He called!

Ah the small things!

I was sitting in a salon today, waiting for my favourite lady to finish her previous appointment, so I could have my spray tan done, when B called. Awww. I exited the shop for a few minutes to take the call. He said he was ringing to wish me "a very happy safe trip". He was just finishing off work, buying some smokes somewhere, and was with R. I asked him if he'd been enjoying his showers. :) He had a chuckle, and said that yeh, they'd been really good. Hes driving to work tonight, but I dont know if he is taking others, because he didn't say and I didn't ask. He knows Id want him to visit me, but I didn't want to sound naggy or whiny, or place that pressure on him.

He's not very forthright, and he may of been waiting for me to ask if I would be seeing him afterward then, but I also didn't want to hear him say no.

Anyhow, it was nice to hear from him, and he said "I'll see you when you come back then".

Yes please.

Destroy?

I keep thinking of B's message saying that he doesn't want to destroy his family and that they're the most important thing to him.

I get pissed off, and think, again, yeh, well go and fix it then.

What he's doing with me is the worst way to destroy his family, if it were ever found out.

My head

has a constant chatter inside it. I am always, ALWAYS thinking of B.

Part of me is content and happy and secure knowing now that he isn't going to be the one to end things with me, but I want more of him, I want more from him, so badly.

I had drinks with a man I met online a few weeks back, last night, at the local pub where B sometimes hangs out. Being Good Friday, and the place closing at 10pm, I didn't think B would be there (and also because he'd said on Tuesday he probably wouldn't be), and he indeed was not there. This man was nice. Polite. Easy to talk to. But there was no real spark. I probably would consider catching a movie or something, but don't want to lead him on. He's only freshly out of his marriage really too, so not sure he's really ready.

B works tonight at a different venue, so he'd probably be car-pooling, so I wouldn't get to see him. I wonder if Ill hear from him; its hard to stop wondering.

I'm very aware that each night he comes to me now, could potentially be our last time. I have envisaged what I want to do if he does come to me tonight.

I would answer the door in my black robe. We'd say hi, he'd give me a kiss as he walked in, and Id lead him down the hallway straight to my bedroom. He would put his things down, and Id hand him his usual glass of water (funny how some things are just known). I would have him standing so he could see himself in front of my mirrors, and I would stand in front of him, and start kissing him. Then I would let my robe fall, and underneath I am completely naked. So he can see me from behind as well as in front, because of the mirrors. After a little, I would start undressing him, and again, because of the mirrors, it would be like he can see from all angles. I would kiss his body all over, walking around behind him, and catch his eyes in the mirror. Id come back in front and suck his dick as I undressed the bottom half of him. And then...

I am so turned on just thinking about him...

And of course I am going to be completely disappointed if I don't hear from him tonight, or see him.

I leave tomorrow morning for our holiday.

Texts

And then 20 minutes later he sent me a text. It said "You are fucking sexy. God dammit".

"Enjoy your shower ;) " I replied.

He said "You know Ill be thinking of your sexy ass dont you?"

So many responses go through my head. "Make sure you make me scream" I wanted to say. But I told him how my body reacts ridiculously when I'm with him. I told him Id almost tripped crossing the road and how Id forgotten to lock the door of my car because my brain goes to mush. I told him I could almost come just by looking at him (not far from the truth I have to say) and that I wouldn't be needing any soap tonight 'cause I was slippery enough.

He said he hadn't noticed me tripping, but that hed been checking me out in the mirror. He said he was getting hard, just typing to me.

I didn't reply. I wanted to go hunt him down and smother him with my kisses.

I shake my head constantly in how futile every thing is.

Why? Why? Why?

To pull or not to pull?

So, remember how I go to this place once a month with my nan, and B's boss is the compere? Well, finally, after months of renovations, it started back today. A different format to previous days. Whatever. Also remember that the boss friended me? Anyway, as more of an excuse, I called B this morning to tell him I was about to see his boss, and asked whether he was likely to question me any further about things. B said no he didn't think so. We chatted a bit, and I asked him if Id be able to see him today, or tomorrow. Or Friday night even. Something. (He knows I go away on holiday soon so it will be a few weeks before I can see him). He said probably not... I was nice about everything, but I told him it didn't surprise me that he didn't say yes we could meet. We only spoke a couple of minutes. But after I hung up, I knew I would send the message Id planned yesterday...

I basically asked did he really think I was asking too much from him (to see him once in a while, other than our woohoo hour once a month?). I told him he couldn't have everything to do with this his way all the time. I also said I think he knows Ill always have a soft spot for him, and he takes advantage of that. I said I was hoping to meet his twin brother while away on holiday, but he'd (the person I met) have to at least make an effort to see me.

He replied saying yes he did think I was asking too much, but that he could understand from my point of view. He said he makes a big effort to see me, even though its not easy. Hes married with kids (um, hello! Think I know that already!), and that that is most important to him, but if things were different h would be all over me all of the time, because he loves being with me. He said "sorry if thats not good enough", and that he doesn't want to destroy his family.

Thank god the show was on at the time I received his text - was able to hide the tears I cried a little better.

Then I got angry. This is what Id been waiting for. I needed something that would get me riled up enough to head toward finishing things with him - for good.

So I replied: "Then you shouldn't be looking to fix whats wrong IN your marriage, outside it."

"What do you mean?" he asked. I sighed.

I replied along the lines of firstly asking why he came to me for sex. Was it because he didn't get it at home, or not enough? (I thought the latter was probably it). Or was he being more typical, and wanting his cake AND eat it too? Or was I the only one who told him how hot he is? I said that women love a man who works as hard as he does, but thats not all we want. (I was hinting, rather than actually saying, that he has some accountability in things going wrong). I told him to work on fixing what he's not happy with in his marriage.

And I was starting to feel good, that I was pointing him in the right direction - home.

He replied: "Put it this way. You're getting it as much as I am. And it is fucking great. What can I do?" So. I guess that means that they dont have sex. He'd kinda alluded to that point much earlier on in our relationship. And its "fucking great", as in, its horrible and sucks. And I know he wasn't really asking "What can I do?" as a real question...

My inner counsellor however kicked in. I basically said if what he was saying was true and that he wanted to be with her forever, then he needed to fix things now, because the longer things went on unfixed, the harder they'd be to mend. I said that shes a woman, not stupid, and surely in the back of her mind she must be wondering how he could "go without" for so long. I finished by saying he couldn't spend the next 50 years like this 'cause he knows he get busted one day.

An hour later, he texted me saying he could meet up.

Well look at that, I thought.

Here I was thinking I was ending things - you know, pushing him away, making him feel guilty, and I guess trying to help him resolve things at home (or at least start thinking about fixing them), after Id complained about not seeing him enough and him not making more of an effort, and then he organises to meet me after all.

I took a wrong turn to where we were to meet, and that took off a good 10 minutes of how long we had together. Grrr.

I parked the car, and almost tripped crossing the road, cause I was shaking in anticipation of seeing him. Then I realised I forgot to lock the car - I even left my phone in there, so I went back to lock it. I hopped in his work van, and he leaned over to kiss me hello, so I was a bit taken aback, because even though I didn't know what I was there for really, I didn't think a kiss would be part of it.

As usual I was self conscious, but feeling sexy all at once.

We talked about the club where Id just been, and a bit about the show. Told him Id grown up only a few streets away from where we were meeting in his his van. And then he said "See, I made an effort." and then that lead in to us talking about our situation. I said "So why are you here?" meaning, why had he organised to meet after all, but he replied "Because we have some work on a few streets away". I think he knew what I really meant though. He talked again about how it wasn't that easy to organise meet ups, and that really the only time was during work hours, but I pointed out that hed been able to organise this meet up after all, and that was fine. "See, you can do it" I pointed out.

He literally told me that it was up to me "to pull the pin", which I replied was a little unfair. Why should all the decision be on me? Why couldn't he pull the pin, especially if he thought I was hassalling him too much, but he said he was up to me. Kinda nice, in a strange, dysfunctional way.

I said, without putting tickets on myself, that he was kinda lucky, cause I didn't want anything else from him. "What do you mean?" he asked. And I said it wasn't that I didn't want anything else from him exactly, it was more that I knew there would never be anything else, but that I was after just a bit more effort of meeting up, not just an hour a month. I said considering all the stuff Id been through in the last few years, I would've thought Id been strong enough to just tell him to "fuck off" but I cant for some reason. I also said I didn't need this sort of complication, and that if it was just about having sex every day, I could get that anywhere, but it was because of him, himself.

I asked him how once a month could be possibly be enough for him. He sort of shrugged and said that like my thinking, it is better than nothing. Then I said "theres always the shower" and he chuckled "yeh".

Because I took my time meeting up with him, our time was short, and we were only there about 10 minutes before he said he really had to go, and that hed already had a call from R (workmate) wondering where he was. He said hed call me before I left (for holiday), and I said "No you wont." And when he asked why, I said it was because he never just calls me for no reason. He said "I called for your birthday" and I laughed and said that was because there was a reason! So, we'll see if he does...

He kissed me goodbye, and it was nice. I pulled him back for some more, and then finished before it got out of hand. And before I started crying. I had to put my sunnies back on my face as it was.

I said see ya, and that was that. I saw him watching me in the mirror as I crossed the road to my car, and stumbled in to it. I turned, he waved and I waved back.

I decided I would not contact him again, and would wait for his message or whatever when I returned from holiday. I somehow felt confident knowing that although our get togethers are not frequent, that he didn't want to end it. Still have inner turmoil, but feeling okay.

And another week.

I was in the city last night for an old school friends 40th birthday celebrations. And Id already told B that I probably wouldn't see him because of that. Still, I texted him around 8.30 with "seeing you?".

"Sorry sexy. Getting a lift. Would love to."

I replied "Not as much as I would. ;). Talk soon. x"

I'd even hidden my house keys somewhere, that I wouldve told him about had he been able too come by, and got there before I did.

So, thats that. Again.

Am I being unreasonable to think that he should be making a little more effort to try and meet up just for a quick chat or a cuddle every now and then? Is he taking advantage of how compromising I'm being, knowing that Id drop everything to be with him? How can he go weeks without anything from me? I dont want to live with him for fucks sake. He knows that. So why doesn't he make just a little more effort with me? For me?

Did He See?

The other day when B and I were talking, he'd said the only time he really gets out now for a drink is for a couple on a Friday afternoon after work, for an hour or two, and they dont hang about.

About 4.40pm, driving home from our day out (my kids and I), I drove past B's street as I often do, but couldn't see his work van, so instantly thought he must be having a beverage. I took my eldest daughter to work just before 6pm, got a prescription for my son filled at the Chemist, and grabbed a couple of groceries while waiting, and drove the longer way home, past B's. Again. Just after I passed his street, I saw, larger than life - meaning it was quite obvious that it was most likely his - van coming in the opposite direction, so, from the pub, on his way home. I looked down at the number plate, and sure enough, it was him.

He didn't flash his lights, or make to pull over, or any of those things. And no immediate text or anything, so, I dont know if he realised it was me. It was also dark by then, just before 6.30pm by that stage, so Id say he would've had more than one or two drinks since he finishes work at 4pm...

Sigh.

No Sunday

I didn't meet up with my girlfriend on the Sunday night; it got to difficult to coordinate. I dont know if B was there anyway. It rained too, and since they all hang about outside, probably not.

I had a long chat with another girlfriend last night; well, as long as an online chat would allow. Hard to go in to detail sometimes when typing. My mind goes faster than my fingers can type. I have the same feeling as always, of desperately wanting, and needing to see him, but that is mixed with guilt and resignation of not being able to change how some things are.

But today I texted to see if he was working Sunday. "Hey sexy-ass," he replied. "No, not working Sunday." I simply replied ":(".

And that was that.

But at least I know about Sunday now, and wont be wondering if Ill hear from him, or doing another crazy pointless drive by. :)

Sunday drive (by)

Okay, I know I'm obsessed. But I do have SOME control. :)

The last time B worked on a Sunday, was 4 weeks ago, the day after my birthday party - 13 March. Since he usually works every 4 weeks (and he wouldn't of worked last Sunday after HIS birthday), I thought he would be for sure today. So, I took a drive by just now.

8.30am, still in my jammies.

He only lives 4 or 5 minutes away. And the work van was still there. Maybe its next Sunday then... Anyway, if he had of been working, I'd decided I wouldn't send him a message anyway, so again, I dont know what the point of driving by was.

This afternoon I'm meant to be meeting a girlfriend at our local pub; she's going through relationship problems with her husband at the moment, and he's just told her he's considering divorce. So, we're going to have a chat over a drink or 2. And of course, I keep thinking, or wondering, if B will be there when we are...

Really is ridiculous. I need my head read. :)

A call

I called him about 11am, but only let it ring a few times 'cause I figured at that time of day he'd be actually busy, working. I knew he'd call back.

He called at 1.45am as I was finishing installing my washing machine. "Hello sexy arse" he said. I was taken aback and turned on all at once. He does swear ocassionally, but not often in general conversation if its just us two. Even during sex, and the other week for example when it was anal sex, he called it and asked if he could cum in my "ass".

I had found out that there was a possibility he was not working Saturday night, which is why I'd originally called him, and as it happened, the show had been cancelled due to lack of bookings. I told him it would probably be another 5 weeks then, until I saw him again... next Saturday my girlfriend wants to stay overnight in the city after a party, and the following weekend is Easter (and the show isn't on that Saturday night anyway), and then Im on a cruise for 2 weeks. :(

I asked him if the reason he hadn't invited me out for drinks lately (last time was in January!!) was because he'd told his work mate M that he wasn't seeing me anymore, and B said no, it was because simply no one had been going out. They have their one or two beers on a Friday, and then all go home. No extra money to throw around, and now also the weather is getting cooler so they just beverage at home...

We talked about 10 minutes, about a bunch of different things. It was great to hear his voice. Funny how a simple thing can make me feel okay for a while.

He said he had to go because they (the boys, as in his work mates I think) were starting to ask questions. I get the impression hed given them the idea he was on a work call, getting details for the next job they were supposed to be at...

Anyway, no commitment as to when we'd see each other or even speak, which is usual.

Just "soon''.

Birthday and The Wife

I sent B a message for his birthday Saturday night, and reminded him that it had been a year since our "first" time. Said I wished I could end his night with him. He replied a few hours later with "thanks for the birthday wishes too sweet".

I also thought I saw him do a drive-by past my house today in his sports car; I was walking thought my lounge room and saw a car, same colour including number plates. Actually, I heard the car first, then saw it. I texted B about that too, but he said it wasn't him.

Sunday I saw the same car again (heard it first), and I noticed it had a spoiler on the rear, and B's doesn't have that, and then, funnily enough, I'm pretty sure I saw it again near B's house later that day as I went to a shopping centre.

Anyway. Here it is Wednesday, and Ive been thinking more and more about his wife. There really is a part of me that thinks she should know just what a low-life he is, for doing this to her. I wish there was some way I could tell her, without revealing myself, and without B figuring out that it was me that's told her.

On the way home from the gym, I detoured past her friends work, where I saw that one time. I parked the car, and walked past the business, but it was closed. Again, I dont know what I wouldve done.

I am very confused about the whole thing. Part of me tries to justify things by saying well, I'm not seeing anyone else anyway. May aswell continue things. And the other part knows its all wrong, and that I would no doubt get replaced at some point.

Considering what Ive been through in my life, I would of thought I'm strong enough to just finish things. But I know I would have to change my mobile number. I know he wouldn't chase me; if I changed my number, and he sent me a text, nothing comes up saying the text didn't go through (I know this because just this morning I tried it on a girlfriends phone who just changed her number yesterday). He would need to call me to have "call failed" appear.

And I keep thinking, well, lets just have one more night. And then Ill change the number. And then I go back to, "well, theres no one else anyway right now."

I guess its the whole principle of the thing.

And then back to the wife, wouldn't you want to know if your partner was cheating?

I wouldn't tell her to hope to get him to be with me. Simply that she deserves better. She really does look lovely...

Sigh.