Angry!

I'm so pissed off right now. It's 'period' time, so I'm a little more hormonal than usual anyway, which I fully acknowledge. I'm definately swinging between tearing up, and feeling rage.

I haven't worked out at the gym on a Sunday for months, but I went this morning, and man, it felt good to work some of the frustration out! When I went past B's street on the way, at 11am, his work car was out front, so I dont think he did work today after all. Afterward, I went to the shopping centre (where I go often, and where I saw B's wife once) to get a couple of things, but also on the lookout for B or his family. I wanted to say something. Once and for all. Finish things properly. Get everything out in the open. Make it so I can move on. Didn't see anyone.

This is so ridiculous to be so caught up over someone. But I am in such pain. I've never felt it like this. My house is immaculate and chores are up to date; because when Im angry, I work. I suppose that's a good thing... And keeping busy helps keep me from doing anything stupid that I might regret, like send him a whingey bitchy text, or call his house. Or something.

I have been saying to myself over and over to not contact him again in any shape or form. Fuck him.

And I dont think I can be fucked about anyone else either, ever again.

Disappointed

Its 8.15am Sunday morning.

I am very disappointed. I didn't see B last night. Or Friday night. And he worked both nights. For some reason I really expected that I would see him last night though, even though I was telling myself I wouldn't (how confusing is that?).

I drove my daughters to a party last night, and on the way home from dropping them off, I drove literally past his house. The way his work car was parked suggested that he would've of been the one driving everyone last night... but then I remembered that he said something about working this Sunday (today) for his day job, and if that were the case, he would've been too tired to stop by my place.

I understand that, I guess. But some contact would've been good.

I'm so disappointed with myself too that I didn't even reach out to touch his hand when we were together on Tuesday...

Also, I sent B a quick photo message Id taken on Friday, of some advertising Id seen, which is for one of the places he works at, and he didn't respond. :( He's had trouble receiving pictures on the main number in the past but he still would've know it was me trying to send something.

I dont know how to move on from this. I dont know how to not think about him.

Catch up

I couldn't wait any longer. I texted B this morning on my way to the once-a-month outing I have with my nan, and where B's boss also compere's. I told him where I was going and that I wanted to see him for just 5 minutes ('cause he often works in the same area as the club).

And lo and behold, he replied "Possibly". I almost fell over. He went on to tell me where he was working and that it depended on the weather.

Long story short, we texted a little over the next few hours, and he wasn't able to make it, although that wasn't confirmed til after Id left the club, and had gone 30 minutes in the opposite direction. I kept watching my map on my phone; initially it said we were only 2.7km apart... watching that distance grow as I left the club was heart breaking.

Around 3.30 he messaged me apologising, saying he'd got caught up with work (and the working around the weather) and said he could see me for "5 now though".

I replied that it would take me 20 minutes to get to where ever he was, and I suggested we meet at his mates house, M, or somewhere near. Then - another blow-me-away moment - he said he could call in to my place. And when I read that, didn't I stamp my feet and curse! My eldest daughter was home, so that wasn't an option. I replied that that would've been good (except my daughter was home) but that if he was okay, I could sit in his van.

So that's what I did.

It was nice, and easy. Sat and talked for about 1/2 hour. We didn't touch or kiss. Told him about the guy that Id been out with a few times, and that Id flicked him, and why. Then B told me about a guy he works with that he could set me up with. Bit of a crazy ex though, who apparently, when their house was on the market after they'd split, and it was sold, went in to the house and smashed all the glass. Or something. But, B said, jokingly, he probably wouldn't work out, "'cause he's 43". "And what's that supposed to mean?" I asked, but then that's when I realised the joke, and that he was having a dig at me liking younger guys. :) "Well," I said, "That would mean his real age would be about 34 then". How weird would that be? Going out with someone B works with? Makes me shudder.

I asked if his work mate M had told him we ran into each other last week and had a chat, but he said no.

I got the very strong impression that this day of the week B normally gets the afternoon's to himself. He told me his routine, and that today was different because of the weather, so he'd be doing other things, while he had the time to himself, which he was clearly looking forward to.

He told me how much he's been working. We didn't talk about our feelings for each other, or the fact that we were meeting up, although he did say he'd been going to give me a call or a message a few times, but work had been crazy. Working all week. Coming up to Christmas, he'll be working more Friday nights as well as Saturday nights, and he works his day job most Saturdays at the moment, and the occasional Sunday. Whew! And for the first time ever, he asked how my kids were.

Oh! And another thing. He actually asked how long we'd known each other? 2 years? I confirmed that it was indeed 2 years, and in fact this coming Tuesday would be the anniversary of when I first saw him. Incredible. I told him that that was nice that he'd remember something like that. He said he almost wondered if it were 3 years, but nope. Definitely 2 years.

(And I still feel the same, if not a whole lot stronger).

Beautiful eyes. Beautiful hands. Mmm.

I sent him a message about 15 minutes after he'd left saying that he had no idea how good it was to just see him, and thank you.

Kiss!

Saturday night I texted B, while I was out. I simply asked how he was doing. It was also to gauge if I thought Id be seeing him later that night. He replied he was fine and asked how I was, and I simply said "x". He replied "X !"

And no, I didn't see him.

Mrs...

I actually thought I'd hear from B today, or get a text. But nope.

On my way to a workplace orientation, still in our local area, I saw his wife in the car slowing down for the round-a-bout. Coulda waved at her as I passed, coming through the round-a-bout, if she hadn't of been looking the other way...

Drive

There has been no progression - actually there has been nothing - with B lately.

Last week, while getting petrol, I pulled in behind B's friend M (the one who lives next to my good friend). We had a bit of a chat. I looked alright that day, so I hope he "reported" me to B. Stupid huh? We didn't talk about B of course; my kids were with me too...

I met a guy online, offline, for the first time a week and a half ago. We have emailed, texted and briefly spoken. Actually, the night I met up with B, I had also had an invite to meet this guy for the first time too but I declined. Anyway, we met up a week later for a Sunday drink, and it was nice and easy. He is very simple though; no aspirations to move on, his language is simple, no other hobbies or interests other than the gym. He however seemed keen, and messaged or called me daily. We had dinner last Saturday night, and while it was a nice time, I learned more about him and my opinions were reinforced. He buys take-out almost daily for dinner, and doesn't cook anything other than spaghetti when his son comes to visit. That's not a deal breaker, but being irresponsible with money is, and he certainly shared a story or two regarding that. After dinner we went for drinks to the same placed we had been at the previous week (which is also a place I've met up with B at on a Thursday night in the past, and the same place he'd been to on his birthday, the very first night we had sex...). Anyway. We had a drink or two, and the conversation was easy, but not stimulating. We kissed, but, again, while it was... nice, there was no spark for me.

Id had already made an excuse that I had to leave a bit earlier, because I kind of knew I wasn't that keen. I went to bed around 12.30 and fell in to a very restless sleep, and woke every 20 minutes or so, checking my phone, in case there were missed messages from B. At 3am I realised I would not be hearing from him, and slept relatively fine.

:(

The next afternoon, the Sunday just gone, I had drinks at the local pub with some friends, where B often hangs. But he wasn't there...

Today, I finally changed my password on my phone to something more positive.

I still think of him constantly, but dont cry as easily. I have no doubt that I love him, but the timing is all wrong. He too is a very simple guy, and would probably except all his meals cooked for him etc, but I dont need to worry about those things. That, and the fact he is a cheat should be enough to have me move on but I cant help how I feel. I can only make more positive choices in future.

On my way to the gym tonight, I drove past his street (there is no other option unless I detour), and as I looked up the road toward his house, he was crossing the street to his work car, beer (I'm guessing) in hand, and I saw him look up (probably because my car is noisy; the exhaust needs replacing, so you can hear my car a mile away :P), and he would've seen my car for sure.

Anyway, big deal, right? I know its easier for him if he tries to keep me "outta sight", cause then "I'm outta mind".

Password

I guess have his name as the login / password for my phone (again) is - in my case - negative reinforcement??