Sunday, May 16, 2010
I came to a decision tonight. I don't know how I'm gonna go sticking to the plan, but Ive been crying since making it, and I know that somewhere within me, it has to happen.
For the next 2 weeks, I expect I will see B after his regular Saturday gig. Im gonna put myself out there for him, and let him see everything I can during whatever time we have. If I want to say something, I wont hold back. If I want to touch him or have him touch me, theres no reservations. I will show him all the sides of me I can...
Then there is a break in his gigs for 3 weeks.
I will have the next 2 Saturday nights with him (fairly certain), and after the 2nd night, the 29th May, I will tell him that I cant do it anymore.
I deserve better. His wife deserves better. I knew all that before starting this, and I also knew how hard this would be.
I have had to do things that have required enormous emotional and psychological strength in the past; surely I have the strength within for this.
Ive decided to write a letter as well, which will hopefully explain things. He may not give a shit about my reasons, but deep down in me I do hope he will feel some sadness.
Hopefully Ive been a bit more than a fuck buddy.
For the next 2 weeks, I expect I will see B after his regular Saturday gig. Im gonna put myself out there for him, and let him see everything I can during whatever time we have. If I want to say something, I wont hold back. If I want to touch him or have him touch me, theres no reservations. I will show him all the sides of me I can...
Then there is a break in his gigs for 3 weeks.
I will have the next 2 Saturday nights with him (fairly certain), and after the 2nd night, the 29th May, I will tell him that I cant do it anymore.
I deserve better. His wife deserves better. I knew all that before starting this, and I also knew how hard this would be.
I have had to do things that have required enormous emotional and psychological strength in the past; surely I have the strength within for this.
Ive decided to write a letter as well, which will hopefully explain things. He may not give a shit about my reasons, but deep down in me I do hope he will feel some sadness.
Hopefully Ive been a bit more than a fuck buddy.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
When we met up for those few minutes on Thursday, I asked B if he could receive pictures on his phone, and he said yes, and asked why. I told him that while he was away, I wanted to send him some. (My gf L had been taking some of herself, and sent them to me to see what I thought, and I thought it may be a good thing for me to try. One day). He told me to send some (now then) but I couldn't because there were none to send.
And that was about all I said about the photos...
Yesterday, Friday, around 2pm, I got a text from B saying he was still waiting waiting waiting for photos. lol. He must of been thinking about it all day. :-) I was at home, so I had a play around with the camera on my phone first, but wasn't having much luck. Girls are much more picky I think - my tummy isn't flat enough, or my boobs look squashed etc. Anyway, it was nearing the time I had to pick up my kids from school, so a little later on I replied to him saying that Id tried taking pics one of the nights when he was overseas, and just then, but there were none worth sending even though I was having fun trying. He replied back saying "Rubbish. Any would be great." I replied that I would keep playing, and that meanwhile, he'd better look out because as soon as I had him to myself on Saturday night, he'd be in trouble. He replied he couldn't wait, and I thought that was that for the day.
Half an hour later, he texted me saying I could always email some (photos, to his work email). "Control yourself babe", I replied. "On second thought, don't...". Poor baby replied "I'm on now send", but I replied I was out, I didn't have any to send yet, and that for now he'd have to use his imagination like I do about him 24/7.
Later in the afternoon, when all the kids were gone for the weekend, I put on a nice cobalt blue lingerie set (blue is his fav), did my hair and a little bit of makeup, and worked out how to use the timer setting on my Canon G11. I actually had a bit of fun! I'm quite a reserved person, and have never done anything like this before. But I wanted "cleaner" pics, not totally trashy or over sleazy shots. Finally, I got 3 I were my favourites. I sent them to L to ask her opinion, and we decided on the best pic.
Just before 10pm, I sent one to him, saying "dessert is right here babe".
But, here we are into Saturday and I haven't heard a reply. :(
He really is in trouble tonight when he picks me up! ;-)
And that was about all I said about the photos...
Yesterday, Friday, around 2pm, I got a text from B saying he was still waiting waiting waiting for photos. lol. He must of been thinking about it all day. :-) I was at home, so I had a play around with the camera on my phone first, but wasn't having much luck. Girls are much more picky I think - my tummy isn't flat enough, or my boobs look squashed etc. Anyway, it was nearing the time I had to pick up my kids from school, so a little later on I replied to him saying that Id tried taking pics one of the nights when he was overseas, and just then, but there were none worth sending even though I was having fun trying. He replied back saying "Rubbish. Any would be great." I replied that I would keep playing, and that meanwhile, he'd better look out because as soon as I had him to myself on Saturday night, he'd be in trouble. He replied he couldn't wait, and I thought that was that for the day.
Half an hour later, he texted me saying I could always email some (photos, to his work email). "Control yourself babe", I replied. "On second thought, don't...". Poor baby replied "I'm on now send", but I replied I was out, I didn't have any to send yet, and that for now he'd have to use his imagination like I do about him 24/7.
Later in the afternoon, when all the kids were gone for the weekend, I put on a nice cobalt blue lingerie set (blue is his fav), did my hair and a little bit of makeup, and worked out how to use the timer setting on my Canon G11. I actually had a bit of fun! I'm quite a reserved person, and have never done anything like this before. But I wanted "cleaner" pics, not totally trashy or over sleazy shots. Finally, I got 3 I were my favourites. I sent them to L to ask her opinion, and we decided on the best pic.
Just before 10pm, I sent one to him, saying "dessert is right here babe".
But, here we are into Saturday and I haven't heard a reply. :(
He really is in trouble tonight when he picks me up! ;-)
I love wearing perfume. And a guy wearing a nice aftershave is a turn on for me.
B doesn't wear any. He has some, but just doesnt wear it.
One of the first times he came over, he'd recognised my fragrance, and said "he knew it well". It is quite a "common" one. Another time he was over, he told me he knew it because his wife wore the same one! Well, needless to say, I haven't worn that scent since! We talked about the fact that my smell may rub off on to him, and he said that yeh, it could be a problem, and jokingly said he may have to carry a spare shirt around in his car.
Recently I bought a totally new fragrance, Orange, by Hugo Boss. I cant smell it on me though, so before I met up with B yesterday, I sprayed it on. When I greeted him at his car, it was the first thing he noticed and said. He noticed it was fruity, and something about how strong it was. Not sure if he really didn't like the smell, or that I just wore too much. :( Both? I told him I was not wearing the other perfume again, for as long as we're together. He asked why not, but I just couldn't explain that I didn't want that to be another reminder of his wife...
B doesn't wear any. He has some, but just doesnt wear it.
One of the first times he came over, he'd recognised my fragrance, and said "he knew it well". It is quite a "common" one. Another time he was over, he told me he knew it because his wife wore the same one! Well, needless to say, I haven't worn that scent since! We talked about the fact that my smell may rub off on to him, and he said that yeh, it could be a problem, and jokingly said he may have to carry a spare shirt around in his car.
Recently I bought a totally new fragrance, Orange, by Hugo Boss. I cant smell it on me though, so before I met up with B yesterday, I sprayed it on. When I greeted him at his car, it was the first thing he noticed and said. He noticed it was fruity, and something about how strong it was. Not sure if he really didn't like the smell, or that I just wore too much. :( Both? I told him I was not wearing the other perfume again, for as long as we're together. He asked why not, but I just couldn't explain that I didn't want that to be another reminder of his wife...
I'm wondering if I will see B tonight... he told me yesterday where they're going for dinner (a mates birthday) and then to a club (the one we actually went to together the first night we met up). He told me he doesn't actually like this club very much and is not looking forward to it. He only enjoyed it because he was with me that night. I said I hadn't been there for years before that night, and I enjoyed it, but probably also because I was with him. He also told me yesterday he's still getting over his trip; still very tired. Probably didn't help that he came home from an awards night in the small hours of Wednesday morning and had to take the day off work. ;-)
Anyway, the point is, may be he'll feign wanting an early-ish night, and instead he'll drop in to see me, since he knows I'm not going anywhere. Then again, I'm 10 minutes past his house by car. Or perhaps, yes, he will have an early night, but go home so he can catch up on sleep ready for Saturday night.
The other thing I'm wondering, is if I did go out and meet up with B, whether its tomorrow night (which it wont be) or any other night, what makes it "okay" to be seen with me at a club or something, but not in the street in daylight? Is it because its a different group of mates that would see me? Is it acceptable behavior to ''get on to" someone when you're out at a club? Is it more likely his wife's friends could also be driving around during the day, and see him and I?
All of the above I s'pose...
Anyway, the point is, may be he'll feign wanting an early-ish night, and instead he'll drop in to see me, since he knows I'm not going anywhere. Then again, I'm 10 minutes past his house by car. Or perhaps, yes, he will have an early night, but go home so he can catch up on sleep ready for Saturday night.
The other thing I'm wondering, is if I did go out and meet up with B, whether its tomorrow night (which it wont be) or any other night, what makes it "okay" to be seen with me at a club or something, but not in the street in daylight? Is it because its a different group of mates that would see me? Is it acceptable behavior to ''get on to" someone when you're out at a club? Is it more likely his wife's friends could also be driving around during the day, and see him and I?
All of the above I s'pose...
Friday, May 14, 2010
I sent B a text this morning letting him know I would be around the area where he works at a particular time this afternoon. He replied he'd see how the day panned out. An hour before the time Id suggested, he messaged me saying "hey sweety" (which was kinda nice, since he hasn't used any term other than "sexy" occasionally"), he couldn't meet up after all but was dying to see me. We texted back and forth a little, and he was asking if he'd be able to "bump" into me tomorrow night at a club. Earlier in the week however, after speaking with B - and because he told me where he was going - Id changed my plans to care for my son for the night instead, so I told him I couldn't make it.
Later I went to Maccas for late lunch and coffee. I did hope to see B, because I was still in the area, but it was not until I got in the car, that I was surprised to see him drive past. I was on the phone to my girlfriend R, and obviously couldn't tell her what Id been up to, but I finished the call, and then texted B saying "guess who I just saw drive past me at Maccas" etc. He quickly replied "me". A few minutes later he texted asking where I was, and that he had time to meet. By then though, I was the opposite direction to where Id seen him, and half way to the kids school for pick up. I turned off the main road into a side street, parked, and told him where I was. He then called to check if I had time (to meet) because he knew I had to get the kids from school, and it was close to time. I told him he had 10 minutes, and then I organised for my kids care for the time until I got there.
He kissed me hello. It was good to see him. He told me we were in a "dangerous" street. Very risky. Apparently the gym he only just stopped going to a few weeks ago is around the corner, and we were on the very street his mates would drive on to get there. He said he wanted to kiss me "and stuff" but couldn't there. Learned a bit about him actually in our little get together. I also learned I still cant spit out a straight sentence without stumbling or falling over my words. He has such an effect on me and I don't know why. In his work gear, cap, unshaven, he actually looks so ordinary. Still, a very sexy, appealing ordinary.
B said he will still pick me up Saturday night; its a pajama party, for a 40th birthday that I'm going to. Only a 10 minute drive from my place - or 6 minutes for B. I wont really know anyone, and they're all married or partnered, except for my ex husband, who I am friends with, who is also going. Weird. Much! I bought some "sensible" Playboy pj's and slippers for it. Cute and playful, without being raunchy. Party starts at 6, Ill probably go around 7, and B will probably get there around 12. I'm sure the party itself will be a good one; karaoke, and catching up with the birthday boy and his wife who we used to very good friends with but who I haven't seen for years.
And then, midnight, as soon as I'm in his car, I'm turning in to a wild hungry woman, ready for B, and knowing he's the only man who can satisfy me right now.
Later I went to Maccas for late lunch and coffee. I did hope to see B, because I was still in the area, but it was not until I got in the car, that I was surprised to see him drive past. I was on the phone to my girlfriend R, and obviously couldn't tell her what Id been up to, but I finished the call, and then texted B saying "guess who I just saw drive past me at Maccas" etc. He quickly replied "me". A few minutes later he texted asking where I was, and that he had time to meet. By then though, I was the opposite direction to where Id seen him, and half way to the kids school for pick up. I turned off the main road into a side street, parked, and told him where I was. He then called to check if I had time (to meet) because he knew I had to get the kids from school, and it was close to time. I told him he had 10 minutes, and then I organised for my kids care for the time until I got there.
He kissed me hello. It was good to see him. He told me we were in a "dangerous" street. Very risky. Apparently the gym he only just stopped going to a few weeks ago is around the corner, and we were on the very street his mates would drive on to get there. He said he wanted to kiss me "and stuff" but couldn't there. Learned a bit about him actually in our little get together. I also learned I still cant spit out a straight sentence without stumbling or falling over my words. He has such an effect on me and I don't know why. In his work gear, cap, unshaven, he actually looks so ordinary. Still, a very sexy, appealing ordinary.
B said he will still pick me up Saturday night; its a pajama party, for a 40th birthday that I'm going to. Only a 10 minute drive from my place - or 6 minutes for B. I wont really know anyone, and they're all married or partnered, except for my ex husband, who I am friends with, who is also going. Weird. Much! I bought some "sensible" Playboy pj's and slippers for it. Cute and playful, without being raunchy. Party starts at 6, Ill probably go around 7, and B will probably get there around 12. I'm sure the party itself will be a good one; karaoke, and catching up with the birthday boy and his wife who we used to very good friends with but who I haven't seen for years.
And then, midnight, as soon as I'm in his car, I'm turning in to a wild hungry woman, ready for B, and knowing he's the only man who can satisfy me right now.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I slept much better last night! Ah, the simple things! I still have mini conversations in my head, discussing things I want to talk to B about, but just knowing we have a set time we'll be meeting up is so much more soothing than not knowing at all.
I have a best girlfriend who knows everything about me. We've been best friends for more than 25 years. We have shared so much, and been through so much together.
I know though, if I told her this, she would be horrified. And rightly so.
That's why affairs are secret, because they're wrong. But I feel as though I'm betraying her too by not telling her, because Ive shared this with my other girlfriend L, who Ive known perhaps a year. Again, in the discussions within my head, when I envisage telling her, I liken it to the Mills and Boon-type romance novels we both read. For the first time ever, I can relate to that feeling of passion, that feeling of melting from a simple look from the man, my breath catching at his slightest touch. I understand when they talk about the "fire", about letting go, about not being able to concentrate. I'm wondering if she'll be able to understand at all.
This same girlfriend and I, R, are going to see a popular musical in the next few weeks, have lunch etc. Currently I'm feeling that if the topic arises, then I may share it. She was with me the night I met up with B in March, and we talked of him the next morning, but she hasn't asked me about him since, so its unlikely she will bring it up. I also thought that once this affair was over, I could tell her of it, and who knows, by the time of the musical, it may be.
I have a best girlfriend who knows everything about me. We've been best friends for more than 25 years. We have shared so much, and been through so much together.
I know though, if I told her this, she would be horrified. And rightly so.
That's why affairs are secret, because they're wrong. But I feel as though I'm betraying her too by not telling her, because Ive shared this with my other girlfriend L, who Ive known perhaps a year. Again, in the discussions within my head, when I envisage telling her, I liken it to the Mills and Boon-type romance novels we both read. For the first time ever, I can relate to that feeling of passion, that feeling of melting from a simple look from the man, my breath catching at his slightest touch. I understand when they talk about the "fire", about letting go, about not being able to concentrate. I'm wondering if she'll be able to understand at all.
This same girlfriend and I, R, are going to see a popular musical in the next few weeks, have lunch etc. Currently I'm feeling that if the topic arises, then I may share it. She was with me the night I met up with B in March, and we talked of him the next morning, but she hasn't asked me about him since, so its unlikely she will bring it up. I also thought that once this affair was over, I could tell her of it, and who knows, by the time of the musical, it may be.
Monday, May 10, 2010
So B returned Friday at some point... and I was beside myself all weekend, in anticipation of a phone call or text from him. I honestly did not expect to physically see him, but was certain Id received some thing.
I was wrong.
Okay, so Friday, he wouldn't of texted because, depending on what time the plane got in... yadda yadda yadda.
Saturday, well, he'd be catching up on sleep, and perhaps out getting a last minute card or something for Mothers Day (the next day). I started typing a text saying something along the lines of 345 hours so far (meaning since Id seen him last, further to the text Id sent days earlier), but all I got out was "345 g" and oops! it pressed "send" by mistake! So I waited a few minutes, and I figured if he called or replied to that, I would play dumb and that I would "realise" that I'd sent the text to him by mistake, intended for someone else. After a few more minutes, I sent a text along those lines anyway... And I was getting a little annoyed that he hadnt sent me any messages... I mean, seriously, it takes 20 seconds to send a text! Sneak in to the bathroom and send one if you have to! It's not that difficult!
I didn't get a reply of any sort.
I went to a good friends husbands birthday party up in the mountains Saturday night, but stopped by the local pub where I know he hangs out on the way home. Then I had doubts...what if he was in there, but with his wife? How stupid (more stupid!) would I feel wandering around by myself, even though I know exactly where his "hanging out" spot is? So I didn't go in.
And Sunday. Mothers Day. I knew that was a day that could be crossed off for contact from him.
So today, I accepted my girlfriend L's (the only one who knows about B and me) invite and stopped by her house for a coffee. After taking 1 1/2 hours to get to sleep last night, Id made the decision that perhaps, after this length of time apart (2 weeks), I should end our "relationship" now. I also thought that if he hadn't contacted me by Wednesday I'd brush him off. And certainly if I didn't hear from him until Saturday, Id berate him for thinking of me only as a booty call. Is it just a female thing, where we analyse everything? Think out every possible scenario? Look at all angles? It's really doing my head in. I left her house not really any clearer in my mind.
Obsessively, this afternoon, I called his mobile, and when he answered, in my wisdom, I hung up. *rolls eyes*. What am I? 17?
Later I texted L, and asked her what she would do if she were me; text or not? "Yes" she replied, "because otherwise you'll just get more frustrated". I'd already given in and texted him a minute before her reply. I kept it clean, and simple. I said "This one IS for you: 394.5 hours or thereabouts since... :( ".
He called a little while later. As usual, I couldn't speak properly. Good ol'mouth full of pretzels, figuratively speaking. I literally have a list of things I want to mention, or talk to him about, and not only did I forget I even had the list, I didn't talk about one thing from it. Our phone conversations don't actually flow that easily...
I made a bit of a joke over the fact that Id contacted him, and that "I just couldn't wait anymore!", and he laughed, and said it was fine, he didn't mind. He said he had been catching up on sleep over the weekend and couldn't believe how tired he was. Most mornings though they didnt return to their rooms til 4am.
We're both very busy this week, and probably wont get to see each other til after his gig Saturday night. Ive asked if he could pick me up from a party I'm going to not far from my home, and he said yes, so I'm looking forward to that.
And you know what? I'm actually okay with that. If I have that something to look forward to with him, it helps get me through the other stuff for the week. I hate that "not knowing" feeling. Floundering. Wondering.
My head is in a constant struggle though; I really should end things now.
The past 2 weeks have been horrible, but I got through them... Is it because though that I knew each day that passed would bring me closer to when I see him again?
Then I think I should just try and keep things casual, like L suggests, and if he calls, great, and we meet up, better, but if not... oh well. I do try to keep myself "open" to other opportunities, but its not like I have options falling at my feet either. That's highly unlikely for someone in my position. Not because I doubt myself or my abilities, or what I have to offer, but simply because the stuff that I come with is a lot for me to deal with, let alone a prospective partner.
I do know that when that someone comes along, they will be special, because they accept me and my life. I also know, that the difference between who I choose from my children's fathers is that I will be more sexually aware and responsive. B has made me see that I have that fire within me, and that I can let loose. I'm just hoping it wont take me another 38 odd years before I find someone that makes me feel so aware of myself AND him sexually. Like "phwoar! I wanna jump him!" like I have always felt with B.
I was wrong.
Okay, so Friday, he wouldn't of texted because, depending on what time the plane got in... yadda yadda yadda.
Saturday, well, he'd be catching up on sleep, and perhaps out getting a last minute card or something for Mothers Day (the next day). I started typing a text saying something along the lines of 345 hours so far (meaning since Id seen him last, further to the text Id sent days earlier), but all I got out was "345 g" and oops! it pressed "send" by mistake! So I waited a few minutes, and I figured if he called or replied to that, I would play dumb and that I would "realise" that I'd sent the text to him by mistake, intended for someone else. After a few more minutes, I sent a text along those lines anyway... And I was getting a little annoyed that he hadnt sent me any messages... I mean, seriously, it takes 20 seconds to send a text! Sneak in to the bathroom and send one if you have to! It's not that difficult!
I didn't get a reply of any sort.
I went to a good friends husbands birthday party up in the mountains Saturday night, but stopped by the local pub where I know he hangs out on the way home. Then I had doubts...what if he was in there, but with his wife? How stupid (more stupid!) would I feel wandering around by myself, even though I know exactly where his "hanging out" spot is? So I didn't go in.
And Sunday. Mothers Day. I knew that was a day that could be crossed off for contact from him.
So today, I accepted my girlfriend L's (the only one who knows about B and me) invite and stopped by her house for a coffee. After taking 1 1/2 hours to get to sleep last night, Id made the decision that perhaps, after this length of time apart (2 weeks), I should end our "relationship" now. I also thought that if he hadn't contacted me by Wednesday I'd brush him off. And certainly if I didn't hear from him until Saturday, Id berate him for thinking of me only as a booty call. Is it just a female thing, where we analyse everything? Think out every possible scenario? Look at all angles? It's really doing my head in. I left her house not really any clearer in my mind.
Obsessively, this afternoon, I called his mobile, and when he answered, in my wisdom, I hung up. *rolls eyes*. What am I? 17?
Later I texted L, and asked her what she would do if she were me; text or not? "Yes" she replied, "because otherwise you'll just get more frustrated". I'd already given in and texted him a minute before her reply. I kept it clean, and simple. I said "This one IS for you: 394.5 hours or thereabouts since... :( ".
He called a little while later. As usual, I couldn't speak properly. Good ol'mouth full of pretzels, figuratively speaking. I literally have a list of things I want to mention, or talk to him about, and not only did I forget I even had the list, I didn't talk about one thing from it. Our phone conversations don't actually flow that easily...
I made a bit of a joke over the fact that Id contacted him, and that "I just couldn't wait anymore!", and he laughed, and said it was fine, he didn't mind. He said he had been catching up on sleep over the weekend and couldn't believe how tired he was. Most mornings though they didnt return to their rooms til 4am.
We're both very busy this week, and probably wont get to see each other til after his gig Saturday night. Ive asked if he could pick me up from a party I'm going to not far from my home, and he said yes, so I'm looking forward to that.
And you know what? I'm actually okay with that. If I have that something to look forward to with him, it helps get me through the other stuff for the week. I hate that "not knowing" feeling. Floundering. Wondering.
My head is in a constant struggle though; I really should end things now.
The past 2 weeks have been horrible, but I got through them... Is it because though that I knew each day that passed would bring me closer to when I see him again?
Then I think I should just try and keep things casual, like L suggests, and if he calls, great, and we meet up, better, but if not... oh well. I do try to keep myself "open" to other opportunities, but its not like I have options falling at my feet either. That's highly unlikely for someone in my position. Not because I doubt myself or my abilities, or what I have to offer, but simply because the stuff that I come with is a lot for me to deal with, let alone a prospective partner.
I do know that when that someone comes along, they will be special, because they accept me and my life. I also know, that the difference between who I choose from my children's fathers is that I will be more sexually aware and responsive. B has made me see that I have that fire within me, and that I can let loose. I'm just hoping it wont take me another 38 odd years before I find someone that makes me feel so aware of myself AND him sexually. Like "phwoar! I wanna jump him!" like I have always felt with B.
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