The end

It's more than 2 months, and I still haven't written about "the breakup". A good friend suggested last night that I finish writing about it, and that may act as a kind of closure, and may be what I need to move forward.

So, I'll give it a whirl...

So, Sunday the 11th June, Id taken a risk by sending him a text hinting at ending things. Id done that because we'd driven past each other that morning, and there was no acknowledgement from him. And the night before, he'd simply said he couldn't come by.

On Wednesday 13 July at 2.44pm, B messaged me to say he was dropping his mate off (the one who lives next to my good friend), if I "wanted to meet up".

I took my two littlies in to my friends house, and of course I told her what was happening. I couldn't talk straight, or focus on anything. And I was shaking. Just after 4pm, around the time I knew he would get there, I went back out to my car with the ruse that I was getting something. I turned and looked at his van, but couldn't actually see through his windows. I busied myself for another minute, and went back inside my friends house. I told her I was giving him a few minutes and then I'd go back over.

A few minutes later, I knocked on his friends gate, which leads in to a kind of court yard. B opened the gate and said "Hey. How are you?" and then "Are you okay? What's up?" My face was as straight and I couldn't look at him properly. I could see he was holding a fresh coffee, so I said "Yeh yeh. I'm fine. Look, Ill come back in 10 minutes when you've had your coffee".

Again, I went back in to my girlfriends house and updated her. Again, I couldn't focus. I babbled and could not concentrate. She, or my kids would talk, and I'd look at them confused.

I went back, knocked on the gate 'cause I could hear them talking, and went in. B, his mate and I made small talk for a few minutes. It was then I learned B had been away for work up in the mountains for a few days and got back late Saturday afternoon (and then he worked that night at his gig, as usual). We talked briefly about the course I was about to commence studying, and how it relates to a profession that one of the girls he works with is in. And she tries to ''analyse'' him, and he avoids it. I felt uncomfortable because I knew that soon I would be ending our relationship, and I knew he knew it too, but also felt weird because his mate had been aware of our relationship earlier, but it was back in March when B had told me he'd told this friend that we were no longer seeing each other, and yet, here I was again. And yet, what I wanted to do most, was to run my hands over him, and hold him.

It looked like B was in no hurry for us to have a private chat. The weather was freezing, and I was standing there shaking with cold; even he had a beanie on. So I suggested we go have a chat in his work van.

TBC.