Made it!

Through another day!

Okay, so it's only Tuesday! But still, I have been very conscious of my decisions and actions. For example, not driving past his house or street, when normally I would of, such as after having taken my daughter to work. Lots of self-talk reminding myself that I don't need him, and that someone worthwhile, and possessing all the things I'm looking for in a partner is just around the corner.

I still constantly think of him, but, for today at least, Ive controlled the itch to text, or to ponder the future with him.

And, because my mind is focusing in the right places, I got a lot of housework done, including all the ironing (bleh!), I got a call regarding a job in the industry I'm changing in to, went for the interview and subsequently was offered the position and have training tomorrow, and I got calls and messages from the two other men in my life Ive mentioned previously.

Now, to keep focussed...

Melancoly

Feeling a little down. Really sad about the fact that I just can not stop thinking about B. Why is my common sense not over powering my... addiction to him? Why cant I just stop? Stop anything to do with him...?

Oops!

It's official. I am acting like a juvenile.

I knew it highly unlikely I would see B last night, but even after reminding myself of what had happened this time last year (ie: 'ending things' and not seeing each other for a while) I still wondered if he'd try to visit...

I sent a message around 8pm saying hi, hoping he had a good time at the industry ceremony the other night, and that i knew i wouldn't see him for a few weeks, but that I couldn't wait to see him again and that I'm always thinking of him...

A few hours later he said "thanks", said the ceremony was okay, and asked how i knew all this "shit"?

1. I'm a woman

2. I care for him and am interested.

3. Its all on the Internet.

4. Its not rocket science. I can put two and two together.

5. I'm a woman. :)

But all I replied was that one of my entertainer "friends" had put something on the social network site.

"Ah," he replied, "that site strikes again."

I didn't reply. And now I will not contact him again until he messages me. I was going to say "try" {not to contact}, but there is a quote from Yoda that I love and must adhere to that reads

"Do. Or do not. There is no try".

He knows I want to see him. So now, I wait. And move forward with life.

I went to bed just before 12am, but woke around 5am suddenly, wondering if he'd messaged me since, and Id missed it. Of course he hadnt...

Life: bring it!

A Year Ago

...I "broke" up with B.

Its all so weird because so much has happened in my life during that time. In all aspects of course, not just with B.

Regarding B, I understand so much more, yet am so much more confused.

A year ago, the prompter for me ending it was because he'd said he wouldn't see me for a month. The place he works at on a Saturday night had no shows for this time. I didnt know that at that time though. Now I do. It will be the same situation this year too. In subsequent discussions following that night, he'd meant he just wouldnt see me on a Saturday night.

Not seeing B for that length of time now has become a regular thing. He certainly has changed his habits from last year; ie not going out as much etc.

I feel sick after reading over my posts from this time last year. I remember everything so clearly.

How can my knight in shining armour come riding by, if Im still thinking of and needing this other man, B?

Blocked Calls

I had a call on my mobile just after 7pm, from a 'blocked' call. Immediately I assume it could be B. It probably wasn't, but I still imagine scenarios. Such as, he's at the local pub for a quick drink, and thought I may have time to come up. Which is also why he didn't leave a message; no point leaving one if I dont get it til say an hour later.

Overactive imagination, clearly. Its more than 2 hours later, and of course the mysterious caller has not called back. :P

Power of the Mind?

The older I get, and the more certain things happen, the more I believe in the power of the mind. Ive talked before about knowing that I could affect B's relationship with his wife, and somehow I could cause things to happen. Its like the motivational post-its notes I also wrote about a few weeks back. Simply writing inspiring messages doesn't do much, but reading them over and over, and working toward your goal, will have a more positive outcome than simply sitting back waiting for things to happen. Actually, that sounds a bit freaky... I dont mean it in a negative, compulsive, stalker-ish way...

But I also believe in things happening for a reason. Sometimes they don't make sense, or it seems unfair, but there is definitely a reason.

I was pondering this kind of thing this afternoon, as I drove home. Id just taken my older kids to their dads - a good 40 minute drive from home, and my younger kids were in the car. The music was on a usual, the 'finished work' traffic was building, and as usual, I was thinking of B, and the other men in my life. I thought again about perhaps living my life to the fullest as I'm trying to do now, but not look so hard for a partner, and be content with B and how things are, or putting the energy out there solely on B.

And then I missed the turn off the Freeway. The next turn took me a little out of the way, but I had to go through B's area home. Past his street, out of his area, coming in to mine, and I saw his family car at a distance coming the opposite direction. As we got closer I could see the number plate, but if was definitely him. The windows are tinted, and it was a little hard to see, but I made out he was driving, and I'm sure the wife was in the passenger seat. He would've seen me; he's observant like that.

It was only a small thing, but Id only thought, or rather focused on B and his family for about 20 minutes, and there he was. Ive never seen him out and about with the fam before.

Look, honestly, I don't what all that means, or what the purpose is. I still juggle things in my mind all the time. Anyway...

Reminders

Well, its only been 3 or so days since Ive seen him... and so far, I'm doing okay. I usually start getting a bit antsy toward the end of the week. I know realistically though I wont see him again for weeks. Possibly another 7, if the last few months are anything to go by! I will try my damnest to not contact him for any reason. Not even to ask him if he went to a particular Industry Ceremony last night...

Yesterday, as I was wheeling my shopping trolley back to it's bay, I smelled cigarette smoke. Instantly, I thought of B. Normally I dont like the smell, but now I associate with him, although, funnily enough, he hasn't actually smoked around me since... I'm thinking drinks we had out in perhaps January? When I taste him, I can taste hints of cigarette, but it is no way offensive to me, which is quite weird...

Whenever I see work vans like his, my head almost twists off trying to read the number plate or look for the other tell tale signs its his... I love its size - I know that sounds crazy; its just a goddamn work vehicle, but you cant help but notice it, especially when parked in a quiet little suburban street (like his own; makes it easy to see if he's home as I drive past on the way to the shopping centre. Not that theres any purpose to me knowing!). Or when its at his work mates place, M, who lives next to my girlfriend...

Almost everyday, as 4pm rolls around, and I haven't had some contact with B, Im both disappointed, and 'proud' of myself, that I haven't been in touch. Why 4pm? He is usually home by then.

And his chin. He has a masculine, strong chin. Of course there are other attractive features about him, however for some reason at the moment I'm particularly remembering his chin, and how it looked as I straddled him, while having the conversation that I am trying to meet other people...

God, please give me strength.

Excuses

I texted just after 12am. Ah! My stupid teenage actions! I said, ''Gee, nice of you to let me know". And when he hadn't replied 30 minutes later, I called. And he didn't answer! So, I took that as a sign that rather than tell me himself that it was over, he'd just avoid me.

I then sent a text Id draughted a few days earlier. It said "one thing Ive learned about you is that you're good at making excuses and avoiding things. (Insert wife's name) and others may have to listen, but I don't. I'm just someone you fucked a few times."

And then I bawled. And bawled. The pain in my heart was raw. And I had to release it.

In my head I know that I should just finish it. Close that door so I can move on. But Ive never felt so strongly about anyone. Its crazy.

I yelled out cuss words and vented. I cried so hard, knowing it was better out than in.

And I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. So I got up and started watching comedian Ricky Gervais.

And 20 minutes later, B texted!

"Nice." he said. He said he was just leaving, he was carpooling, and that he was going to see if Id like a visit, but he said I "clearly" was "not up for one".

"I'd love one'' I quickly replied.

I thought he would say he wasnt going to come by, but he came.

I tried to freshen up a little; my face was blotchy from crying and my eyes were puffy...

He kissed me hello, but the mood was a little tight. He commented on my "shitty" text. I said I was sorry for sending it, but not for what it said. He looked tired. He had apparently worked today as well - doing more work on Saturdays now, rather than Sundays. We talked a bit about his work, while standing in my kitchen. I kinda touched him, but wasnt all over him. I didnt know how long he was there for, and even said that he'd never come to my place this late. He explained that it just depended on what everyone was doing, and who was there etc. They are carpooling a lot more now, and he knows that makes things more difficult for him and me.

But he said "Im just trying to do the right thing." I just sorta shrugged. Trying to do the right thing? What the hell are you doing at my house then?? Why couldnt I actually say that?

(On a side note, I guess I dont rock the boat too much - or I try not to, because we come together for convenience. I know Im not meant to be the nagging, whinging other-half for him. It's meant to be easy and relaxed).

He asked to see the photos from my trip. I said Id show him on my iphone. We went to my room where my phone was and sat on the bed. There were hundreds of photos so I quickly scrolled through them. I had some fancy dress costumes hanging up for a couple of parties that are coming up, so we talked about that. But somehow I could tell he wasnt that interested in chatting. It was obvious he was exhausted. But I didnt know exactly what he wanted from me either... He laid back on my bed, and I lay down beside him, my head resting on his arm, and we talked some more, and I fiddled with him, or his jacket or whatever. B said how nice it was just to lay down, and stretch out. He would love to have a week off to just do nothing. I asked him if he was planning another holiday soon; the family were apparently thinking of going to Fiji next month but he's decided not to because he thought it too expensive after all. He sat up to have a drink of water, and then said something about having to go. We kissed, and I asked him if hed said what time he had to be home, and he said no, so I said "then stay for a bit". We kissed some more, he started feeling me... I told him not to start what he couldnt finish. I stopped so he could get up, but I got up instead, and I dont remember how now, but I think he said something again about the text Id sent him, and couldnt believe Id said the last part about it being just fucking. He was still sitting on the bed, and I straddled him and kissed him. I said, "but thats all it is. Its just that. And Id do better reminding myself of that". So we kissed more and he was feeling me... and we were also talking in amongst that aswell. I told him I dont just sit around waiting for him, and that I sort of was seeing two other guys which he said was great. "They're both nice guys" I said, "But, youre the one I wanna... sit on." He gave a chuckle and shook his head. "Why is that?" he asked. "I dont know," I said. "It's not like I asked for this." We kissed more and he kept feeling me. "If you dont stop, Im not gonna let you go". He paused for about 3 seconds, and kissed me and kept his fingers inside me. In a little while he said "if you can make it quick..." and this time I paused, because with him theres no such thing as quick. But then I pushed him on to his back on my bed, and started undressing him...

I dont know if its just my own guilt, but sometimes I feel like I can feel his conflict with things. He wants to be with me, but knows he shouldnt be. I sensed that again, but we kept going. I put the condom on, and rode him. And within just a few minutes, he said "Im not gonna last five minutes like that" and I said "Yeh? Thats the idea" but he sorted of grunted and pulled out. I put him back inside me and said, softly, "Blow" and again he kind of grunted, and I said, again softly, encouragingly, his name, and "blow". And he did.

"Wow," I said. "Ive been waiting a year for that." "For what?" B asked. "For a quickie. Youre full of suprises." He chuckled and went off to the bathroom.

I have to admit, he left very quickly... I dont think I even got a hug. Got the usual "It was good to see you" and the briefest of kisses. As he was leaving we talked a little again about how it was getting more difficult for him to come by, and I wondered out loud if he could just give me some notice. He said again how he often didnt know til the last minute, if he was driving especially, what was happening with everyone (he was carpooling with). And he also mentioned how usually Im the one who contacts him on a Saturday night, but I didnt last week. "No, I know I always message you first. I purposely didnt last week." He said he obviously couldnt come by, because he got a lift, and I said Id gathered that. I suggested that maybe he ring, rather than text, if it was late at night because I didnt want to miss his message, like that Friday back in March...

And then he was gone.

:(

Well, I guess I have my answer. It's 11.57. Theres been no contact from B. I feel like texting - whether its now or first thing Monday "gee, thanks for letting me know". As usual, part of me is desperately sad, but the realistic side knows its for the best.

To make matters worse, Michael messaged me saying he cant meet up tomorrow as his ex has 'allowed' him to have time with his kids tomorrow (and although we've known each other a long time (20 odd years), we're certainly not at that stage (ie: me hanging with the kids. I havent even met them).

It's now midnight...

Countdown

It's almost 6pm, and still at least six more hours before I see B.

IF I see B.

And so begins the analysis, and pondering of scenarios.

I'm writing now, because I'm actually starting to get nervous. I know this could be the last time we have sex. This could be the last time I see him. But another thought crossed my mind, that is glaringly possible... he may simply message me to say he cant come by after all. Or even, just not message me.

If theres no indication on him coming by, I think that in itself would be a big sign from him, saying that yes, he would rather things finish (as per my text the other day). And then what would I do? Nothing I guess. What could I do?

If he says he would've liked to come by, but now theres been a change of plans, such as now he didn't end up driving and got a lift, then, theres not much I can do with that either. Ive organised to meet up with my friend Michael tomorrow, so Id have to feel positive that I'm at least trying to move forward...

And if I do see him... mmm. My tummy still gets tight thinking of him. I catch myself making little noises in response to my imagination.

I'm cleaning then house from top to toe, both for B and for Michael, and because thats what I normally do when I dont have the kids every second weekend. Boring stuff. But then thats the boring stuff done, and I can relax in my organised clean environment. So the point of sharing that, is that its one way to keep busy for the next few hours...

Hopeless

I am trying to get myself angry on purpose. Which is quite a weird feeling. As I've said, I think I need to get angry so that I can vent, and have an excuse to tell B to piss off and leave me alone, since Im not strong enough to do it on my own. I need to goad him a little, so that he reacts, gets defensive or gives me excuses or something...

I keep thinking about my 'friend', (let me call him Michael), and trying to make that final decision on whether he be the one I that I stop things with B for...

But I fully acknowledge I want my cake and eat it too, where B is concerned. Still. So, I'm trying to compromise. I figured if I could find out ahead of time if I would be seeing B Saturday night, and depending on his answer, I either could start to get angry, and use that as a way to end things, or, we have our time together, and then I continue things with Michael, see where that goes and if it doesn't work out, B will be there (maybe).

Perhaps you cant see my line of thinking, but I know what I mean.

And if I did see B on the Saturday night, I would organise to hang out with Michael on the Sunday...

So. I sent B a message saying "Am I gonna see you Saturday night?". He's replied with "Possibly" and then went on to say that he thought our last time was the last time.

Which I got confused about. I did indeed say that it was meant to be our last time. But as he was leaving that night, he said something about seeing me soon or again or something. There were no final words of "I had a great time, thanks for everything" or... I don't know. Just nothing final. (Although reading back over that post he did say it "was bloody great"... maybe he meant the whole of time, not just that particular night??).

And as I replied to him, we've met up since then. Just a few weeks ago, he made the effort to meet up with me and that's when he told me it was up to me to 'pull the pin' and that he had sex as often as I did (claiming he only has sex with me). And he called me to wish me well on my trip, and called afterward to see how it went... If he thought that that was our last night, why are we even still in contact?

I also replied "I guess we're both hopeless... but if you'd rather it finished..."

I haven't heard back; those messages were around 2.30pm yesterday. Suppose Ill need to wait til tomorrow night now...

Because he shares driving with others and they carpool, once a month has stretched to maybe once every 2 months.

A lot can happen in those weeks between. I could pursue a relationship with either Michael, or that either guy I met online (he wants to meet up again), and it could all fizzle in a matter of weeks. Of course I don't want to think negatively on purpose, or think that B will always be there, or that some miracle will happen and he'll do something drastic to be with me forever.

I'm just looking at options. Scenarios. Possibilities.

Broken finger?

Again, I was stupid. I clearly have not been reading my post-its. I sent B a text this morning (early, just after 8am!) saying I miss him, and asking if I would ever have him again...

I guess I was looking for a lead in to some arranging of a more definite time we would see each other, like this Saturday for example.

Theres a guy who Ive known for a long time, and sometimes we just hang out together, and each time I see him I consider him in a 'long term' way. He makes me laugh, he's talented, quite attractive, a lovely consideration person, and I have the absolute best conversations with him about everything. Oh, and he knows just about everything me there is to know. Almost. Tongue in cheek there... Anyway, there's a party on Saturday night Ive been invited to. In fact, a year ago, I had B pick me up from the same birthday person's place. I really only know the birthday person and his wife. I thought I could take my friend as company. But I keep thinking of one last time with B. I don't want to hurt my 'friend' and start things with him if I'm not sure...

So I was waiting on some kind of reply from B, and really worked myself up to respond in a blase, angry kind of way, because I think the only way Ill be able to end things with him is to get angry and acknowledge his horrible behaviour of his wife and to me, and remember that he cant have his cake and eat it too...

But by 4pm, when I know he's usually home, I still hadn't had a reply from him.

I was on my way home around 4.30pm, with my 2 younger kids, and drove up the street of my girlfriend, who lives next to B's workmate. And B was there (at his workmates). I had something to drop off to my friend, as it turns out, so I did that (and also sent a message

to B saying "So close! Hello from next door!.... Broken finger?" meaning, in a sarcastic manner that he had a problem replying to my earlier message.

It was about ten minutes later before he responded with "Hey. Just got your 2 messages then. How come you didn't come in to say hi? Whats wrong with your finger?"

He really is a just a simple guy. ;)

I replied "MY finger is fine."

So, he didn't acknowledge about my missing him, didn't say anything about when we'd be meeting up again, and then has the gall to ask why I didn't come in to his mates place. Its gall considering he'd told that same friend weeks ago we're not seeing each other more, because this friend makes him feel guilty.

Out with The Wife

More and more as I go through life, I believe in the adage of what you imagine you create.

At some point, it had to happen. We live in the same area. The Shopping Centre I mostly go to, and the gym, are both right near their house. And today, after coffee with my dad at the said Shopping Centre, I was on my way to the car park, when I saw her. B's wife. His WIFE. And their 2 kids.

Holy Mother of God. Please excuse the blasphemy.

So, I admit it, after I stopped wanting to vomit, and ceased my legs from feeling like jelly, I surreptitiously 'browsed' the shops while keeping an eye on them for a little bit. She seemed not necessarily bubbly or chirpy, but chatty. Talked to a few people. Being a mum myself, it looked like it was more of an expedition 'out' more than anything, like an excuse to get out of the house, rather than on an actual mission to get groceries for example. I think she did see me once or twice, but didn't really 'look', so I didn't trigger anything for her. Which is good I s'pose. I walked right beside them on my way to leave the Centre. I could've ruffled her boys hair as I went past...

And if those 2 boys aren't the cutest kids ever, I dont know - apart from mine - who's are.

Are you interested in knowing what I thought of her? By nature I'm not intentionally a me

an spirited person. She has a nice, but average face. Shes shorter than me, and carries more weight than me too. She's not huge, but then some people say Im too skinny, especially given my height of 167cm (and I'm under 55kg). She's dressed like a busy hardworking at-home mum. Nothing special. Just like I thought really.

On the way to my car, I saw theirs.

It crossed my mind whether to "do something". Like leave a note? But saying what? "Watch your husband?" Nah, makes it sound like someones planning on murdering him or something, and thats certainly not my intention. "Hello (insert her name)"? "I'm fucking your husband (insert name)."? What purpose would this all serve?

And if I go back to the thought "what you imagine you create,", I know I could split them up. I know, over time, I probably could have B for a period of time. But if that were to happen, I want it to because their relationship has naturally run its course, or because he wants to be with me, not because of something nasty Ive done to intercept or 'make it' happen. And since I know it wont happen of its own accord, then, thats that.

First Saturday Night...

with absolutely NO contact.

Apart from the times where Ive known in advance for whatever reason I would not be seeing him, last night was the first time that I can remember where I did not contact B 'just to see' if he'd be coming by or whatever, and where he also did not message or call me.

And Jesus, it was soooo difficult.

But, you know, I looked over my sms's to him, and almost every Saturday, I'm like some desperate school girl, asking in various ways if he'd be coming by, and most times he answered that he wouldn't be.

And realising that makes me so sad.

Pfft. Sure, part of me feels good that I was strong enough to hold back. And that I recognise this is actually an important step to letting go. But it's still sad, none-the-less.

Traffic

Took one of my daughters to a girlfriend's this morning, to do a paid 'baby-sitting' job. I'd turned around from the direction I was originally travelling due to unusual heavy traffic (for a Saturday), and went a different way...

Along the side of a main road I saw a bunch of work vans, and B has his marked a certain way, and I saw his was one of them. He was on the opposite side to me, and his work was what was causing the traffic buildup. I knew that he'd seen me...

I messaged "Ah! It's you bloody causing the traffic chaos! :)" and he simply replied with "yes".

So, its almost 8.30pm now. I don't know if I will see him or not. I had a possible catch up with a new guy tonight, but he's been called in to work.

I know one thing though... I will not message B first tonight, just 'to see'.

Unpredictable

I went to the gym as usual this morning, rushed home to get ready for a job interview, and on my way out, noticed that B had called. Well, pick me up off the floor!

I called him nearly 2 hours later, from a carpark, after my interview. And wouldn't you know it, he was working only a few streets away. He'd called to see how my trip went. He hadn't realised I went with my family; he thought I was going with a girlfriend. Had a great chat. He asked me if there'd been any 'romances' but I told him no, because all the good ones were all taken, and added that I wasn't quite sure what that meant I was saying about myself then... :) His workmate "R" had apparently seen me in the same street as the gym earlier in the week. He said he'd not been up to much the last few weeks - "same shit". I asked him where he was working the rest of the afternoon, and coincidentally it was the same suburb as my nan who I was on my way to visit.

After arriving at my nans (for lunch), I called B with a technical question, knowing he'd be able to answer it (just something my nan and I were discussing). He asked what street I was in and said he knew of it.

A few minutes after hanging up from him, he sent me a text saying he was 2 streets away, but had 10 guys with him otherwise we could've caught up. "Damn!" I replied. Mixed emotions from that one sentence; nice he was thinking of me and told me, yet on the other hand, telling me how close he was and not being able to do anything about it really was like rubbing salt in to the wound!

A little while later, as I was leaving my nans, I messaged him to say that if he was able to ditch the boys, I was leaving now... but he said 'no can do sorry."

:(

Motivational Post-its

Have you heard of the movie "How do you know", starring Reece Witherspoon? Her character uses motivational post-it notes on her mirror to keep her focused and strong in mind. Last night I made myself up some, and put them on my bedroom mirror. Among them, Ive written one, in big red letters, which reads

"I do not need B. Do not contact him. I deserve better. I do not need B".

And so far, its an effective mantra. As soon as I find myself thinking of him, I remember those words on my post-it.

In addition, I realised I needed to change the passcode on my iphone from his name to something else, which Ive now done. :)

Low

I'm in a low place right now. Ive recently returned from a great holiday with my family, which I feel blessed to of experienced. Part of our trip was on a cruise, and there is so much to do and participate in. But being single sure does suck sometimes. My kids and parents were mostly off doing their own thing, and often I felt bored and lonely. Out of the 2000 odd people aboard the ship, I noticed the same men over and over, but they were either too young or married (if not partnered). And I still thought about B all the time.

I messaged him last night just basically saying "hi" (as my own way of not only letting him know I was home, but to see see if he'd be coming by). He apparently didn't think I was home til today. It was obvious I wouldn't be seeing him.

Its Mothers Day today, and Ive watched a few movies (in among doing some laundry! Excitement plus!), and they've made me sadder, because they're all movies about relationships.

Added to that, I visited the Apple store this morning because of a problem with my iPhone, which they've replaced. I forwarded all my messages from B to email, which is lucky, because my backup and restore didn't work, and Ive lost all the originals from him. :(

Is that a sign? Should this be the big push I need to just forget things? Just start from scratch?

Why cant I be strong enough to just close this door and just move on?