To pull or not to pull?

So, remember how I go to this place once a month with my nan, and B's boss is the compere? Well, finally, after months of renovations, it started back today. A different format to previous days. Whatever. Also remember that the boss friended me? Anyway, as more of an excuse, I called B this morning to tell him I was about to see his boss, and asked whether he was likely to question me any further about things. B said no he didn't think so. We chatted a bit, and I asked him if Id be able to see him today, or tomorrow. Or Friday night even. Something. (He knows I go away on holiday soon so it will be a few weeks before I can see him). He said probably not... I was nice about everything, but I told him it didn't surprise me that he didn't say yes we could meet. We only spoke a couple of minutes. But after I hung up, I knew I would send the message Id planned yesterday...

I basically asked did he really think I was asking too much from him (to see him once in a while, other than our woohoo hour once a month?). I told him he couldn't have everything to do with this his way all the time. I also said I think he knows Ill always have a soft spot for him, and he takes advantage of that. I said I was hoping to meet his twin brother while away on holiday, but he'd (the person I met) have to at least make an effort to see me.

He replied saying yes he did think I was asking too much, but that he could understand from my point of view. He said he makes a big effort to see me, even though its not easy. Hes married with kids (um, hello! Think I know that already!), and that that is most important to him, but if things were different h would be all over me all of the time, because he loves being with me. He said "sorry if thats not good enough", and that he doesn't want to destroy his family.

Thank god the show was on at the time I received his text - was able to hide the tears I cried a little better.

Then I got angry. This is what Id been waiting for. I needed something that would get me riled up enough to head toward finishing things with him - for good.

So I replied: "Then you shouldn't be looking to fix whats wrong IN your marriage, outside it."

"What do you mean?" he asked. I sighed.

I replied along the lines of firstly asking why he came to me for sex. Was it because he didn't get it at home, or not enough? (I thought the latter was probably it). Or was he being more typical, and wanting his cake AND eat it too? Or was I the only one who told him how hot he is? I said that women love a man who works as hard as he does, but thats not all we want. (I was hinting, rather than actually saying, that he has some accountability in things going wrong). I told him to work on fixing what he's not happy with in his marriage.

And I was starting to feel good, that I was pointing him in the right direction - home.

He replied: "Put it this way. You're getting it as much as I am. And it is fucking great. What can I do?" So. I guess that means that they dont have sex. He'd kinda alluded to that point much earlier on in our relationship. And its "fucking great", as in, its horrible and sucks. And I know he wasn't really asking "What can I do?" as a real question...

My inner counsellor however kicked in. I basically said if what he was saying was true and that he wanted to be with her forever, then he needed to fix things now, because the longer things went on unfixed, the harder they'd be to mend. I said that shes a woman, not stupid, and surely in the back of her mind she must be wondering how he could "go without" for so long. I finished by saying he couldn't spend the next 50 years like this 'cause he knows he get busted one day.

An hour later, he texted me saying he could meet up.

Well look at that, I thought.

Here I was thinking I was ending things - you know, pushing him away, making him feel guilty, and I guess trying to help him resolve things at home (or at least start thinking about fixing them), after Id complained about not seeing him enough and him not making more of an effort, and then he organises to meet me after all.

I took a wrong turn to where we were to meet, and that took off a good 10 minutes of how long we had together. Grrr.

I parked the car, and almost tripped crossing the road, cause I was shaking in anticipation of seeing him. Then I realised I forgot to lock the car - I even left my phone in there, so I went back to lock it. I hopped in his work van, and he leaned over to kiss me hello, so I was a bit taken aback, because even though I didn't know what I was there for really, I didn't think a kiss would be part of it.

As usual I was self conscious, but feeling sexy all at once.

We talked about the club where Id just been, and a bit about the show. Told him Id grown up only a few streets away from where we were meeting in his his van. And then he said "See, I made an effort." and then that lead in to us talking about our situation. I said "So why are you here?" meaning, why had he organised to meet after all, but he replied "Because we have some work on a few streets away". I think he knew what I really meant though. He talked again about how it wasn't that easy to organise meet ups, and that really the only time was during work hours, but I pointed out that hed been able to organise this meet up after all, and that was fine. "See, you can do it" I pointed out.

He literally told me that it was up to me "to pull the pin", which I replied was a little unfair. Why should all the decision be on me? Why couldn't he pull the pin, especially if he thought I was hassalling him too much, but he said he was up to me. Kinda nice, in a strange, dysfunctional way.

I said, without putting tickets on myself, that he was kinda lucky, cause I didn't want anything else from him. "What do you mean?" he asked. And I said it wasn't that I didn't want anything else from him exactly, it was more that I knew there would never be anything else, but that I was after just a bit more effort of meeting up, not just an hour a month. I said considering all the stuff Id been through in the last few years, I would've thought Id been strong enough to just tell him to "fuck off" but I cant for some reason. I also said I didn't need this sort of complication, and that if it was just about having sex every day, I could get that anywhere, but it was because of him, himself.

I asked him how once a month could be possibly be enough for him. He sort of shrugged and said that like my thinking, it is better than nothing. Then I said "theres always the shower" and he chuckled "yeh".

Because I took my time meeting up with him, our time was short, and we were only there about 10 minutes before he said he really had to go, and that hed already had a call from R (workmate) wondering where he was. He said hed call me before I left (for holiday), and I said "No you wont." And when he asked why, I said it was because he never just calls me for no reason. He said "I called for your birthday" and I laughed and said that was because there was a reason! So, we'll see if he does...

He kissed me goodbye, and it was nice. I pulled him back for some more, and then finished before it got out of hand. And before I started crying. I had to put my sunnies back on my face as it was.

I said see ya, and that was that. I saw him watching me in the mirror as I crossed the road to my car, and stumbled in to it. I turned, he waved and I waved back.

I decided I would not contact him again, and would wait for his message or whatever when I returned from holiday. I somehow felt confident knowing that although our get togethers are not frequent, that he didn't want to end it. Still have inner turmoil, but feeling okay.