He's not game

Mid week I sent B a text, asking when he'd be seeing me again.  It wasn't demanding; I kept it light.  He replied "Not sure. Why?" I knew I'd be staying in Saturday night, and thought it would be a perfect opportunity for him to stop by on the way home from work, which I let him know.  I said I 'get thirsty' and for us to not let it be months between drinks...  He replied saying he's not as game as he used to be.  This was a bit of confusing statement.  Not as game?  Why?  Has he almost been busted out with someone else? Has his wife been voicing suspicions?  Perhaps he's just maturing, and realising the potential consequences for his actions?  Or maybe that was just a polite way of saying he's not as 'keen' about me.  Whatever, I asked him why that was and he said he didn't know.   I didn't reply.  What could I say to that? Yeah, right.

So last night, Saturday, I decided I wasn't going to sit around wondering if he was coming by or not, so I asked him.  He said he wasn't because he had a big day on (today).  Id thought of all these things to reply, but I knew they were too full on.  I have to remember to keep my emotions in check, and accept this for what it is, so I simply replied "okay. When you're ready, you know where I am. x". And he replied 'thanks.' I kind of took that to mean, in actuality, that he was thanking me for not pressuring him or giving him a hard time about it.  I realise though I may not hear from him for months...

I like this quote:

This stop / start / stop / start is no good. But I cant imagine never seeing him again.

Reality

Yeh of course we all knew I would feel like I do now at some point...  Have had no contact from B.  Briefly sent him a link to a show I was going to Friday night.  He briefly replied.  His wife went out that night too, to one of my regular places I go to; luckily not that night though. I found that out of course, thanks to Facebook.

And also thanks to Facebook, shes posted a lovely picture of the two of them, taken at lunch today, while out shopping for renovation stuff.  Fab. Just fab.

I wish I could understand his reasons for doing this (with me), and my gravitation toward him.

Sad.

La Douleur Exquise

Found this phrase today.  It means "the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can never have."

If I were to get a tattoo, I would get this.  So apt.

6.5 hours

Unfortunately, although for the best, my relationship with my boyfriend in my last post, did not work out. Ironically, he felt I wasn't 'in to him' as much as I was in the beginning.  We had only been together around 4 months.  Although I didn't see the break-up coming, he was probably accurate in his assumptions of how I felt.  It's a long story, but sex was not the greatest and there were contributing factors, one of which probably was that I was not especially attracted to him.  This guy was a nice guy in how he treated me, but he definitely had other personal issues, and I thought about B a lot.  So, although I was quite hurt at the time, I have not lost much sleep since over it.

A few weeks ago I texted B asking to catch up and hear about his overseas trip (which I knew about because of Facebook).  A week later when there was still no reply, I messaged him saying "No reply... ouch!".  Short version is he claimed to not have received my message, and we texted a little, where I suggested we catch up for coffee or a drink.   He said  "I thought you were over it?" and I replied with "Its a catch up. I always have time for you".  He asked if I was seeing anyone, and I replied I wasn't.

Anyway, a few nights later, a Saturday night, I ascertained he was not working and was out somewhere local... thank you good ol' Facebook. ;)  I was home alone.  I messaged him and said that it would've been a perfect opportunity to catch up.  It was around 11.30 when I sent him that message, but he didn't reply...  until  a few days later, on the Tuesday.  He asked how and why I know this stuff (about him).  I replied that the pub had put pictures up of him on Facebook (which they had, but I actually didn't see those til the next morning, however I couldn't exactly admit to B that it was because of his wife's posts on Facebook that I was able to work out he'd had the night off work and had gone out!).  We messaged a little more, but nothing concrete.  That particular day, I'd had a busy one, running around picking things up and getting stuff for my house. In the afternoon, on the way home, I stopped at a hardware store, in the area of where B works actually, to grab a couple of things.  As I came out I saw a marked work van that could of been his, and it occurred to me that he could have changed his van and I would not know.  Weirdly, about 2 minutes later, as I sat at traffic lights waiting for them to go green, something made me look across the road at traffic stopped in the other direction on the other side.  There B was, waving at me.  I kinda waved back, but was dumb struck.  How bizarre.  The lights went green, and I shrugged at him and we had to go...I drove on home, and hoped to get a text from him, but it never came.

A few days later, Friday, just 2 nights ago, I drove through the bottle shop at our local to pick up some wine for some girlfriends who were coming over.  I didn't see B's car in the car park, and I had to drive past his street on the way home, and saw his car there.  About 45 minutes later, just when I was expecting my friends to arrive, he texted me.  "Hey. You at *our local**?"  I said I wasn't there, but had just driven through bottle-o a little earlier (coz I thought he may of seen me there or something).   "What's on?" he asked, and I said I was having friends over.  I asked how long he was at the local for, since I assumed he was there, but he said he was home alone.  OMG.  Home alone?  And I had my little kids at home,  and friends about to come over!  Arrghh!   Both of these friends know about B, and the stuff from the past, but I didn't want to tell one of them about the latest stuff because she had recently broken up with her long term partner, and I didn't want to upset her somehow.  She could tell I was a little distracted though, as I was messaging B a little, but she said she would have an early night, so I knew that I could ask my other friend if she would have my kids for the night.  My girlfriend left around 10.15, and I immediately told my other friend the latest with B.  She of course said it was no problem to have my kids for the night, and it was not so unusual as we regularly hang out together on a Friday night, and my kids have slept at her place before.  My kids jumped at the chance, I texted B.  He could not believe what I had arranged, and as he said I couldn't go to his place, and he couldn't drive, I offered to pick him up an hour later.

I raced around cleaning a few things up, but decided to leave that and shower and so on.  He has installed sensor lights and they lit up like a Christmas Tree as he came out to my car.  There was no kiss hello or any touch, and I asked if we were going back to my place, because otherwise Id need him to grab a jacket as it was freezing cold!

The extremely short version of my time with B at my house, is that we talked til about 4 in the morning.  He showed me pictures of his trip, and we drank and ate a little, and caught up over the last 6 or 7 months, and talked a little about our plans with our lives (not together of course) for the future.  We barely touched.  He hinted at things a few times, but I guess I was waiting for him to make the first move... what if he didn't find me attractive anymore, and I throw myself at him?  Could I of handled the rejection?  I have put on 3 or 4 kilos, and as usual when I'm around him, I feel so self aware, nervous yet so alive...

Our talk wound down, and we knew we were at 'that point'.  I stalled, and we delayed getting our things together to leave.  We were standing there just inches apart and I was pleading with my heart, begging for him to kiss me... and he stepped in, and did.  And we didn't leave each others arms for the next 2 amazing hours. I told him that no one kisses like he does; I simply melt.  He touched me literally in ways he has not done before.  He commented on how wet I was, and I told him he "still has it".  I asked him if he wanted me to wipe, and he said "no fucking way. I love it" and I was glad of that.  He delayed entering me, and I couldn't figure out why, until finally, when I was practically begging, he suggested I get a condom.  It hadn't even crossed my mind!  Oops.   He was amazing in everything he did.  It's hard to explain, but there were period of nice, intimate sex, and others of raw fucking.  And he gave me oral sex as well, and we kinda did a 69-er.  I loved it all.  He is not very vocal, unlike myself, so I had to ask, for example, if he liked what I was doing with his balls.  He said he loved it.  And then later told me how good I was (at oral sex), and how good our fucking felt.   However, like our other times, it took him quite a while for him to come.  He ending up pulling himself and coming in my mouth.

And then we realised it was almost 6am, and he started freaking out a bit.  He was worried the neighbours would see him come home.  I said with those Christmas Tree lights coming on, perhaps they would! :)  He hastily dressed and I put on a gown, and I drove him home.  I told him how good he was and how good the last few hours had been.  He agreed.  He kissed me good bye, and thanked me for a great night.  He said something else, but I not sure what...

About 10 minutes later it occurred to me that I hadn't told B some important information, so I texted him to let him know that even though I knew he'd used a condom for other reasons (pregnancy), that Id recently been tested and I was clear from HIV, Hepatitis B and so on (the last boyfriend had Hep B and we didn't use condoms - another long story!).  I also said how amazing his lips are and how fantastic he tasted.  I slept pretty badly for the next couple of hours.  My girlfriend dropped my kids back to me around 10am.  I was tired but actually felt pretty good, but we had a lazy day at home anyway, until their dad picked them up at 4 pm as normal.

Around 12.30 he texted me in reply and said "Wonderful and thank you".  I did actually think it was a bit of an abrupt or cold message and perhaps he thought so too, because about 1/2 hour later he sent another message saying he hoped I'd coped with my day okay, and that I am great.   I replied "Anytime.  Even just coffee".  I said I'm sure we can always find more to talk about, that I was just a little tired, but that he is so totally worth it.  A few hours later I sent another message saying that I knew it was a long shot but could he squeeze in coffee the next day (today)?  He replied he couldn't as he had to finish doing stuff he couldn't do yesteraday (due to sleeping and working I guess) before everyone came home. So I said "no worries :)".

I love the fact he seems still drawn to me too.  Perhaps it just that the sex is fan-bloody-tastic, and that I make myself available, but surely he feels a connection too?  I have absolutely no illusion that he will one day be with me.  I know he wont leave her, and in fact, he was talking about some renovations he has planned on their house.  I saw the movie "Up in the Air" again the other day, and there is a line in that where the woman says to George Clooney's character that he is her parenthesis.  It's like shes saying he fills in the missing parts of her life I guess, and that's how I see B.  Even though I would want to see if we had something worthwhile together, I know it wont happen, so I will continue to take what I can from him.  He makes my whole being sing, and as sad as I am about the whole thing, I also know without doubt that I love him and will to my dying day.  He will also be my gauge when with other men...

Still.

I am in a new relationship now, and have been for a few months, with a wonderful man. Finally I have someone who puts actually makes me a priority. He looks after me. My kids love him. His kids love me. Its all good. Everything is how it should be.

Still, it doesn't stop me wondering about B. I wonder how he's doing. If he and his wife have started for their 3rd child yet. I see her Facebook posts from time to time, and have a quick catch up there. But I haven't seen him around.

My daughter turned 18 recently. I took her to the local for her first 'legal' drink. Somehow I knew B would be there, and as my daughter and I walked across the car park, I saw his car. I poked my head around the corner where I knew he'd be, and sure enough, he was there with all his work mates. It was like they'd watched us walk across the car park or something, 'cause they all went quiet. It took me a few seconds to scan all the guys, but as I met his eyes, B gave me a smile and a nod. All I did was a bit of a smile then turned and walked in side with my daughter.

My daughter and I bought a drink (actually, one B got me on to early in our 'thing'), and we sat where I could see out to, and where if he got up he'd be able to see me. And at one point he did, but I put my head down. I couldn't think straight. I was shaking. I wasn't totally focused on my daughter either. We couldn't stay long; we had a very busy afternoon / evening planned, so we left after about 1/2 hour. I'm pretty sure he would've seen us leave across the car park.

It was around 1/2 hour after we left that I received a text from B, from his old number which I hadn't realised he'd kept. He said "How rude. was great to see you". I replied that it was my daughters 18th and that there were too many guys there for me to say hi. Its Sunday night now, and I haven't heard anything else from him.

And honestly, I woke around 2.30 early this morning, while in my boyfriends bed, wondering if B had sent me a text from work. But no. And every now and then I catch myself and say to myself that I know it (a relationship) would not work out with him, he's out with the 'boys' a fair bit, and cheated on his wife with at least me and one other woman.

But the feelings are still there, and he still has an effect on me. And if I'm really honest, I am a bit chuffed he went to the effort of texting me. I am glad I'm on his mind.

New number

Texted B on his new (not that new, he's had it a few months now; I told him I deleted all the numbers I had for him, which I had, but I did a bit of Googling and it wasn't that hard to rediscover it ;) ). All I said was that a catch up was overdue, and that I was in a certain part of town... but there was no reply.  I dont suppose he'd want to restart anything so silly.

Risky Business

To be completed...!