Broken finger?

Again, I was stupid. I clearly have not been reading my post-its. I sent B a text this morning (early, just after 8am!) saying I miss him, and asking if I would ever have him again...

I guess I was looking for a lead in to some arranging of a more definite time we would see each other, like this Saturday for example.

Theres a guy who Ive known for a long time, and sometimes we just hang out together, and each time I see him I consider him in a 'long term' way. He makes me laugh, he's talented, quite attractive, a lovely consideration person, and I have the absolute best conversations with him about everything. Oh, and he knows just about everything me there is to know. Almost. Tongue in cheek there... Anyway, there's a party on Saturday night Ive been invited to. In fact, a year ago, I had B pick me up from the same birthday person's place. I really only know the birthday person and his wife. I thought I could take my friend as company. But I keep thinking of one last time with B. I don't want to hurt my 'friend' and start things with him if I'm not sure...

So I was waiting on some kind of reply from B, and really worked myself up to respond in a blase, angry kind of way, because I think the only way Ill be able to end things with him is to get angry and acknowledge his horrible behaviour of his wife and to me, and remember that he cant have his cake and eat it too...

But by 4pm, when I know he's usually home, I still hadn't had a reply from him.

I was on my way home around 4.30pm, with my 2 younger kids, and drove up the street of my girlfriend, who lives next to B's workmate. And B was there (at his workmates). I had something to drop off to my friend, as it turns out, so I did that (and also sent a message

to B saying "So close! Hello from next door!.... Broken finger?" meaning, in a sarcastic manner that he had a problem replying to my earlier message.

It was about ten minutes later before he responded with "Hey. Just got your 2 messages then. How come you didn't come in to say hi? Whats wrong with your finger?"

He really is a just a simple guy. ;)

I replied "MY finger is fine."

So, he didn't acknowledge about my missing him, didn't say anything about when we'd be meeting up again, and then has the gall to ask why I didn't come in to his mates place. Its gall considering he'd told that same friend weeks ago we're not seeing each other more, because this friend makes him feel guilty.

Out with The Wife

More and more as I go through life, I believe in the adage of what you imagine you create.

At some point, it had to happen. We live in the same area. The Shopping Centre I mostly go to, and the gym, are both right near their house. And today, after coffee with my dad at the said Shopping Centre, I was on my way to the car park, when I saw her. B's wife. His WIFE. And their 2 kids.

Holy Mother of God. Please excuse the blasphemy.

So, I admit it, after I stopped wanting to vomit, and ceased my legs from feeling like jelly, I surreptitiously 'browsed' the shops while keeping an eye on them for a little bit. She seemed not necessarily bubbly or chirpy, but chatty. Talked to a few people. Being a mum myself, it looked like it was more of an expedition 'out' more than anything, like an excuse to get out of the house, rather than on an actual mission to get groceries for example. I think she did see me once or twice, but didn't really 'look', so I didn't trigger anything for her. Which is good I s'pose. I walked right beside them on my way to leave the Centre. I could've ruffled her boys hair as I went past...

And if those 2 boys aren't the cutest kids ever, I dont know - apart from mine - who's are.

Are you interested in knowing what I thought of her? By nature I'm not intentionally a me

an spirited person. She has a nice, but average face. Shes shorter than me, and carries more weight than me too. She's not huge, but then some people say Im too skinny, especially given my height of 167cm (and I'm under 55kg). She's dressed like a busy hardworking at-home mum. Nothing special. Just like I thought really.

On the way to my car, I saw theirs.

It crossed my mind whether to "do something". Like leave a note? But saying what? "Watch your husband?" Nah, makes it sound like someones planning on murdering him or something, and thats certainly not my intention. "Hello (insert her name)"? "I'm fucking your husband (insert name)."? What purpose would this all serve?

And if I go back to the thought "what you imagine you create,", I know I could split them up. I know, over time, I probably could have B for a period of time. But if that were to happen, I want it to because their relationship has naturally run its course, or because he wants to be with me, not because of something nasty Ive done to intercept or 'make it' happen. And since I know it wont happen of its own accord, then, thats that.

First Saturday Night...

with absolutely NO contact.

Apart from the times where Ive known in advance for whatever reason I would not be seeing him, last night was the first time that I can remember where I did not contact B 'just to see' if he'd be coming by or whatever, and where he also did not message or call me.

And Jesus, it was soooo difficult.

But, you know, I looked over my sms's to him, and almost every Saturday, I'm like some desperate school girl, asking in various ways if he'd be coming by, and most times he answered that he wouldn't be.

And realising that makes me so sad.

Pfft. Sure, part of me feels good that I was strong enough to hold back. And that I recognise this is actually an important step to letting go. But it's still sad, none-the-less.

Traffic

Took one of my daughters to a girlfriend's this morning, to do a paid 'baby-sitting' job. I'd turned around from the direction I was originally travelling due to unusual heavy traffic (for a Saturday), and went a different way...

Along the side of a main road I saw a bunch of work vans, and B has his marked a certain way, and I saw his was one of them. He was on the opposite side to me, and his work was what was causing the traffic buildup. I knew that he'd seen me...

I messaged "Ah! It's you bloody causing the traffic chaos! :)" and he simply replied with "yes".

So, its almost 8.30pm now. I don't know if I will see him or not. I had a possible catch up with a new guy tonight, but he's been called in to work.

I know one thing though... I will not message B first tonight, just 'to see'.

Unpredictable

I went to the gym as usual this morning, rushed home to get ready for a job interview, and on my way out, noticed that B had called. Well, pick me up off the floor!

I called him nearly 2 hours later, from a carpark, after my interview. And wouldn't you know it, he was working only a few streets away. He'd called to see how my trip went. He hadn't realised I went with my family; he thought I was going with a girlfriend. Had a great chat. He asked me if there'd been any 'romances' but I told him no, because all the good ones were all taken, and added that I wasn't quite sure what that meant I was saying about myself then... :) His workmate "R" had apparently seen me in the same street as the gym earlier in the week. He said he'd not been up to much the last few weeks - "same shit". I asked him where he was working the rest of the afternoon, and coincidentally it was the same suburb as my nan who I was on my way to visit.

After arriving at my nans (for lunch), I called B with a technical question, knowing he'd be able to answer it (just something my nan and I were discussing). He asked what street I was in and said he knew of it.

A few minutes after hanging up from him, he sent me a text saying he was 2 streets away, but had 10 guys with him otherwise we could've caught up. "Damn!" I replied. Mixed emotions from that one sentence; nice he was thinking of me and told me, yet on the other hand, telling me how close he was and not being able to do anything about it really was like rubbing salt in to the wound!

A little while later, as I was leaving my nans, I messaged him to say that if he was able to ditch the boys, I was leaving now... but he said 'no can do sorry."

:(

Motivational Post-its

Have you heard of the movie "How do you know", starring Reece Witherspoon? Her character uses motivational post-it notes on her mirror to keep her focused and strong in mind. Last night I made myself up some, and put them on my bedroom mirror. Among them, Ive written one, in big red letters, which reads

"I do not need B. Do not contact him. I deserve better. I do not need B".

And so far, its an effective mantra. As soon as I find myself thinking of him, I remember those words on my post-it.

In addition, I realised I needed to change the passcode on my iphone from his name to something else, which Ive now done. :)

Low

I'm in a low place right now. Ive recently returned from a great holiday with my family, which I feel blessed to of experienced. Part of our trip was on a cruise, and there is so much to do and participate in. But being single sure does suck sometimes. My kids and parents were mostly off doing their own thing, and often I felt bored and lonely. Out of the 2000 odd people aboard the ship, I noticed the same men over and over, but they were either too young or married (if not partnered). And I still thought about B all the time.

I messaged him last night just basically saying "hi" (as my own way of not only letting him know I was home, but to see see if he'd be coming by). He apparently didn't think I was home til today. It was obvious I wouldn't be seeing him.

Its Mothers Day today, and Ive watched a few movies (in among doing some laundry! Excitement plus!), and they've made me sadder, because they're all movies about relationships.

Added to that, I visited the Apple store this morning because of a problem with my iPhone, which they've replaced. I forwarded all my messages from B to email, which is lucky, because my backup and restore didn't work, and Ive lost all the originals from him. :(

Is that a sign? Should this be the big push I need to just forget things? Just start from scratch?

Why cant I be strong enough to just close this door and just move on?