Risky Business

To be completed...!

Drive By

Fathers Day today. My own dad was interstate. The guy I've been with since March was catching up with some friends and we were meeting up later, and I went shopping and stuff. As I was driving home, past B's street, he pulled out in his white American car. He saw me of course, but didn't acknowledge me. He drove the opposite direction.

Dinner Dance

To be completed...

Deleted Messages

Today, I finally bit the bullet and deleted all of B's messages from my iPhone 3 and iPhone 4. A matter of necessity, and because, well, what do I need to keep them for? My daughter "bought" my iPhone 3 off me, so I erased everything from that phone for her. And, while things are going pretty good with the guy I've been seeing a few months, I thought that it was time to remove the messages even though they occurred before I started this current relationship. Admittedly however, I have saved some messages to my hard drive... just in case. ;)

Show Time

To be completed....

Around

He is still there, even faintly, in the recesses of my mind. Last week, while driving past B's street, a car turned out from their street in front of me that I knew to be B's dads car. I noticed a little boy running to the corner of the street to wave - B's son - and I could see his wife just a couple of houses up, watching. And as I drove behind his dad's car, knowing that he lives 2 minutes from my house, watching his dad's cigarette smoke pour out the window (know I can see why B smokes like a chimney), I kept thinking how ironic things are. I could've sent B a message about it, or even a photo. Haha. And I also kept thinking how I could follow them (his mum was in the car too) home, and tell them a thing or two. But of course I didn't. I did dream about him last night. It was like I was on display. He was sitting in the crowd, or the audience, with his family, while I was out the front, with other people, with my back toward the crowd, looking at some view or scenery, and yet the whole time I knew and was aware he was watching me. Odd. That's about it really. My new B and I are doing pretty good. There were a few miscommunication incidents over the last week, but we're okay. :)

Happy :)

But not for the reasons you'd first think.

At the beginning of March I met a guy. It got off to a bit of a slow start, from my part, because I was a little unsure (for reasons I'll disclose in a sec), but we've been together ever since. He is the most normal, down to earth uncomplicated guy I think Ive ever known. That's not to say he doesn't have "stuff" that has happened, or that has affected him, but he is so easy to be with. The night we met, I was straight up and told him how old I am, and that I have kids, and he was fine with both. He is about to turn 35, and has no children. He said "if you already think our relationship wont work because of that, then it probably wont. Right now, I'm happy not to have kids. I don't know if I want them or not. We could just enjoy the relationship and see what happens". I liked his way of thinking. Or maybe it was how he approached it. Anyway, whatever. Its all working, and we're officially a couple. He treats me so lovely.

I have seen B twice more since my last post. I don't tend to drive his way much - on purpose probably, but also because my daily life is a lot different. I havent been to the gym in at least 2 months, and my grocery and other shopping I tend to do elsewhere. One time though, it was around 10am, and I drove up his street on the way to somewhere, and he must of either had a late start for work, or come back home for something, because I was behind his work van as it went up the street. He went left, and I went right. He probably saw me.

And just last week, I saw him in that Impala I wrote about last time, and he was right near my house. I know he saw me that time.

I will always remember him and the good times we had, and how I felt. But I am glad I'm not holding on to that any longer. My new man is also a B, and I would like to think that I would be over the original B, even if I didn't have the new B. Part of me is a little angry still that he did that to me, to his wife, for 2 years, but mostly now all I can do is shrug and know that he's the one that has to deal with it.

My new B is amazing. And its the first real relationship I have had in 3 years.

Sigh.

:)

x

Oops.

I did something stupid during the week.

Care to hazard a guess?

It was Tuesday. I was on the way to meet my Nan at the club, and was feeling nostalgic. So I texted B. I said that "not a day went by where I didn't think of" him. "Just sayin'."

Its Sunday now, and I didn't hear from him. I didn't really think I would, but at least I got it out of me. Actually though, there was part of me which wondered if he would message me last night, while he was working. Just some kind of acknowledgement, but I suppose I'm pleased for his sake that he didn't.

I'm positive I saw him this afternoon however, in his car he had imported months ago. I'd had a drink at my local, and was on my way home. He was coming around the round-a-bout (near his home), and I was leaving it. Its a big white chunky cool car, so its a bit hard to not notice, and on my double-take, I saw it was left side drive, and the person had a cap on. That is so him.

So... yeh.

Thats all.

Melancholy

Feeling a tad sad tonight. For a number of reasons. Tired as, for starters. Has been a hectic few days with my kids, my study, and work. Also I started on a new contraceptive pill a couple of months ago, and last month my period came a week early, and I had them, albeit lightly, for almost 2 weeks. This month Ive had some spotting, also a week early, and I think my hormones are a bit all over the place from that.

I am meant to meet up with a guy I 'met' online, who lives interstate. He happens to be down this weekend for a family event. We spoke last week, and seemed to click. Wednesday we texted and I asked if it was okay to call Thursday night or Friday, and of course he said 'of course'. I called just after lunch, but it went to voicemail. So I sent a message saying Id call tonight. I called at 9pm, but it went to voicemail again. It's not that Im wondering where he is or am having insecurities thinking he's changed his mind about meeting me etc. I guess he must be at work - he is a cop. I know Ill hear from him tomorrow.

I think just the timing isnt good that he wasnt able to talk, because Im also feeling a bit down after seeing my muso friend and the pics he has up on his wall (social network site). One woman, who is married, and had earlier said she wouldnt be at the show tonight because her hubby is working, turned up anyway, and got her photo with him. Imeediately I started thinking about one of the songs he's written, about wanting to be with someone, who is married, but how he doesnt care, he just wants to be there with her. So Ivé banned myself from checking his stuff. lol. And from sending little chat messages while we play Words With Friends. :P

Added to that, a show called Mobbed was on tele. This girl went to see some band, and didnt get to meet the guy (from the band) like she wanted, but somehow or other she was able to get in contact with him, and for 5 years they had an online relationship. They call each other their best friend. Then, he staged a get together, a 'mob', with dance and music performances, as his way of then saying he wanted to take their relationship to the nexl level, and pursue their relationship to see if they could build on it. And then they kissed, and the celebrations continued. Nawww.

I read somewhere today - although I cant remember if it was in relation to affairs, or toxic relationships or what - something about questioning whether - when a relationship ends - you miss the person, or how you felt when you were with them. With B, I can definately say both. He definately had his good qualities, and I felt very relaxed, yet very aware of myself and him, but I also did like how I felt with him. But obviously it wasnt a complete, whole relationship, and there was always something missing. But I would've loved to build on it, in a heart beat.

I saw her

today. The wife.

I was coming up through our shopping centre's carpark and I saw their car. As I was travelling up the travelator, lo and behold, she was coming down, with their eldest boy. We looked at each other, I glanced away, and looked back, and she did the same thing. Just your usual 'look at people without really looking at them' thing. I tried to keep my face relaxed and blank, but I looked at hers for some facial change, a signal, of recognition, of... I dont know, just something to make me acknowledge her, or follow her back down and say her name. And tell her.

I did indeed go back down and in to the car park. And I weaved my way through some cars and came out a little past her car, because my car was parked past hers. By this time she had finished putting the things in the boot and her son buckled in, and as I walked, I purposely glanced over to her, and she looked at me over the top of the car as she got in. But that was it.

I drove to the exit, and couldve ended up behind her car to put the ticket through the boom gate, but I let another car go in front of me.

Theres that perpetual debate inside me. If it were me, I would want to know. That doesnt mean she would want to know. And what are my reasons for telling her? Honestly, its not to bust them up, or break down their family, or because I hope he'll turn to me. In fact, no matter how anonymously I could do it, he would know in someway it was me, and Id of broken the promise to him that I would never tell her. Quite ironic really; Im sure when they were married they spoke the usual vows of truth and fidelity. And yes I dont want him hating me, but rather be a pleasant memory. And whats the worst thing that could happen if she never finds out? He is the one who has to live with it the remainder of his life. He could do it again with someone else (to her), because I was not his first time, but she could in fact benefit from him forever trying to make amends, by continuing to be the hard working attentitive husband and father.

I just dont know.

Smaller

and smaller, this world is becoming.

I work with a girl, who I discovered works with B, and has been working at the same place for 10 years! Of course she knows B - I casually dropped a few names - but omg!

I sent B a message on the 20th December last year saying I work with her, but that officially was our last message as there was no reply.

Still shaking my head at the craziness of things.

HVD

Valentines Day. Hmmph.

I've got a couple of things going on in the 'man' department at the moment. Nothing big, but at least its not non-extistant. My muso friend MC, who I am still in contact with almost daily on a mostly extremely and safe (for him) platonic level, did not of course hint about today being valentines day. After last years fiasco, where I was totally moritified after sending him a message for Valentines, and his reply of "what is hvd?" whereby he then proceeded to tell me he thought he should let me know he'd started seeing an ex again, I did not refer to today at all! Lesson learned! :P

I'm sure I sent B a message last year, also simply saying 'hvd'. But I dont want to look back through my messages with him. Its too painful, and yet I simply can not bear the thought of deleting them, or his number, from my phone.

I saw B today. But it was deliberate, on my part. Yeh, suprise! ;)

I drove down a particular road that I knew he'd come up near his home, at the end of his working day. I happened to of just finished shopping. He drove past me, and I cant be sure - the windows were glary - but I think he looked a bit longer at my car. Remember I changed the number plates? so he may not realise it was me.

Anyway, so I saw him - or rather a hint of his work shirt through his van, and drove home.

Theres nothing mucg else to report for this valentines day. Dont mean to sound cynical, but its been thiis way whether I've been partnered or not. Ha!

Stop me!

Saw photos today of the wife, online. At a wedding they were at yesterday. She looked gorgeous. Beautiful, radiant.

I so wanna tell her that her husband fucks around.

But what good would it do me.

Friday night

No huge developments. Still haven't seen B irl (in real life) for a while (can I really count Christmas Day, given that it was for 10 seconds, we were both in our cars passing each other?).

Our mutual friend that I'm friends with online, recently took a bunch of his employees etc out for lunch. Some photos were posted on his wall. B was in a few of them. And looking damn fine I have to say. No wife in sight (but his wedding ring was. I'm just think its interesting that he spends as much time as possible without her).

Have been going to our local pub regularly, especially on a Sunday arvo. I have a drink or 2 with a friend from the gym and his new wife, and sometimes one or two other people. But I haven't seen B.

I was at the same pub tonight, having dinner with girlfriends. He used to go to this place on a Friday night, and sometimes not get home til late. Other times, he'd be home in time for dinner (around 6pm). We arrived 6.30pm. Sat outside where he would be, but no B.

Have had almost daily contact with my muso friend. In fact we hooked up again a week later after the last time I posted about him. We are clear its just a friends with benefits thing. Ugh! Sounds kinda tacky. He stayed a few hours, I didnt drink myself stupid, and it was a nice night. He has had lots of neck problems and could'nt come over last Friday because was in too much pain after some "cupping". He didn't come over tonight after-all either... not sure why, but we still messaged and played "words with friends" until his usual "good night" message around 11.15. Very disappointing as he knows I'm kid-free til Sunday night, and he said he's got plans the rest of the weekend. Sigh.

My muso friend - we'll call him MC - suggested I put my phone in flight mode so that I dont get woken by texts and alerts and things while I sleep. Probably a good idea. In fact I did it last night. But you know what I keep thinking? What if, out of the blue, B decided to message me? How crazy.

Wednesday night, around 8.15, my phone rang, showing a blocked number. I said hello, but no one spoke, but I could hear some kind of noise at the other end. 15 minutes later it rang again, and same thing. I said "speak now or forever hold your peace". Guess whoever it was decided to hold their peace. But of course I wondered if it was B.

I've got so much time to myself right now. I'm lonely. And bored. Study recommences in a few weeks, and I know Ill get busy again with that, the kids school stuff, work and so on. But this alone crap is... well, crap sometimes.

Welcome 2012

So, here we are in day of 3 of the new year.

I have had no contact with B, and although I've pretty much accepted things as they are now, it doesn't stop me from checking my phone every now and then for a message, or watching out for him as I drive around, and so on.

Today I went for my usual (well, usual as in I've gone for a long walk 5 times in 8 days, but intend on continuing this), and walked up to a park where I think his wife sometimes helps out with mums and bubs exercise classes. I didn't walk there with any purpose in mind. Anyway, I noticed a man and woman, and they looked remarkably like B and his wife. Especially her. Long dark hair in a pony, pale skin. He was tall, solid, wearing a cap, but he did indeed look different... And the boy he was helping along on the scooter, wearing a helmet, looked just like their eldest son, but, again, smaller. They had another child, in a pram, and it looked like she was trying to settle the child. I couldn't see (the child) properly, so I'm not sure if it was a boy or girl, but I also thought they were too small anyhow. B's second child surely wouldn't be in a pram, napping...the day I saw her out with her two boys, they were very young, but walking. Anyway, I did a lap of the park, and walked by them again. The guy was indeed different. It was the hair. None-the-less, it was a bit of a shake up.

A while ago I wrote about a musician that I met up with, and who has been in contact with me regularly lately. Long story short, we hooked up Friday night. We cooked dinner together, and he made me an awesome breakky. I drank too much, cant remember everything, and am kicking myself that I also didn't take advantage of this gorgeous gorgeous man who was sprawled naked in my bed. He is moving overseas, as soon as he can work out which Visa etc.

We have been in contact since Friday night too, but via text, email (and the game "Words With Friends!), ugh! But all non-committal stuff. Of course Friday night he talked about some stuff we could do together, but I wont be holding my breath.

So... Im thinkking of approaching him for a 'friends with benefits' relationship. Just not sure how to approach it. Plus Im aware I need to stop contact for at least a few days so it doesn't look like Im smothering him.

I can see many advantages to this arrangement... I just hope I get the courage to ask, and that he doesn't knock me back! :)