28 days

and still nothing.

I haven't even sent ''hey'' off in a text to him.

Very proud of myself.

And pissed off he hasn't contacted me in those 4 weeks. Sure, he's been away from his 'night' job, but thats no excuse. And the longer he goes without contacting me, the better he'll probably feel he's 'doing the right' thing on the home front. He may also wonder now if by contacting me he will receive some kind of biting, scathing remark in response. Ive thought of something catty, dont worry...

But I'm definitely sad. And tomorrow night, even though realistically I know I probably wont hear from B, come Sunday morning, I'll no doubt of shed a tear or two because I haven't heard from him. :(

To text or not to text?

Day 25. Ugh! Up. Down. Text. Dont text. Call. Dont call. Round and fucking round it goes.

Do I text a smiple "I miss you." ? No. That implies I expect a similar response.

"Where have you been?" No, too whiney.

"Hey georgeous. Hows things?" Obvisoulsy he's been fine enough to not contact me.

23 days

... since Ive had any contact with or from B.

23 long, emotional days.

I've drafted a few sms's (addressed to B) but sent them to myself, so I actually have a record of what I was thinking at the time. I found this has been helpful. Even the one that simply said "I miss you".

Ive driven by his street, and noticed he has a different work car at the moment. Actually, after drooping off my daughter to a friends house on Friday, I was driving down the street where his work mate lives (the one who lives next to my girlfriend), and I noticed a car with the same company logo on the side... it crossed my mind that it may be B's because it was parked on the street, not in the driveway. Yesterday I saw the same car at B's.

Last night I had a friend come 'round to watch a DVD. He has just gone through a long drawn out break-up. I have always liked this guy - Ive known him for around 18 years and we did go out briefly back then - but am reluctant to start anything "romantic'' because i dont want to be his re-bound girl. And, I dont want him to be my re-bound guy. He came over around 8pm, and left around 2.30, and as he was leaving, he's standing in my kitchen, talking, and part of me was wondering if he considered kissing me. The other part of me remembered B in pretty much the same spot, and we didn't do much talking... And all night, I had my mobile by my side, just in case B messaged me, even though realistically I knew / know that he wouldn't. :(

So next Saturday, he goes back to his Saturday night gig.

I wonder how long before I hear from him. I wonder if I can hold out from making the first move.

I wonder what my response will be. I should keep it all light; no d&m stuff. But I think Ill include both. :)

Half Way

Its 2 weeks since Ive heard from B, and 3 since Ive seen him. He wont return to the weekend job for another 2 weeks, and who knows when the arrangement of car-pooling will allow him to stop by my place.

Emotionally, I have been all over the shop during the last few weeks. I am so extraordinarily sad. Just thinking about never ever, ever ever, seeing B again breaks my heart. My eyes immediately well with tears.

Not contacting him has not been too difficult. Thats not to say I haven't itched on occasion to send a text, but Ive done surprisingly well. Of course, driving past his street is a different story. Ive succumbed to that.

Ive talked till I'm blue and drained from crying with couple of my closest girlfriends. Ive said I know I need to end this; I know I'm nothing more than just a fuck for him. And part of not contacting him is to see how long it takes before he contacts me. I'm not usually a game player, but this whole thing is crazy anyway.

The other day I had coffee and caught up with a girlfriend, and on the weekend she went out to dinner with a friend to celebrate (her friends) birthday. My girlfriends friend is the one who knows B and his wife. I have a feeling they were there at this birthday dinner too, or at least B's wife.

I dont feel that having a partner makes you more worthwhile, or completes you as such, but having someone special to share things with is what we humans naturally tend to crave. And that is definitely what I want. I am not where I want to be in every area of my life, but I'm okay. Even financially, I am worse off than I was a year ago due to bad budgeting and over spending, but even that does not put me in such a downer as knowing that B and I will never be permanently together, and that I dont have any one else either.

When I'm out with friends, at a party etc, I love watching couples interact. The hubby who knows what choccy his wife would prefer out of the bowl of assorted ones. The girlfriend who is talking with friends, looks around for her boyfriend because hes been gone from her side a while, and they catch each others eye across the room, and smile at each other. And everything is okay again for a while. Having the option to curl up on the lounge with your loved one on a cold rainy day (like it was today) and just watch dvd's and drink hot choccy. I want that. And because I dont, those same things also make me very melancholy.

I also know the more I look the more it will allude me. I should know what it is I want, the qualities and characteristics I appreciate in a man, for sure. But to look at every man as a ''potential" is just desperate.

I really need to tryst that it will happen when its meant to.

But then I go 'round in circles... I should let go totally of B so I am more open to a new partner. On the other hand, who knows when that new person will appear, so why not hold on to B un til then?

I dont know why I am feeling sooooo strongly about this damn man. And why Im so affected by how Im feeling.

And the worst part is, that really, it doesnt matter how I feel, or rather it doesnt matter that anyone else knows, because Im the only one who can make steps to change it. If B knows that I love him, what then? A big fat nothing. Whats the point in him knowing then.

Addiction?

My star sign suggests that Id be more susceptible to addictions of drug or alcohol. Thankfully I don't drink that much and am quite happy to not drink, and Ive tried marijuana a few times, but never got that feeling of "absolutely having to have it" again.

But addicted to B? Well, that's a different story.

I went to a girlfriends house last night and got to together with another girlfriend, which we do every few weeks, to chat about stuff - mostly our love life. The girl who hosts is happily married, and the other girl and I are her 'entertainment'. We're like her regular dose of Bold and the Beautiful. Except its real life. Our life.

Whenever conversation turned to me, and B, I got a bit more emotional than usual. In fact, I cried twice. They understand now how I feel. And they also realise how over my head I am with it all, and how I desperately need to get out.

I told them how I actually congratulate myself for not purposely driving past his house for example.

And this morning, there are a few things I would normally 'check' or look at on the social network site, but Ive avoided them. So far. But it is only 9.08am.

I have to consciously remind myself to not do these things.

And now, I need to STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.

:)

Christopher Plummer

I know Ive got it bad, when, while watching The Sound of Music with a girlfriends daughter who Im looking after for a few hours, I realise that the young Christopher Plummer reminds me of B. Especially during the scene where he dances with Frauline Maria during one of their parties...

...and big fat tear drops streak my cheeks.