Friday, June 11, 2010
I called B this morning just after 11am, thinking that if I got in early enough, we could work it so that we could meet on his way home from work this afternoon. He didn't answer, but I knew he'd call back, which he did. Turns out he had today off, to make the long weekend a really long weekend... He said he was out and about til about 1pm, and then he'd be "off air". When he called back, I had someone here to help move a special piece of furniture from my current address to the new one, and I was worried the timing would be all out, so I said Id call him back. Thankfully, I called him back with 43 minutes before his "off air" time (I made a joke of it with him) and when he asked where we could meet, I told him that was his department, so he said he'd call back when he worked out a spot. Coincidentally, he decided on a reserve only 2 minutes from my new place and across from where my daughters attend high school.
I knew from the fact that he didn't meet with me over the last couple of days that he was a bit wary, or hesitant, or worried about what I wanted to say. Perhaps he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant? Or that I was going to flip out? Or get all emotional?
He didn't kiss me hello, and I took that as a sign too...
We chatted a little about general stuff, and then he asked what it was I wanted to see him about that just "couldn't be said over the phone". I started off by telling him that it was stupid of me to promise as I did in the email that I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me. I knew as soon as Id sent that that it was a mistake, and I apologised for breaking my promise. Eventually I talked about the other email, and explained, or tried to, that I didn't blame him for how I was feeling, or how I do feel, because that's just who I am. I feel deeply anyway. And its not because he's promised anything. I told him Id got upset that he'd said he see me in a month, and that I had wanted to say "What about rehearsals? What about texting or a call? What about 10 minutes at the lake?" He said he hadn't meant "nothing" for a month, just no nights, but he thought Id know what he meant. I then said how that was my next mistake; to just let him go without talking about it then and there. Its not like we're in a "normal" relationship where we can just talk about things the next day for example. I said I never expected that he would just duck out for an hour on a Saturday night to come and see me. B asked what Id meant when I said I "just cant do this anymore", and I replied that at the time I couldn't, but Ive had two weeks to sort things out. He said I needed to get and meet someone, and I tried explaining that I do get out, but that I didn't think it likely Id meet a life-long partner at a night club, and that the person Id be with would need to see "me" for who i really am, and all that I come with like my kids and situation. I told him that we were doing this (affair) for different reasons, and that it sounded horrible, but he is for me an "in between" until I find someone. I also acknowledged that girls -me - tend to over think things (just like the "month long" thing) and we speak 25 words to a guys single word, which he had a chuckle in agreement to.
"So, what do you want?" he asked me. "For things to go back to how they were" I replied.
Basically, he is worried "shit will eventually hit the fan". He says (this) is doing his head in, and he's worried I'm getting too attached (he's probably right about that part, but no way would I admit it). He knows how wrong this is, and he's been trying to spend more time at home (to appease his guilt perhaps?), and he's just not "sure". He reckons it's even reached the point where he's considering turning his phone off more... with that he's referring to a call I made accidentally on the Sunday night I went to the musical, and then stopped by the pub on the way home; as I got out of the car I realised I'd accidentally called him, but I thought Id stopped the call before it'd started ringing - obviously not. And the message of "hey" Id sent last Saturday night when Id sent the email "promising" I wouldn't contact him. And finally the 2 calls I made Monday afternoon, around 4.30, and he texted me saying he'd call me the next day. I totally disagree with how much he feels Ive been contacting him; those 3 times I referred to were in the last 2 weeks, and because I wanted to sort things out. I either didn't realise that Id been calling, or Id contacting thinking he'd be alone or at work.
He told me he's not sure he sees the point in it continuing because it (him and me) isn't going to go anywhere anyway.
I told him that if I hadn't of said anything that Saturday night, that we'd still be continuing things, and now the tables were turned, and he's the one wondering about things. So I kept trying to reassure him saying "Its fine. Do what you feel you need to do." He asked "So you'd be okay, and wouldn't go all funny on me if I said "that's it?". I replied that Id be upset, but Id be okay, and asked if he thought Id flip out or something? He said yeah, and I reassured him I wasn't about to call his wife or do anything crazy like that. Then he said he thought we should just cool it for a bit. Which is frustrating really, because any cooler, and we wouldn't have a relationship at all. I told him that would leave it in his hands, and he could call me when he was ready. I again promised that I wouldn't contact him, but this time I knew I meant it.
As we were leaving each other, he said, quite pointedly, "so I'm off work til next Wednesday", and I put my hands up, defensively, and with a little shake of my head said "hey, I'm not contacting you. I said I wouldn't".
I could see he was struggling the whole time, with feeling uncomfortable and unsure of things. He was biting his lip, and I saw a myriad of expressions play across his face. It was almost as though there were a jumble of words just behind his lips, and that if he'd opened his mouth, all his thoughts would've tumbled out. I could also see this confusion, as we said our farewells, and I made to get in my car; he went to come to my side of the car, went back to his side, and then came back to me, and kissed me. Just a firm closed mouth kiss. "I thought we weren't doing any of that?" I asked. "I'm just kissing a friend see ya later" he replied.
I got in the car, and a big fat tear drop slid down my cheek from under my sunnies.
And as much as it does hurt, its time to move on.
I knew from the fact that he didn't meet with me over the last couple of days that he was a bit wary, or hesitant, or worried about what I wanted to say. Perhaps he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant? Or that I was going to flip out? Or get all emotional?
He didn't kiss me hello, and I took that as a sign too...
We chatted a little about general stuff, and then he asked what it was I wanted to see him about that just "couldn't be said over the phone". I started off by telling him that it was stupid of me to promise as I did in the email that I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me. I knew as soon as Id sent that that it was a mistake, and I apologised for breaking my promise. Eventually I talked about the other email, and explained, or tried to, that I didn't blame him for how I was feeling, or how I do feel, because that's just who I am. I feel deeply anyway. And its not because he's promised anything. I told him Id got upset that he'd said he see me in a month, and that I had wanted to say "What about rehearsals? What about texting or a call? What about 10 minutes at the lake?" He said he hadn't meant "nothing" for a month, just no nights, but he thought Id know what he meant. I then said how that was my next mistake; to just let him go without talking about it then and there. Its not like we're in a "normal" relationship where we can just talk about things the next day for example. I said I never expected that he would just duck out for an hour on a Saturday night to come and see me. B asked what Id meant when I said I "just cant do this anymore", and I replied that at the time I couldn't, but Ive had two weeks to sort things out. He said I needed to get and meet someone, and I tried explaining that I do get out, but that I didn't think it likely Id meet a life-long partner at a night club, and that the person Id be with would need to see "me" for who i really am, and all that I come with like my kids and situation. I told him that we were doing this (affair) for different reasons, and that it sounded horrible, but he is for me an "in between" until I find someone. I also acknowledged that girls -me - tend to over think things (just like the "month long" thing) and we speak 25 words to a guys single word, which he had a chuckle in agreement to.
"So, what do you want?" he asked me. "For things to go back to how they were" I replied.
Basically, he is worried "shit will eventually hit the fan". He says (this) is doing his head in, and he's worried I'm getting too attached (he's probably right about that part, but no way would I admit it). He knows how wrong this is, and he's been trying to spend more time at home (to appease his guilt perhaps?), and he's just not "sure". He reckons it's even reached the point where he's considering turning his phone off more... with that he's referring to a call I made accidentally on the Sunday night I went to the musical, and then stopped by the pub on the way home; as I got out of the car I realised I'd accidentally called him, but I thought Id stopped the call before it'd started ringing - obviously not. And the message of "hey" Id sent last Saturday night when Id sent the email "promising" I wouldn't contact him. And finally the 2 calls I made Monday afternoon, around 4.30, and he texted me saying he'd call me the next day. I totally disagree with how much he feels Ive been contacting him; those 3 times I referred to were in the last 2 weeks, and because I wanted to sort things out. I either didn't realise that Id been calling, or Id contacting thinking he'd be alone or at work.
He told me he's not sure he sees the point in it continuing because it (him and me) isn't going to go anywhere anyway.
I told him that if I hadn't of said anything that Saturday night, that we'd still be continuing things, and now the tables were turned, and he's the one wondering about things. So I kept trying to reassure him saying "Its fine. Do what you feel you need to do." He asked "So you'd be okay, and wouldn't go all funny on me if I said "that's it?". I replied that Id be upset, but Id be okay, and asked if he thought Id flip out or something? He said yeah, and I reassured him I wasn't about to call his wife or do anything crazy like that. Then he said he thought we should just cool it for a bit. Which is frustrating really, because any cooler, and we wouldn't have a relationship at all. I told him that would leave it in his hands, and he could call me when he was ready. I again promised that I wouldn't contact him, but this time I knew I meant it.
As we were leaving each other, he said, quite pointedly, "so I'm off work til next Wednesday", and I put my hands up, defensively, and with a little shake of my head said "hey, I'm not contacting you. I said I wouldn't".
I could see he was struggling the whole time, with feeling uncomfortable and unsure of things. He was biting his lip, and I saw a myriad of expressions play across his face. It was almost as though there were a jumble of words just behind his lips, and that if he'd opened his mouth, all his thoughts would've tumbled out. I could also see this confusion, as we said our farewells, and I made to get in my car; he went to come to my side of the car, went back to his side, and then came back to me, and kissed me. Just a firm closed mouth kiss. "I thought we weren't doing any of that?" I asked. "I'm just kissing a friend see ya later" he replied.
I got in the car, and a big fat tear drop slid down my cheek from under my sunnies.
And as much as it does hurt, its time to move on.
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