A Week

So, around this time a week ago, I heard from B.

Ive been a bit of an emotional mess today; yesterday and today Ive had a short fuse with my kids. I dreamt about my "friend'' who Ive written about (let's call him Michael). I think in the dream he made it obvious he wanted to pursue things with me. I also dreamt about a guy that I met out the other week who I have my number to, because I thought my girlfriend knew him and I figured if she knew him, he'd be okay because Id trust her with my life (turns out she met him one time out shopping or something!). He was a tad sleazy. This guy texted me a few times, but I ignored him, which I felt horrible about, and in the dream he walked by me, looked back over his shoulder at me, shook his head, and kept walking.

Yesterday I texted B about something work related. 2 brief texts each.

And I keep thinking about him. I hate it. It's like I cant switch the fucker off. And Ive had a few fat tear drops fall, as Ive been driving or whatever. I know, I absolutely KNOW, that there will never be anything more with us. I detest that he has cheated on his wife, and that he drinks so much, and I somehow push those things aside 'cause I don't need to deal with those myself. I understand now its like some kind of cycle he goes through which he would totally deny; a period of where he plays the good husband, then he starts getting itchy feet and has a night out or an opportunity to drive to his other job which would mean he could stop by my place, and then Id see him. Then he'd feel horrendously guilty for the next few weeks, and thus begins the cycle again. So that by week 6 or 7, I'd probably see him. Why do I have to think about HIM? There are plenty of guys who are single (not that I manage to meet them).

My friend 'Michael' has sent little messages here and there throughout the week, and he actually called me this morning from his work. He thought perhaps I was annoyed at him or disappointed; he's been able to sense somethings not right by my messages or lack of response. Another thing I feel totally horrible about. I told him I wasn't annoyed, but am truing to give him space to see what else is out there and get on with things. What I didn't say is that I'm also confused as all get out and am not sure what direction I want things to go with him... he starting hedging about doing something tonight, or even tomorrow night, but Fridays, as Ive already discussed, I dont go out much, and tomorrow night I'm out with a girlfriend.

Part of me wants to experience what else is out there too... just wish it was little more forthcoming. I desperately need to move on from B. Even writing just that has me sobbing.

Ive eaten too much chocolate and feel like shit. I'm only 56 kilos but feel like an elephant right now.

As Ive said, I'm out tomorrow night with a girlfriend, but have already said to her I don't want a late night or a big one for that matter because I need to be able to get stuck in to some study on Sunday, rather than spend the day recovering... part of it is due to lack of funds at the mo', but the other part, not that i will openly admit to anyone, is that I want to be within 1/2 hours distance of home should B message me.

Mostly, and realistically, I know I wont hear from him, but just in case... (and that pisses me off that I am choosing to put my life on hold, or make plans etc, around that sorry fucker of a man).