Ive started the ball rolling...

Yesterday, Sunday, after I took my daughter to work, I did my usual out-of-the-way drive-by past B's street. Again, it serves no purpose. I just do it.

On my way home, I saw him driving from the opposite direction. Well, I saw his car. As he got closer I saw it was him, with his cap on. I didn't have time to notice if anyone else was in the car, only that there was no wave or acknowledgement. No text saying "hey pull over and we'll catch up for 10 minutes".

And I'm thinking 'this is fucked'.

An hour and a half later, I risked it, and sent him an sms: "For both of us, I think we know what needs to happen now. But after 15 months, I cant do it via text. So let me know ASAP when we can meet".

I went to our local pub (where B goes) last night with two girlfriends (not my suggestion) who are both aware of what is going on, and we talked about it a little. B has every second Monday off (which would be today), but I didn't see him last night.

I am so sad. I am devastated. I cant believe I fell so hard for someone I cant have. I am a grown, attractive woman, who could have a decent pick of the bunch. Shit.

I haven't heard anything, and its 24 hours since I sent the message. I dont know either when to expect contact from him. Perhaps he'll 'pfft' it and think I'm not serious. Or that its just another way to get attention. I imagine he'll call during the week, perhaps on his way home from work, and will say something like "So I got your text. What's this shit?"

I play out the conversation in my head over and over, what Id say. I dont expect he'll come after me and beg, which is why I guess its taken me a while to finally reach this point, because I have to know that once this is done, he wont be there any more. And I started the ball rolling because it has to be done. I knew once I put it out there, it is for good this time, and I cant renege.