12 days

Sigh.

I don't know how I'm gonna get through another 12 days without seeing B. I mean, I know I will, but omg, this is so hard.

I'm still trawling the online dating sites, and I'm in contact with a few. I spoke to one on the phone last night. I still thought of B the whole time.

Sigh.

Apology

I received an unexpected text from B tonight; he apologised for being a "joke" last night. I replied that he was just drunk, not a joke, and that Id wrap him in my arms anytime (and to have a good night).

Nice of him to do that.

A drink!

I sent B a short message today simply asking how he was. We texted back and forth a little. I knew that being a Friday I would "be fresh" in his mind so to speak, for the weekend. I actually wondered if he would go to the local pub, as he often does, and call me to come up for a little bit...

Id been asleep for more than an hour when my mobile rang just before midnight, displaying a blocked number. Took a minute or two of conversation to realise who it was, and then only because B said it was him! He told me he was out at another local tavern, and hinted about me coming up. I decided to join him because he cant make it here tonight due to a bucks party, and the following week will be the wedding!

He was there with his work mate that lives next to my friend. I could tell they were both a bit too full... B bought me (and himself) another drink and the other guy went home, although I would've quite happily dropped him home... B said he didnt want me to take him (B) home because he didnt want me to think he'd only called me up to get a lift.

We caught up a little bit on stuff; I could've said a lot more but didn't think there was much point because he had drunk too much. We were talking about how frequently I go to the gym, and remembering that Sunday a few weeks back when I drove past and he was out front with his Sunday. He apparently had done a bit of a wave and remembered he shouldn't be! He said "you're not a stalker or anything are you?" and I asked "Why? Because I drive past your house?" and after he nodded I said, "well if I was, don't you think I would've done something more obvious by now?" He replied "Yeah I suppose so". So I said "Look, if I was going to purposely cause trouble, there has been opportunity for me to do so. But that doesn't benefit anyone" and I told him how I saw his wife "working" the other week!

He makes me very aware of myself. I don't know how I can feel so sexy, even when he's so drunk!

We were talking about the t-shirt I was wearing; its a new one from Guess. A tad 'blingy' compared to what I normally wear, but B said it was hot. Ï took my little jacket off so he could see the back (and because I was working my moves subtlety) and he said again "Its hot. You're just so fucking hot".

If thinks I'm a "legend". He seems to admire how much of a "mum" I can be, yet still do my own thing. He likes that I try to create that balance. He finds his two boys difficult and says he cant 'manage it" at all. I said they're still young, and so close in age, but then that's all I said; I figured he's not after advice from me...

He was rather 'seedy' on the way home and I wondered if he was going to throw up! One of my fav songs, Lady Antebullum's "Need You Now" came on. I told him I loved it, but couldn't say I think of him whenever it plays...

He stayed in my car a few minutes and made to get out, then closed the door again, and kissed me. We kissed a little, and cuddled. He again told me how he loves cuddling. He made to get out a couple of times, and then would swing his legs back in the car and shut the door and kiss me!

He 'booked' in 3 weeks from now with me, but I've been invited out that night with a bunch of girls, and I also don't know if B will remember "booking" that night with me... what to do? Both!

B apologised a number of times. I dont know what he was apologising for. He kept saying he "was a joke". I'm convinced now more than ever that he drinks to drown his sorrows in a way. He definitely seems to be the type to avoid home, rather than dealing with whatever at home.

As we cuddled - he was in my arms - he said "this is nice" and I asked him if he "spooned". He said "Of course!" Ah how I miss spooning. He went to sleep, and I let him stay that way for about 15 minutes. I woke him, and said he should go. It was almost 2am.

Shit. I had really hoped my feelings had died a little at least. But, nope.

Away

I went to wine country over the weekend with some girlfriends, and while I had a fabulous time, the other half of me was always thinking how nice it would be to experience it all with a partner, and wondering if I would hear from B.

Saturday night, we all had an early night, although I was the last to go to bed, just after 10pm. For various reasons I couldn't sleep, so I got up and got myself cosy on the lounge in front of the fireplace.

Since there were really only two possible scenarios regarding B, it was all I could think about. One was that in true Murphy's Law style, I would hear from B, and he would want to see me that night. If that was the case, there obviously wasn't anything I could do, but it would be nice to know... The other half of me decided that if I didn't hear from him, or if he gave me an excuse again, that I would be done and dusted with him.

Id settled on my decisions, and was in the early stage of sleep, when just before midnight I received my awaited text from him asking if I was busy. God dammit. I told him I needed him, but that I was away and where. He replied, saying have fun etc, and "til next time". Double God dammit. So of course then I couldn't sleep. It was 1am before I did.

Bring on this Saturday! I need me some lovin' from B. My breath still catches and my tummy goes funny whenever I think about him touching me or sex together...

Tuesday 7th

Id sent a message on B's day off reminding him to stop by if he was around and that I would be in the suburb he generally works in the next day. So, the next day, Tuesday, I let him know I was around if he was able to catch up. He replied 45 minutes later saying there was no chance of catching up because he was on a massive job. Sigh. So then I let him know I would be around his way again that night on my way to the gym, and that Id be going with A. Thought that would provoke some kind of response but nope.

7 weeks

Of course there was no contact at all during the week, and I had my reply ready in advance to his message of "sorry cant make it tonight" that I knew would come.

And it did.

At least it was early; 5.45pm.

But, he threw a spanner in the works; he said he wasn't working tonight (he "normally" comes to me after work on a Saturday night).

There are ways for me to check if the show was on, which I did, and it would appear that he was truthful.

Shit.

Problem is, apart from the obvious ones, is that next weekend I'm away for a girlfriends 40th. And the following weekend Ill probably have my period. And IF I see him that night it will be 9 weeks.

OMG.

So I texted back saying that I HAD to see him for a few minutes during the week. And to have a nice day tomorrow (its Fathers Day).

There is nothing else on my horizon. Or rather, no one else May as well keep on keeping on.

Makes No Sense

I really can not figure out what my... obsession with B is. Or my infatuation? My longing? Ah! I dont know! Whatever it is, it's crazy!

He is not the best looking guy around; there IS something about him, but he's average looking. Not the most muscular, or most cut. Not the best conversationalist. And certainly not the biggest dick.

He drinks too much, and he smokes (have NEVER gone out with a smoker), he's hardly ever home, he gets defensive easily, and he cheats on his wife.

So what the fuck am I thinking, (putting aside that he can turn me on with just a look, his eyes make me melt, his kisses are probably the best ever, he is a hard worker and good provider (for his fam obviously, not me), is interesting and talented and makes me feel so passionate)?

Tough Tuesday

Yesterday was really tough; I spent the day at the club with my nan, where I go once a month with her, and the compere is someone B works for. Sitting there, watching the day's entertainment, and everything reminded me of B.

It was there in that room that I first remember laying eyes on him, only 9 months earlier. Watching the band play, and the guitar reminded me of him. I scratched the back of my head and as my hand smoothed down my hair, I remember his touch and how he started stroking my hair when we were in the car on our first night together. Words in the songs brought tears to my eyes. A few times I had to stop the tears from falling...

So many things.

I didn't drive past his house at all, except for on the way to the gym last night; I made to turn in to his street but could see the carport light was on, so turned out of the street and went a different way. I only drove past after the gym.

I saw his work mate's house mate A at the gym last night. We don't talk a lot, but she told me how B's wife was getting a bit annoyed he wasn't home earlier on Friday night when she had dinner ready...

Ive already got the message in my phone ready to reply on Saturday when he gives me the excuse how he cant come 'round. It says something like "It's okay B, I reckon I get the picture by now. I'll never forget you. x".

Anyway, if I fill my days I will somehow get through.