Still sad.

It's been almost 6 weeks since I ended it.

I'm still sad. I still cry from time to time, whether it's by myself, or I'm talking with one of my close girlfriends and they touch on the subject, albeit briefly. I shake my head, because I'm unable to understand or comprehend the effect this has had on me, why it hurts so much, and why I feel so strongly about him.

:'(

4 weeks and 4 days

... and I've not heard from B. I didn't expect to, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't of liked to...

I texted him a couple of days ago though. I simply said "Damn Adele" (I can not listen to her song "Someone like you" without crying and thinking of B). It would of at least got me on his mind for a few seconds, but there's not a lot he could of said in reply I guess...

I met a guy at a charity function about 2 weeks ago... it was all a little childish the way it happened, but a bit of fun too - the person hosting the event knew I thought this guy was okay, so she gave who she thought was his boss, my phone number. Later 'the guy' introduced himself to me and we had a bit of a chat, and he finished by saying he'll give me a call sometime and organise to go out. "Sure," I smiled in a positive response... Well, I'm still waiting for that call...

Last week I had coffee with another guy, who is a friend of a good friend (of mine) boyfriend. She told me how lovely he was etc, but that he was short... I just cant feel it for a guy who's short, and my girlfriend knows this. Still, I'm trying to keep an open mind, so we met up. The very first thing I thought however was 'Wow, he really is short'. I think he came up to my shoulder. He definitely was nice, and sitting down, it was almost okay. But when we stood up again, to continue on with our day, I was quickly reminded of his height.

Part of me keeps thinking about all those men who cheat of their partners (and yes I know women do it too), and I wonder if there's really any point to trying to find the one person...And I keep thinking about B's wife, and whether our paths will cross, or if I'll ever see B again. Or I'll be driving somewhere, and a location may remind me of him because "that was where I was when he called me before he went overseas" or "That is where we met one time". But then I saw this quote this morning, and I know, although Ive mentioned it on here a few times before, It really is much easier to think negatively, so I need to change my thinking.

HOW you THINK is WHAT you get!!!

I need to keep reminding myself how better off I am without him, and that I will find someone - the one man - to be with. It will happen when its meant to happen.

New Car

On our last night together, when I was taking B and his mate G home, B asked me if he'd told me he'd bought another car. I replied he hadn't so we talked a little about that (the other restored car he's been trying to sell, still hasn't sold). He told me the year and make of the car, and I thought he told me it was white, and said he would get it in around 6 weeks...

Last Saturday afternoon I was driving to my nan's; it was about 4.45pm. Not far from B's house, I noticed an older, cool looking red car, pulled over to the side of the road. I noticed it but didn't notice details, if that makes sense...? A little further a long, I had to stop at the lights that takes me out of B's suburb and on to a main road, and as the light changed green for me to to turn, I saw what looked to be the same red car come down behind me. It wasn't until a few seconds later that something made me realise that that could in fact be B's 'new' car. But I wasn't sure, because this car was red, and I thought his new one would be white. In my mirrors, I could see a silhouette that could've been his, and a smaller - but not child size - passenger. It appeared to be going slower than necessary, and I watched in my mirror as the car changed lanes, and indicated to turn left in to a street that would take him back in to his suburb. Id noticed the indicator flashed too quickly; perhaps needs a new fuse? Anyway, this time I also took more notice of the shape and colour of the other details of the car, and I googled those details and they seemed to match with what year and make of car he'd told me a few weeks prior.

I don't know if it was him, but I think it was.

I noticed their family car parked in the drive way during the week, and again tonight as I drove home from a family dinner. He's recently built a 2 car garage, which the other car and the family car were able to fit in to. If he has the 2 hobby cars now, they would take preference over the family car to be garaged.

Big deal really. I guess what I'm saying is that just because things are finished with us, doesn't mean I don't think of him. I really have not gone out of my way to drive past his house or street, but still, for example, will drive up the street of my girlfriend who lives next to his work mate if it's around the time B would normally be there. But when I do that, that is directly on my way home, or from my home, somewhere, as shes only a few streets from me, and it actually suits me often to go that way, miss a chunk of the main road, to get to the main thoroughfare.

Ive been dreaming of him more, but in association with his wife. Last night I dreamed she was behind a counter at a scrapbook store, and had just finished serving me, and then resumed her conversation with her work colleague, and it happened to be about B. That's all I remember. :)

It's really been difficult, and I often wonder if he ever thinks about me. And how he feels. Realistically, I probably do cross his mind very briefly, for 5 seconds every now and then. But that will cease one day. I hope it ceases for me one day. Soon.