Message...

I've had many conversations with myself, and a couple of close girlfriends, and during that time, Ive come to the conclusion that I'm confused. "No shit?" I hear you say. :)

My reluctance to really make an effort to meet other men, or even to pursue things with that old friend of mine that Ive written about recently, and even avoiding going out too far on a Saturday night, I know, in my heart, comes down to the simple fact that I only want one man - B. I know that I cant possibly give my heart to someone else when Ive already given it to him.

And, I know that there can never be a future for us together. I know I need to move on.

So I'm doing the online dating thing, Ive let my friends on occasion give my number to a 'suitable male friend', I go out and try to meet people. But my heart just isn't in it.

I figure I also need to allow time to 'get over' him.

And around and around it goes.

My 'friend' who I talked about briefly here (who thought we could hang out and watch a dvd), has messaged me a few times this week. Even today, he wanted to know if I was free to go out tonight. Friday nights, I don't go out much. I usually have a couple of kids with me. If I do go out, I need to arrange to have them looked after. If I really wanted to pursue this guy, I would've arranged something, and no matter that my two older kids had party to go to that I need to pick them up from... immediately I knew, that if it were B asking me to meet him, I would move Heaven and Earth to do it... So I told my friend I couldn't goo out because I had the kids. And that was that.

And now, its 10.30pm. My older kids are at that party. The younger kids and I have had a nice DVD night, and they're asleep. I jumped on to the social networking site and notice my friend was online too, so I made myself look "offline"... I checked out the online dating site I'm with, and had just started chatting with a young guy I 'chat to' occasionally, but only because I thought it would kill some time.

And then I got a message from B...

"This might sound really sad, but Ive never stopped thinking about you. I'm at XXXX if you're not busy."

I started crying immediately, from the hopelessness of it all and the joy in my heart I felt all at once.

"I ALWAYS think of you" I replied, then said I probably couldn't meet him til midnight (Id have to wait for my kids to home from the party, and its a different place to where he normally goes. Funnily enough, I was just there last Friday night). I also said I realised it was probably too late for me to come tonight...

Ive jumped on here and written this straight away; he hasn't replied as yet, but that's okay. I now I know I will see him again at some point, and my heart is singing.

And things will be different. Conversely, they'll probably be even more difficult, emotionally, but I wont be letting go now.