Unpredictable

I went to the gym as usual this morning, rushed home to get ready for a job interview, and on my way out, noticed that B had called. Well, pick me up off the floor!

I called him nearly 2 hours later, from a carpark, after my interview. And wouldn't you know it, he was working only a few streets away. He'd called to see how my trip went. He hadn't realised I went with my family; he thought I was going with a girlfriend. Had a great chat. He asked me if there'd been any 'romances' but I told him no, because all the good ones were all taken, and added that I wasn't quite sure what that meant I was saying about myself then... :) His workmate "R" had apparently seen me in the same street as the gym earlier in the week. He said he'd not been up to much the last few weeks - "same shit". I asked him where he was working the rest of the afternoon, and coincidentally it was the same suburb as my nan who I was on my way to visit.

After arriving at my nans (for lunch), I called B with a technical question, knowing he'd be able to answer it (just something my nan and I were discussing). He asked what street I was in and said he knew of it.

A few minutes after hanging up from him, he sent me a text saying he was 2 streets away, but had 10 guys with him otherwise we could've caught up. "Damn!" I replied. Mixed emotions from that one sentence; nice he was thinking of me and told me, yet on the other hand, telling me how close he was and not being able to do anything about it really was like rubbing salt in to the wound!

A little while later, as I was leaving my nans, I messaged him to say that if he was able to ditch the boys, I was leaving now... but he said 'no can do sorry."

:(

Motivational Post-its

Have you heard of the movie "How do you know", starring Reece Witherspoon? Her character uses motivational post-it notes on her mirror to keep her focused and strong in mind. Last night I made myself up some, and put them on my bedroom mirror. Among them, Ive written one, in big red letters, which reads

"I do not need B. Do not contact him. I deserve better. I do not need B".

And so far, its an effective mantra. As soon as I find myself thinking of him, I remember those words on my post-it.

In addition, I realised I needed to change the passcode on my iphone from his name to something else, which Ive now done. :)

Low

I'm in a low place right now. Ive recently returned from a great holiday with my family, which I feel blessed to of experienced. Part of our trip was on a cruise, and there is so much to do and participate in. But being single sure does suck sometimes. My kids and parents were mostly off doing their own thing, and often I felt bored and lonely. Out of the 2000 odd people aboard the ship, I noticed the same men over and over, but they were either too young or married (if not partnered). And I still thought about B all the time.

I messaged him last night just basically saying "hi" (as my own way of not only letting him know I was home, but to see see if he'd be coming by). He apparently didn't think I was home til today. It was obvious I wouldn't be seeing him.

Its Mothers Day today, and Ive watched a few movies (in among doing some laundry! Excitement plus!), and they've made me sadder, because they're all movies about relationships.

Added to that, I visited the Apple store this morning because of a problem with my iPhone, which they've replaced. I forwarded all my messages from B to email, which is lucky, because my backup and restore didn't work, and Ive lost all the originals from him. :(

Is that a sign? Should this be the big push I need to just forget things? Just start from scratch?

Why cant I be strong enough to just close this door and just move on?

He called!

Ah the small things!

I was sitting in a salon today, waiting for my favourite lady to finish her previous appointment, so I could have my spray tan done, when B called. Awww. I exited the shop for a few minutes to take the call. He said he was ringing to wish me "a very happy safe trip". He was just finishing off work, buying some smokes somewhere, and was with R. I asked him if he'd been enjoying his showers. :) He had a chuckle, and said that yeh, they'd been really good. Hes driving to work tonight, but I dont know if he is taking others, because he didn't say and I didn't ask. He knows Id want him to visit me, but I didn't want to sound naggy or whiny, or place that pressure on him.

He's not very forthright, and he may of been waiting for me to ask if I would be seeing him afterward then, but I also didn't want to hear him say no.

Anyhow, it was nice to hear from him, and he said "I'll see you when you come back then".

Yes please.

Destroy?

I keep thinking of B's message saying that he doesn't want to destroy his family and that they're the most important thing to him.

I get pissed off, and think, again, yeh, well go and fix it then.

What he's doing with me is the worst way to destroy his family, if it were ever found out.

My head

has a constant chatter inside it. I am always, ALWAYS thinking of B.

Part of me is content and happy and secure knowing now that he isn't going to be the one to end things with me, but I want more of him, I want more from him, so badly.

I had drinks with a man I met online a few weeks back, last night, at the local pub where B sometimes hangs out. Being Good Friday, and the place closing at 10pm, I didn't think B would be there (and also because he'd said on Tuesday he probably wouldn't be), and he indeed was not there. This man was nice. Polite. Easy to talk to. But there was no real spark. I probably would consider catching a movie or something, but don't want to lead him on. He's only freshly out of his marriage really too, so not sure he's really ready.

B works tonight at a different venue, so he'd probably be car-pooling, so I wouldn't get to see him. I wonder if Ill hear from him; its hard to stop wondering.

I'm very aware that each night he comes to me now, could potentially be our last time. I have envisaged what I want to do if he does come to me tonight.

I would answer the door in my black robe. We'd say hi, he'd give me a kiss as he walked in, and Id lead him down the hallway straight to my bedroom. He would put his things down, and Id hand him his usual glass of water (funny how some things are just known). I would have him standing so he could see himself in front of my mirrors, and I would stand in front of him, and start kissing him. Then I would let my robe fall, and underneath I am completely naked. So he can see me from behind as well as in front, because of the mirrors. After a little, I would start undressing him, and again, because of the mirrors, it would be like he can see from all angles. I would kiss his body all over, walking around behind him, and catch his eyes in the mirror. Id come back in front and suck his dick as I undressed the bottom half of him. And then...

I am so turned on just thinking about him...

And of course I am going to be completely disappointed if I don't hear from him tonight, or see him.

I leave tomorrow morning for our holiday.

Texts

And then 20 minutes later he sent me a text. It said "You are fucking sexy. God dammit".

"Enjoy your shower ;) " I replied.

He said "You know Ill be thinking of your sexy ass dont you?"

So many responses go through my head. "Make sure you make me scream" I wanted to say. But I told him how my body reacts ridiculously when I'm with him. I told him Id almost tripped crossing the road and how Id forgotten to lock the door of my car because my brain goes to mush. I told him I could almost come just by looking at him (not far from the truth I have to say) and that I wouldn't be needing any soap tonight 'cause I was slippery enough.

He said he hadn't noticed me tripping, but that hed been checking me out in the mirror. He said he was getting hard, just typing to me.

I didn't reply. I wanted to go hunt him down and smother him with my kisses.

I shake my head constantly in how futile every thing is.

Why? Why? Why?