Christmas!

I saw him today. My kids had gone to their dads, and I was driving to Christmas lunch with my relo's. I drove up the street before his, and as I came to the round-a-bout, there he was in his car, along with the family. There were no other cars. Because he was on my right, he had the right of way, but I followed closely him through. I turned off though in the direction he'd originally come from.

Now remember, my number plates are different. I dont know if knows that or not. He would've taken a look at my car though, for being similar, so...but I dont know. His car has tinted windows, so I couldn't quite make out if he was looking back in his mirrors or what.

I was shaking for a few minutes after that. A bit of irony in that I saw him today...

Hey!

"Yeah you too!"

I received his reply just before midnight.

No reply

I still think of B every day. More than once a day. In fact, still, quite often. Further, the last 2 mornings I've woken around 4am, simply thinking of him, and last night in particular, could'nt go back to sleep for more than a hour.

I haven't seen him for - what? 3 months now? I haven't heard from him for more than 2 weeks, when he asked how I was.

I sent him a message this afternoon just wishing him a fab Christmas, and hoping 2012 is better for him than 2011.

Well, it's 7.5 hours since then, and he's not replied. He is working his night job, so...

That makes me so sad.

We're now at 'no reply'.

:*(

I messaged him Friday night while I was out at a Christmas party. Told him that that artist had sent me a friend request... It's Sunday night, and the bugger didnt reply. Payback?

I had a little cry today. I'm missing him so badly. And yes, Im missing sex. Actually, to be honest I just want to fuck. But if it were a matter of 'just sex' I could make that happen with some random dude.

I went to the local pub this evening; didn't see B there though. I also have some guy who starting in-boxing me, and friended me, because we have a mutual friend, and now he wont leave me alone, even though we haven't actually met. He's called a few times, as well as texted. Its actually put me off a little.

Then there's my friend that I've known for a while, also a B (but cant remember what I've referred to him as on here). He - without doubt - contacts me every 2 weeks or so. Sometimes more, sometimes less. He called yesterday, left a message about doing something this arvo, so I called him back last night, and we had a quick chat, and then he said he'd buzz me in the morning (today) to see where things were at. He didn't call til 2.30. Said his phone was flat, and he'd gone out with his daughters so hadn't had a chance to call. I said Id waited for his call, but ended up making other arrangements. And thus, why I went to our local pub. A guy from the gym goes for a drink every Sunday arvo, with his wife, and we get on well.

So, lots going on, but not much either.

I just want B...

4 weeks

I can not believe its only been 4 weeks since the text from B telling me I had to move on.

Had the day at the club with my nan today, and the artist performing was someone B had mentioned that rainy day I sat in his car, only 5 weeks ago. He has a great gravel-type voice, and sings a variety of songs.

I sent B a message saying that I liked the gravel in his voice, and ten minutes later B replied with "He's good hey. How are you?"

I felt like I was viewing someone else life; there I am, a single mum, getting texts from a married man I've had an affair with, and still think of constantly, while watching an artist that we spoke of only recently, organised by a man who I'm 'friends' with on a social networking site, who is B's boss for his other job, and on who's 'wall' B's wife posted a pic of their gorgeous kids recently. And I'm sitting there thinking, oh my, if only you all knew...

That was 11.30am. Its 5pm now, and I didnt reply. I didnt know what to say. If I say 'great', he'll think Im moving on. If I say 'Fan-fucking-tastic', he'll realise my sarcasm, and I'll look childish. How about 'Good thanks. You?' Oh yes. Let's be utterly polite. And now that Ive not replied, I'll just look rude.

Sigh.

On the way home, I decided to pick up some groceries, and made my way to the shopping centre near B's. And wouldn't you know it, on one of the main streets, right near his house, I passed him in his work car. He had another guy with him. I saw no indication that he recognised me or my car, which is kind of good; when I renewed my registration recently, I changed the number plates, and he wouldn't know about that, unless he's driven past my house while my car has been parked.

I think I'm glad I didn't reply.

Itchy fingers

I've got increasingly itchy fingers tonight... I am so tempted to send B's wife a message of some sort, hinting at his infidelity. There was a news article published today talking about cheating, and I wanted to send her the link. I've gone to do that twice. Of course I've been thinking about the repercussions; B finding out and contacting me, splitting up their family and so on.

And I just cant do it.

As much as I dont agree that he's cheated and stayed with her, I also dont want him hurt, or, and perhaps more importantly, their children hurt. I've just seen a picture she's posted on a mutual friends 'wall' and they're truly gorgeous kids. And that was probably the push I needed to not send her a message, anonymously or otherwise.

I've have been sleeping better of a night, but still check my phone for any missed messages or calls from him as soon as I wake (on the weekends).

I went to join a dating site again, but really am wondering what the point is.

Some thing has got to change, and it needs to be how I view things.

On one level I know I need to accept what we had for the experience that it was, and just move on. But there are so many reasons why its just not that simple with the main one being that I just dont get to go anywhere or do anything where I am able to meet others.

Ideas?

Fast Cars Are White

Had to visit some family in an area where I know B works, which he'd also said only 3 or 4 weeks ago that he'd be working in 'for week yet'. That Tuesday we were meant to meet up (and where he ended up meeting out front of my house), he'd actually given me the name of a main street in this suburb, so today, on my way to family, I drove around a little, looking for him. What would I of done if I'd seen him? Who the hell knows.

When I didn't find him in one area (although I did see some other vehicles related to his industry), I thought Id have a drive and look around.

Suddenly I asked myself "how ridiculous am I?" What stupid behaviour. Driving around, not even knowing if he would be anywhere, and even if he were, we're meant to be finished and he's not meant to see me anyway.

And then, I turned my car around and went to the first family's house I was visiting.

Later today, after grocery shipping, I detoured just slightly, and drove past his house. I remembered he said that Tuesday afternoons he has to himself. The garage was open, and I saw his 'new' car. A gorgeous white Mustang.

Loving Christina Perri's song, Jar of Hearts, at the moment. Particularly the lines:

"It took so long just to feel all right,

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed..."

It makes me cry. As much as I do wish we never had started anything, I also do not regret our time.

The next line is

" 'Cause you broke all your promises.

And now you're back,

You dont get to get me back."

Well, he certainly never made any promises, to his credit I guess. And he wont be wanting me or coming back either, that's for sure.

:(