Saturday, June 26, 2010
By Tuesday I thought "stuff it" and sent B a casual text saying "Hey. Hows things?" There was a bit of general texting back and forth and I remained very casual. He asked me what I was up to (today) and I said I was at a certain shopping centre, about to leave. He asked if I wanted to meet up with him as he was working on his own.
I met up with him in the designated spot about 12.45, and he got into my car with his lunch pack. He kissed me hello so I was pleased we were at least back to that. It was a very relaxed hour or so. He ate his lunch, had a smoke or two, and we chatted, generally. He did go out Friday night. And Saturday night. And even had those few quiet drinks on Sunday arvo (for a mate who's wife had just had a baby).
We also spoke briefly about my "toy" party... he asked me if I bought anything, mentioned "the rabbit", and asked me if Id used my toy. As I was telling him that I prefer the real thing, he got a call, so we didn't really get to into that conversation like Id hoped. I'm still not sure if he really is in to "toys" or not though; theres this certain screwing up of the mouth he does...
Toward the end of our time together (he had a doctors appointment to go to), he rubbed my leg and said it was good to see me. Then he asked if I wanted him to come over Saturday night after work. Of course I said yes. He said it depended on if he could leave his gig early enough (and how much there was to catch up on after the 3 week break) and also he has to work Sunday morning (so it wasn't last Sunday like I thought it would've been). I said that was fine. Inside though I was surprised and stoked at the same time that he'd asked me. He's not the kind to say things for no reason so its not like he would've said that to keep me "happy" for a while.
As he made to get out, he asked "so do i get a kiss or what?" and i stalled for time for a few seconds and looked around as if to see who might be watching. I said "of course ill kiss you" and gave a couple of firm but closed mouth kisses. God! I would've liked more. Very controlled.
Thursday I was pee'd off when I got a light period 5 days earlier than I'm meant to, according to "the pill" packet. And now today, Saturday, when I may be seeing B tonight, I have to mention that I have my period so there are no surprises for him, and I don't think he's cool with that so probably wont come 'round.
He is very unpredictable, and I'm not sure I like that with our kind of relationship. When I thought he may of checked to see if I would see him before band practice Wednesday night, he didn't. When I thought I may hear from him while he was at the pub watching a band like last Thursday, I didn't. Thought I may hear from him asking me to come up if he was out last night but I didn't...
I have been sooooo "good" - not texting, or emailing, or calling.
I so just wanna kiss him senseless.
I met up with him in the designated spot about 12.45, and he got into my car with his lunch pack. He kissed me hello so I was pleased we were at least back to that. It was a very relaxed hour or so. He ate his lunch, had a smoke or two, and we chatted, generally. He did go out Friday night. And Saturday night. And even had those few quiet drinks on Sunday arvo (for a mate who's wife had just had a baby).
We also spoke briefly about my "toy" party... he asked me if I bought anything, mentioned "the rabbit", and asked me if Id used my toy. As I was telling him that I prefer the real thing, he got a call, so we didn't really get to into that conversation like Id hoped. I'm still not sure if he really is in to "toys" or not though; theres this certain screwing up of the mouth he does...
Toward the end of our time together (he had a doctors appointment to go to), he rubbed my leg and said it was good to see me. Then he asked if I wanted him to come over Saturday night after work. Of course I said yes. He said it depended on if he could leave his gig early enough (and how much there was to catch up on after the 3 week break) and also he has to work Sunday morning (so it wasn't last Sunday like I thought it would've been). I said that was fine. Inside though I was surprised and stoked at the same time that he'd asked me. He's not the kind to say things for no reason so its not like he would've said that to keep me "happy" for a while.
As he made to get out, he asked "so do i get a kiss or what?" and i stalled for time for a few seconds and looked around as if to see who might be watching. I said "of course ill kiss you" and gave a couple of firm but closed mouth kisses. God! I would've liked more. Very controlled.
Thursday I was pee'd off when I got a light period 5 days earlier than I'm meant to, according to "the pill" packet. And now today, Saturday, when I may be seeing B tonight, I have to mention that I have my period so there are no surprises for him, and I don't think he's cool with that so probably wont come 'round.
He is very unpredictable, and I'm not sure I like that with our kind of relationship. When I thought he may of checked to see if I would see him before band practice Wednesday night, he didn't. When I thought I may hear from him while he was at the pub watching a band like last Thursday, I didn't. Thought I may hear from him asking me to come up if he was out last night but I didn't...
I have been sooooo "good" - not texting, or emailing, or calling.
I so just wanna kiss him senseless.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Well, thats the weekend over and nothing from B.
Again, thankfully, I have been extremely busy. Still moving things around the house, had a girly get together for sex toys and mini outing last night. It's funny though how in those lull moments, he creeps in to my head.
Thought I may have heard from him if he went out either last night, or Friday night, but nothing. Thought he may have worked this morning (which he does one Sunday a month) and contacted me around lunch time to meet up, but nothing. Wondered if he'd have a few "quiet drinks" out tonight, but nothing.
Again, thankfully, I have been extremely busy. Still moving things around the house, had a girly get together for sex toys and mini outing last night. It's funny though how in those lull moments, he creeps in to my head.
Thought I may have heard from him if he went out either last night, or Friday night, but nothing. Thought he may have worked this morning (which he does one Sunday a month) and contacted me around lunch time to meet up, but nothing. Wondered if he'd have a few "quiet drinks" out tonight, but nothing.
Friday, June 18, 2010
I received a text message from B last night. The longest one from him, ever, along the lines of "Touching base cause I can, hope the move went well and hope you are too, thinking of you, would love to catch up soon.". Hmmm. How to respond? I decided to keep it casual. I said "all good", and "sure, anytime (almost)." Not long after he messaged me saying he was at the local pub having a few quiet beers, and I was welcome to join them (I think he was with his band checking out another band playing there). I replied saying that I would of loved to, but couldn't. He said "All good. Talk soon".
I was surprised to have heard from him. Happy though. Being able to sleep afterward more than a few hours due to being awoken because of an erotic dream about him would of been good too. :-).
Very tired tonight.
I was surprised to have heard from him. Happy though. Being able to sleep afterward more than a few hours due to being awoken because of an erotic dream about him would of been good too. :-).
Very tired tonight.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Ive been offline for a few days, with the move and all... back on now though!
B would of gone back to work today, according to what he said last Friday. He is never far from my mind, but I know I'll be able to move on. I should of recognised his kiss as what was no doubt our last, and made more of a thing about it. I also think that he was worried I was going to go "all crazy" on him, and so him saying "lets cool it a bit" was a nice way of saying its all over red rover. But Ive been very strong and have not texted, emailed or phoned him, as I said I wouldn't. I wonder if he is surprised.
Nah, probably relieved.
B would of gone back to work today, according to what he said last Friday. He is never far from my mind, but I know I'll be able to move on. I should of recognised his kiss as what was no doubt our last, and made more of a thing about it. I also think that he was worried I was going to go "all crazy" on him, and so him saying "lets cool it a bit" was a nice way of saying its all over red rover. But Ive been very strong and have not texted, emailed or phoned him, as I said I wouldn't. I wonder if he is surprised.
Nah, probably relieved.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
As hard as it's been to not send off a quick text, it hasn't been as hard as I thought... does that make sense? I want to say there's a difference between getting attached, and simply wanting more of a good thing. Honestly though, its a fine line for me.
I think it's easier (to not contact him) because I am in the process of moving house, and was the organiser for a mini school reunion, which took place last night (at the local pub where B frequents actually) and Ive thankfully been busy with those things.
Saturday nights at this place are so much slower and more cruisy than Friday nights, and B had already told me that he had no plans to go out either Friday or Saturday night, because his "drinking buddy" was away for the (long) weekend. I still of course looked out for him, but didn't see him.
I constantly think how I will hear from him, closer to the end of the month, and when his gigs resume and he's had time to think...
And maybe he'll miss me. A little...
I think it's easier (to not contact him) because I am in the process of moving house, and was the organiser for a mini school reunion, which took place last night (at the local pub where B frequents actually) and Ive thankfully been busy with those things.
Saturday nights at this place are so much slower and more cruisy than Friday nights, and B had already told me that he had no plans to go out either Friday or Saturday night, because his "drinking buddy" was away for the (long) weekend. I still of course looked out for him, but didn't see him.
I constantly think how I will hear from him, closer to the end of the month, and when his gigs resume and he's had time to think...
And maybe he'll miss me. A little...
Friday, June 11, 2010
I called B this morning just after 11am, thinking that if I got in early enough, we could work it so that we could meet on his way home from work this afternoon. He didn't answer, but I knew he'd call back, which he did. Turns out he had today off, to make the long weekend a really long weekend... He said he was out and about til about 1pm, and then he'd be "off air". When he called back, I had someone here to help move a special piece of furniture from my current address to the new one, and I was worried the timing would be all out, so I said Id call him back. Thankfully, I called him back with 43 minutes before his "off air" time (I made a joke of it with him) and when he asked where we could meet, I told him that was his department, so he said he'd call back when he worked out a spot. Coincidentally, he decided on a reserve only 2 minutes from my new place and across from where my daughters attend high school.
I knew from the fact that he didn't meet with me over the last couple of days that he was a bit wary, or hesitant, or worried about what I wanted to say. Perhaps he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant? Or that I was going to flip out? Or get all emotional?
He didn't kiss me hello, and I took that as a sign too...
We chatted a little about general stuff, and then he asked what it was I wanted to see him about that just "couldn't be said over the phone". I started off by telling him that it was stupid of me to promise as I did in the email that I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me. I knew as soon as Id sent that that it was a mistake, and I apologised for breaking my promise. Eventually I talked about the other email, and explained, or tried to, that I didn't blame him for how I was feeling, or how I do feel, because that's just who I am. I feel deeply anyway. And its not because he's promised anything. I told him Id got upset that he'd said he see me in a month, and that I had wanted to say "What about rehearsals? What about texting or a call? What about 10 minutes at the lake?" He said he hadn't meant "nothing" for a month, just no nights, but he thought Id know what he meant. I then said how that was my next mistake; to just let him go without talking about it then and there. Its not like we're in a "normal" relationship where we can just talk about things the next day for example. I said I never expected that he would just duck out for an hour on a Saturday night to come and see me. B asked what Id meant when I said I "just cant do this anymore", and I replied that at the time I couldn't, but Ive had two weeks to sort things out. He said I needed to get and meet someone, and I tried explaining that I do get out, but that I didn't think it likely Id meet a life-long partner at a night club, and that the person Id be with would need to see "me" for who i really am, and all that I come with like my kids and situation. I told him that we were doing this (affair) for different reasons, and that it sounded horrible, but he is for me an "in between" until I find someone. I also acknowledged that girls -me - tend to over think things (just like the "month long" thing) and we speak 25 words to a guys single word, which he had a chuckle in agreement to.
"So, what do you want?" he asked me. "For things to go back to how they were" I replied.
Basically, he is worried "shit will eventually hit the fan". He says (this) is doing his head in, and he's worried I'm getting too attached (he's probably right about that part, but no way would I admit it). He knows how wrong this is, and he's been trying to spend more time at home (to appease his guilt perhaps?), and he's just not "sure". He reckons it's even reached the point where he's considering turning his phone off more... with that he's referring to a call I made accidentally on the Sunday night I went to the musical, and then stopped by the pub on the way home; as I got out of the car I realised I'd accidentally called him, but I thought Id stopped the call before it'd started ringing - obviously not. And the message of "hey" Id sent last Saturday night when Id sent the email "promising" I wouldn't contact him. And finally the 2 calls I made Monday afternoon, around 4.30, and he texted me saying he'd call me the next day. I totally disagree with how much he feels Ive been contacting him; those 3 times I referred to were in the last 2 weeks, and because I wanted to sort things out. I either didn't realise that Id been calling, or Id contacting thinking he'd be alone or at work.
He told me he's not sure he sees the point in it continuing because it (him and me) isn't going to go anywhere anyway.
I told him that if I hadn't of said anything that Saturday night, that we'd still be continuing things, and now the tables were turned, and he's the one wondering about things. So I kept trying to reassure him saying "Its fine. Do what you feel you need to do." He asked "So you'd be okay, and wouldn't go all funny on me if I said "that's it?". I replied that Id be upset, but Id be okay, and asked if he thought Id flip out or something? He said yeah, and I reassured him I wasn't about to call his wife or do anything crazy like that. Then he said he thought we should just cool it for a bit. Which is frustrating really, because any cooler, and we wouldn't have a relationship at all. I told him that would leave it in his hands, and he could call me when he was ready. I again promised that I wouldn't contact him, but this time I knew I meant it.
As we were leaving each other, he said, quite pointedly, "so I'm off work til next Wednesday", and I put my hands up, defensively, and with a little shake of my head said "hey, I'm not contacting you. I said I wouldn't".
I could see he was struggling the whole time, with feeling uncomfortable and unsure of things. He was biting his lip, and I saw a myriad of expressions play across his face. It was almost as though there were a jumble of words just behind his lips, and that if he'd opened his mouth, all his thoughts would've tumbled out. I could also see this confusion, as we said our farewells, and I made to get in my car; he went to come to my side of the car, went back to his side, and then came back to me, and kissed me. Just a firm closed mouth kiss. "I thought we weren't doing any of that?" I asked. "I'm just kissing a friend see ya later" he replied.
I got in the car, and a big fat tear drop slid down my cheek from under my sunnies.
And as much as it does hurt, its time to move on.
I knew from the fact that he didn't meet with me over the last couple of days that he was a bit wary, or hesitant, or worried about what I wanted to say. Perhaps he thought I was going to tell him I was pregnant? Or that I was going to flip out? Or get all emotional?
He didn't kiss me hello, and I took that as a sign too...
We chatted a little about general stuff, and then he asked what it was I wanted to see him about that just "couldn't be said over the phone". I started off by telling him that it was stupid of me to promise as I did in the email that I wouldn't contact him until he contacted me. I knew as soon as Id sent that that it was a mistake, and I apologised for breaking my promise. Eventually I talked about the other email, and explained, or tried to, that I didn't blame him for how I was feeling, or how I do feel, because that's just who I am. I feel deeply anyway. And its not because he's promised anything. I told him Id got upset that he'd said he see me in a month, and that I had wanted to say "What about rehearsals? What about texting or a call? What about 10 minutes at the lake?" He said he hadn't meant "nothing" for a month, just no nights, but he thought Id know what he meant. I then said how that was my next mistake; to just let him go without talking about it then and there. Its not like we're in a "normal" relationship where we can just talk about things the next day for example. I said I never expected that he would just duck out for an hour on a Saturday night to come and see me. B asked what Id meant when I said I "just cant do this anymore", and I replied that at the time I couldn't, but Ive had two weeks to sort things out. He said I needed to get and meet someone, and I tried explaining that I do get out, but that I didn't think it likely Id meet a life-long partner at a night club, and that the person Id be with would need to see "me" for who i really am, and all that I come with like my kids and situation. I told him that we were doing this (affair) for different reasons, and that it sounded horrible, but he is for me an "in between" until I find someone. I also acknowledged that girls -me - tend to over think things (just like the "month long" thing) and we speak 25 words to a guys single word, which he had a chuckle in agreement to.
"So, what do you want?" he asked me. "For things to go back to how they were" I replied.
Basically, he is worried "shit will eventually hit the fan". He says (this) is doing his head in, and he's worried I'm getting too attached (he's probably right about that part, but no way would I admit it). He knows how wrong this is, and he's been trying to spend more time at home (to appease his guilt perhaps?), and he's just not "sure". He reckons it's even reached the point where he's considering turning his phone off more... with that he's referring to a call I made accidentally on the Sunday night I went to the musical, and then stopped by the pub on the way home; as I got out of the car I realised I'd accidentally called him, but I thought Id stopped the call before it'd started ringing - obviously not. And the message of "hey" Id sent last Saturday night when Id sent the email "promising" I wouldn't contact him. And finally the 2 calls I made Monday afternoon, around 4.30, and he texted me saying he'd call me the next day. I totally disagree with how much he feels Ive been contacting him; those 3 times I referred to were in the last 2 weeks, and because I wanted to sort things out. I either didn't realise that Id been calling, or Id contacting thinking he'd be alone or at work.
He told me he's not sure he sees the point in it continuing because it (him and me) isn't going to go anywhere anyway.
I told him that if I hadn't of said anything that Saturday night, that we'd still be continuing things, and now the tables were turned, and he's the one wondering about things. So I kept trying to reassure him saying "Its fine. Do what you feel you need to do." He asked "So you'd be okay, and wouldn't go all funny on me if I said "that's it?". I replied that Id be upset, but Id be okay, and asked if he thought Id flip out or something? He said yeah, and I reassured him I wasn't about to call his wife or do anything crazy like that. Then he said he thought we should just cool it for a bit. Which is frustrating really, because any cooler, and we wouldn't have a relationship at all. I told him that would leave it in his hands, and he could call me when he was ready. I again promised that I wouldn't contact him, but this time I knew I meant it.
As we were leaving each other, he said, quite pointedly, "so I'm off work til next Wednesday", and I put my hands up, defensively, and with a little shake of my head said "hey, I'm not contacting you. I said I wouldn't".
I could see he was struggling the whole time, with feeling uncomfortable and unsure of things. He was biting his lip, and I saw a myriad of expressions play across his face. It was almost as though there were a jumble of words just behind his lips, and that if he'd opened his mouth, all his thoughts would've tumbled out. I could also see this confusion, as we said our farewells, and I made to get in my car; he went to come to my side of the car, went back to his side, and then came back to me, and kissed me. Just a firm closed mouth kiss. "I thought we weren't doing any of that?" I asked. "I'm just kissing a friend see ya later" he replied.
I got in the car, and a big fat tear drop slid down my cheek from under my sunnies.
And as much as it does hurt, its time to move on.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Saturday night I went out with my girlfriend L; she dragged me a long to a friends farewell, because shed had a fight with her hubby. We went to dinner in the city, by the beach, and afterward at a hotel. It was actually a very good night. Dinner was lovely. The people - none of whom I knew - were all lovely and welcoming. The hotel hosted a mixed crowed and mixed music. And there were so many dimensions and dynamics going on with the group of people we were with that I was just amazed.
It also confirmed how messed up the world can really be, and youve just gotta roll with whatever life throws you.
The girl who hosted the dinner, is married to a guy she hasn't had sex with for 4 years. 4 years! She has been having an affair with an ex work colleagues hubby for the last 2. Two of her hubby's friends have also made moves on her. One of those men also made it clear to L that he was interested in me. They are both married also. This girl and L had a major disagreement as well, because L was talking and having a bit of a joke with the girls hubby, and she got jealous! Go figure! All a bit juvenile really... it was a bit like watching a tennis match, as I tend to sit back and observe a lot, and my head kept flicking around to the next person to see what the latest was.
At the hotel, there was dance music and dancing one end, and different kind of music alternating with a band at the other. L and I preferred the band end and hung around there most of the time. I started the night thinking I would stay over with L at her friends house, but after 2 wines and 2 Southo's, and then with all the tension with L's friends, I thought it best to drive home.
I thought about B on and off all night, which it is how it always is for me. L and I met a couple of guys and had some fun chats to some. I was fine, until the band played Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon, and he sang the line, perhaps altered a little, that says "giving head while I'm driving" and then I thought stuff it, I'm texting B. So, I sent 3 little letters: "Hey." But I didn't hear from him.
Meanwhile, back at the table with the group, Id literally caught the eye of this guy walking by. We played the eye game, as he walked away, but I knew Id see him again. L and I went back into the band end of the hotel, and as I was looking at L while she talked to me, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that guy. L was quite drunk, and knew what was going on with the guy and me, and started chatting to him. We got ourselves a drink (my last alco one for the night), and we talked some more, and danced. This guy, a different named "B", was cute. Actually, a bit too pretty looking. Tall and athletic. Cheeky smile. Soft spoken. Lovely hands. And interesting. The problem with interesting is that the more you talk to someone about themselves, inevitably they are gonna wanna know more about you...
L told him I was 36. I don't like lying; I soon corrected her and told him I'm 39. He was 32. what is it with me and 32 year olds? Although, to blow my own trumpet for a moment, the group we were with, and B, could not believe my age; they all thought I was younger. L in her drunken state, told B that he could come home with us. Oh, can he now? Thanks for that. Do I get a say? He made it clear a number of times that he was quite keen to do just that. I ended up saying that - cliche and all - I'm just not that kinda girl. By the end of the night he knew how many kids I had, and it seemed to be important as to whether I "got on" with my exes or not. He (says) hes an underwater medic for the navy or something, and does triathlons in his spare time. He's a local boy to where we were, and he didn't usually hang at this place but had a mate working behind the bar. He was very complimentary without being sickening (which I what I appreciate about the other B too), and kisses softly. Maybe too softly...
Anyway, at the end of the night, L asked him if he was gonna get my number. That's awkward. I said he didn't have to and that Id never know if he wouldve asked me for it himself.
I don't think Ill hear from him.
L had kind of cleared things up with her friend, which was good, and we got back to my place around 4.30am.
It also confirmed how messed up the world can really be, and youve just gotta roll with whatever life throws you.
The girl who hosted the dinner, is married to a guy she hasn't had sex with for 4 years. 4 years! She has been having an affair with an ex work colleagues hubby for the last 2. Two of her hubby's friends have also made moves on her. One of those men also made it clear to L that he was interested in me. They are both married also. This girl and L had a major disagreement as well, because L was talking and having a bit of a joke with the girls hubby, and she got jealous! Go figure! All a bit juvenile really... it was a bit like watching a tennis match, as I tend to sit back and observe a lot, and my head kept flicking around to the next person to see what the latest was.
At the hotel, there was dance music and dancing one end, and different kind of music alternating with a band at the other. L and I preferred the band end and hung around there most of the time. I started the night thinking I would stay over with L at her friends house, but after 2 wines and 2 Southo's, and then with all the tension with L's friends, I thought it best to drive home.
I thought about B on and off all night, which it is how it always is for me. L and I met a couple of guys and had some fun chats to some. I was fine, until the band played Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon, and he sang the line, perhaps altered a little, that says "giving head while I'm driving" and then I thought stuff it, I'm texting B. So, I sent 3 little letters: "Hey." But I didn't hear from him.
Meanwhile, back at the table with the group, Id literally caught the eye of this guy walking by. We played the eye game, as he walked away, but I knew Id see him again. L and I went back into the band end of the hotel, and as I was looking at L while she talked to me, out of the corner of my eye, I saw that guy. L was quite drunk, and knew what was going on with the guy and me, and started chatting to him. We got ourselves a drink (my last alco one for the night), and we talked some more, and danced. This guy, a different named "B", was cute. Actually, a bit too pretty looking. Tall and athletic. Cheeky smile. Soft spoken. Lovely hands. And interesting. The problem with interesting is that the more you talk to someone about themselves, inevitably they are gonna wanna know more about you...
L told him I was 36. I don't like lying; I soon corrected her and told him I'm 39. He was 32. what is it with me and 32 year olds? Although, to blow my own trumpet for a moment, the group we were with, and B, could not believe my age; they all thought I was younger. L in her drunken state, told B that he could come home with us. Oh, can he now? Thanks for that. Do I get a say? He made it clear a number of times that he was quite keen to do just that. I ended up saying that - cliche and all - I'm just not that kinda girl. By the end of the night he knew how many kids I had, and it seemed to be important as to whether I "got on" with my exes or not. He (says) hes an underwater medic for the navy or something, and does triathlons in his spare time. He's a local boy to where we were, and he didn't usually hang at this place but had a mate working behind the bar. He was very complimentary without being sickening (which I what I appreciate about the other B too), and kisses softly. Maybe too softly...
Anyway, at the end of the night, L asked him if he was gonna get my number. That's awkward. I said he didn't have to and that Id never know if he wouldve asked me for it himself.
I don't think Ill hear from him.
L had kind of cleared things up with her friend, which was good, and we got back to my place around 4.30am.
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