4 weeks and 4 days

... and I've not heard from B. I didn't expect to, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't of liked to...

I texted him a couple of days ago though. I simply said "Damn Adele" (I can not listen to her song "Someone like you" without crying and thinking of B). It would of at least got me on his mind for a few seconds, but there's not a lot he could of said in reply I guess...

I met a guy at a charity function about 2 weeks ago... it was all a little childish the way it happened, but a bit of fun too - the person hosting the event knew I thought this guy was okay, so she gave who she thought was his boss, my phone number. Later 'the guy' introduced himself to me and we had a bit of a chat, and he finished by saying he'll give me a call sometime and organise to go out. "Sure," I smiled in a positive response... Well, I'm still waiting for that call...

Last week I had coffee with another guy, who is a friend of a good friend (of mine) boyfriend. She told me how lovely he was etc, but that he was short... I just cant feel it for a guy who's short, and my girlfriend knows this. Still, I'm trying to keep an open mind, so we met up. The very first thing I thought however was 'Wow, he really is short'. I think he came up to my shoulder. He definitely was nice, and sitting down, it was almost okay. But when we stood up again, to continue on with our day, I was quickly reminded of his height.

Part of me keeps thinking about all those men who cheat of their partners (and yes I know women do it too), and I wonder if there's really any point to trying to find the one person...And I keep thinking about B's wife, and whether our paths will cross, or if I'll ever see B again. Or I'll be driving somewhere, and a location may remind me of him because "that was where I was when he called me before he went overseas" or "That is where we met one time". But then I saw this quote this morning, and I know, although Ive mentioned it on here a few times before, It really is much easier to think negatively, so I need to change my thinking.

HOW you THINK is WHAT you get!!!

I need to keep reminding myself how better off I am without him, and that I will find someone - the one man - to be with. It will happen when its meant to happen.

New Car

On our last night together, when I was taking B and his mate G home, B asked me if he'd told me he'd bought another car. I replied he hadn't so we talked a little about that (the other restored car he's been trying to sell, still hasn't sold). He told me the year and make of the car, and I thought he told me it was white, and said he would get it in around 6 weeks...

Last Saturday afternoon I was driving to my nan's; it was about 4.45pm. Not far from B's house, I noticed an older, cool looking red car, pulled over to the side of the road. I noticed it but didn't notice details, if that makes sense...? A little further a long, I had to stop at the lights that takes me out of B's suburb and on to a main road, and as the light changed green for me to to turn, I saw what looked to be the same red car come down behind me. It wasn't until a few seconds later that something made me realise that that could in fact be B's 'new' car. But I wasn't sure, because this car was red, and I thought his new one would be white. In my mirrors, I could see a silhouette that could've been his, and a smaller - but not child size - passenger. It appeared to be going slower than necessary, and I watched in my mirror as the car changed lanes, and indicated to turn left in to a street that would take him back in to his suburb. Id noticed the indicator flashed too quickly; perhaps needs a new fuse? Anyway, this time I also took more notice of the shape and colour of the other details of the car, and I googled those details and they seemed to match with what year and make of car he'd told me a few weeks prior.

I don't know if it was him, but I think it was.

I noticed their family car parked in the drive way during the week, and again tonight as I drove home from a family dinner. He's recently built a 2 car garage, which the other car and the family car were able to fit in to. If he has the 2 hobby cars now, they would take preference over the family car to be garaged.

Big deal really. I guess what I'm saying is that just because things are finished with us, doesn't mean I don't think of him. I really have not gone out of my way to drive past his house or street, but still, for example, will drive up the street of my girlfriend who lives next to his work mate if it's around the time B would normally be there. But when I do that, that is directly on my way home, or from my home, somewhere, as shes only a few streets from me, and it actually suits me often to go that way, miss a chunk of the main road, to get to the main thoroughfare.

Ive been dreaming of him more, but in association with his wife. Last night I dreamed she was behind a counter at a scrapbook store, and had just finished serving me, and then resumed her conversation with her work colleague, and it happened to be about B. That's all I remember. :)

It's really been difficult, and I often wonder if he ever thinks about me. And how he feels. Realistically, I probably do cross his mind very briefly, for 5 seconds every now and then. But that will cease one day. I hope it ceases for me one day. Soon.

The Same Car

I haven't heard anything from B, not that I expected to, since the 13th, and certainly haven't seen him, or even a hint of him anywhere either. I've limited driving past his place, or even just his street; before I may of driven out of the way past his place on the way home after taking my daughter to work for example, or on the way home from somewhere else, but the only times Ive driven by have been because I shop occasionally at a centre near his house and that honestly is the most direct route, or to the gym, which is also the most direct way.

Earlier tonight though, I was taking my daughter to work, around 5.15, and I could see a car which looked like his (family car) coming from the opposite direction. As it neared, even the number plates looked the same (they're a particular colour and style). And it made sense he would be in the location, since his parents live closer to me than he does. As we neared, I could feel my cheeks start to burn. And in those few seconds I had left I wondered whether to acknowledge him... or what.

However, it wasn't him. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was red as a beetroot. I blamed it on the heater in the car, for my daughters benefit.

Stupid reactions. :P

The breakup

It's been 5 days now. 5 long painful days, since I broke it off, finally, with B.

When I am ready to write it, in the next couple of days, I know that I will still be able to explain how I was feeling at the time, because I am still feeling it now.

I needed to end it, but my heart is broken.

Quote

Just saw this:

"Its not what I feel about him,

Its what I dont feel for anyone else."

and this:

"Your worst battle is between what you know, and how you feel".

Ive started the ball rolling...

Yesterday, Sunday, after I took my daughter to work, I did my usual out-of-the-way drive-by past B's street. Again, it serves no purpose. I just do it.

On my way home, I saw him driving from the opposite direction. Well, I saw his car. As he got closer I saw it was him, with his cap on. I didn't have time to notice if anyone else was in the car, only that there was no wave or acknowledgement. No text saying "hey pull over and we'll catch up for 10 minutes".

And I'm thinking 'this is fucked'.

An hour and a half later, I risked it, and sent him an sms: "For both of us, I think we know what needs to happen now. But after 15 months, I cant do it via text. So let me know ASAP when we can meet".

I went to our local pub (where B goes) last night with two girlfriends (not my suggestion) who are both aware of what is going on, and we talked about it a little. B has every second Monday off (which would be today), but I didn't see him last night.

I am so sad. I am devastated. I cant believe I fell so hard for someone I cant have. I am a grown, attractive woman, who could have a decent pick of the bunch. Shit.

I haven't heard anything, and its 24 hours since I sent the message. I dont know either when to expect contact from him. Perhaps he'll 'pfft' it and think I'm not serious. Or that its just another way to get attention. I imagine he'll call during the week, perhaps on his way home from work, and will say something like "So I got your text. What's this shit?"

I play out the conversation in my head over and over, what Id say. I dont expect he'll come after me and beg, which is why I guess its taken me a while to finally reach this point, because I have to know that once this is done, he wont be there any more. And I started the ball rolling because it has to be done. I knew once I put it out there, it is for good this time, and I cant renege.

Shift Focus to "what is"

and not the "'if only".

Easier said than done though.

I have had a little contact with B over the last few weeks; all my initiation and all very unfulfilling.

I went to the club with my nan, for the last time for a while as I'm about to commence study, and we took a few photos with some of the other ladies, band members and compere (who, if you remember, B works with sometimes). I sent B a message letting him know I could meet up later but he replied that he couldn't (today).

A few days later, I asked him if he'd received an email Id sent to his work providing the number of a physiotherapist Id heard was great, because he had a continual sore shoulder and back. He said Id sent it via text, thanks, but that he'd ended up going to his regular physio and had exercises to do.

That was that.

And then last Tuesday I asked him if he'd noticed on the social network site that on the comperes 'wall' there was the photo Id put up from the day at the club (and obviously I'm in it), and then only a few days later, a friend of his had put up a photo a few years old of him (B) in a group. I found it a little funny we were on the same page. He said he hadn't seen it, and would check it out.

I knew he would check it out that night, Tuesday, because I know the wife goes to a gym class.

Everything on my profile is set to private, so you cant even see who my friends are. I changed my "About me" to read: "Knows I desperately need to pull that pin, cause we cant have our cake and eat it too. but for now ill pretend what I feel doesn’t matter, and you can pretend to be happy in your ‘safe’ option." I assume that when he looked at the pic of me, he'd click through to my profile, so that that quote is what he'd see.

That night, when I myself got home from the gym, I checked his MySpace account, and noticed he'd logged in with that days date (he hadn't logged in for about 3 months previously), so I can safely assume he would've checked the other one. And I changed my "About Me" to "Happiness is a choice. If it's important, you'll find a way. If it isn't, you'll find an excuse ♥". I love it. It's a keeper.

Of course I didn't hear back about any of it.

Last night I had dinner with friends, and I was soooo tired. It was 10.15 and I just wanted to crash. On the way home Id driven past B's and noticed his work van was parked on the street so I assume he drove to work last night. I sent him a playful message saying I was just coming home from dinner, wondering if Id see him, or if Id have to reacquaint myself with my 'rabbit'. An hour later he replied "I cant. Sorry".

I couldn't really say "But didn't you drive?" and asking "Why?" is too whiny. But I do find his short reply a little odd, unless of course my 'message' on the social network site made him realise how serious I feel. I felt a mixture of things; pissed off. Resigned. Sad. Confused. Wasn't going to reply but decided I would. I'm tired of being nice. And safe. And easy. I said "Sorry? Yeah right. Night. x" To be honest I almost finished it with him then and there. But I didn't want to do it via a text message, and this is something that will definitely need closure, especially for me.

I guess Ill do the ol' "not contact him for a few weeks thing", and then message him to say "What's going on."

And I didnt bother with the rabbit.