Crying

Today has been a bit weird.

There's a guy Ive been in contact with, who Ive known for years, who messaged me this morning. Long story short, he wanted to catch up today, and maybe watch a DVD since it was perfect weather to stay in. I very briefly went out with this guy when I was about 20 years of age, and he was so sweet, he even wrote and played me a song. So, we've kept in contact, more so in last couple of years since I've been really single, but he has been on / off with his girlfriend for all of that time. I didn't - and still don't - know how I felt about him, but earlier on this year I thought I may like to explore things further. However because he was indecisive about remaining in his toxic relationship, I never initiated anything more intimate. This guy is not bad looking, makes me laugh whole heartedly, and provides stimulating conversation; we talk about everything. But recently Id backed off, or rather kept my distance because I didn't want to continue being his go-to girl or continue to hear about her and how things were or weren't working out. Anyway, I didn't go over, even after I asked him what was happening in his relationship and he told me it was over. Basically I feel that I could potentially hurt him again, and (or maybe it's an "or"), I realise that if we were to start a real relationship, that there would be no one else. The only thing missing is that he doesn't fire me up like B does. I don't even know if I want to kiss him. Although it could be something I'm purposely suppressing... I returned his call later and we had a good chat, although not about the ''ex". I guess the other thing I'm concerned about is he could change his mind, like he has done in the past, and decide to go back... Only a few months ago "he was never going back to her". :(

On Friday night when I was out, I gave my number to a guy who was very attentive to me. He was complimentary, albeit a tad sleazy. He remembered my girlfriend so I assumed she knew him, and I trust her judgement completely, so I thought it would be okay to give my number. But, I think we need to trust our intuition... my girlfriend later told me she met him only once, when they were out shopping, and he tried to "pick her up". Hes texted me a few times now, but I haven't replied. And wont.

And then, this evening I got a message from the muso guy who I had sex with twice last year. I'm no longer friends with him on the social networking site (I deleted him a few weeks back) because I got tired of the whole 1800 plus friends thing and no real personal posts, and the only comments seemed to be from adoring female fans. I figured I could remain a "fan" on his fan page and still be kept up to date, without all the other crap. He basically asked "whats new?" and I was a bit catty in my reply and asked who it was texting me... and then said things were "all good." He replied "Haha. Was just thinking of ya and wanted to say hi". And I'm thinking "why even the fuck bother?" I haven't seen this guy since December. He probably hasn't even noticed I deleted him off my 'friends". And whats new?? What, in the 2 months since you last texted, or since December? How am I supposed to sum up things in a text? if he was really interested he could call, or arrange to meet up (which we did try a few months back but of course he didn't see it through). I know how busy he is travelling, and gigs and all the other stuff that comes with life and being a rock star, but I don't understand why he's still in contact with me. Maybe he does that to appease his ego, for all the women he's had sex with.

Sigh.

So, that's all made me sad today. And of course then I started reading over some of these blog posts, and read about the last time I had sex with B (which was the last time I had sex anyway), which was 3 months ago now.

And I shed some tears for that which is lost and will never be.