Confusing

Having a very emotional day today... cried myself to sleep last night, and I don't remember the last time Ive done that, especially over a guy. Cried on my way to work. Cried on my way home. I can't believe how much my heart aches. But am I crying because of B himself, or am I crying over the fact that there is no other man in the wings either?

My girlfriend L sent me a message saying to keep in mind alcohol is a depressant and that I feel worse today because of my binge on Saturday night. Could be right. So, what does that mean then? Don't make any sudden decisions today?

After taking my kids to school, I drove past B's house to check, but as I thought, his work van was still parked there; he has a flexi every second Monday. I have an email ready to send him tomorrow morning reminding him that I can be flexible with meeting up with him. I want to see him as much as possible for the next 2 weeks, so we can talk properly, and then we'll see what the 29th brings.

I'm confused because I don't want someone living here with me (and my kids) full time, but I would love to know when we will catch up. Its hard to explain; I know B and I will catch up within the week and probably on the Saturday, but I need more than that. I know that nothing more will ever come of our relationship, but I dont want to be just a fuck buddy.