.

He replied. Told me I had to move on, and that someone would be stoked to have me.

Really? Would they? Where the fuck are they then? It took my 38 fucking years to find someone to make me feel passion, and finally understand and experience the things written about in books. Don't know if Ill ever find that again.

I replied "Yes I do" (need to move on), "but I'm not looking. I cant be fucked."

And that was the last time we have been in contact.

I am devastated, of course. My heart is broken. But I'm definitely more resigned and accepting this time. Of course I know its for the best.

Shame it had to end like that.

I still drive by his house occasionally. And I think about him constantly.

But all I can do is shrug. And keep going.

Angry!

I'm so pissed off right now. It's 'period' time, so I'm a little more hormonal than usual anyway, which I fully acknowledge. I'm definately swinging between tearing up, and feeling rage.

I haven't worked out at the gym on a Sunday for months, but I went this morning, and man, it felt good to work some of the frustration out! When I went past B's street on the way, at 11am, his work car was out front, so I dont think he did work today after all. Afterward, I went to the shopping centre (where I go often, and where I saw B's wife once) to get a couple of things, but also on the lookout for B or his family. I wanted to say something. Once and for all. Finish things properly. Get everything out in the open. Make it so I can move on. Didn't see anyone.

This is so ridiculous to be so caught up over someone. But I am in such pain. I've never felt it like this. My house is immaculate and chores are up to date; because when Im angry, I work. I suppose that's a good thing... And keeping busy helps keep me from doing anything stupid that I might regret, like send him a whingey bitchy text, or call his house. Or something.

I have been saying to myself over and over to not contact him again in any shape or form. Fuck him.

And I dont think I can be fucked about anyone else either, ever again.

Disappointed

Its 8.15am Sunday morning.

I am very disappointed. I didn't see B last night. Or Friday night. And he worked both nights. For some reason I really expected that I would see him last night though, even though I was telling myself I wouldn't (how confusing is that?).

I drove my daughters to a party last night, and on the way home from dropping them off, I drove literally past his house. The way his work car was parked suggested that he would've of been the one driving everyone last night... but then I remembered that he said something about working this Sunday (today) for his day job, and if that were the case, he would've been too tired to stop by my place.

I understand that, I guess. But some contact would've been good.

I'm so disappointed with myself too that I didn't even reach out to touch his hand when we were together on Tuesday...

Also, I sent B a quick photo message Id taken on Friday, of some advertising Id seen, which is for one of the places he works at, and he didn't respond. :( He's had trouble receiving pictures on the main number in the past but he still would've know it was me trying to send something.

I dont know how to move on from this. I dont know how to not think about him.

Catch up

I couldn't wait any longer. I texted B this morning on my way to the once-a-month outing I have with my nan, and where B's boss also compere's. I told him where I was going and that I wanted to see him for just 5 minutes ('cause he often works in the same area as the club).

And lo and behold, he replied "Possibly". I almost fell over. He went on to tell me where he was working and that it depended on the weather.

Long story short, we texted a little over the next few hours, and he wasn't able to make it, although that wasn't confirmed til after Id left the club, and had gone 30 minutes in the opposite direction. I kept watching my map on my phone; initially it said we were only 2.7km apart... watching that distance grow as I left the club was heart breaking.

Around 3.30 he messaged me apologising, saying he'd got caught up with work (and the working around the weather) and said he could see me for "5 now though".

I replied that it would take me 20 minutes to get to where ever he was, and I suggested we meet at his mates house, M, or somewhere near. Then - another blow-me-away moment - he said he could call in to my place. And when I read that, didn't I stamp my feet and curse! My eldest daughter was home, so that wasn't an option. I replied that that would've been good (except my daughter was home) but that if he was okay, I could sit in his van.

So that's what I did.

It was nice, and easy. Sat and talked for about 1/2 hour. We didn't touch or kiss. Told him about the guy that Id been out with a few times, and that Id flicked him, and why. Then B told me about a guy he works with that he could set me up with. Bit of a crazy ex though, who apparently, when their house was on the market after they'd split, and it was sold, went in to the house and smashed all the glass. Or something. But, B said, jokingly, he probably wouldn't work out, "'cause he's 43". "And what's that supposed to mean?" I asked, but then that's when I realised the joke, and that he was having a dig at me liking younger guys. :) "Well," I said, "That would mean his real age would be about 34 then". How weird would that be? Going out with someone B works with? Makes me shudder.

I asked if his work mate M had told him we ran into each other last week and had a chat, but he said no.

I got the very strong impression that this day of the week B normally gets the afternoon's to himself. He told me his routine, and that today was different because of the weather, so he'd be doing other things, while he had the time to himself, which he was clearly looking forward to.

He told me how much he's been working. We didn't talk about our feelings for each other, or the fact that we were meeting up, although he did say he'd been going to give me a call or a message a few times, but work had been crazy. Working all week. Coming up to Christmas, he'll be working more Friday nights as well as Saturday nights, and he works his day job most Saturdays at the moment, and the occasional Sunday. Whew! And for the first time ever, he asked how my kids were.

Oh! And another thing. He actually asked how long we'd known each other? 2 years? I confirmed that it was indeed 2 years, and in fact this coming Tuesday would be the anniversary of when I first saw him. Incredible. I told him that that was nice that he'd remember something like that. He said he almost wondered if it were 3 years, but nope. Definitely 2 years.

(And I still feel the same, if not a whole lot stronger).

Beautiful eyes. Beautiful hands. Mmm.

I sent him a message about 15 minutes after he'd left saying that he had no idea how good it was to just see him, and thank you.

Kiss!

Saturday night I texted B, while I was out. I simply asked how he was doing. It was also to gauge if I thought Id be seeing him later that night. He replied he was fine and asked how I was, and I simply said "x". He replied "X !"

And no, I didn't see him.

Mrs...

I actually thought I'd hear from B today, or get a text. But nope.

On my way to a workplace orientation, still in our local area, I saw his wife in the car slowing down for the round-a-bout. Coulda waved at her as I passed, coming through the round-a-bout, if she hadn't of been looking the other way...

Drive

There has been no progression - actually there has been nothing - with B lately.

Last week, while getting petrol, I pulled in behind B's friend M (the one who lives next to my good friend). We had a bit of a chat. I looked alright that day, so I hope he "reported" me to B. Stupid huh? We didn't talk about B of course; my kids were with me too...

I met a guy online, offline, for the first time a week and a half ago. We have emailed, texted and briefly spoken. Actually, the night I met up with B, I had also had an invite to meet this guy for the first time too but I declined. Anyway, we met up a week later for a Sunday drink, and it was nice and easy. He is very simple though; no aspirations to move on, his language is simple, no other hobbies or interests other than the gym. He however seemed keen, and messaged or called me daily. We had dinner last Saturday night, and while it was a nice time, I learned more about him and my opinions were reinforced. He buys take-out almost daily for dinner, and doesn't cook anything other than spaghetti when his son comes to visit. That's not a deal breaker, but being irresponsible with money is, and he certainly shared a story or two regarding that. After dinner we went for drinks to the same placed we had been at the previous week (which is also a place I've met up with B at on a Thursday night in the past, and the same place he'd been to on his birthday, the very first night we had sex...). Anyway. We had a drink or two, and the conversation was easy, but not stimulating. We kissed, but, again, while it was... nice, there was no spark for me.

Id had already made an excuse that I had to leave a bit earlier, because I kind of knew I wasn't that keen. I went to bed around 12.30 and fell in to a very restless sleep, and woke every 20 minutes or so, checking my phone, in case there were missed messages from B. At 3am I realised I would not be hearing from him, and slept relatively fine.

:(

The next afternoon, the Sunday just gone, I had drinks at the local pub with some friends, where B often hangs. But he wasn't there...

Today, I finally changed my password on my phone to something more positive.

I still think of him constantly, but dont cry as easily. I have no doubt that I love him, but the timing is all wrong. He too is a very simple guy, and would probably except all his meals cooked for him etc, but I dont need to worry about those things. That, and the fact he is a cheat should be enough to have me move on but I cant help how I feel. I can only make more positive choices in future.

On my way to the gym tonight, I drove past his street (there is no other option unless I detour), and as I looked up the road toward his house, he was crossing the street to his work car, beer (I'm guessing) in hand, and I saw him look up (probably because my car is noisy; the exhaust needs replacing, so you can hear my car a mile away :P), and he would've seen my car for sure.

Anyway, big deal, right? I know its easier for him if he tries to keep me "outta sight", cause then "I'm outta mind".

Password

I guess have his name as the login / password for my phone (again) is - in my case - negative reinforcement??

Friend or...?

It occurred to me that the next time I see B, whenever that is, I am going to have to clarify if he's seeing me as a "friend" or a "friend with benefits"...

(I went to bed last night around 12.30am, fell into a restless sleep, and woke around 2am, and of course checked my phone for any missed messages. This is ridiculous. Just sayin'.)

Midnight

As I've said previously, I knew I wouldn't hear from B tonight... Well, really, there's still a fair amount of time where he could be in contact, but realistically, I know I wont. Of course -and obviously by writing this - it doesn't stop me wondering if I'll hear from him, or thinking about him, but I have to keep reminding myself that its unlikely.

I also have to keep reminding myself that everything will work out okay. They wont work out with B, but when I truly accept that, and can move on, other... 'opportunities' will surely present themselves. I still do not regret anything I have done with B, or my time with him, because how can I regret something that has helped me to grow, has made me become more aware of myself, has helped me enjoy sex more? And reinforced some of my beliefs and values?

And hopefully I have helped him too, in some way.

I am glad I have remained strong and have not contacted him tonight.

I know he filled a void for me, for the past... 18 months or so. And I acknowledge that I have been purely selfish in continuing this relationship. Now, if only I could do something in return for him, and that is, to leave him alone. Because if I really did love him, no matter how small, surely I would be able to put my needs aside, step back, and out of his life??

A Week

So, around this time a week ago, I heard from B.

Ive been a bit of an emotional mess today; yesterday and today Ive had a short fuse with my kids. I dreamt about my "friend'' who Ive written about (let's call him Michael). I think in the dream he made it obvious he wanted to pursue things with me. I also dreamt about a guy that I met out the other week who I have my number to, because I thought my girlfriend knew him and I figured if she knew him, he'd be okay because Id trust her with my life (turns out she met him one time out shopping or something!). He was a tad sleazy. This guy texted me a few times, but I ignored him, which I felt horrible about, and in the dream he walked by me, looked back over his shoulder at me, shook his head, and kept walking.

Yesterday I texted B about something work related. 2 brief texts each.

And I keep thinking about him. I hate it. It's like I cant switch the fucker off. And Ive had a few fat tear drops fall, as Ive been driving or whatever. I know, I absolutely KNOW, that there will never be anything more with us. I detest that he has cheated on his wife, and that he drinks so much, and I somehow push those things aside 'cause I don't need to deal with those myself. I understand now its like some kind of cycle he goes through which he would totally deny; a period of where he plays the good husband, then he starts getting itchy feet and has a night out or an opportunity to drive to his other job which would mean he could stop by my place, and then Id see him. Then he'd feel horrendously guilty for the next few weeks, and thus begins the cycle again. So that by week 6 or 7, I'd probably see him. Why do I have to think about HIM? There are plenty of guys who are single (not that I manage to meet them).

My friend 'Michael' has sent little messages here and there throughout the week, and he actually called me this morning from his work. He thought perhaps I was annoyed at him or disappointed; he's been able to sense somethings not right by my messages or lack of response. Another thing I feel totally horrible about. I told him I wasn't annoyed, but am truing to give him space to see what else is out there and get on with things. What I didn't say is that I'm also confused as all get out and am not sure what direction I want things to go with him... he starting hedging about doing something tonight, or even tomorrow night, but Fridays, as Ive already discussed, I dont go out much, and tomorrow night I'm out with a girlfriend.

Part of me wants to experience what else is out there too... just wish it was little more forthcoming. I desperately need to move on from B. Even writing just that has me sobbing.

Ive eaten too much chocolate and feel like shit. I'm only 56 kilos but feel like an elephant right now.

As Ive said, I'm out tomorrow night with a girlfriend, but have already said to her I don't want a late night or a big one for that matter because I need to be able to get stuck in to some study on Sunday, rather than spend the day recovering... part of it is due to lack of funds at the mo', but the other part, not that i will openly admit to anyone, is that I want to be within 1/2 hours distance of home should B message me.

Mostly, and realistically, I know I wont hear from him, but just in case... (and that pisses me off that I am choosing to put my life on hold, or make plans etc, around that sorry fucker of a man).

Driving

Went out this afternoon to visit family, and needed to stop by the petrol station and fill up first... As I drove past a street that I would normally turn up that leads in the general direction of where B lives, I saw his family car, and his wife at the wheel, waiting to turn in to the street I was driving on, and passed her.

I'm feeling a bit sad about everything, a tad melancholy, a tad resigned to the fact I know that things are just gonna go 'round in a vicious cycle. I wont hear from B for a few weeks now. Then he'll contact me, and he'll either come by or Ill meet him out, and we'll spend time together, and then he'll feel guilty again, and again I wont hear from him for a while.

Sigh.

Phone call

I decided to send a reply, and rather than try explain things in a text and have the meaning get lost I asked him to call me when he he was able.

We've just been on the phone, for about 20 minutes.

And all I can conclude is that he's just a plain and simple guy. He still makes excuses. And he will not be strong enough to stand up for important things.

I told him that anything I say isn't to make him feel more guilty, or worse, about things (he said he knows that). I said being female, I could talk about feelings and emotions til the cows come home, but I purposely don't say a lot of stuff. He said it wouldn't change things anyway (can he guess the depth of my feelings?). He said that he just got carried away the other night, and remembered that I sometimes go to the place he was at, and thought I may already be there. He blames "the piss", and knows he needs to stop going out, because "things have been good, you know?" and that he's been able to sleep at night. "There's obviously stuff you need to address" I said, but he says that everything is good, and that nothing needs to be looked at. He said that everythings all good when he's with me, but the next day he feels like shit and says to himself "what the fuck have I done?" I said that I didn't intend on having this kind of heavy conversation, and that I just want to keep things light and easy. I told him I don't sit around waiting for him ("oh, good!"), because I know that wont ever happen, as much as I may want it, so I try not to think about it. I said how crazy this all is, and he agrees. He said he thought for sure I would've hooked up with someone by now, and I told him about my one night stand from back in March, and that I had two offers to go out Friday night but wanted to be with him. He didn't think pursuing things with a 24 year old was a big deal. He said that when I tell him Ive met someone that would make it easier, because then he'd think 'nah, shes got someone" and he'd leave me alone. I said that I realise there's hotter and less complicated girls out there, that he could be with, and he said "No, I just need to stop getting on the piss and going out. And there is no one else. Its just wrong. I shouldn't be doing it to begin with." I said "And you know what guys are like; they just want one thing. They're either too young and its a cougar thing with me, or the older guys are not confident or something. I have had a couple of relationships, so I know what I want and don't want. It makes me sound picky, but I'm not going to settle for just anyone. And if its just about sex, I know where I can get that and it will be good." I also said something about our relationship being built on a lie, but that he doesn't need to lie to me, so if he felt like he wouldn't see me again, he should tell me now, so I'm not left wondering. But he couldn't do that. He said "I don't lie to you" but also couldn't say he wouldn't ever see me again, but was also non-committal about there being a 'next time'. I said "so, I have to ask, did you have sex of any kind with anyone in Thailand, this time, or last time you went?" and he said "nope. I didn't.". I told him that obviously if he did, I would need to know, not to judge him, but because If I end up catching anything, Id certainly be letting him know. And that because we had unprotected sex... But again, he said no. Then he asked if I was still on the pill, and I said of course, and that while that could be a problem for him (as in me getting pregnant), me getting a disease is the issue for me.

So we've agreed that he will remain in contact at least from time to time. He said he agrees that to have 'nothing' wouldn't be okay. I said it didn't have to be about sex, but just a catch up or hello is something. I said there's obviously something going on (here) with us but Ive given up trying to make sense of it.

At the end he said "Okay, so, we're sorted?" I said "yeah, all good. And again, lets make that the last time we talk heavy stuff. Lets keep it light and easy." "Sounds good," he said.

He said "talk soon" but I know it will be a while.

And, although Ive teared up, I haven't cried! Yay! :)

Clarification

Okay, so I sent a 'clarification' text.

I said I felt ridiculous for sending it, but needed to clarify, and said 'I'm NOT sorry for seeing you'. I told him he should know I would see him any time and that I enjoy whatever we do. Right or wrong bla bla bla.

A little while later he replied saying he knew what I'd said but that he cant make any promises. "I just feel bad, that's all".

I'm not going to bother replying. It would just be a verbal volleyball. If he didn't feel somewhat bad, Id be concerned. But I'm not here to judge him. And I dont want promises. Things are what they are, and that's that.

So I guess I just carry on, as I've been doing, as if he's not in my life.

I'll hear from him again, but it will be weeks before I do. :(

Stupid texting, and tones, and insinuations and interpretations...!

The last part of my reply "Coz I'm NOT sorry" he may understand to mean that "Coz I'm not seeing you again" or something.

And then there's that decision of whether to send a clarifying text, and the longer I don't send one (its only been 20 minutes since I sent it though), the more desperate it looks if I do send one, like a chaser text. A "you didn't reply immediately so where's my reply?" kind of thing.

Here's what I do know though; he may SAY he wont contact me again, but he will. But probably when he's drunk, or in a few months when he hasn't had sex for a while :(.

Sigh.

I need to find out, one way or another though, whether he had sex in Thailand, unprotected or not.

What?

B messaged me this morning, and said his injuries were fine, 'thanks for asking', and that he felt an absolute disgrace and a joke. Then he said he was sorry for texting me but it was good to see me.

??

What?

I'm not sure what to make of that. The last part, I mean.

Does he mean sorry, as in not only should he of not messaged me, but he wont again?

I've replied "Glad you're okay. Not sure what to make of what you've said though - does that mean I wont see you again? Coz I'm NOT sorry. x"

Oh, man.

Dont text!

I should know better. And I can say, again, that I really do actually know better. And from today's little bit of stupidity, I have to remember in future that I do know better...

I sent B a text around 11.30 this morning, simply saying "Injuries okay?". I was out and about running various errands, and on my way home, around an hour later, I went to drive past his house (it actually WAS on the way home, not out of my way!), but I saw his work van!

Shit shit shit!

Ive just embarrassed myself, and probably made him feel awkward too (which I realise is for him to deal with; I just have my own feelings to be responsible for).

So I know I wont get a reply. I'm shaking my head in disbelief at my impulsive action to again to contact him before he messages me. Grrr.

So, from now on, as much as possible, my vow is I will not text him on impulse, or for no real reason, or before I hear from him during the day first.

Questions!

So many questions!

So, what about the people we know, and the connections? Doesn't he worry that one day he'll be found out?

What about the guys - his mates - that see us out? What if they said something one day?Is he not concerned?

How can he of had trouble sleeping of a night, and had been thinking of ending things with me (at the time that I finished things), and yet be okay to restart our relationship?

Does he realise that I have no intention of finishing things this time? Not unless some amazing man comes and sweeps me off my feet...

Did he have sex, even oral sex, in Thailand? Did he use protection? If he did, how do I feel about that? Could I continue to see him? (If unprotected, absolutely not!)

What name does he use for me in his phone? Do I have a code name, like... "Jack"??

And why me? What is it about me that has made he come back? Is it because I'm so 'easy'? I've made myself available, and he knows Ill accommodate him and do whatever he wants??

3 hours

of heaven.

Have you ever walked in to a poorly lit public place, with other people about, looking for your special person, and not knowing exactly where they are, but somehow, you're drawn to them anyway? Somehow, out of everyone there, you recognise them immediately?

And that's how it was for me.

I walked over to where he was standing with a few other people around, and I hung back a little until he noticed I was there which he did as he was saying goodbye to a couple. They left and he kissed me hello, and gave me the hugest hug. I had to keep myself from crying. I only let go because I knew there were a couple of other guys around... B introduced me to them, and they shook my hand. But I saw they gave each other a few little looks as if to say "whats with that? Who is she?". I could feel B's eyes on me the entire time, but I wasn't sure exactly how to act, because these were guys I hadn't met before. I took a little walk around, and came back, and then offered to buy us (B and myself) a drink. He said he'd buy it, but I insisted. But! The bar was closed (it was, by this time, 12.30). Then the two friends decided to leave, and B and I went outside so he could have a smoke.

And we chat for a while, and touched and stroked, with out fawning all over each other. He loved my new hair style, and I commented on his new tattoos; he just had them done on his recent trip to Thailand. He had his kids names and birth dates done. Nice. I had noticed that there was a period his work van wasn't at his place, so he must of gone during that time. The two guys that we'd just said goodbye to were in Thailand with him, and a bunch of them had just had a catchup dinner. (What must they be thinking about me? What was B like in Thailand?)

He had had a bit to drink, but I expected as much.

He kept telling me how hot, and sexy my hair was, and how he prefers this style. He told me how much he's missed me, and that he thinks about me every day, and that just because he doesn't text me, doesn't mean I'm not on his mind.

The pub was closing, so we sat out in my car for a while (on the way to my car, he made a bit of thing about not wanting me to think he only wanted a lift from me). We talked, we kissed, we touched, and I felt at ease and completely happy.

It's insane, truly.

He had to pee, so he went off to do that, but the pub was closing and wouldn't let him in, so he disappeared around the corner, but as he walked in to the darkness, he tripped, and fell over! As I went to get out of the car and rush over to him, he got up, and walked on. He was about 50 metres away, so I figured that because he seemed okay, Id stay in the car after all...

When he made it back to the car, he stayed outside to have another smoke, and I told him Id seen he'd fallen over. Lucky he had jeans on, because even so, the skin on his left knee was broken and he was bleeding a little. He said he'd twisted his ankle too. Silly drunken billy.

He told me that they'd just bought a new bed, its huge; tall enough so his little kids cant climb in, and wide enough so he cant feel her when he's in there, and cant feel when shes getting in or out. (Actually in an odd way that made me kind of sad, that he's in that situation, but then again that's his choice).

I didn't say as much as I couldve, I guess because I was a bit stunned that we were together again, and I wanted to process things, and because I thought he may not remember some things I said if he was a tad intoxicated.

I did say that Ive thought about him everyday, I told him briefly about trying to meet other guys, but my heart just isn't in it. He'd noticed he hadn't seen me around as much (driving) and I said Id purposely been avoiding his area as much as possible. He told me he got the message about Adele, but he'd just bought the CD and thinks her whole album sounds as if she's having a big whinge but I told him Id actually been referring to the one song. :) I told him how I deliberated for days about whether to send the message to him, telling him I was still here for him.

Eventually we left there, and I drove in our direction home. If my daughters had not of been home, I would've taken him there, but instead I drove to our "spot" beside the reserve.

To get to the point, yes, we had mad sex. I admit I was hesitant, mostly because of time... but he said not to worry, so who was I to argue? Ive said it before, and Ill say it again, his kisses are to die for. And man, does he know how to touch me. But even without that, just simply being in his company is pure ease. I feel amazing, I'm aware of myself as a woman and yes, feel sexy, but with just that little bit of self consciousness to keep me on my toes. Ah... sigh.

We seemed to be more vocal, telling each other what wanted, and asking too. Although we couldve been more specific I guess, 'cause we pretty much just kept saying how we loved whatever the other person was doing! Which was certainly true for me.

I did say a couple of specific things, like I would've rather been in bed, and that I love how he plays with my hair... fuck. I'm in heaven just thinking about his hand on my hair! crazy or what!

I of course came just from him touching me. Twice. He did take a long time; no matter what I did, or what we did, it took ages before he came. His hot juice spurted in rhythm with his heart beat, on to my stomach, and even that felt amazing, and I rubbed some over my boobs.

We took our time getting dressed this time; the last couple of times in the car I've felt I've had to rush, but he just wanted to sit a bit. I wondered if he would shower when he got home. I mean, we did some nasty stuff, and we smelled of sex and sweat and smoke. But it wasn't for me to question.

I got to sleep around 3.45am.

And congratulated myself for not saying "I love you", any one of the number of times I had been about to say it to him tonight.

Message...

I've had many conversations with myself, and a couple of close girlfriends, and during that time, Ive come to the conclusion that I'm confused. "No shit?" I hear you say. :)

My reluctance to really make an effort to meet other men, or even to pursue things with that old friend of mine that Ive written about recently, and even avoiding going out too far on a Saturday night, I know, in my heart, comes down to the simple fact that I only want one man - B. I know that I cant possibly give my heart to someone else when Ive already given it to him.

And, I know that there can never be a future for us together. I know I need to move on.

So I'm doing the online dating thing, Ive let my friends on occasion give my number to a 'suitable male friend', I go out and try to meet people. But my heart just isn't in it.

I figure I also need to allow time to 'get over' him.

And around and around it goes.

My 'friend' who I talked about briefly here (who thought we could hang out and watch a dvd), has messaged me a few times this week. Even today, he wanted to know if I was free to go out tonight. Friday nights, I don't go out much. I usually have a couple of kids with me. If I do go out, I need to arrange to have them looked after. If I really wanted to pursue this guy, I would've arranged something, and no matter that my two older kids had party to go to that I need to pick them up from... immediately I knew, that if it were B asking me to meet him, I would move Heaven and Earth to do it... So I told my friend I couldn't goo out because I had the kids. And that was that.

And now, its 10.30pm. My older kids are at that party. The younger kids and I have had a nice DVD night, and they're asleep. I jumped on to the social networking site and notice my friend was online too, so I made myself look "offline"... I checked out the online dating site I'm with, and had just started chatting with a young guy I 'chat to' occasionally, but only because I thought it would kill some time.

And then I got a message from B...

"This might sound really sad, but Ive never stopped thinking about you. I'm at XXXX if you're not busy."

I started crying immediately, from the hopelessness of it all and the joy in my heart I felt all at once.

"I ALWAYS think of you" I replied, then said I probably couldn't meet him til midnight (Id have to wait for my kids to home from the party, and its a different place to where he normally goes. Funnily enough, I was just there last Friday night). I also said I realised it was probably too late for me to come tonight...

Ive jumped on here and written this straight away; he hasn't replied as yet, but that's okay. I now I know I will see him again at some point, and my heart is singing.

And things will be different. Conversely, they'll probably be even more difficult, emotionally, but I wont be letting go now.

The end

It's more than 2 months, and I still haven't written about "the breakup". A good friend suggested last night that I finish writing about it, and that may act as a kind of closure, and may be what I need to move forward.

So, I'll give it a whirl...

So, Sunday the 11th June, Id taken a risk by sending him a text hinting at ending things. Id done that because we'd driven past each other that morning, and there was no acknowledgement from him. And the night before, he'd simply said he couldn't come by.

On Wednesday 13 July at 2.44pm, B messaged me to say he was dropping his mate off (the one who lives next to my good friend), if I "wanted to meet up".

I took my two littlies in to my friends house, and of course I told her what was happening. I couldn't talk straight, or focus on anything. And I was shaking. Just after 4pm, around the time I knew he would get there, I went back out to my car with the ruse that I was getting something. I turned and looked at his van, but couldn't actually see through his windows. I busied myself for another minute, and went back inside my friends house. I told her I was giving him a few minutes and then I'd go back over.

A few minutes later, I knocked on his friends gate, which leads in to a kind of court yard. B opened the gate and said "Hey. How are you?" and then "Are you okay? What's up?" My face was as straight and I couldn't look at him properly. I could see he was holding a fresh coffee, so I said "Yeh yeh. I'm fine. Look, Ill come back in 10 minutes when you've had your coffee".

Again, I went back in to my girlfriends house and updated her. Again, I couldn't focus. I babbled and could not concentrate. She, or my kids would talk, and I'd look at them confused.

I went back, knocked on the gate 'cause I could hear them talking, and went in. B, his mate and I made small talk for a few minutes. It was then I learned B had been away for work up in the mountains for a few days and got back late Saturday afternoon (and then he worked that night at his gig, as usual). We talked briefly about the course I was about to commence studying, and how it relates to a profession that one of the girls he works with is in. And she tries to ''analyse'' him, and he avoids it. I felt uncomfortable because I knew that soon I would be ending our relationship, and I knew he knew it too, but also felt weird because his mate had been aware of our relationship earlier, but it was back in March when B had told me he'd told this friend that we were no longer seeing each other, and yet, here I was again. And yet, what I wanted to do most, was to run my hands over him, and hold him.

It looked like B was in no hurry for us to have a private chat. The weather was freezing, and I was standing there shaking with cold; even he had a beanie on. So I suggested we go have a chat in his work van.

TBC.

Crying

Today has been a bit weird.

There's a guy Ive been in contact with, who Ive known for years, who messaged me this morning. Long story short, he wanted to catch up today, and maybe watch a DVD since it was perfect weather to stay in. I very briefly went out with this guy when I was about 20 years of age, and he was so sweet, he even wrote and played me a song. So, we've kept in contact, more so in last couple of years since I've been really single, but he has been on / off with his girlfriend for all of that time. I didn't - and still don't - know how I felt about him, but earlier on this year I thought I may like to explore things further. However because he was indecisive about remaining in his toxic relationship, I never initiated anything more intimate. This guy is not bad looking, makes me laugh whole heartedly, and provides stimulating conversation; we talk about everything. But recently Id backed off, or rather kept my distance because I didn't want to continue being his go-to girl or continue to hear about her and how things were or weren't working out. Anyway, I didn't go over, even after I asked him what was happening in his relationship and he told me it was over. Basically I feel that I could potentially hurt him again, and (or maybe it's an "or"), I realise that if we were to start a real relationship, that there would be no one else. The only thing missing is that he doesn't fire me up like B does. I don't even know if I want to kiss him. Although it could be something I'm purposely suppressing... I returned his call later and we had a good chat, although not about the ''ex". I guess the other thing I'm concerned about is he could change his mind, like he has done in the past, and decide to go back... Only a few months ago "he was never going back to her". :(

On Friday night when I was out, I gave my number to a guy who was very attentive to me. He was complimentary, albeit a tad sleazy. He remembered my girlfriend so I assumed she knew him, and I trust her judgement completely, so I thought it would be okay to give my number. But, I think we need to trust our intuition... my girlfriend later told me she met him only once, when they were out shopping, and he tried to "pick her up". Hes texted me a few times now, but I haven't replied. And wont.

And then, this evening I got a message from the muso guy who I had sex with twice last year. I'm no longer friends with him on the social networking site (I deleted him a few weeks back) because I got tired of the whole 1800 plus friends thing and no real personal posts, and the only comments seemed to be from adoring female fans. I figured I could remain a "fan" on his fan page and still be kept up to date, without all the other crap. He basically asked "whats new?" and I was a bit catty in my reply and asked who it was texting me... and then said things were "all good." He replied "Haha. Was just thinking of ya and wanted to say hi". And I'm thinking "why even the fuck bother?" I haven't seen this guy since December. He probably hasn't even noticed I deleted him off my 'friends". And whats new?? What, in the 2 months since you last texted, or since December? How am I supposed to sum up things in a text? if he was really interested he could call, or arrange to meet up (which we did try a few months back but of course he didn't see it through). I know how busy he is travelling, and gigs and all the other stuff that comes with life and being a rock star, but I don't understand why he's still in contact with me. Maybe he does that to appease his ego, for all the women he's had sex with.

Sigh.

So, that's all made me sad today. And of course then I started reading over some of these blog posts, and read about the last time I had sex with B (which was the last time I had sex anyway), which was 3 months ago now.

And I shed some tears for that which is lost and will never be.

3am

Of course, as I thought, I didn't hear from B.

I had an early night for a change; went to bed around 10.30 and got up around 8am. But it didn't stop me waking at 3am with my first thought being "did he message me and I've missed?"

It's rainy today, and a perfect day for snuggling up. The only movies I have on hand to watch are the romantic-type. Blah.

I've been studying the last few months, so think Ill do some work for that.

Alone.

Saturday Night

It's 8.30pm. On a Saturday night. I'm kid-free. And of course I'm trying not to think about B, or wonder if I will hear from him tonight.

I've changed the sound that plays when I receive a text from him back to what it was before I ended things a couple of months ago... One reason for that is because the sound plays longer than others, and if I'm asleep when he messages - okay IF he messages - I have a better chance of hearing it.

Realistically I dont think I will. Of course I'm hoping I will, yet am 'talking to myself', preparing myself for the fact that he wont contact me tonight. Then I'll be left wondering if it's because he no intentions, EVER, of contacting me EVER, or if it's something such as what used to be a factor before, such as him carpooling (he could only stop by if he was designated driver for the night).

And so. I shrug.

Nothing. Yet.

I haven't heard from B. But that's okay. I knew I wouldn't. Even though Id asked him to not reply to the message Id sent yesterday, he could of, if he really thought it was the best thing to do...I know I will hear from him at some point. It may take a few weeks, but I will hear from him. And maybe it will just be to ask how I am, and nothing more. But now, he knows I'm here. I'm fine, for today anyway. :)

How Low Can I Go?

Not a day has gone by where I have not thought of B. I can do so without crying - just - but he's always on my mind.

And so, after my message from last week, I have deliberated over what it is I actually want. I kept thinking, "well, he's even agreed 'something' was better than 'nothing'. Maybe we should start 'something' again". And so began the battle in my head. He said he's doing "really well". Who am I to shake that up now? But what if he's okay, but just making it sound better than what it is? He could of just ignored my message altogether.

I ummed. And ahhed. I worked on my message for a couple of days. I knew he didn't work yesterday, so I waited til today. And finally sent him a message.

Basically I just said that I knew I was about to embarrass myself (by sending the message), but wanted him to know I'm still here, even just for a chat or a smoke on my verandah. "Something". I also told him not to worry, and that I wasn't about to start messaging him again etc, and to not even reply to this message. I told him "No questions. No judgement". I said things are good and that I'm happy but that I just miss him.

I do feel a tad embarrassed, or maybe humiliated is the word, even though he hasn't actually done anything to make me feel that way. I just know it was not exactly right of me to send the message, and that Ive probably come across fucking desperate. What kind of person am I to keep going after this man, who is married with children? Why him? Is it the power I have?

Anyway, I don't expect I will hear anything back. I think that's less mortifying than a reply such as "It's really tempting. But I just can't. Sorry."

And I'd psyched myself up for not hearing anything back, before sending the message, so I'll live with it. The main thing is now that he'll surely know how serious I do feel about him.

Ah, my heart.

Message

I messaged B today. After going out with my girlfriend last night to our local pub, and having a catchup drink (and B was not there, but I did check), I knew I would send something.

I said: (name), 'something' was better than this 'nothing'. Hope you're well.

I was prepared for no answer. I was not prepared to actually receive a reply, a short time later!

He said: Hi (name). Yes it was. I'm doing really well, hope you are going great also.

For some odd reason, I was amazingly happy for the rest of the day. Even other people noticed. I guess I just like to think that our time together did mean something.

Still sad.

It's been almost 6 weeks since I ended it.

I'm still sad. I still cry from time to time, whether it's by myself, or I'm talking with one of my close girlfriends and they touch on the subject, albeit briefly. I shake my head, because I'm unable to understand or comprehend the effect this has had on me, why it hurts so much, and why I feel so strongly about him.

:'(

4 weeks and 4 days

... and I've not heard from B. I didn't expect to, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't of liked to...

I texted him a couple of days ago though. I simply said "Damn Adele" (I can not listen to her song "Someone like you" without crying and thinking of B). It would of at least got me on his mind for a few seconds, but there's not a lot he could of said in reply I guess...

I met a guy at a charity function about 2 weeks ago... it was all a little childish the way it happened, but a bit of fun too - the person hosting the event knew I thought this guy was okay, so she gave who she thought was his boss, my phone number. Later 'the guy' introduced himself to me and we had a bit of a chat, and he finished by saying he'll give me a call sometime and organise to go out. "Sure," I smiled in a positive response... Well, I'm still waiting for that call...

Last week I had coffee with another guy, who is a friend of a good friend (of mine) boyfriend. She told me how lovely he was etc, but that he was short... I just cant feel it for a guy who's short, and my girlfriend knows this. Still, I'm trying to keep an open mind, so we met up. The very first thing I thought however was 'Wow, he really is short'. I think he came up to my shoulder. He definitely was nice, and sitting down, it was almost okay. But when we stood up again, to continue on with our day, I was quickly reminded of his height.

Part of me keeps thinking about all those men who cheat of their partners (and yes I know women do it too), and I wonder if there's really any point to trying to find the one person...And I keep thinking about B's wife, and whether our paths will cross, or if I'll ever see B again. Or I'll be driving somewhere, and a location may remind me of him because "that was where I was when he called me before he went overseas" or "That is where we met one time". But then I saw this quote this morning, and I know, although Ive mentioned it on here a few times before, It really is much easier to think negatively, so I need to change my thinking.

HOW you THINK is WHAT you get!!!

I need to keep reminding myself how better off I am without him, and that I will find someone - the one man - to be with. It will happen when its meant to happen.

New Car

On our last night together, when I was taking B and his mate G home, B asked me if he'd told me he'd bought another car. I replied he hadn't so we talked a little about that (the other restored car he's been trying to sell, still hasn't sold). He told me the year and make of the car, and I thought he told me it was white, and said he would get it in around 6 weeks...

Last Saturday afternoon I was driving to my nan's; it was about 4.45pm. Not far from B's house, I noticed an older, cool looking red car, pulled over to the side of the road. I noticed it but didn't notice details, if that makes sense...? A little further a long, I had to stop at the lights that takes me out of B's suburb and on to a main road, and as the light changed green for me to to turn, I saw what looked to be the same red car come down behind me. It wasn't until a few seconds later that something made me realise that that could in fact be B's 'new' car. But I wasn't sure, because this car was red, and I thought his new one would be white. In my mirrors, I could see a silhouette that could've been his, and a smaller - but not child size - passenger. It appeared to be going slower than necessary, and I watched in my mirror as the car changed lanes, and indicated to turn left in to a street that would take him back in to his suburb. Id noticed the indicator flashed too quickly; perhaps needs a new fuse? Anyway, this time I also took more notice of the shape and colour of the other details of the car, and I googled those details and they seemed to match with what year and make of car he'd told me a few weeks prior.

I don't know if it was him, but I think it was.

I noticed their family car parked in the drive way during the week, and again tonight as I drove home from a family dinner. He's recently built a 2 car garage, which the other car and the family car were able to fit in to. If he has the 2 hobby cars now, they would take preference over the family car to be garaged.

Big deal really. I guess what I'm saying is that just because things are finished with us, doesn't mean I don't think of him. I really have not gone out of my way to drive past his house or street, but still, for example, will drive up the street of my girlfriend who lives next to his work mate if it's around the time B would normally be there. But when I do that, that is directly on my way home, or from my home, somewhere, as shes only a few streets from me, and it actually suits me often to go that way, miss a chunk of the main road, to get to the main thoroughfare.

Ive been dreaming of him more, but in association with his wife. Last night I dreamed she was behind a counter at a scrapbook store, and had just finished serving me, and then resumed her conversation with her work colleague, and it happened to be about B. That's all I remember. :)

It's really been difficult, and I often wonder if he ever thinks about me. And how he feels. Realistically, I probably do cross his mind very briefly, for 5 seconds every now and then. But that will cease one day. I hope it ceases for me one day. Soon.

The Same Car

I haven't heard anything from B, not that I expected to, since the 13th, and certainly haven't seen him, or even a hint of him anywhere either. I've limited driving past his place, or even just his street; before I may of driven out of the way past his place on the way home after taking my daughter to work for example, or on the way home from somewhere else, but the only times Ive driven by have been because I shop occasionally at a centre near his house and that honestly is the most direct route, or to the gym, which is also the most direct way.

Earlier tonight though, I was taking my daughter to work, around 5.15, and I could see a car which looked like his (family car) coming from the opposite direction. As it neared, even the number plates looked the same (they're a particular colour and style). And it made sense he would be in the location, since his parents live closer to me than he does. As we neared, I could feel my cheeks start to burn. And in those few seconds I had left I wondered whether to acknowledge him... or what.

However, it wasn't him. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was red as a beetroot. I blamed it on the heater in the car, for my daughters benefit.

Stupid reactions. :P

The breakup

It's been 5 days now. 5 long painful days, since I broke it off, finally, with B.

When I am ready to write it, in the next couple of days, I know that I will still be able to explain how I was feeling at the time, because I am still feeling it now.

I needed to end it, but my heart is broken.

Quote

Just saw this:

"Its not what I feel about him,

Its what I dont feel for anyone else."

and this:

"Your worst battle is between what you know, and how you feel".

Ive started the ball rolling...

Yesterday, Sunday, after I took my daughter to work, I did my usual out-of-the-way drive-by past B's street. Again, it serves no purpose. I just do it.

On my way home, I saw him driving from the opposite direction. Well, I saw his car. As he got closer I saw it was him, with his cap on. I didn't have time to notice if anyone else was in the car, only that there was no wave or acknowledgement. No text saying "hey pull over and we'll catch up for 10 minutes".

And I'm thinking 'this is fucked'.

An hour and a half later, I risked it, and sent him an sms: "For both of us, I think we know what needs to happen now. But after 15 months, I cant do it via text. So let me know ASAP when we can meet".

I went to our local pub (where B goes) last night with two girlfriends (not my suggestion) who are both aware of what is going on, and we talked about it a little. B has every second Monday off (which would be today), but I didn't see him last night.

I am so sad. I am devastated. I cant believe I fell so hard for someone I cant have. I am a grown, attractive woman, who could have a decent pick of the bunch. Shit.

I haven't heard anything, and its 24 hours since I sent the message. I dont know either when to expect contact from him. Perhaps he'll 'pfft' it and think I'm not serious. Or that its just another way to get attention. I imagine he'll call during the week, perhaps on his way home from work, and will say something like "So I got your text. What's this shit?"

I play out the conversation in my head over and over, what Id say. I dont expect he'll come after me and beg, which is why I guess its taken me a while to finally reach this point, because I have to know that once this is done, he wont be there any more. And I started the ball rolling because it has to be done. I knew once I put it out there, it is for good this time, and I cant renege.

Shift Focus to "what is"

and not the "'if only".

Easier said than done though.

I have had a little contact with B over the last few weeks; all my initiation and all very unfulfilling.

I went to the club with my nan, for the last time for a while as I'm about to commence study, and we took a few photos with some of the other ladies, band members and compere (who, if you remember, B works with sometimes). I sent B a message letting him know I could meet up later but he replied that he couldn't (today).

A few days later, I asked him if he'd received an email Id sent to his work providing the number of a physiotherapist Id heard was great, because he had a continual sore shoulder and back. He said Id sent it via text, thanks, but that he'd ended up going to his regular physio and had exercises to do.

That was that.

And then last Tuesday I asked him if he'd noticed on the social network site that on the comperes 'wall' there was the photo Id put up from the day at the club (and obviously I'm in it), and then only a few days later, a friend of his had put up a photo a few years old of him (B) in a group. I found it a little funny we were on the same page. He said he hadn't seen it, and would check it out.

I knew he would check it out that night, Tuesday, because I know the wife goes to a gym class.

Everything on my profile is set to private, so you cant even see who my friends are. I changed my "About me" to read: "Knows I desperately need to pull that pin, cause we cant have our cake and eat it too. but for now ill pretend what I feel doesn’t matter, and you can pretend to be happy in your ‘safe’ option." I assume that when he looked at the pic of me, he'd click through to my profile, so that that quote is what he'd see.

That night, when I myself got home from the gym, I checked his MySpace account, and noticed he'd logged in with that days date (he hadn't logged in for about 3 months previously), so I can safely assume he would've checked the other one. And I changed my "About Me" to "Happiness is a choice. If it's important, you'll find a way. If it isn't, you'll find an excuse ♥". I love it. It's a keeper.

Of course I didn't hear back about any of it.

Last night I had dinner with friends, and I was soooo tired. It was 10.15 and I just wanted to crash. On the way home Id driven past B's and noticed his work van was parked on the street so I assume he drove to work last night. I sent him a playful message saying I was just coming home from dinner, wondering if Id see him, or if Id have to reacquaint myself with my 'rabbit'. An hour later he replied "I cant. Sorry".

I couldn't really say "But didn't you drive?" and asking "Why?" is too whiny. But I do find his short reply a little odd, unless of course my 'message' on the social network site made him realise how serious I feel. I felt a mixture of things; pissed off. Resigned. Sad. Confused. Wasn't going to reply but decided I would. I'm tired of being nice. And safe. And easy. I said "Sorry? Yeah right. Night. x" To be honest I almost finished it with him then and there. But I didn't want to do it via a text message, and this is something that will definitely need closure, especially for me.

I guess Ill do the ol' "not contact him for a few weeks thing", and then message him to say "What's going on."

And I didnt bother with the rabbit.