Saturday, June 5, 2010
I wanted to clarify the kind of person I am. Normally.
I am strong, and independent. I don't wait around for others if I need to get something done, unless I absolutely can not do it with out them. Ive learnt to do so much myself over the last year or two, from changing tyres, and putting furniture together, to mowing lawns and keeping budgets and finances. Emotionally Ive had to depend on myself, for years. I do have great supportive friends, but there are some things noone understands, especially if you cant verbalise what youre feeling.
I have always been one of those people who believes that things always work out in the end. In my last long term relationship, while I could acknowledge my mistakes and things I needed to improve on, I also realised that any attacks on my personality by my (now) ex was actually because of his own insecurities, and I learnt to try not to take them too personally. But I am an emotional person, and things still stung at times, perhaps more from wondering how anyone can be so mean, rather than what was actually said or done. Ultimately however, without being high and mighty, I knew I was better than that.
I know I deserve better.
So Ive pondered the question about whether I am "settling" for something with B, because I think I'm not good enough, or my circumstances make it difficult to be in a relationship and thus am using that as an excuse. And honestly, the answer is no. I know I'm a decent and good person. I know that there is someone out there for me one day. I receive attention now, but have been mentally ticking off my checklist of needs, wants and attributes when I meet people. I need to open up and allow more choice, because I think I'm too closed off.
So again, no I don't think I'm settling, I'm transitioning.
I am strong, and independent. I don't wait around for others if I need to get something done, unless I absolutely can not do it with out them. Ive learnt to do so much myself over the last year or two, from changing tyres, and putting furniture together, to mowing lawns and keeping budgets and finances. Emotionally Ive had to depend on myself, for years. I do have great supportive friends, but there are some things noone understands, especially if you cant verbalise what youre feeling.
I have always been one of those people who believes that things always work out in the end. In my last long term relationship, while I could acknowledge my mistakes and things I needed to improve on, I also realised that any attacks on my personality by my (now) ex was actually because of his own insecurities, and I learnt to try not to take them too personally. But I am an emotional person, and things still stung at times, perhaps more from wondering how anyone can be so mean, rather than what was actually said or done. Ultimately however, without being high and mighty, I knew I was better than that.
I know I deserve better.
So Ive pondered the question about whether I am "settling" for something with B, because I think I'm not good enough, or my circumstances make it difficult to be in a relationship and thus am using that as an excuse. And honestly, the answer is no. I know I'm a decent and good person. I know that there is someone out there for me one day. I receive attention now, but have been mentally ticking off my checklist of needs, wants and attributes when I meet people. I need to open up and allow more choice, because I think I'm too closed off.
So again, no I don't think I'm settling, I'm transitioning.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Friday night. 8.30pm. And all I can think is that Ive made a mistake. A huge one.
B is my drug of choice. I liken it to pot; not something you have to have everyday, would be good if you did, but not as addictive usually as some drugs. After not having had it for a little bit, you start thinking about how good it would be to have some more, and you keep thinking about it, until you're consumed with need.
I haven't had a reply to my email or any contact from B. Ive said I wouldn't contact him until if and when he contacted me. What the hell did I say that for? I also said in the email that if waiting for him to contact me meant Id have to wait a goddamn month, then so be it, but I hoped I wouldn't have to wait that long. And what the hell did I say that for??
Should I just send a message asking if he got the email, and tell him I miss him? Or would he be more impressed with me standing by what I wrote and not contact him first?
What if he really does the whole month until he contacts me? And worse, what if, now that I left it in his hands and given him the option, I never hear from him again?? Arrrggghhh!
The mistake Ive made, apart from those two things in the email, was that I ended things! It must of been the wine talking that night! Why didn't I just talk about things then and there, and try and sort out a compromise? Or at the worst, I could have arranged to meet him anyway, and talked about it then!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
My girlfriend L said today that she knew Id contact him, and wouldn't be able to just stop seeing him. She also thinks I'm a little in love with him.
I don't think its love, but I do know that Ive returned to thinking about why give him up? Something is better than nothing, right? And when I find that someone I want to get to know, because of my circumstances, it wont be an instantaneous full on relationship anyhow. I can phase B out while I determine if the new guy will be transitioned in.
Or something...
B is my drug of choice. I liken it to pot; not something you have to have everyday, would be good if you did, but not as addictive usually as some drugs. After not having had it for a little bit, you start thinking about how good it would be to have some more, and you keep thinking about it, until you're consumed with need.
I haven't had a reply to my email or any contact from B. Ive said I wouldn't contact him until if and when he contacted me. What the hell did I say that for? I also said in the email that if waiting for him to contact me meant Id have to wait a goddamn month, then so be it, but I hoped I wouldn't have to wait that long. And what the hell did I say that for??
Should I just send a message asking if he got the email, and tell him I miss him? Or would he be more impressed with me standing by what I wrote and not contact him first?
What if he really does the whole month until he contacts me? And worse, what if, now that I left it in his hands and given him the option, I never hear from him again?? Arrrggghhh!
The mistake Ive made, apart from those two things in the email, was that I ended things! It must of been the wine talking that night! Why didn't I just talk about things then and there, and try and sort out a compromise? Or at the worst, I could have arranged to meet him anyway, and talked about it then!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
My girlfriend L said today that she knew Id contact him, and wouldn't be able to just stop seeing him. She also thinks I'm a little in love with him.
I don't think its love, but I do know that Ive returned to thinking about why give him up? Something is better than nothing, right? And when I find that someone I want to get to know, because of my circumstances, it wont be an instantaneous full on relationship anyhow. I can phase B out while I determine if the new guy will be transitioned in.
Or something...
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Last night, around 10pm, I sent B a message asking if he was at (band) practice. He replied a short time later saying yes, he'd "just finished".
"Can we still be friends right?" I asked. "Sure" he replied. "Well, you know things don't usually work out like that but nice of you to agree" I replied. "You know what will happen don't you if we see each other again?" he asked. So Ive gone on to say how Ive sat in his work van and been out in public with him and looked but not touched because that's the way its had to be, and that I'm sure I could do it again. "Okay," he replied. I told him Id had a few months practice of self control and I could give him some tips. :-)
By this morning though, it occurred to me that he actually has a lot of self control. Or even, we have self control in different areas of this... thing. He is more controlled with limiting contact with me, but once we're alone, he's a goner. That's surely just his dick talking. I on the other hand need other communication and contact so that when we are alone, it doesn't feel so sleazy. And so I text or email rather than wait for him.
I tried putting a little of that in a message to him, but it obviously wasn't clear enough. B replied that he didn't get it at all. "I'm sorry to confuse things. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about if we ever meet again" I replied.
Of course Ive been mulling over this all afternoon. What would I be happy with, given the situation? What if we talked about things, and I explained how I wouldve been okay if he had of just said Ill give you a call in the next week or so, and we'll organise to meet up, and he told me there just no way he couldve done that which is why he didnt say that in the first place? What if I never heard from him again? Should I send a message asking to meet up? Should I do that now or in a month? Should I see how long I can go without contacting him?
Im confused over the fact that in some ways I did feel a bit more than just someone he was having sex with, because otherwise every time we got together we would've ended up in bed (or have had sex anyhow). But in actual fact, we probably met up without having sex more than we actually had sex. He wouldn't invited me to practice, or just to meet him out at the pub if it was just about sex.
So why did he have to go and say "guess Ill see you in a month"??
So anyway, Ive sent an email to his work which hopefully he'll get tomorrow morning. Basically Ive said Id like to meet up to chat because we've both misunderstood some things, but that Id wait for him to contact me and Id leave him alone until he did...
I'm thinking he's thinking I'm scattered, and this is just too much trouble.
I guess we shall soon see what and if there is a response.
"Can we still be friends right?" I asked. "Sure" he replied. "Well, you know things don't usually work out like that but nice of you to agree" I replied. "You know what will happen don't you if we see each other again?" he asked. So Ive gone on to say how Ive sat in his work van and been out in public with him and looked but not touched because that's the way its had to be, and that I'm sure I could do it again. "Okay," he replied. I told him Id had a few months practice of self control and I could give him some tips. :-)
By this morning though, it occurred to me that he actually has a lot of self control. Or even, we have self control in different areas of this... thing. He is more controlled with limiting contact with me, but once we're alone, he's a goner. That's surely just his dick talking. I on the other hand need other communication and contact so that when we are alone, it doesn't feel so sleazy. And so I text or email rather than wait for him.
I tried putting a little of that in a message to him, but it obviously wasn't clear enough. B replied that he didn't get it at all. "I'm sorry to confuse things. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about if we ever meet again" I replied.
Of course Ive been mulling over this all afternoon. What would I be happy with, given the situation? What if we talked about things, and I explained how I wouldve been okay if he had of just said Ill give you a call in the next week or so, and we'll organise to meet up, and he told me there just no way he couldve done that which is why he didnt say that in the first place? What if I never heard from him again? Should I send a message asking to meet up? Should I do that now or in a month? Should I see how long I can go without contacting him?
Im confused over the fact that in some ways I did feel a bit more than just someone he was having sex with, because otherwise every time we got together we would've ended up in bed (or have had sex anyhow). But in actual fact, we probably met up without having sex more than we actually had sex. He wouldn't invited me to practice, or just to meet him out at the pub if it was just about sex.
So why did he have to go and say "guess Ill see you in a month"??
So anyway, Ive sent an email to his work which hopefully he'll get tomorrow morning. Basically Ive said Id like to meet up to chat because we've both misunderstood some things, but that Id wait for him to contact me and Id leave him alone until he did...
I'm thinking he's thinking I'm scattered, and this is just too much trouble.
I guess we shall soon see what and if there is a response.
I'd held off crying all day. I was even mentally patting myself on the back for being so strong. I looked at the time and wondered what the time had been when B had sent me the message 2 Wednesdays back saying he had "practice tonight" and of course then I was thinking that no such message would be coming my way today. I picked up my phone, and pressed the sms button before I could change my mind, and scrolled through the messages from B until I found what I was looking for... the message had come in at 3.51pm, and it was now 4.00pm.
And then I cried. I tried to contain it. Really I did. My kids and I had just returned home from school pick up, and showing my little ones the "new house". But the tears flowed.
Minutes later, as I had myself under control, I noticed I had a couple of new emails.
And one was from B.
I was surprised, I have to say. I mean, not only did I not owe him any explanation of why I ended things, he certainly didn't have to respond to what Id written. But he acknowledged or replied to everything I said.
At first I didn't know what to make of his responses; he said he'd never meant to hurt me, but given the situation it was inevitable. He thought me more than just a fuck buddy, and he does give a shit (in reply to me saying he probably didnt).
I sent a text to him saying Id received his email, thanks, and that I didn't know what to say.
But now, the more I read the email, the more I realise how defensive he is being.
The main reason I ended things then was because he didn't say anything about getting together or even so much as giving me a phone call during the next month. And also because we had sex, he had a smoke, and left. His defense was that he cant just vanish (out to see me) even though he'd like to, and that he stayed for a smoke, but had to leave, as usual. Pfft.
Still, while I'm annoyed by his defensiveness, I'm also very happy that he took the time to respond.
And then I cried. I tried to contain it. Really I did. My kids and I had just returned home from school pick up, and showing my little ones the "new house". But the tears flowed.
Minutes later, as I had myself under control, I noticed I had a couple of new emails.
And one was from B.
I was surprised, I have to say. I mean, not only did I not owe him any explanation of why I ended things, he certainly didn't have to respond to what Id written. But he acknowledged or replied to everything I said.
At first I didn't know what to make of his responses; he said he'd never meant to hurt me, but given the situation it was inevitable. He thought me more than just a fuck buddy, and he does give a shit (in reply to me saying he probably didnt).
I sent a text to him saying Id received his email, thanks, and that I didn't know what to say.
But now, the more I read the email, the more I realise how defensive he is being.
The main reason I ended things then was because he didn't say anything about getting together or even so much as giving me a phone call during the next month. And also because we had sex, he had a smoke, and left. His defense was that he cant just vanish (out to see me) even though he'd like to, and that he stayed for a smoke, but had to leave, as usual. Pfft.
Still, while I'm annoyed by his defensiveness, I'm also very happy that he took the time to respond.
It's day 4 post "breakup" and I'm going through the standard phases of emotions. Today, I'm still sad, still well aware that this is for the best, but am very pissed off.
I went shopping in a Centre this morning just up from where B lives. That's not unusual, because this is a regular place I go to. I was more aware however today of watching the mums with young kids, and wondering if Id see B's wife. And then, in my internal conversations, I think "well big deal if you did. What are you gonna do? Introduce yourself? No? Then stop looking!"
It's crazy.
I was having coffee in a cafe, right next to a music store. On their video screens, Slash was showing his moves on his guitar. So then I was thinking about B, and his upcoming performance in July that he'd "invited" me to. I can only shake my head. I think all the time about stupid crazy stuff, wondering why he hasn't emailed or contacted me. Will he send a message one Friday or Saturday night when he's on one of his long leashed binges, and text me, saying how he misses me? I imagine my replies to the imaginary scenarios. I'd not reply, or I'd send a short and sharp response. Or I'd tell him how I'm moving to a place that's only 4 minutes away from his home...
And the main thought for today: it's Wednesday. Rehearsal day. Will he message me asking to meet him? Probably not, but part of me desperately wants it.
The best way of describing why I am so angry, is its not because I expected our relationship would turn in to a long term thing, or that I thought he'd leave his wife or any of those sorts of things. I am angry at B's lack of... commitment (I guess that's it) to what little we did have. It could of worked a lot better.
Ultimately I know the last year has really just been transitional, and that I ended things with him when I did really is for the best. My family and I can start off in my our home afresh.
My time will come for a fulfilling relationship. So I need to stop looking.
I went shopping in a Centre this morning just up from where B lives. That's not unusual, because this is a regular place I go to. I was more aware however today of watching the mums with young kids, and wondering if Id see B's wife. And then, in my internal conversations, I think "well big deal if you did. What are you gonna do? Introduce yourself? No? Then stop looking!"
It's crazy.
I was having coffee in a cafe, right next to a music store. On their video screens, Slash was showing his moves on his guitar. So then I was thinking about B, and his upcoming performance in July that he'd "invited" me to. I can only shake my head. I think all the time about stupid crazy stuff, wondering why he hasn't emailed or contacted me. Will he send a message one Friday or Saturday night when he's on one of his long leashed binges, and text me, saying how he misses me? I imagine my replies to the imaginary scenarios. I'd not reply, or I'd send a short and sharp response. Or I'd tell him how I'm moving to a place that's only 4 minutes away from his home...
And the main thought for today: it's Wednesday. Rehearsal day. Will he message me asking to meet him? Probably not, but part of me desperately wants it.
The best way of describing why I am so angry, is its not because I expected our relationship would turn in to a long term thing, or that I thought he'd leave his wife or any of those sorts of things. I am angry at B's lack of... commitment (I guess that's it) to what little we did have. It could of worked a lot better.
Ultimately I know the last year has really just been transitional, and that I ended things with him when I did really is for the best. My family and I can start off in my our home afresh.
My time will come for a fulfilling relationship. So I need to stop looking.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Love this quote I came across today. I think I have been a little guilty in being so caught up with B, and everything I felt with him, and wondering about the next thing to happen etc, that I pushed aside the obvious truth of knowing that I meant little to him other than being a fuck buddy. Even though he did say from the start to not plan my Saturdays especially around him, I still did. I reorganised many things, even shopping trips to the suburbs he works in, just in case he called, or we could meet up.
"Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option."
Since Id had in my mind that I wanted to give B a letter which finalised things for me, and acted like "final words" I sent a fairly brief email to his work address last night. I know he had a day off yesterday and that he wouldn't get it until today...
Its 1.14pm, and Ive wondered if he's received it. Ive said in there that I don't expect a reply, but I guess I would really like one. Is that a female thing? :-)
Ive just said again that I don't regret anything, hes helped me find myself, and that him saying he wouldn't see me for a month and that he didn't stay to chat for ten minutes cemented my decision to end things now. I also told him I hoped he sorted himself and his relationship with his wife out, whatever that may mean...
Tears have only spilled over on to my cheeks once today, although they're always there on the precipice.
Again, I know its the best decision, but I become attached easily, and I gave so much of myself, while holding back so much too, and I still hurt.
You know in the movies when new love turns sour for whatever reason, and one of the characters moves cities to get away or they take a job opportunity elsewhere? And then one of them realises what they're losing or letting go off, and they go in search of their love to tell them, only to discover they no longer live there? Well, similarly, yesterday I was offered a larger more appropriate house (for my child who has a disability), and we move next week. Not that I expect B to just contact me one day and want to see me, or just turn up. This house is only 4 minutes drive from where he lives... Sigh.
Serioulsy though, I do find it interesting that this move is happening now, right when a change is needed.
At least my mind will have some other focus for a while.
But I will never forget my gorgeous B.
Its 1.14pm, and Ive wondered if he's received it. Ive said in there that I don't expect a reply, but I guess I would really like one. Is that a female thing? :-)
Ive just said again that I don't regret anything, hes helped me find myself, and that him saying he wouldn't see me for a month and that he didn't stay to chat for ten minutes cemented my decision to end things now. I also told him I hoped he sorted himself and his relationship with his wife out, whatever that may mean...
Tears have only spilled over on to my cheeks once today, although they're always there on the precipice.
Again, I know its the best decision, but I become attached easily, and I gave so much of myself, while holding back so much too, and I still hurt.
You know in the movies when new love turns sour for whatever reason, and one of the characters moves cities to get away or they take a job opportunity elsewhere? And then one of them realises what they're losing or letting go off, and they go in search of their love to tell them, only to discover they no longer live there? Well, similarly, yesterday I was offered a larger more appropriate house (for my child who has a disability), and we move next week. Not that I expect B to just contact me one day and want to see me, or just turn up. This house is only 4 minutes drive from where he lives... Sigh.
Serioulsy though, I do find it interesting that this move is happening now, right when a change is needed.
At least my mind will have some other focus for a while.
But I will never forget my gorgeous B.
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