Phone call

I decided to send a reply, and rather than try explain things in a text and have the meaning get lost I asked him to call me when he he was able.

We've just been on the phone, for about 20 minutes.

And all I can conclude is that he's just a plain and simple guy. He still makes excuses. And he will not be strong enough to stand up for important things.

I told him that anything I say isn't to make him feel more guilty, or worse, about things (he said he knows that). I said being female, I could talk about feelings and emotions til the cows come home, but I purposely don't say a lot of stuff. He said it wouldn't change things anyway (can he guess the depth of my feelings?). He said that he just got carried away the other night, and remembered that I sometimes go to the place he was at, and thought I may already be there. He blames "the piss", and knows he needs to stop going out, because "things have been good, you know?" and that he's been able to sleep at night. "There's obviously stuff you need to address" I said, but he says that everything is good, and that nothing needs to be looked at. He said that everythings all good when he's with me, but the next day he feels like shit and says to himself "what the fuck have I done?" I said that I didn't intend on having this kind of heavy conversation, and that I just want to keep things light and easy. I told him I don't sit around waiting for him ("oh, good!"), because I know that wont ever happen, as much as I may want it, so I try not to think about it. I said how crazy this all is, and he agrees. He said he thought for sure I would've hooked up with someone by now, and I told him about my one night stand from back in March, and that I had two offers to go out Friday night but wanted to be with him. He didn't think pursuing things with a 24 year old was a big deal. He said that when I tell him Ive met someone that would make it easier, because then he'd think 'nah, shes got someone" and he'd leave me alone. I said that I realise there's hotter and less complicated girls out there, that he could be with, and he said "No, I just need to stop getting on the piss and going out. And there is no one else. Its just wrong. I shouldn't be doing it to begin with." I said "And you know what guys are like; they just want one thing. They're either too young and its a cougar thing with me, or the older guys are not confident or something. I have had a couple of relationships, so I know what I want and don't want. It makes me sound picky, but I'm not going to settle for just anyone. And if its just about sex, I know where I can get that and it will be good." I also said something about our relationship being built on a lie, but that he doesn't need to lie to me, so if he felt like he wouldn't see me again, he should tell me now, so I'm not left wondering. But he couldn't do that. He said "I don't lie to you" but also couldn't say he wouldn't ever see me again, but was also non-committal about there being a 'next time'. I said "so, I have to ask, did you have sex of any kind with anyone in Thailand, this time, or last time you went?" and he said "nope. I didn't.". I told him that obviously if he did, I would need to know, not to judge him, but because If I end up catching anything, Id certainly be letting him know. And that because we had unprotected sex... But again, he said no. Then he asked if I was still on the pill, and I said of course, and that while that could be a problem for him (as in me getting pregnant), me getting a disease is the issue for me.

So we've agreed that he will remain in contact at least from time to time. He said he agrees that to have 'nothing' wouldn't be okay. I said it didn't have to be about sex, but just a catch up or hello is something. I said there's obviously something going on (here) with us but Ive given up trying to make sense of it.

At the end he said "Okay, so, we're sorted?" I said "yeah, all good. And again, lets make that the last time we talk heavy stuff. Lets keep it light and easy." "Sounds good," he said.

He said "talk soon" but I know it will be a while.

And, although Ive teared up, I haven't cried! Yay! :)