Shift Focus to "what is"

and not the "'if only".

Easier said than done though.

I have had a little contact with B over the last few weeks; all my initiation and all very unfulfilling.

I went to the club with my nan, for the last time for a while as I'm about to commence study, and we took a few photos with some of the other ladies, band members and compere (who, if you remember, B works with sometimes). I sent B a message letting him know I could meet up later but he replied that he couldn't (today).

A few days later, I asked him if he'd received an email Id sent to his work providing the number of a physiotherapist Id heard was great, because he had a continual sore shoulder and back. He said Id sent it via text, thanks, but that he'd ended up going to his regular physio and had exercises to do.

That was that.

And then last Tuesday I asked him if he'd noticed on the social network site that on the comperes 'wall' there was the photo Id put up from the day at the club (and obviously I'm in it), and then only a few days later, a friend of his had put up a photo a few years old of him (B) in a group. I found it a little funny we were on the same page. He said he hadn't seen it, and would check it out.

I knew he would check it out that night, Tuesday, because I know the wife goes to a gym class.

Everything on my profile is set to private, so you cant even see who my friends are. I changed my "About me" to read: "Knows I desperately need to pull that pin, cause we cant have our cake and eat it too. but for now ill pretend what I feel doesn’t matter, and you can pretend to be happy in your ‘safe’ option." I assume that when he looked at the pic of me, he'd click through to my profile, so that that quote is what he'd see.

That night, when I myself got home from the gym, I checked his MySpace account, and noticed he'd logged in with that days date (he hadn't logged in for about 3 months previously), so I can safely assume he would've checked the other one. And I changed my "About Me" to "Happiness is a choice. If it's important, you'll find a way. If it isn't, you'll find an excuse ♥". I love it. It's a keeper.

Of course I didn't hear back about any of it.

Last night I had dinner with friends, and I was soooo tired. It was 10.15 and I just wanted to crash. On the way home Id driven past B's and noticed his work van was parked on the street so I assume he drove to work last night. I sent him a playful message saying I was just coming home from dinner, wondering if Id see him, or if Id have to reacquaint myself with my 'rabbit'. An hour later he replied "I cant. Sorry".

I couldn't really say "But didn't you drive?" and asking "Why?" is too whiny. But I do find his short reply a little odd, unless of course my 'message' on the social network site made him realise how serious I feel. I felt a mixture of things; pissed off. Resigned. Sad. Confused. Wasn't going to reply but decided I would. I'm tired of being nice. And safe. And easy. I said "Sorry? Yeah right. Night. x" To be honest I almost finished it with him then and there. But I didn't want to do it via a text message, and this is something that will definitely need closure, especially for me.

I guess Ill do the ol' "not contact him for a few weeks thing", and then message him to say "What's going on."

And I didnt bother with the rabbit.