Hopeless

I am trying to get myself angry on purpose. Which is quite a weird feeling. As I've said, I think I need to get angry so that I can vent, and have an excuse to tell B to piss off and leave me alone, since Im not strong enough to do it on my own. I need to goad him a little, so that he reacts, gets defensive or gives me excuses or something...

I keep thinking about my 'friend', (let me call him Michael), and trying to make that final decision on whether he be the one I that I stop things with B for...

But I fully acknowledge I want my cake and eat it too, where B is concerned. Still. So, I'm trying to compromise. I figured if I could find out ahead of time if I would be seeing B Saturday night, and depending on his answer, I either could start to get angry, and use that as a way to end things, or, we have our time together, and then I continue things with Michael, see where that goes and if it doesn't work out, B will be there (maybe).

Perhaps you cant see my line of thinking, but I know what I mean.

And if I did see B on the Saturday night, I would organise to hang out with Michael on the Sunday...

So. I sent B a message saying "Am I gonna see you Saturday night?". He's replied with "Possibly" and then went on to say that he thought our last time was the last time.

Which I got confused about. I did indeed say that it was meant to be our last time. But as he was leaving that night, he said something about seeing me soon or again or something. There were no final words of "I had a great time, thanks for everything" or... I don't know. Just nothing final. (Although reading back over that post he did say it "was bloody great"... maybe he meant the whole of time, not just that particular night??).

And as I replied to him, we've met up since then. Just a few weeks ago, he made the effort to meet up with me and that's when he told me it was up to me to 'pull the pin' and that he had sex as often as I did (claiming he only has sex with me). And he called me to wish me well on my trip, and called afterward to see how it went... If he thought that that was our last night, why are we even still in contact?

I also replied "I guess we're both hopeless... but if you'd rather it finished..."

I haven't heard back; those messages were around 2.30pm yesterday. Suppose Ill need to wait til tomorrow night now...

Because he shares driving with others and they carpool, once a month has stretched to maybe once every 2 months.

A lot can happen in those weeks between. I could pursue a relationship with either Michael, or that either guy I met online (he wants to meet up again), and it could all fizzle in a matter of weeks. Of course I don't want to think negatively on purpose, or think that B will always be there, or that some miracle will happen and he'll do something drastic to be with me forever.

I'm just looking at options. Scenarios. Possibilities.