Excuses

I texted just after 12am. Ah! My stupid teenage actions! I said, ''Gee, nice of you to let me know". And when he hadn't replied 30 minutes later, I called. And he didn't answer! So, I took that as a sign that rather than tell me himself that it was over, he'd just avoid me.

I then sent a text Id draughted a few days earlier. It said "one thing Ive learned about you is that you're good at making excuses and avoiding things. (Insert wife's name) and others may have to listen, but I don't. I'm just someone you fucked a few times."

And then I bawled. And bawled. The pain in my heart was raw. And I had to release it.

In my head I know that I should just finish it. Close that door so I can move on. But Ive never felt so strongly about anyone. Its crazy.

I yelled out cuss words and vented. I cried so hard, knowing it was better out than in.

And I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I got up and started watching comedian Ricky Gervais.

And 20 minutes later, B texted!

"Nice." he said. He said he was just leaving, he was carpooling, and that he was going to see if Id like a visit, but he said I "clearly" was "not up for one".

"I'd love one'' I quickly replied.

I thought he would say he wasnt going to come by, but he came.

I tried to freshen up a little; my face was blotchy from crying and my eyes were puffy...

He kissed me hello, but the mood was a little tight. He commented on my "shitty" text. I said I was sorry for sending it, but not for what it said. He looked tired. He had apparently worked today as well - doing more work on Saturdays now, rather than Sundays. We talked a bit about his work, while standing in my kitchen. I kinda touched him, but wasnt all over him. I didnt know how long he was there for, and even said that he'd never come to my place this late. He explained that it just depended on what everyone was doing, and who was there etc. They are carpooling a lot more now, and he knows that makes things more difficult for him and me.

But he said "Im just trying to do the right thing." I just sorta shrugged. Trying to do the right thing? What the hell are you doing at my house then?? Why couldnt I actually say that?

(On a side note, I guess I dont rock the boat too much - or I try not to, because we come together for convenience. I know Im not meant to be the nagging, whinging other-half for him. It's meant to be easy and relaxed).

He asked to see the photos from my trip. I said Id show him on my iphone. We went to my room where my phone was and sat on the bed. There were hundreds of photos so I quickly scrolled through them. I had some fancy dress costumes hanging up for a couple of parties that are coming up, so we talked about that. But somehow I could tell he wasnt that interested in chatting. It was obvious he was exhausted. But I didnt know exactly what he wanted from me either... He laid back on my bed, and I lay down beside him, my head resting on his arm, and we talked some more, and I fiddled with him, or his jacket or whatever. B said how nice it was just to lay down, and stretch out. He would love to have a week off to just do nothing. I asked him if he was planning another holiday soon; the family were apparently thinking of going to Fiji next month but he's decided not to because he thought it too expensive after all. He sat up to have a drink of water, and then said something about having to go. We kissed, and I asked him if hed said what time he had to be home, and he said no, so I said "then stay for a bit". We kissed some more, he started feeling me... I told him not to start what he couldnt finish. I stopped so he could get up, but I got up instead, and I dont remember how now, but I think he said something again about the text Id sent him, and couldnt believe Id said the last part about it being just fucking. He was still sitting on the bed, and I straddled him and kissed him. I said, "but thats all it is. Its just that. And Id do better reminding myself of that". So we kissed more and he was feeling me... and we were also talking in amongst that aswell. I told him I dont just sit around waiting for him, and that I sort of was seeing two other guys which he said was great. "They're both nice guys" I said, "But, youre the one I wanna... sit on." He gave a chuckle and shook his head. "Why is that?" he asked. "I dont know," I said. "It's not like I asked for this." We kissed more and he kept feeling me. "If you dont stop, Im not gonna let you go". He paused for about 3 seconds, and kissed me and kept his fingers inside me. In a little while he said "if you can make it quick..." and this time I paused, because with him theres no such thing as quick. But then I pushed him on to his back on my bed, and started undressing him...

I dont know if its just my own guilt, but sometimes I feel like I can feel his conflict with things. He wants to be with me, but knows he shouldnt be. I sensed that again, but we kept going. I put the condom on, and rode him. And within just a few minutes, he said "Im not gonna last five minutes like that" and I said "Yeh? Thats the idea" but he sorted of grunted and pulled out. I put him back inside me and said, softly, "Blow" and again he kind of grunted, and I said, again softly, encouragingly, his name, and "blow". And he did.

"Wow," I said. "Ive been waiting a year for that." "For what?" B asked. "For a quickie. Youre full of suprises." He chuckled and went off to the bathroom.

I have to admit, he left very quickly... I dont think I even got a hug. Got the usual "It was good to see you" and the briefest of kisses. As he was leaving we talked a little again about how it was getting more difficult for him to come by, and I wondered out loud if he could just give me some notice. He said again how he often didnt know til the last minute, if he was driving especially, what was happening with everyone (he was carpooling with). And he also mentioned how usually Im the one who contacts him on a Saturday night, but I didnt last week. "No, I know I always message you first. I purposely didnt last week." He said he obviously couldnt come by, because he got a lift, and I said Id gathered that. I suggested that maybe he ring, rather than text, if it was late at night because I didnt want to miss his message, like that Friday back in March...

And then he was gone.