He's not game

Mid week I sent B a text, asking when he'd be seeing me again.  It wasn't demanding; I kept it light.  He replied "Not sure. Why?" I knew I'd be staying in Saturday night, and thought it would be a perfect opportunity for him to stop by on the way home from work, which I let him know.  I said I 'get thirsty' and for us to not let it be months between drinks...  He replied saying he's not as game as he used to be.  This was a bit of confusing statement.  Not as game?  Why?  Has he almost been busted out with someone else? Has his wife been voicing suspicions?  Perhaps he's just maturing, and realising the potential consequences for his actions?  Or maybe that was just a polite way of saying he's not as 'keen' about me.  Whatever, I asked him why that was and he said he didn't know.   I didn't reply.  What could I say to that? Yeah, right.

So last night, Saturday, I decided I wasn't going to sit around wondering if he was coming by or not, so I asked him.  He said he wasn't because he had a big day on (today).  Id thought of all these things to reply, but I knew they were too full on.  I have to remember to keep my emotions in check, and accept this for what it is, so I simply replied "okay. When you're ready, you know where I am. x". And he replied 'thanks.' I kind of took that to mean, in actuality, that he was thanking me for not pressuring him or giving him a hard time about it.  I realise though I may not hear from him for months...

I like this quote:

This stop / start / stop / start is no good. But I cant imagine never seeing him again.

Reality

Yeh of course we all knew I would feel like I do now at some point...  Have had no contact from B.  Briefly sent him a link to a show I was going to Friday night.  He briefly replied.  His wife went out that night too, to one of my regular places I go to; luckily not that night though. I found that out of course, thanks to Facebook.

And also thanks to Facebook, shes posted a lovely picture of the two of them, taken at lunch today, while out shopping for renovation stuff.  Fab. Just fab.

I wish I could understand his reasons for doing this (with me), and my gravitation toward him.

Sad.

La Douleur Exquise

Found this phrase today.  It means "the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can never have."

If I were to get a tattoo, I would get this.  So apt.

6.5 hours

Unfortunately, although for the best, my relationship with my boyfriend in my last post, did not work out. Ironically, he felt I wasn't 'in to him' as much as I was in the beginning.  We had only been together around 4 months.  Although I didn't see the break-up coming, he was probably accurate in his assumptions of how I felt.  It's a long story, but sex was not the greatest and there were contributing factors, one of which probably was that I was not especially attracted to him.  This guy was a nice guy in how he treated me, but he definitely had other personal issues, and I thought about B a lot.  So, although I was quite hurt at the time, I have not lost much sleep since over it.

A few weeks ago I texted B asking to catch up and hear about his overseas trip (which I knew about because of Facebook).  A week later when there was still no reply, I messaged him saying "No reply... ouch!".  Short version is he claimed to not have received my message, and we texted a little, where I suggested we catch up for coffee or a drink.   He said  "I thought you were over it?" and I replied with "Its a catch up. I always have time for you".  He asked if I was seeing anyone, and I replied I wasn't.

Anyway, a few nights later, a Saturday night, I ascertained he was not working and was out somewhere local... thank you good ol' Facebook. ;)  I was home alone.  I messaged him and said that it would've been a perfect opportunity to catch up.  It was around 11.30 when I sent him that message, but he didn't reply...  until  a few days later, on the Tuesday.  He asked how and why I know this stuff (about him).  I replied that the pub had put pictures up of him on Facebook (which they had, but I actually didn't see those til the next morning, however I couldn't exactly admit to B that it was because of his wife's posts on Facebook that I was able to work out he'd had the night off work and had gone out!).  We messaged a little more, but nothing concrete.  That particular day, I'd had a busy one, running around picking things up and getting stuff for my house. In the afternoon, on the way home, I stopped at a hardware store, in the area of where B works actually, to grab a couple of things.  As I came out I saw a marked work van that could of been his, and it occurred to me that he could have changed his van and I would not know.  Weirdly, about 2 minutes later, as I sat at traffic lights waiting for them to go green, something made me look across the road at traffic stopped in the other direction on the other side.  There B was, waving at me.  I kinda waved back, but was dumb struck.  How bizarre.  The lights went green, and I shrugged at him and we had to go...I drove on home, and hoped to get a text from him, but it never came.

A few days later, Friday, just 2 nights ago, I drove through the bottle shop at our local to pick up some wine for some girlfriends who were coming over.  I didn't see B's car in the car park, and I had to drive past his street on the way home, and saw his car there.  About 45 minutes later, just when I was expecting my friends to arrive, he texted me.  "Hey. You at *our local**?"  I said I wasn't there, but had just driven through bottle-o a little earlier (coz I thought he may of seen me there or something).   "What's on?" he asked, and I said I was having friends over.  I asked how long he was at the local for, since I assumed he was there, but he said he was home alone.  OMG.  Home alone?  And I had my little kids at home,  and friends about to come over!  Arrghh!   Both of these friends know about B, and the stuff from the past, but I didn't want to tell one of them about the latest stuff because she had recently broken up with her long term partner, and I didn't want to upset her somehow.  She could tell I was a little distracted though, as I was messaging B a little, but she said she would have an early night, so I knew that I could ask my other friend if she would have my kids for the night.  My girlfriend left around 10.15, and I immediately told my other friend the latest with B.  She of course said it was no problem to have my kids for the night, and it was not so unusual as we regularly hang out together on a Friday night, and my kids have slept at her place before.  My kids jumped at the chance, I texted B.  He could not believe what I had arranged, and as he said I couldn't go to his place, and he couldn't drive, I offered to pick him up an hour later.

I raced around cleaning a few things up, but decided to leave that and shower and so on.  He has installed sensor lights and they lit up like a Christmas Tree as he came out to my car.  There was no kiss hello or any touch, and I asked if we were going back to my place, because otherwise Id need him to grab a jacket as it was freezing cold!

The extremely short version of my time with B at my house, is that we talked til about 4 in the morning.  He showed me pictures of his trip, and we drank and ate a little, and caught up over the last 6 or 7 months, and talked a little about our plans with our lives (not together of course) for the future.  We barely touched.  He hinted at things a few times, but I guess I was waiting for him to make the first move... what if he didn't find me attractive anymore, and I throw myself at him?  Could I of handled the rejection?  I have put on 3 or 4 kilos, and as usual when I'm around him, I feel so self aware, nervous yet so alive...

Our talk wound down, and we knew we were at 'that point'.  I stalled, and we delayed getting our things together to leave.  We were standing there just inches apart and I was pleading with my heart, begging for him to kiss me... and he stepped in, and did.  And we didn't leave each others arms for the next 2 amazing hours. I told him that no one kisses like he does; I simply melt.  He touched me literally in ways he has not done before.  He commented on how wet I was, and I told him he "still has it".  I asked him if he wanted me to wipe, and he said "no fucking way. I love it" and I was glad of that.  He delayed entering me, and I couldn't figure out why, until finally, when I was practically begging, he suggested I get a condom.  It hadn't even crossed my mind!  Oops.   He was amazing in everything he did.  It's hard to explain, but there were period of nice, intimate sex, and others of raw fucking.  And he gave me oral sex as well, and we kinda did a 69-er.  I loved it all.  He is not very vocal, unlike myself, so I had to ask, for example, if he liked what I was doing with his balls.  He said he loved it.  And then later told me how good I was (at oral sex), and how good our fucking felt.   However, like our other times, it took him quite a while for him to come.  He ending up pulling himself and coming in my mouth.

And then we realised it was almost 6am, and he started freaking out a bit.  He was worried the neighbours would see him come home.  I said with those Christmas Tree lights coming on, perhaps they would! :)  He hastily dressed and I put on a gown, and I drove him home.  I told him how good he was and how good the last few hours had been.  He agreed.  He kissed me good bye, and thanked me for a great night.  He said something else, but I not sure what...

About 10 minutes later it occurred to me that I hadn't told B some important information, so I texted him to let him know that even though I knew he'd used a condom for other reasons (pregnancy), that Id recently been tested and I was clear from HIV, Hepatitis B and so on (the last boyfriend had Hep B and we didn't use condoms - another long story!).  I also said how amazing his lips are and how fantastic he tasted.  I slept pretty badly for the next couple of hours.  My girlfriend dropped my kids back to me around 10am.  I was tired but actually felt pretty good, but we had a lazy day at home anyway, until their dad picked them up at 4 pm as normal.

Around 12.30 he texted me in reply and said "Wonderful and thank you".  I did actually think it was a bit of an abrupt or cold message and perhaps he thought so too, because about 1/2 hour later he sent another message saying he hoped I'd coped with my day okay, and that I am great.   I replied "Anytime.  Even just coffee".  I said I'm sure we can always find more to talk about, that I was just a little tired, but that he is so totally worth it.  A few hours later I sent another message saying that I knew it was a long shot but could he squeeze in coffee the next day (today)?  He replied he couldn't as he had to finish doing stuff he couldn't do yesteraday (due to sleeping and working I guess) before everyone came home. So I said "no worries :)".

I love the fact he seems still drawn to me too.  Perhaps it just that the sex is fan-bloody-tastic, and that I make myself available, but surely he feels a connection too?  I have absolutely no illusion that he will one day be with me.  I know he wont leave her, and in fact, he was talking about some renovations he has planned on their house.  I saw the movie "Up in the Air" again the other day, and there is a line in that where the woman says to George Clooney's character that he is her parenthesis.  It's like shes saying he fills in the missing parts of her life I guess, and that's how I see B.  Even though I would want to see if we had something worthwhile together, I know it wont happen, so I will continue to take what I can from him.  He makes my whole being sing, and as sad as I am about the whole thing, I also know without doubt that I love him and will to my dying day.  He will also be my gauge when with other men...

Still.

I am in a new relationship now, and have been for a few months, with a wonderful man. Finally I have someone who puts actually makes me a priority. He looks after me. My kids love him. His kids love me. Its all good. Everything is how it should be.

Still, it doesn't stop me wondering about B. I wonder how he's doing. If he and his wife have started for their 3rd child yet. I see her Facebook posts from time to time, and have a quick catch up there. But I haven't seen him around.

My daughter turned 18 recently. I took her to the local for her first 'legal' drink. Somehow I knew B would be there, and as my daughter and I walked across the car park, I saw his car. I poked my head around the corner where I knew he'd be, and sure enough, he was there with all his work mates. It was like they'd watched us walk across the car park or something, 'cause they all went quiet. It took me a few seconds to scan all the guys, but as I met his eyes, B gave me a smile and a nod. All I did was a bit of a smile then turned and walked in side with my daughter.

My daughter and I bought a drink (actually, one B got me on to early in our 'thing'), and we sat where I could see out to, and where if he got up he'd be able to see me. And at one point he did, but I put my head down. I couldn't think straight. I was shaking. I wasn't totally focused on my daughter either. We couldn't stay long; we had a very busy afternoon / evening planned, so we left after about 1/2 hour. I'm pretty sure he would've seen us leave across the car park.

It was around 1/2 hour after we left that I received a text from B, from his old number which I hadn't realised he'd kept. He said "How rude. was great to see you". I replied that it was my daughters 18th and that there were too many guys there for me to say hi. Its Sunday night now, and I haven't heard anything else from him.

And honestly, I woke around 2.30 early this morning, while in my boyfriends bed, wondering if B had sent me a text from work. But no. And every now and then I catch myself and say to myself that I know it (a relationship) would not work out with him, he's out with the 'boys' a fair bit, and cheated on his wife with at least me and one other woman.

But the feelings are still there, and he still has an effect on me. And if I'm really honest, I am a bit chuffed he went to the effort of texting me. I am glad I'm on his mind.

New number

Texted B on his new (not that new, he's had it a few months now; I told him I deleted all the numbers I had for him, which I had, but I did a bit of Googling and it wasn't that hard to rediscover it ;) ). All I said was that a catch up was overdue, and that I was in a certain part of town... but there was no reply.  I dont suppose he'd want to restart anything so silly.

Risky Business

To be completed...!

Drive By

Fathers Day today. My own dad was interstate. The guy I've been with since March was catching up with some friends and we were meeting up later, and I went shopping and stuff. As I was driving home, past B's street, he pulled out in his white American car. He saw me of course, but didn't acknowledge me. He drove the opposite direction.

Dinner Dance

To be completed...

Deleted Messages

Today, I finally bit the bullet and deleted all of B's messages from my iPhone 3 and iPhone 4. A matter of necessity, and because, well, what do I need to keep them for? My daughter "bought" my iPhone 3 off me, so I erased everything from that phone for her. And, while things are going pretty good with the guy I've been seeing a few months, I thought that it was time to remove the messages even though they occurred before I started this current relationship. Admittedly however, I have saved some messages to my hard drive... just in case. ;)

Show Time

To be completed....

Around

He is still there, even faintly, in the recesses of my mind. Last week, while driving past B's street, a car turned out from their street in front of me that I knew to be B's dads car. I noticed a little boy running to the corner of the street to wave - B's son - and I could see his wife just a couple of houses up, watching. And as I drove behind his dad's car, knowing that he lives 2 minutes from my house, watching his dad's cigarette smoke pour out the window (know I can see why B smokes like a chimney), I kept thinking how ironic things are. I could've sent B a message about it, or even a photo. Haha. And I also kept thinking how I could follow them (his mum was in the car too) home, and tell them a thing or two. But of course I didn't. I did dream about him last night. It was like I was on display. He was sitting in the crowd, or the audience, with his family, while I was out the front, with other people, with my back toward the crowd, looking at some view or scenery, and yet the whole time I knew and was aware he was watching me. Odd. That's about it really. My new B and I are doing pretty good. There were a few miscommunication incidents over the last week, but we're okay. :)

Happy :)

But not for the reasons you'd first think.

At the beginning of March I met a guy. It got off to a bit of a slow start, from my part, because I was a little unsure (for reasons I'll disclose in a sec), but we've been together ever since. He is the most normal, down to earth uncomplicated guy I think Ive ever known. That's not to say he doesn't have "stuff" that has happened, or that has affected him, but he is so easy to be with. The night we met, I was straight up and told him how old I am, and that I have kids, and he was fine with both. He is about to turn 35, and has no children. He said "if you already think our relationship wont work because of that, then it probably wont. Right now, I'm happy not to have kids. I don't know if I want them or not. We could just enjoy the relationship and see what happens". I liked his way of thinking. Or maybe it was how he approached it. Anyway, whatever. Its all working, and we're officially a couple. He treats me so lovely.

I have seen B twice more since my last post. I don't tend to drive his way much - on purpose probably, but also because my daily life is a lot different. I havent been to the gym in at least 2 months, and my grocery and other shopping I tend to do elsewhere. One time though, it was around 10am, and I drove up his street on the way to somewhere, and he must of either had a late start for work, or come back home for something, because I was behind his work van as it went up the street. He went left, and I went right. He probably saw me.

And just last week, I saw him in that Impala I wrote about last time, and he was right near my house. I know he saw me that time.

I will always remember him and the good times we had, and how I felt. But I am glad I'm not holding on to that any longer. My new man is also a B, and I would like to think that I would be over the original B, even if I didn't have the new B. Part of me is a little angry still that he did that to me, to his wife, for 2 years, but mostly now all I can do is shrug and know that he's the one that has to deal with it.

My new B is amazing. And its the first real relationship I have had in 3 years.

Sigh.

:)

x

Oops.

I did something stupid during the week.

Care to hazard a guess?

It was Tuesday. I was on the way to meet my Nan at the club, and was feeling nostalgic. So I texted B. I said that "not a day went by where I didn't think of" him. "Just sayin'."

Its Sunday now, and I didn't hear from him. I didn't really think I would, but at least I got it out of me. Actually though, there was part of me which wondered if he would message me last night, while he was working. Just some kind of acknowledgement, but I suppose I'm pleased for his sake that he didn't.

I'm positive I saw him this afternoon however, in his car he had imported months ago. I'd had a drink at my local, and was on my way home. He was coming around the round-a-bout (near his home), and I was leaving it. Its a big white chunky cool car, so its a bit hard to not notice, and on my double-take, I saw it was left side drive, and the person had a cap on. That is so him.

So... yeh.

Thats all.

Melancholy

Feeling a tad sad tonight. For a number of reasons. Tired as, for starters. Has been a hectic few days with my kids, my study, and work. Also I started on a new contraceptive pill a couple of months ago, and last month my period came a week early, and I had them, albeit lightly, for almost 2 weeks. This month Ive had some spotting, also a week early, and I think my hormones are a bit all over the place from that.

I am meant to meet up with a guy I 'met' online, who lives interstate. He happens to be down this weekend for a family event. We spoke last week, and seemed to click. Wednesday we texted and I asked if it was okay to call Thursday night or Friday, and of course he said 'of course'. I called just after lunch, but it went to voicemail. So I sent a message saying Id call tonight. I called at 9pm, but it went to voicemail again. It's not that Im wondering where he is or am having insecurities thinking he's changed his mind about meeting me etc. I guess he must be at work - he is a cop. I know Ill hear from him tomorrow.

I think just the timing isnt good that he wasnt able to talk, because Im also feeling a bit down after seeing my muso friend and the pics he has up on his wall (social network site). One woman, who is married, and had earlier said she wouldnt be at the show tonight because her hubby is working, turned up anyway, and got her photo with him. Imeediately I started thinking about one of the songs he's written, about wanting to be with someone, who is married, but how he doesnt care, he just wants to be there with her. So Ivé banned myself from checking his stuff. lol. And from sending little chat messages while we play Words With Friends. :P

Added to that, a show called Mobbed was on tele. This girl went to see some band, and didnt get to meet the guy (from the band) like she wanted, but somehow or other she was able to get in contact with him, and for 5 years they had an online relationship. They call each other their best friend. Then, he staged a get together, a 'mob', with dance and music performances, as his way of then saying he wanted to take their relationship to the nexl level, and pursue their relationship to see if they could build on it. And then they kissed, and the celebrations continued. Nawww.

I read somewhere today - although I cant remember if it was in relation to affairs, or toxic relationships or what - something about questioning whether - when a relationship ends - you miss the person, or how you felt when you were with them. With B, I can definately say both. He definately had his good qualities, and I felt very relaxed, yet very aware of myself and him, but I also did like how I felt with him. But obviously it wasnt a complete, whole relationship, and there was always something missing. But I would've loved to build on it, in a heart beat.

I saw her

today. The wife.

I was coming up through our shopping centre's carpark and I saw their car. As I was travelling up the travelator, lo and behold, she was coming down, with their eldest boy. We looked at each other, I glanced away, and looked back, and she did the same thing. Just your usual 'look at people without really looking at them' thing. I tried to keep my face relaxed and blank, but I looked at hers for some facial change, a signal, of recognition, of... I dont know, just something to make me acknowledge her, or follow her back down and say her name. And tell her.

I did indeed go back down and in to the car park. And I weaved my way through some cars and came out a little past her car, because my car was parked past hers. By this time she had finished putting the things in the boot and her son buckled in, and as I walked, I purposely glanced over to her, and she looked at me over the top of the car as she got in. But that was it.

I drove to the exit, and couldve ended up behind her car to put the ticket through the boom gate, but I let another car go in front of me.

Theres that perpetual debate inside me. If it were me, I would want to know. That doesnt mean she would want to know. And what are my reasons for telling her? Honestly, its not to bust them up, or break down their family, or because I hope he'll turn to me. In fact, no matter how anonymously I could do it, he would know in someway it was me, and Id of broken the promise to him that I would never tell her. Quite ironic really; Im sure when they were married they spoke the usual vows of truth and fidelity. And yes I dont want him hating me, but rather be a pleasant memory. And whats the worst thing that could happen if she never finds out? He is the one who has to live with it the remainder of his life. He could do it again with someone else (to her), because I was not his first time, but she could in fact benefit from him forever trying to make amends, by continuing to be the hard working attentitive husband and father.

I just dont know.

Smaller

and smaller, this world is becoming.

I work with a girl, who I discovered works with B, and has been working at the same place for 10 years! Of course she knows B - I casually dropped a few names - but omg!

I sent B a message on the 20th December last year saying I work with her, but that officially was our last message as there was no reply.

Still shaking my head at the craziness of things.

HVD

Valentines Day. Hmmph.

I've got a couple of things going on in the 'man' department at the moment. Nothing big, but at least its not non-extistant. My muso friend MC, who I am still in contact with almost daily on a mostly extremely and safe (for him) platonic level, did not of course hint about today being valentines day. After last years fiasco, where I was totally moritified after sending him a message for Valentines, and his reply of "what is hvd?" whereby he then proceeded to tell me he thought he should let me know he'd started seeing an ex again, I did not refer to today at all! Lesson learned! :P

I'm sure I sent B a message last year, also simply saying 'hvd'. But I dont want to look back through my messages with him. Its too painful, and yet I simply can not bear the thought of deleting them, or his number, from my phone.

I saw B today. But it was deliberate, on my part. Yeh, suprise! ;)

I drove down a particular road that I knew he'd come up near his home, at the end of his working day. I happened to of just finished shopping. He drove past me, and I cant be sure - the windows were glary - but I think he looked a bit longer at my car. Remember I changed the number plates? so he may not realise it was me.

Anyway, so I saw him - or rather a hint of his work shirt through his van, and drove home.

Theres nothing mucg else to report for this valentines day. Dont mean to sound cynical, but its been thiis way whether I've been partnered or not. Ha!

Stop me!

Saw photos today of the wife, online. At a wedding they were at yesterday. She looked gorgeous. Beautiful, radiant.

I so wanna tell her that her husband fucks around.

But what good would it do me.

Friday night

No huge developments. Still haven't seen B irl (in real life) for a while (can I really count Christmas Day, given that it was for 10 seconds, we were both in our cars passing each other?).

Our mutual friend that I'm friends with online, recently took a bunch of his employees etc out for lunch. Some photos were posted on his wall. B was in a few of them. And looking damn fine I have to say. No wife in sight (but his wedding ring was. I'm just think its interesting that he spends as much time as possible without her).

Have been going to our local pub regularly, especially on a Sunday arvo. I have a drink or 2 with a friend from the gym and his new wife, and sometimes one or two other people. But I haven't seen B.

I was at the same pub tonight, having dinner with girlfriends. He used to go to this place on a Friday night, and sometimes not get home til late. Other times, he'd be home in time for dinner (around 6pm). We arrived 6.30pm. Sat outside where he would be, but no B.

Have had almost daily contact with my muso friend. In fact we hooked up again a week later after the last time I posted about him. We are clear its just a friends with benefits thing. Ugh! Sounds kinda tacky. He stayed a few hours, I didnt drink myself stupid, and it was a nice night. He has had lots of neck problems and could'nt come over last Friday because was in too much pain after some "cupping". He didn't come over tonight after-all either... not sure why, but we still messaged and played "words with friends" until his usual "good night" message around 11.15. Very disappointing as he knows I'm kid-free til Sunday night, and he said he's got plans the rest of the weekend. Sigh.

My muso friend - we'll call him MC - suggested I put my phone in flight mode so that I dont get woken by texts and alerts and things while I sleep. Probably a good idea. In fact I did it last night. But you know what I keep thinking? What if, out of the blue, B decided to message me? How crazy.

Wednesday night, around 8.15, my phone rang, showing a blocked number. I said hello, but no one spoke, but I could hear some kind of noise at the other end. 15 minutes later it rang again, and same thing. I said "speak now or forever hold your peace". Guess whoever it was decided to hold their peace. But of course I wondered if it was B.

I've got so much time to myself right now. I'm lonely. And bored. Study recommences in a few weeks, and I know Ill get busy again with that, the kids school stuff, work and so on. But this alone crap is... well, crap sometimes.