How Low Can I Go?

Not a day has gone by where I have not thought of B. I can do so without crying - just - but he's always on my mind.

And so, after my message from last week, I have deliberated over what it is I actually want. I kept thinking, "well, he's even agreed 'something' was better than 'nothing'. Maybe we should start 'something' again". And so began the battle in my head. He said he's doing "really well". Who am I to shake that up now? But what if he's okay, but just making it sound better than what it is? He could of just ignored my message altogether.

I ummed. And ahhed. I worked on my message for a couple of days. I knew he didn't work yesterday, so I waited til today. And finally sent him a message.

Basically I just said that I knew I was about to embarrass myself (by sending the message), but wanted him to know I'm still here, even just for a chat or a smoke on my verandah. "Something". I also told him not to worry, and that I wasn't about to start messaging him again etc, and to not even reply to this message. I told him "No questions. No judgement". I said things are good and that I'm happy but that I just miss him.

I do feel a tad embarrassed, or maybe humiliated is the word, even though he hasn't actually done anything to make me feel that way. I just know it was not exactly right of me to send the message, and that Ive probably come across fucking desperate. What kind of person am I to keep going after this man, who is married with children? Why him? Is it the power I have?

Anyway, I don't expect I will hear anything back. I think that's less mortifying than a reply such as "It's really tempting. But I just can't. Sorry."

And I'd psyched myself up for not hearing anything back, before sending the message, so I'll live with it. The main thing is now that he'll surely know how serious I do feel about him.

Ah, my heart.